HEYYYYY!! I made a new blog! For several reasons, the most prominent being that I love blogging but I want to step away from this blog that holds memories and such of an eating disorder. Not to say I am recovered, not to say I will forget everything I have been thru, but to just take a step back and blog about things from a different light! This new blog is totally random, I will post food pictures, pictures that I just feel like sharing, and really anything on my mind! And its wordpress, which I am still getting a hang of but I like it! The picture in the Header is one that I took in Mexico! :) Ok, well here is the URL, I hope you all follow!

http://timeforeverything.wordpress.com/

:)

Maddi

Well, I decided to post, just randomly, out of the blue. It will be short tho because I am tired...

Today was my second day of college! I love it! I have spanish 1 at 8, psychology at 9, then a 3 hour break that I can use to study and socialize until 1, when I have pre-cal. :) I love being free from my old school, I love being my own person. Today I met a girl named Suzy in math class, and we will probably end up working on math together or something! She was really nice and is taking the same drawing class I took over the summer! Day two and I have only met 1 new person but that is ok. There are tons of people there that I already know! 3 people that I know from work, two of them are in one of my classes, span. and psych, and then Karli and my old bestie Amy and several people from swim team....:) And I am sure I will make many new friends! I just need to not be afraid to speak up!

So college is good. Diving is ok. Today was a bad practice because I hadnt eaten anything but a small bowl of cereal that I snuck. That is because as of last night I am not allowed to eat any of the food at my house. And that is because last night I purged dinner, and my mom got really angry. So she has now banned me from eating...and I dont have the money, even with a job, to pay for food every day. I already have to pay for gas, car insurance, school books, diving, pretty much everything. So ya, things were SO GOOD on Monday until dinner. I had had a great breakfast and lunch, and I felt so energized, and dive practice was good...but then it fell apart at dinner, and I would have picked myself up again today and fixed what went wrong...but now I dont have a chance to. Mercy is not for me I guess.

Oh, and I just got a letter from the hospital that said all employees need to get flu vaccines...Maybe I can slip under the radar...I hope, cause I hate shots...

Sorry to be so depressed, I really dont see anything positive right about now. Tomorrow I am sure I will have to sit out from diving because I wont have enough strength to jump high enough to even be safe. And school will be horrid because who wants to sit through classes with a empty tummy. FML.

I am so good at putting on a happy face tho! I mean, who would guess this is all going on? No one! Cause I was just a little happy fairy all day, keeping a smile on my face whenever I saw someone! :/ again, fml...

Sorry, I really am, I just needed to get some of this out. And I suppose I need some encouragement too...:)

Maddi

ok, so I know I promised that I would post pictures but my netbook still doesnt have internet ability, so no can do, at least not yet!!! But hopefully by next week because school starts then and I will need my internet(at least I assume I will)

Today has been SO emotional!!! D: Like I woke up, b/ped, read, slept, did chores and didnt let myself cry(I dont even know why I wanted to cry??x_x), then I did more chores, read some more, went to dive practice, was sooo happy at dive practice, then came home and couldnt find the pants i wanted to wear and about melted down again. And again I didnt let myself. I think I just have a lot of emotions trapped in me right now which I just need to let out!!! I'm just not so great at doing that...

Anyway, that is so random, but ya, I just have felt so tense today, I want to snap at everyone and I want to cry everytime anyone talks to me, I just want to break down and sob! Has this happened to any of you? Haha, I guess its not that new to me, every once and a while I have a bad day like this, I guess it has just been a while!

Tomorrow I have a appointment with John. The last one didnt seem to help me in any way, it didnt seem productive, but I cant expect every appointment to make me improve in some way! I am going to take my younger sister to school on the way there too, I look forward to that! :)

Todays dive practice was great, I did a couple front doubles, the newest dive I have been learning. Also I worked on my back one with one and a half twists. And my coach wants me to learn a back one and a half and a front one and a half half twist! I know that doesnt mean anything to you, but those are all really hard dives, so I am nervous!!! I know that if I nurture my body I will have the strength to get high enough to make those dives! Which brings me to food...

I still b/p every day...My weight was at its lowest since last winter for a few days, then I ate tons over the weekend and it shot back up, now its close to that lowest. I told myself I wouldnt be here at this weight last year when diving, I guess I thought I would be "better" by now. I really had no idea...Its like now that I am at this weight I dont want to gain any weight because then I have the work of having to loose it...which I could say that I would never want to loose it again, but I know thats not true, the desire to be thin is like stronger than the desire to have a life...Its so strange, I want two things that just dont work together: To be thin and to be the best diver. I cant have both, and I know that right now I am choosing wrong, or at least believing I can have both...which in short, is still choosing wrong.

I would love to say that I dont need help, that anorexia was just a little bump in the road, a way to get through a tough 10th grade, but its turned into more than that, its turned into a large part of my life that I just cant ignore. As I write this I realize that maybe that is why I wanted to cry all day, because I had the crushing realization that I am letting my eating disorder take over my life. Its a disease, yes, but its also a choice is it not? Sometimes I just dont want to make it through another day because I know that the next day will be the same: on the scale, off the scale, eat, throw up, on the scale, off the scale, eat, exercise, on the scale, off the scale....

I know what needs to change before I kill myself. I even know how to change. Its just a matter of can or cant, and right now I just cant...

I hate the word "cant"

Be strong this week loves, I know its not worth it to not be. And send me strength if you will, I DO need some...

Maddi
xxx

I am drained. Family camp was draining. I wont go into details but it physically wiped me out. There WAS some fun tho, like a zip line that I went upside down on, and a funny talent show. Also one night I had fun playing games with some of the other moms!

On Monday evening we got home and I went to dive practice but I just sat out and watched because I was too tired.

On Tuesday I crashed at the Poages house for 12 hours. :) It was kind of pathetic, Karli and I were both lying around sick the entire time, haha, but it was still good to be there...We watched a couple movies and talked and made fruit smoothies and ate toast and I didnt feel good at all but I still had a pleasant day, it was better than being at home. Also diving was canceled, which is why I just stayed there the whole day!

Today is Naomis 3rd birthday, her first birthday to spend with her family. She has been so excited the whole day, its been really fun! We went to Starbucks and the kids got to pick drinks-Sam got hot cocoa, and Naomi picked milk. Then we went to the party supply store and each picked a balloon and Naomi got three, then we went to a toy store and played with a train set they have out and my sister C bought Naomi a present. Tonight is her birthday dinner and celebration but unfortunately I have to miss it for dive practice, but I still was able to spend the day with her! :)

Next post I PROMISE I will post some pictures from art class and such, its been too long! :)

Maddi
xxx

Do YOU know what I feel like??

I feel like a flower trying to survive in a dessert. Parched...wilting...petals falling off one by one...

I feel this way because I do not belong, I do not belong in the house I live in, I do not belong with the people I live with. The evidence has been creeping up on me my whole life, now it has really settled in. And I am NOT just saying this because my mom and I got in a fight this morning. I am saying this because NOTHING is right. There is no "connection" that I long for. It just isnt right, plain and simple as that...I cant do anything about my environment as John would say, but I CAN change how I react to my environment, to some degree at least. Some things have to be learned, so I AM lacking in some areas but I CAN find a way to learn those things, I already am through close friends who have taken me in!

I am a flower in a dessert but I am learning to adapt...in the past and still in the present I have adapted by using things like ED to cope...now I am learning new ways to adapt. Those things are to focus on the FUTURE, spend more time with people who bring out the POSITIVE in me, and deal with the heat of this dessert one day at a time, so that I dont get discouraged when it looks like rain isnt coming any time soon...:)

On to other things, this afternoon/evening we leave for FAMILY CAMP!!! :D I have been to family camp about 7 years in a row now, first with my old church several years, but my new church has one also! It is at a lake somewhere and there will be swimming and campfires and a zipline and rock wall! And a game room, and great fellowship and worship! My favorite part of family camp is the fellowship with new friends and old! My best friends J and Kar wont be there but Kimberly will be so that will be fun! And I am hoping to meet new people too! Food is a bit of a worry, just knowing there will be bountiful amounts, not only at meals but with all the candy and such that people bring...I will NOT go overboard with the candy and junk food, I have a plan and I will stick to it! I may loose weight, I may not, but I will NOT gain, because that will freak me out and send me into a twirling cycle of doom...;) Ok, just kidding, but I know I will be ok! I am suuuuper excited tho! I also get to see my friend who moved out of town this summer! :D Alright, well I will tell you guys all about it when I get home!

Have a great Labor Day Weekend!!! :)

Maddi
xxx

Versatile blogger award! :)

So thankyou Scott for the versatile blogger award! :)

rules:
1. Thank the person who gave it to you
2. Write 7 facts about yourself
3. Award it to 15 other people!

Haha, I thanked Scott already so here are 7 facts!

1. Our family doesn't have TV...:( we wath movies on the laptop...
2. I've been to Nepal, Thailand, Japan, Mexico, China(twice), and Canada...:D
3. I had braces for exactly 3 years and 3 days
4. I did competitive gymnastics for at least 5 years
5. I have had 3 hamsters, 4 bunnies, 2 parakeets, 2 beta fish, 1 rat, 1 guinea pig, and 4 chickens, which have all died. But the two cats and the sheltie dog are still alive and well! :)
6. I lived in a tiny hick town, Hazard, Kentucky, when I was about 3 and almost died there when I got really sick too! D:
7. I had my gallbladder removed when I was just 6 months old!

Ok, so I will pass this on to 15 people, although most of them don't read my blog so they won't even know! ;)
Andrea
Maya
Scott(I know, you gave it to me already but I can't think of anyone else! ;))
Eleanor
Melissa
Kelsey
Eliza
Alexis
Alexandra
Lucie
Carrie
Sarah
Tori
Brooke
Becca

love you all! :)

Maddi
xxx

Wow, its been forever since I last posted...ok, well not thaaaat long, but still....

This past week has consisted of heaven and hell. Heaven: DIVING!!! Heck yes!!! \m/(x.x)\m/ :):):) I LOVE it!!! And this year I am already doing better than last! This was just the first week and I am already throwing inward one and a halfs and back one with one and a half twists and front doubles!!! :D So ya, I feel like a rockstar when I dive! :) Hell: Being sick EVERY day....I mean sick as in not making forward steps with my ED...at all...We even have a system set up as of yesterday to help me out...its helped maybe a little as in I dont purge after every meal and my parents make me eat 1200 calories-I guess the minimum for brain functionality. I am mentally and physically being wiped out by this....Also hell: not having contact with Karli...who IS home from the hospital, thank goodness....but I dont want to intrude and call, she is going through something big, my mom says her family is probably being bombarded by other people wondering what is going on, how Karli is, etc...so I dont want to be a bother...its so hard to be patient tho...I think of her every day, I might call Tuesday...Tuesday because tomorrow I am going to a friends house! More hell: Weight gain....yes...:P So lets say it hasnt been a fun week...But tomorrow is a NEW DAY, a day to IMPROVE and HEAL!!!

Tomorrow I will do something productive in my spare time, tomorrow I will have fun at dive and at my friends house, tomorrow I will NOT purge ANYTHING!!! :) I NEEEEEEEDDDDD to be POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to be, willing myself to be, I have a FUTURE to look forward to, a future of SAVING people less fortunate than me, a future as a doctor, and before that a future as a DIVER!!! :) A future of friendships and laughter and pain, but also LOVE.....I HAVE A FUTURE.

Have a positive week loves...:)

Maddi
xxx

Hello!

This week has been the slowest, possible most desired to be forgotten week ever...except for in one way, and thats the way in which I have been loved, I dont want to forget that. Between the support from you guys, and the couple people who have been willing to take me in this weekend, I know I am not alone.

On Monday my parents threatened to send me to the hospital...they didnt, but the night was horrible and I didnt sleep. The next day I went to the Poages home all day just to get away. I didnt want to leave there, I just felt so unstable, unrestful, I wanted to stay until I felt better with life...But instead I went to a slumber party, where I ended up getting a big scratch on my nose thanks to the side of the pool! Haha, we were playing around and I got too close! So now I have several scratches on my face and it looks like I got in a fight! ;) The next day I came home, finished my art project, and worked on finding a place to stay for the weekend while my parents took my brother to college in Cali.

The last day of class went well, altho I really didnt spend much time on my final project, it turned out good and I am sure I got an A in the class! :D

So last night I spent the night at the Poages. My best friend Karli who was in Honduras comes home from Honduras tomorrow because she is really really sick. Please please pray for her, it is scary, and I know it hurts her to have to leave the little boy she was taking care of...I found out she was coming home while I was at her house today, her doctor called her parents and said that was the best thing for her to come home...So it was a hard morning...I couldnt bring myself to eat anything, but I had some smoothie at least...Then I had day shift at work today, which was surprisingly easy, and now I am at another friends house. So this is sorta weird because this friend used to be my best friend, I probably havent spent the night here in 3 years!! But they were willing to take me in, and I love her mom, so its alright. :)

Anyway, I kind of feel like I am in a daze right now...probably between inadequate nutrition and because of all the events happening like my parents being gone and me being at other peoples houses, and the stuff with Karli, and ya, its just really difficult. But I WILL get through this. I am just afraid I need more help than I have here. I dont WANT to go IP, but after the last couple days of even worse eating than before, I feel like I cant reverse this on my own. I dont know what will happen...with Karli or me. I am just so scared.

Maddi
xxx

I have a choice to make.

I can fake recovery-gain the weight, eat healthy, and just suffer through not being "in control", or I can stay sick, giving up diving and college as I slowly kill myself. I don't feel ready to move on, I don't feel ready to stop what I am doing, but I must face that it's the only option. It's do or die. I can give up everything important in my life and slowly fade away, or I can eat. Even if the reasons I choose not to eat aren't resolved, I can do it. Someone told me the other day that if I have enough will power to NOT eat, then I would have the will power TO eat.

I have options. I can go IP. I can live at home and be miserable and not allowed to dive or go to college. Or I can give up the idea of disapearing and live my life. I don't know why I am having such a hard time decideing, the answer should be obvious! But the pull of just...disapearing...is so strong. I could, I know I could. LIVING is harder it seems, but is it worth it too? Can I believe it's worth it? Do I want to believe it's worth it??? I think somewhere inside of me I do, I think I know that I CAN get through this.

In the end it is all up to me. People can try to keep me alive, but in the end it is still up to me. I think I will try to live. I don't know why, I don't exactly know what I am going to live for, but for now I think I will choose life.

Maddi
xxx

Not fun...

Okkkk, so I really don't want to go on another long rant like the last 2 posts, but I just mght! ;) fair warning...:)

Today has NOT been a fun day....and it's supposed to be! It's my big brothers graduation/birthday/goodbye party! He leavs on Thursday for San Diego, where he is going to college at Point Loma. I'm not sure how I feel about him leaving, I guess I haven't given it much thought, but now with the date of his departure so close it is sort of starting to hit that he is going to be GONE and I never really got the chance to know him!!! I feel bad, like he is my brother, we are supposed to be at least somewhat connected, but things have changed, we did used to be close, I think the year he was in 9th grade we really started to grow apart and go in our own directions, his leading him to the public school and away from family, mine digging me into a little sheltered hole. We just had/have opposite desires in life, it doesn't seem like there is any common ground except the fact he is my brother! And to think my sister might be gone in 2 weeks!! And she is younger than me!!! She would still live fairly close but still...anyway, today I don't know if I should laugh or cry, in a couple weeks my life will look completely different having 2 out of 5 people gone...I am happy for my sister, C, but at the same time I don't want her to leave, these highschool years are the years I want to be her big sister to look after her and to grow closer with her, but soon she will be living in another city, and after that maybe even a different state!! She has been asked to join a pre-professional ballet class by the way... It scares me too, I might be living in Seattle in a couple months too... I don't want all of this change, it's too fast...like there is nothing I can hold on to, nothing that can't leave without my permission EXCEPT AN. Which is perhaps the reason I think recovery is bull...ok, sorry for another rant! ;) Obviously I have a lot to write about!

Of course eating still is not good, I haven't kept in a single thing put in my mouth for at least 5 days now...and I have an appoitment with John tomorrow and I don't know if I will work up the courage to tell him or not...I know I should, I know it would be the best thing to do, but I am scared of what he will say or do, I don't want to loose anything like college or dive just because of this, so I don't want him to know...I should tell him tho...anyway...

This week is very busy, I have work tonight then tomorrow morning is my appt with John. And it's the last week of art class and my final is due on Thursday!!!! AAaaaaah, I see some late nights ahead of me!!! Tuesday night is a birthday slumber party for a friend on my swimteam who is turning 14!! Ya, a bit of an age difference, but she is really sweet and mature! And Friday I work my first day shift at the hospital, which I am NOT looking forward to!!! So... I guess wish me luck to get through this week because I already am tired of it ;)

I hope everyones week is AMAZINGLY beautiful!!!

Maddi
xxx

Hullo! :)

So sorry about my last post in which I preceeded to rant about the difficulties of having an eatig disorder...;) well so I didn't end up telling anyone what's up, well I sort of told my T at my appt. yesterday, but not all the way...and I didn't tell her how I was thinking about it. Now I feel bad tho and I know I should tell her...Anyway, aside from that, yesterdays appt. went well, altho I still don't see myself as neccisarily getting anything out of it?!?!

Ok, so on to a recap of Thursday and Friday!! :D My mom and I drove over to Seattle and went to my sisters dance studio and they had a meeting with her instructor, then my mom had another appointment so she dropped me off at a park on Lake Washington and I went swimming!!!! It was soooo nice, the water was amazing, perfect temperature and everything! I swam out to the no wake bouey and back, and dove(shallow diving, just in case) off the dock a couple of times before a lifegaurd told me there was no swimming allowed! Haha, oops! I didn't want to get out just then but at least I had gotten a little bit of time in the water. Then I laid on the dock listening to music and dozig off and watching a really cute couple sit together and fish. It made me want a boyfriend...;) After that awesome time to myself we went back to C's studio and watched a class then drove to a friends house and spent the night. My appt. was early Friday morning, but I felt refreshed and ready to get up! After that we went to Kirkland and I had several hours to myself while my mom watched my sister again. I went to starbucks and sipped coffee, then went to the waterfront and drew some, then wandered through some art galleries which was especially neat now that I am taking that class. I ended up buying a tiny bit of icecream too, which I did NOT purge, and I was really good too, and nice and small. :) after that I did some more drawings with sharpie which turned out pretty cool! I can't wait to post some of my work! I will probably just wait till the class is over tho! :) thennnn I went shopping at some consignment shops! I got 4 new tops, one is from J Crew!! Haha, score! :D I found a cute pair of black jeans at costco today too that will go good with those tops! After that I went to the park and drew some people, but they kept moving. Haha, well the challenge made it fun! After that I met up with my mom again and we got my sis and drove home.

This morning I hopped in the pool but it is colder than the lake was, so I didn't stay in long! :) and now I need to complete another art assignment because try are starting to pile up...D:

ED wize the weight still is coming off... Slower than I would like it too, it's weird, I feel like I don't even want to be recovered right now, I can't exactly place my finger on why. I really don't know, it's not like I've even had an ED for all that long, is it just a stage you go through? Like quite frankly recovery sounds like a lot of poop to me, am I terrible for saying that??? Questions questions questions, I have a lot floating around in my head right now, the main one being, "why the heck am I not wanting to be recovered??!?!?!?" I hope that all makes some sense that I feel that way, I hope that I am not just a hopeless case for thinking like that, but am I??? Agh, it's driving me crazy knowing what I am doing but not stopping!!! It's as tho I am going to go until I am FORCED to stop, like IP, but that wouldn't keep my mind from keeping going in the wrong direction!! :P it's all so MESSED UP!!!

Ok, so I gotta go do that drawing, it's supposed to be abstract, so I have to pick something and draw t in a way that makes it so you can hardly tell what the thing is! And I might just throw some color in there for fun!

Your thoughts on this would be more than welcome!! :)

Maddi
xxx

Heeeelpppp!

Ok, so I have a problem, and its sorta kinda been fixed but not really, and I just really need to get out my frustration about the whole thing!

So about a monthish, month and a half ago, I started binging and purging, which is sooooo bad, I know. I was doing that and I thought my parents didnt know but they did know, the entire time, and didnt stop me. Well finally it came out, and I asked John, the new guy, to help me get rid of this habit before it became anything worse. We concluded that the best idea now would be to have my parents stop me when they saw me eating more than I should, and so I asked my parents to stop me when they saw me. Well this worked for a couple of weeks, I got away with it maybe twice, so I was considering it to be a pretty successful idea. Not for long....I b/ped again, with my parents at home, three days in a row, today being that third. Now here is the thing-they cant stop me because they dont want me to NOT eat, so when they see me eating that is ok, its just when I eat too much. Problem is, I have been purging on amounts that arent that much. Like John was explaining to me that people with bulimia will eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Well that isnt me at all! I usually dont exceed a days worth of calories. So now i have learned that I can b/p and still loose weight, so I have done that the past three days. Also I can appear normal to my family and eat meals with/in front of, them. But then I just go and throw it all up. Yesterday I threw up every meal I ate. What is wrong with me??? I wanted to stop, so I came up with a way to, but then I just got around that "block" and I am back at it!!! My family is clueless, I feel like I could die from the inside out without them realizing whats happening until its too late. Really tho, what is wrong with me that I cant stop, I know I am killing myself. You might say, well no duh, anorexia usually follows that path, but this is different. When I am starving I know what is happening, and I know my body is strong, but purging is a whole different matter, it scares the hell out of me. And the desire to loose weight is there too, its like now I am loosing weight by eating but throwing up everything I eat, rather than just not eating. And what really really frustrates me is how easy it is for me to purge!!! Like most people (at least from what I have researched and heard) gain weight after a b/p session. Well, I am not one of those people, and that also scares me shitless. I actually LOOSE weight after a b/p episode, its just way too easy for me, I can get sooo empty after being soooo full, how do I even do that?? I hate this, I hate this pit I have fallen into, I dont have the ability to get myself out of it! What if I DO kill myself??? I am so scared, after I purged tonight I realized this was all soo so bad, and I have been realizing that all along, but I need help. What can I do tho? Would inpatient help or would that just make it worse if they force me to stop, then I miss it?? I think about asking to be admitted, just because I dont want to die, I really really dont. What happens to a person if they throw up everything they eat??? Ah, it scares me so bad, it really does, but I dont want to ask for inpatient because think of what I would have to give up! Diving, and school, and my job, but then if I was dead I would loose those things anyway...I know I have a strong body, I know from all the activities I have done through my life, like years of gymnastics, but how much more can it take?? God gave me ONE body, and it is dying faster than it should, what do I do??? I can keep trying, but i feel like I try for a day, then the next day think "i feel like binging and purging, so I will even tho I know I shouldnt!" Seriously, it is like that and it is awful, thats why I really dont know what to do! I just want the old eating disorder back, the restriction only one, now I have this stupid purging thing, loosing weight by just purging, its hurting me so bad, I dont feel the pain, but I am not stupid!! I have done the research and all, and I know how bad it is for you, lots of people have died from just regular bulimia, and the chances of death are even higher for anorexia with purging, its like bulimia but without leaving ANYTHING for the body. Its a death sentence...I am sorry if this is really triggering, I dont really know what is to people, I know pictures obviously would be, but I dont know about words, so I am sorry if this is. I just feel like I am falling further in to hell. But why?? I have soooo much to look forward to! Like diving, it starts on the 23rd, and my goal is to make state this year, but how can I if I am as weak as I was last year, when I had no leg muscle? And what about school too?? I know starving doesnt effect my grades, honestly my grades were better when I was because I was so goal driven, but I am not talking grades, I am just talking relations. Who would want to be friends with me if I am sick, isolated, stuck in a world of my own? I feel trapped in my own world, I want out, I want to explore and see the world with FREE eyes, not a mind that cant not think of food for more than an hour! And my job, it is so perfect for me as it is in a hospital and I want to go into health care, but soon I am going to be IN the hospital as a PATIENT, because I am so unhealthy! Ugh, please, someone unlock this cage I am in! :(

Sorry this is so depressing, I am actually a happy person, just not about this one topic, and I needed to express this, and I need some advice if anyone has any, or just your encouragement, i always feel so encouraged after reading the comments you all leave! :)

I must go to bed, but happy posts will come, I promise!

Maddi
xxx

Helloooooo! :)

So the camping trip was a ton of fun!!! ED was bad but I still had loads of fun. We only stayed 2 nights, so we got back Sunday night. We arrived at the camp site at about 7 on Friday evening and set up camp. Kimberly, Naomi, and I shared a tent, and my little bro and dad stayed in the tent trailer with my aunt and uncle and their 4 year old. My younger cousin Andrew stayed in his own mini tent :) we roasted marshmallows, of course ED wouldn't let me had the fixings, because just plain marshmallows are fat free. But whatever, they were still so good, I burn the outside and eat it off, so I eat it layer by layer, which is actually quite fun! ;) on Saturday Kim and I hiked to th swimming hole really early so there was no one else there and I swam across the whole thing, which is actually a really long way! Then after lunch we went down again with the fam and I swam it twice! Then later, after taking a nap and eating a early dinner, Kim and I went for a hike along the lake, then came upon a boat dock where we jumped in in our underwear!!!! Sorry if that is tmi!! We also used the lifejackets there, and I pulled Kimberly over to another dock that wasn't attached because she was too afraid to put her legs down!! Haha, it was soooo fun! Then Sunday was just pack up and drive home! :)

today I had a appt. with th new guy John. That was good, I have to talk to my mom tho which makes me nervous, yes, my mother makes me nervous. Tomorrow I will probably do that because today is pretty packed. I am skipping class so that I can spend some time with Mary, we worked things out somewhat, then I am goin to a party with her for a little while, then we are hangin out more hopefully, then I come home for garrisons birthday dinner. I want to see if shez can spend the night but I highly doubt it, she is the queen of excuses!

Anyway, Thats it for ya today, just thought I would share! :)

maddi
xxx

I pack up and leave for camping at Priest Lake this morning!!!! :D my mom decided not to come, my brother doesn't want to, and my sister is still at her dance camp, so it will just be me, my dad, the little kids, and Kim!!!! I really can't wait, this is going to be so fun if I let it be, which I promise I will! I'll catch up reading your blogs when I return on Monday afternoon!

Happy weekend!

Maddi
xxx

It will be a better day!!!

Thankyou!!!! For the comments that helped me to see i'm not at all alone in this, everyone has their bad days! And for me, today is not a bad day! It was a bad morning, yes, but i still have the rest of the day to make better.

Last night I went to K's house to visit with her mom. We talked about random things and babysat a 5 month old baby. It was fun to see the baby, I hadn't seen a baby that age in quite some time! Also she made me a fruit smoothie which I was hesitant to drink but I still did. And I slept for the first time in two weeks for more than 4 hours!!!! It was such a relief as she was telling me there were a couple people she knew who landed in the hospital after panic attacks due to no sleep!!! So I feel physically better today, and also mentally better because I had a chance to just talk to someone. See, the only people I ever really get to talk to are my therapists, and we always talk abot the same things for the same amount of time, so it was good to just have normal conversation for once!!! And I showed her my sketchbook and she was so enthusiastic about it, which was so encouraging because even my parents aren't! So even tho there was a screaming baby half the time, I just loved being there! :)

Even tho my used to be friend Mary cancelled on me, I still have a fun weekend ahead of me. We were supposed to leave today, now we leave tomorrow, but we(my dad, the little sibs, kimberly, and I)are going to go campig at Priest Lake!!! I am soooo excited!!! And I am also not worried about gaining weight because I tend to loose weight on trips!! Especially highly active trios like camping. I am actualy really happy that I get to go, for Kimberly especially because if I was going to go to Spokane she would UAE had a friend, and I think she would have been ok, but this way I can be there for her. I think we are goig to make great memories playing here, another friend of mine told me the water temperature is really nice, so we will swim. Also I have a drawing assignment to do a figure drawing, and Kimberly is the perfect model for that! :D

I need to go get ready for class now, have wonderful weekends friends! You really are my friends, that I can leave and come back, and make mistakes, and just be pure human, and you guys still care about me and understand. I can't ever be thankful enough for that, in all seriousness.

Maddi
xxx

The night from he'll, just about :/

Welllll, I know it isn't exactly great to dwell on the bad but I MUST get this out! Last night was AWFUL and that awfulness has just carried on into this morning which I am hoping a jump in the pool will help with because the pool always cheers me up!

So starting with last night...Work. Oh my gosh, I was honestly the employee to be picked on last night with just about EVERYTHING I did!!! It all started when I was drawing something and the head cook who is a nasty grouch came in and yelled at me to work in the dishroom, then I was sent to deliver a cart of trays, and I had to take the second cart for reasons having to do with my badge(i lost mine and had to get a new one, so it hadn't been activated to let me into restricted areas like the ER and OB.) so I switched carts and when I got back I got in trouble for that, then I got in trouble for apareantly not going fast enough although I amfaster than a few of the girls at least, then I got in trouble for saying something I didn't even say, and even if I DID hint at saying whatever they thought I did, I shouldn't have gotten in trouble because it's not like I knew!!! Then I also got reprimanded for washing the tables before wrapping my stuff, and also the cook yelled at me for not wrapping some stuff early in the night that wasn't even supposed to be wrapped till after closing!!!! I wanted to cry soooo badly, it took all of my will power to not!!! Thankfully my friend J was really nice and empathetic and told me not to worry about those b******. ;) Also my friend C asked me what was wrong and assured me that the girls correcting me weren't trying to be mean. Anyway, it was hell and I sure hope I don't have another night like that!!!

After work my friend C came home with me and we rented a movie called To Save A Life. It was really good, but we didn't finish it, I will this afternoon tho. So when C left I found out my best friend Mary is a backstabbing bad word ;) I was going to see her in Spokane this weekend for the first time in forever because they are visiting from Spokane but she cancelled on me just last night and I was supposed to go there tomorrow!!! Anyway, that hurt soooo bad, it makes me want to cry writing this, I laid in my bed and sobed last night, then I went and b/ped then drew for a while to settle my head and finally fell asleep around 2 am, but at least I slept thru the night till 7. It was a super rough night tho, I am so glad it is over. And now she is texting me, acting like nothing is up, and I am just not going to respond. She. Oils at least say sorry for screwing with me and breaking me heart.

I am too upset now, I am going to go hop in the nice refreshing pool and swim some laps before I get ready for art class, which, by the way, is going AMAZING!!!! Favorite few hours of my day!!! We are doing figure drawing right now, I even modeled for the class yesterday because we rotated around and my teacher gave me th nicest complement and said I had really great features for modeling!!! It was awesome, although a bit weird to have a room full of men looking at me!!!! ;)

anyway, off to the rest of my day!!!

Maddi
xxx

Weeeell, it is Tuesday. Not sure what I think about that...it should still be Monday tho, Monday seems to have sped by! Oh well...

The BBQ yesterday was fun, I was a little disapointed because I only got to see 2 out of 4 of the friends I wanted to see but that is alright. And although we won't be on the same highschool swim/dive teams next year because I live on the other side of the river, we will still see eachother at swim meets! Speaking of swimming I got in my pool for an hour this morning and it felt great to get in, although I am really tired at the moment! :)

I left the BBQ early to go to a friends going away party. It was her and a group of girls from my old class. Although it wasn't my sort of night, I still had fun. It was weird, I felt like a normal teenage girl...thing is, i didn't exactly love what we did, I suppose I just have a different idea of fun! I DID have fun tho, there was lots of laughter. What we did is we all illegally piled 8 people into a slugbug and drove around town doing random things like drive thru Wendy's and buy manderin oranges, and we went to this fountain downtown and waded around, and we wentto a track and ran around it and then we drove down this one long street in the dark and yelled at people walking a long while blasting music. It was scary considering it was illegal. Like I said, I did have fun, but I wouldnt risk it again! after that we drove to another girls house and watched The Bounty Hunter, but it's a boring movie so I left.

Eating stuff is still a struggle. I ate enough to maintain yesterday and it is killing me knowing that, I feel like I need to restrict today and tomorrow to make up for it. :/ there is a certain number in my head that I just can't escape, I want it soooo bad, but for whatever reason I can't quite get to that weight. And I am only two pounds shy!!! I know I shouldn't get to that weight but right now it feels like I MUST. Am I trying to cope with stress or pain?? Both maybe?? Mr. L's accident definitely had an effect on me, ever since that Sunday two weeks ago I haven't been able to get more than six hours of sleep, which, combined with the amount of food I am eating, is not good for me. But for some reason my mind can't rest, I usually fall asleep around 1 am and wake up again at 3:30 am. Those are the worste nights. If I am lucky I will sleep from 1 to 6:30. I also think missing my friend K who is Honduras is another really difficult thing right now. We have been emailing alot, but on the days she isn't able to respond I just feel so lonely. I also feel like I don't deserve to eat, I have just been seeing all of th suffering in this world, and why should I get to enjoy food?? I feel nothing but emptiness after eating, like it just isn't right...my new therapist suggested that maybe it's OCD, but I would have to disagree. I agree with mynold therapist who believes it is a coping method. I must be true because that space visiting my friend Mary and before Karli left I was doing so well. I still wasn't at all comfortable with my body but at least I was willing to fight the voice of ED. But once my life stared falling apart again, once the really steady relationship I had broke away, I turned to what I know helps numb me from a pain that I just can't handle. Same goes for cutting, only that is when I just can't accept how much of a failure I am/was. I don't eat to numb, I cut to numb when I do eat. It's all so complex, so deep, what makes me unable to Handel some things without bringing harm to myself. And writing this I should realize why I am doing what I am doing and just stop, but it just doesn't work that way. Instead I write this, and I know that when I am done writing it I need to go take a walk to burn off the extra calories that kept me from loosing weight yesterday...

Well I have to go, my mom is stressing me out majorly so I AM actually going to take a walk to get out of the house after I finish abload of chores. :/ today is already a crapy day, it started when I woke up this morning knowing I hadn't lost weight. What is really going on inside tho? I wish I knew...then I could figure this out and not have the symptom. Anorexia is a symptom, a display on the outside of something on the inside...

Anyway, I love you all, your endless support is worth so much to me!

Maddi
xxx

Hellooooooo! :)

Well I don't have a lot to say right about now but I am bored and tired so I decided I would post! ;)

Having my license is amazing, and it's only day three!!! I loooove not having to always wait for my ride or ride the bus! :) and it makes me feel older which is something ED does NOT like but so what, I like driving too much to give it up!! My cars name is bumble and it is teal and it's awesome and I will post a picture of it and also some artwork once I get on a computer!

Art was so neat today!! We worked on figure drawing which I love to do, minus nakee people. I did two pictures, they are both sorta rough, but I like the way they turned out!!

Tonight I go to a swim team BBQ then I might go to the drive in with some friends, that would be my first time in a long time seein these friends so I hope it works out!! And I might swing by a going away party fir another friend and stay for a few to say goodbye!

Tootles for now, I hope your week has started out great!!.

Thanks for your comments. Sorry, I can sometimes be REALLY paranoid about what people think of me!!

Yesterday and Friday have been very busy days...I'll start with Friday! :)

Friday afternoon my mom and I drove to Seattle for an appointment, which went well, then to visit my friends dad at Harbor View Medical Center because he broke his neck. The first 2 times I saw him were hard but this time was so much better. I think the first time was hard because he was in the intensive care unit, and the second time he was in a wheelchair and I guess it was hard because he seemed so weak. But this third time was sooo much better. It's still not easy of course but since it was just my mom and I I was able to talk to him. At one point he had PT so Mrs. L and us walked down this big hill to downtown Seattle and bought some shoes for him and then had lunch before I tackled the huge hill to feed the car parking meter. I didn't have anything else to do so I went up to the room and mr. L was there so I doodled and chatted with him, then helped a nurse put him in bed because he was tired of sitting up. That was kind if awkward but it was neat to help. They use this cradle type thing, it's hard to explain. Anyway, we stayed there till dinner then left to get my little sister from the family she was staying with and grabbed some food from safeway and drove home. We didn't get home till late because I missed the exit... Haha, oops!!

Yesterday I got my license!!! It's awesome, but I had a bad first solo drive experience! I ran out of gas in the middle of the street!! My car doesn't have much warning time for that. Anyway, I was stuck in the middle of the street but thankfully right next to a parking lot entrance so some guy pushed me in to it!!

Gosh, I amso busy I have to go do a drawing that is due tomorrow but it's good to be back blogging, thanks for your comments!!

Maddi
xxx

I hope I am not shunned for telling you that I have been struggling. :(
Maddi
xxx

Hi! So I firgured out that I can post from my new iPod touch!!! :D I didnt think I could but it turns out I can!!

Today was just another summer day, I babysat my little brother and sister for a few hours this morning, then I went to a dive camp. This camp is just an hour long and it's taught by my gymnastic coaches daughter who does college diving. I was only able to go three days because attendance is a big part of my college class grade, and the times conflict. It was so fun, and it was also really different considering the last time I dove I was 25 pounds lighter! I don't know if it made a difference because it wasn't the same coach but I bet it did!

After dive I had class then I had to take the bus home from class. :/ I hate doing that but I am grounded from getting my license which I was supposed to get on the 19th. :( dumb dumb dumb...;) My mom and I and the little sibs also went to Costco to restock with the essentials.

Overall a pretty good day except I lost 2 pounds yesterday and another 2 today. It's crazy, I even ate 2000 calories yesterday and I still lost so much! Ya, well that would tell you all how ED stuff has been. So here's the short: when I found out abot karli leaving I stopped eating, but one day I got soooo hungry, so I binges. Well that made me guilty AND sick to the stomach so I purged. It was so easy to purge so I just decided I would do it again, and it became such a bad habit that I would sometimes do that up to three times in a day!! Thankfully I am on my 5th day straight without a b/p episode, it was so out of the blue, and I am so glad to have conquered that before it got worse. I have my new therapist to thank for that. That is another new thing. I am still seeing my old one in Seattle but this guy, John, lives here. Basically I told him that I wasn't ready to give up my anorexia right now, but I didn't want to get trapped in the grips of bulimia too. I am so grateful to him for giving me the tools to help me overcome this. Anorexia tho is a very strong part of my life. I am loosing weight rapidly and no matter what anyone tells me I won't stop. Honestly I am giving in right now. Between Karli being gone and my other best friends dad having broken his neck and her living with us, I need some security. I know that i really should be able to find security in Christ, but while there is a war going on with my eating issues, I also think there is a spiritual battle going on. For some reason I can't seem to grasp on to God. Karli's mom and I have talked and are trying to fight this war together, her coming beside me to help me. We have only talked once, she has been out of town, but her insight has at leat helped me to sort of see what is going on, even though I still have no idea how to change/fix it...
So that is it, I got it out. It's been a hard month, but even tho I am daily slipping with eating, I still believe that althogh I feel mostly hopeless now, there will be hope, and there will be a way out of this.

Thanks all of you for letting me share. :)

Maddi
xxx

There was a HUGE thunderstorm last night!!! :D Just thought I would share! Did anyone else have a storm where they were?? Btw, I LOVE thunderstorms, but it was sad because I was stuck inside working when it was pouring rain, I wanted to go run outside so bad. Also there was a code red=fire-at the hospital last night, which was a little startling but everything was ok. I also saw my swim coach there because her dad was in Critical Care. :(
Anyway, it was a exciting afternoon!

Today I am babysitting the sibs, going to my art class, working on a drawing that is due Monday, and going to Costco to exchange my malfunctioning ipod touch that I JUST got! (and I really wish I could post from). A good summer day in my book, maybe I will go for a walk with my mom somewhere in there too, its hot tho, so probably late in the evening...:)

Got to go, have a wonderful day everyone!!! And sorry for my absence , I have reasons behind, and I will share them when the times comes...:)

Maddi
xxx

Hi people! ;) I am waaaaay overdue for a post! I have just been so busy doing so much and really moving along with life. I have a lot of things I want to write about, but just no time to do so! So my plan is to use a word document and just write a little every once and a while and then I will post it all and it will be like a official "summer post". ;) But it will take a while...Oh well...:)

I hope your summers have been AMAZING!!! :D

Maddi
xxx

My best friend leaves tonight. I am....very upset, for lack of a better word. :( I think I will go cry myself to sleep. It sucks to love someone so much. :(

ok, so NOW some sketches! ;)

Milly-the wooden duck me and my best friend M in Tennessee pass back and forth! Right now I have her. :)

Sketch of a neat fountain I saw once.

This says, "To see something not as it is, is often harder than seeing something as it is not." Not sure if that makes sense but i made it up! ;)

boots! :)

Maddi

xxx

sketches! :)

Hiya!

This morning I went swimming. 6 to 8 am! :p Its also long course, which I really DON'T like, but I am pushing myself to go anyway. I have only gone to 4 summer practises tho, for various reasons. Today was my first time this week because I have been too tired! Tired because 1.) I have worked EVERY night this week!, and 2.) I started my art class this week!!! :D

Art: The first day was just introduction, then the teacher sent us off to buy supplies. His name is Mr. Bailey, and he is really nice! He has been teaching for 15 years!!! So I expect it will be really good! My classmates are all guys, men actually, which is kinda creepy...So I wont be giving any of them any personal details. If they want to talk about art that is ok, but nothing more!

Yesterday we did some neat exercises like blind contour drawing, and semi blind contour drawing. Blind is when you don't look at the page at all, only at the thing you are looking at. We did that with drawings of our hands! :) Mine actually looked like hands unlike everyone else's, so I was kinda proud of that! :) Then we did semi-blind contour drawings of the top of a plastic lady model. that was so neat, semi is when you can look at the paper a little, you just cant look as you are drawing. We did several of those and I really liked how mine turned out! :)

For class we have to FILL an entire sketch book!!! D: I will try posting pictures in another post-for some reason blogger isnt letting me upload any. :/

Eating wise things have been hard, for a specific reason, so at least I know why. I don't want to end my post not explaining, but I should be watching the kiddos now! I will do a separate post about that tho...:/

I have missed blogging, it is just kinda hard to feel motivated to during the summer! But once we hit fall it will probably be closer to daily, rather than weekly! :)

Hope everyone is well as good be!

Maddi
xxx

My art class at the college starts in 4 days!!!!! I cant wait! :D I will post pictures of work for sure(tho I have no clue what kind of art I will be doing!)

Summer is so busy and so relaxing all in one. I never really feel the urge to blog, I think just because I am so content and loving not feeling like I need to update. But I DO read all of your blogs, just to let you know! Sometimes I comment, sometimes I dont.

Life is swell, I have maintained the same weight for quite some time now, and even tho there are times I hate it, for the most part things have been better. It is hard to maintain tho between swimming and work!

Love you all, once school starts I will probably start posting on a more regular bases again! Oh, and my last post was my 1ooth!! YIPPEEE! :D haha, I was excited to see that! :D

Maddi
xxx

Which way?

1. 2.

I painted a picture for my friend Karli as a graduation present, and I want to frame it but I cant decide which way too.. Vote, 1 or 2!! :) Thanks! (it matters because I want to put my sig.)

So far this has been my summer: painting this, swimming, working, and getting together with a couple friends. Its been great!!!

Maddi

xxx

SUMMER!!!

Today is officially the first day of summer! I am feeling waaay unmotivated to do anything(like posting a decent post for example) but lie around, because it was a tough week and I am exhausted, but YES, it is SUMMER!!! I will post tomorrow, promise! ;) But now, I am going to BED! :D
Maddi
xxx

I want this weekend to not end yet! :P

Heyo!
Wow, I cant believe it is a Sunday...that really really is sad...BUUUT, its my last week of school before FREEDOM!!! :D Ok, so, on to a quick weekend recap...

Saturday morning I woke up and came upstairs(my room is in the depths of the earth...down in the dark and cozy little basement) to some lovely sunshine! That was awesome, seeing as it was the Apple Capital swim meet! Ah, first swim meet ever, I was a bit nervous!!! :P Well, I got there at 10:30, got all my events figured out and written on my arm in sharpie, and warmed up. Warm up was SOOOO chaotic!!! There was the whole WRAC team, plus another smaller team, all jammed into one lane! Gah, it was so crazy, and really hard! I was glad when it was over, that is for sure!!! Then I hung out with D, S, and E in between events. On Saturday I did a 100 free, 100 back, and 50 breast. I was also supposed to do a 200 breast, but I had to go to work. :P The 100 free went good, but it was really hard to know how to pace myself since I have never done a 100 in race speed! Lets just say my legs kinda felt like jello when I climbed out of the pool! ;) The 100 back didnt go so great. This meet was long course, and it was outside so there was no ceiling with flags to keep you going straight!!! I kept hitting the lane line and that MAJORLY slowed me down! Oh well, its all good! The 50 breast also went well! I hate breaststroke, I feel like I try so hard and still dont get anywhere, but I was happy with my time, and I did the best that I could! After all my events I bought a pair of sweats from the little meets shirt selling place thing....lol. Anyway, I put Eat. Sleep. Swim. down one leg, and a little thing that says swim on the right front hip. They are such cozy pants! :D Then it was off to work, which I enjoyed, and K was there, so that was a lot of fun! :)

Today I had to be at the pool at 9:30. And it was pouring rain. Whoopy! :P Warm ups were hectic again, but honestly it was good to be in the water, it was warmer in then out! Today I had just three events again, because the last I had to go to work before, and I think they were alright! I wish the weather wasnt so bad tho so that I could really see what my times would be-the cold really slows you down! First I had a 50 free, and I got third, and that was super excited! And I was only like 5 ish seconds behind some of the fastest girls at the meet! :D 50 frees are definitely my thing! Then I had a 50 back, and I felt like that went well, I didnt hit the lane line, and I didnt have any of those, "ah, my face is under water and I seem to be sinking" moments! The 100 breast went well too. Again, I am SOOOO slow at breast, so instead of trying to go super fast and killing myself, I just relaxed a little, and focused more on my form! :) After that I came home and showered, had blueberry pancakes for lunch, and watched part of Where the Wild Things Are. Then to work, and tonight I finished the movie, and now am blogging! ;) Btw, that movie is really good, it totally doesnt follow the book, but still, I would suggest you watch it if you like cute, happy, sad, funny, serious, type movies. Seriously, I laughed and cried!

Ok, well this post isnt much for thoughts, I need to go to bed so I am well rested for the last few days of school, but I wanted to update you all on how the meet went! All I can say is I still LOVE swimming! :)

Maddi
xxx

Better Ways

Happy Fryyyyyyday!!! ;)

Today I had a T appt. First in two weeks, without a phone appt. in between. And it was actually really good! She weighed me but I didnt look, and she said that I am still at a low weight for my height, but its a healthy weight. Like, it is healthy number wise, but she would want me to gain. Anyway, I am happy that I am at an ok place, and I am happy that I didnt look at the number, which made it so I wouldnt binge! :)

At the beginning of the appt. I did something different! K(my T) has two rats who live in her office. They live in a cage that is on this counter, and the cage door is open so they come and go as they please and even go in this really neat old dollhouse that is on the counter. They were running around(even tho they are nocturnal they seem to always be out when I am there!) and I asked if I could hold one! One is named Pixie, and she is older and more calm, and the other is Tweet, and she is like the teenager! Thats what K says of her at least, and I would have to agree. While I held Pixie, Tweet was trying to find a way off the counter, so K and I watched as she climbed over the barrier that was up, and very ungracefully jump to the floor! It was really funny, and we had to build a better barrier with books! I was afraid Tweet would get hurt, but apparently rats can fall about 30 feet without getting injured! Crazy no?? Oh, and these rats are dwarf rats, so they are really cute, instead of big and ugly. They are also super smart! They dont poop all over, and they dont bite, and they are just 100% adorable! K breeds them, so when my super old cat dies I might get one! I would have to wait because my mom wont allow another pet in the house until one of the 3 we have is gone! Sorry Cloe, but your time on this earth is almost up! She is about 14 yrs. old!!! Holy cow!!!

Anywhoo, the rest of the appt. went well, and we worked together to come up with some things that will prevent me from going to extremes with eating, i.e. binging, or starving. That was good, and I really think that the ideas should work well! One of them is that I read the bible when I get home from school. I think that would be good because often I binge when I get home from school(the days that I binge that is, its not that often) because I feel really lonely! And besides, reading the bible twice a day would actually be a great habit to get into!

After the appt. my mom and I went to Whole Foods for lunch!!!! AH, I. LOVE. THAT. STORE. Omg, it was my first time going there, and it was HUGE and FULL of so many AMAZING foods! Like wow! Unfortunately we had to get home right away, so we only had time to grab lunch, but I would have loved to shop around a bit! Someday! For lunch I had salad bar with things such as egg, and quinoa. I am a huge fan of quinoa! And for dessert I had the dark chocolate rasberry flavored Dagoba chocolate bar. Ah, it was so so good. I didnt bring my camera this trip so no pictures.

I drove most the way home, then when we got home it was time to go to G's graduation. His girlfriend, H, came along with us. It was SO boring!!! :P I am sorry, but the speakers were awful, even the valedictorian who gave a speech was terrible at giving speeches! Seeing that made me so thankful for the education I have gotten at the River Academy!!! Ugh, I was so bummed, I had really been looking forward to going to the Truth Project at K's but instead I had to watch 404 students be handed their diplomas. Woop di didi doo...:P Oh well...

Tomorrow is the Apple Capital swim meet! I am sososososo nervous!!! :S Its my first meet...I have to be there at 10:30 tomorrow morning, and I have 4 events, tho I doubt I will be able to finish them all because I have work at 4:30. Lame. Buuuut, K is working that night too, so I am looking forward to seeing her there! She is working the same job as me, except they are called different names, but you do the same thing. See, it goes by numbers. So I am now able to work job 20, 21, and 22. 20 and 21 are the same job, only they need two people doing it. :) So I will see her in passing! ;)

Ok, well I best be heading to bed, I have a VERY long day ahead of me tomorrow. Oh, did I mention the swim meet is outside, and that the weather has been very cold lately?? Um, ya, brrr....Ok, I'm off and away! :)
Maddi
xxx

Rain and Sun, all in one...

hi! The last few days have sort of been a blur! I worked last night and was trained to do that new job. Not by Karli unfortunately, but by a girl named Alyssa. She was nice tho, and I enjoyed working with her! This new job entails A LOT of walking, and my feet were sore by the end, but I will get used to it. It is fun. You determine what tray goes to who based on the name and number, and serve it to the patient, and it is so much fun to just smile at them and tell them to enjoy their meal, and just bring a little sunshine into their dull hospital room! Even tho it is a tiring job, I really think I am going to enjoy doing it! Tomorrow I am doing it again, this time with Karli, and she said something that makes me think she is pretty much going to leave it to me! D: AHHH, I am not ready to do it on my own yet! I will have to tell her that!

The weather has been pretty wild here! It goes between rainy and sunny, and hot and cold, in the same day! Its pretty crazy, but I dont mind! This afternoon it was POURING, and I went out and jumped on the trampoline! That was so much fun, I was rolling around in the huge puddle that had gathered on it! lol...I love rain. I cant wait to live in Seattle some day! :D

I have gained a bit more weight. I know I need to, rationally. Between 2 hours of swimming at 6 am, to 2 hours and 20 mins of an art class at the college(Mon-Thur), and 3 and a half hours of work in the evening, I am going to need a little bit of a cushion, in case I lose weight, so that I am not stuck at an unhealthy weight! At least I am telling myself that...I cant decide if it is just to make myself not feel guilty about gaining weight, or if I really believe it. Maybe a little of both...Today was pretty hard with body image. All throughout classes I couldnt help but feel like I had giant thighs. Then at home later my hips seemed enormous. But then I had this realization that I am still skinny! I look in the mirror, and I am still skinny! Honestly! It is all balanced, God made our bodies very special, and the fat doesnt all gather in the same place!!! Sure, maybe there is a bit more in some places then others, but that is unique to each person, and God created that person to look like that for a reason! The problem is that today I was focusing on that one section of fat, instead of looking at my body as a whole. If we all scrutinize and study each individual part of our bodies, we will NEVER be happy! God made us have complete bodies, we arent defined by the size of our thighs, or the length of our legs, or the color of our hair and eyes. We are people, created in His image, and health and happiness is what is important. In class today a question of why we are on earth was answered. "We are here to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I thought that was really interesting, and also really true!

Well, I am looking forward to work tomorrow! Then Friday I have a T appt. and either my brothers graduation, or the Truth Project thing at Karli's. I really hope that the times dont conflict, because if they do I would have to go to the graduation, and quite frankly I would rather go to Karli's! I would rather spend my time learning about the Truth and spending time with fellow believers then watching a bunch of high school graduates walk across a stage! ;) Ok, so maybe thats a little harsh, but o well! ;)

Thanks for all of your sweet comments! :D Keep plugging away at recovery and your goals, whether it be eating or taking care of other hard issues in your life. :)
Maddi
xxx

I havent left!!!

Wow, its been a while since my last post...:P

I have just a couple exciting things to tell. One is that Friday night I went to a birthday party for this girl from my church. My sister and I were both invited and it was a slumber party! It was soooo fun!!!!! I dont even remember the last time I went to a birthday party, let alone a slumber party!! We stayed up till 4 am watching movies and playing card games and eating candy. Yes, I ate the candy too!! Seriously, why not?? I needed the extra calories anyway staying up that late! ;)So ya, it was awesome!

On Saturday we set up our trampoline! YES!!!!!! My parents always talked about getting one, especially to help me with diving, but they never did until now. It is so much fun. I havent really had much a chance to jump on it yet tho, but today after school I may try to get on for a little while. But i have to be at work at 4. :/ I am going in early because Karli has to train me for another job. At least it is Karli training me! The girl who trained me for the other job kept leaving stuff out so then I got the blame for forgetting it! :P Also, that night, we had a birthday dinner for my mom. Thai food was for dinner. It was really good! :D Lots of veggies too! Then dessert was Marion-berry pie. That is like my FAVORITE flavor pie! :)

Sunday after church C, S, and dad and I drove to Spokane to visit some family. That was pretty fun, then we drove home Monday. Fast and sweet, any longer and I wouldnt make it because our cousins are really very annoying and rough. I am glad we went tho!

Last night was just a work night...I dont know what is happening at school today, but hopefully nothing hard...

Oh, and it is a new month! A new start! :) I am determined to make this a great month on the eating front! And with other things as well I suppose! ;)
Maddi
xxx

Around and around we go...

The Mariner MOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

The baseball game was a blast!!!! :D The whole first 7 innings were pretty slow, and the Mariners were stinking it up and loosing 4 to 1, but things turned around bottom of the eight!!! :) A home run was hit, and then lots of great plays, and they ended up winning 5 to 4!!! 4 points in one inning! It was so exciting! And I found out the next day at school that I had made it on TV! Whooot! :) Haha, my teacher showed me a screen shot, I am clapping and look super excited!!

This is Stephanie! The 4th graders came along with us, and I volunteered to be a buddy with one who didnt have a parent there. We just had to make sure they got in and out of the stadium and to the bus ok, but me and Steph ended up hanging out the entire time! It was so fun!!!! I had been really concerned about who I would hang out with, the only person I remotely wanted to hang with was Madison, and she wasnt there, so this worked out perfectly! I wasnt sitting near any of the girls in my class and I was totally ok with it! Oh, I just loved it, seriously, God knew what I needed for the day. We just had so much fun talking and walking around the stadium, buying hot chocolate because it was really cold! Funny thing is, I bought icecream later...lol. But ya, Steph is so cute, and so mature for her age, and just a joy to be around, I really couldnt have asked for a better buddy for the day. Besides Mary of course, I would have loved if she was there. But we texted a lot on the bus ride there and back, so in a way she was there!

Anyhow, on to some other stuff. Eating/weight/life, related stuff. Starting yesterday night eating has been a little off the charts. Like, um, on the bus ride back I ate a ton of min chips ahoy cookies that Ali had, and as if that wasnt enough I had a lot of icecream when I got home. :/ So ya, I felt majorly guilty about that, but then I realized that with all the swimming it was probably the perfect amount to maintain. Only it didnt stop there...I binged when I got home from school today. :( I was feeling so so so discouraged, and trust me, I feel SO fat. But I can turn this around, and not let it destroy me or rule me for a couple reasons. One, is that I can kind of put a finger on why I did this. I think it has to do with finding out my weight last Friday. I am regretting that I looked, but at least I learned my lesson. I guess it just caused me to freak out a bit. So I ate and ate and ate to compensate for the anxiousness. I dont know if I will gain anything from this binge, probably not, rationally thinking, because with all the work and swim, even if i did, if i eat normal for the next week my weight will go back down to where it was. i know that....its just hard to believe when i feel so unbelievably huge...thankfully I dont feel gross tho now. Actually hungry! But thats just my tummy, my body oon the other hand feels fine, i am not even tired! Sorry this is so random and not really organized or easy to read, I just need to get it out ya know??? Ok, well anyway, I am not giving up with this. I can do this. I am not gonna binge tomorrow. Nor am I going to restrict, as much as I want to. Thats going to be really hard since tomorrow at grandparents day there is food, which is not good because then I wont know calorie content, which often times leads to a binge, and if that isnt enough I have a slumber party that night....So it may be hard but I have it planned out, how I can make it through the day without feeling like I have had too much. Wow, seriously, this must be weird to read! ;) Ugh...When I go to my T appt. next Friday I am not going to look at the number on the scale. Not going to happen. For some reason the number is scaring me. It was too low last time, I know that, but it still would have been better to not know at all, and just have my T tell me I should or shouldnt gain more. Without knowing the number, I am less likely to binge because I wont know how "fat" I am. And I am less likely to restrict because although ED loves it, I dont want to be too underweight. So not knowing the number helps me to live by what my body is telling me more than what the scale is telling me.. Thats why I was so discouraged, because I havent even looked at the scale since that appt, yet I still binged!!!! :P I am a bit freaked still, dreading waking up in the morning to a less bony chest and flabby arms and thighs. But rationally I know it doesnt work like that. Rationally rationally rationally....If only both sides of my brain were rational...I dont know what exactly prompted this sporaticness, perhaps I really wasnt getting near enough so my body, once I gave it more food, just kept screaming for more?? Or perhaps there were just deep feelings, like sadness, that I ignored, and used food to cover up??? Maybe??? Maybe I am sad, I need something, but I dont want to need anything, and I really dont want to be unhappy, I want to show people I can last happy for more than just a while, and more than just when my circumstances are good. And I AM happy! I genuinely believe that! But that doesnt mean I wont have unhappy days, and last evening I wasnt really happy, but I tried to ignore it, and not believe that any sadness was there, and perhaps I was using food things to cover it up...I think maybe so...Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day, next week is a new week. Next week is a week where I can properly nourish my body, and properly take care of my feelings! And not starting Monday, but starting tomorrow! I CAN and WILL succeed in recovery. There are setbacks, there are mountains to climb, and rivers to forge, but God is my rock and my fortress and my DELIVERER. So things will change, in time. I have faith.

Congrats if you read all that! Phew, it felt good to get out! :)

Have a fantastic weekend everybody!

Maddi

xxx

So unmotivated..

Ya. Thats me. Completely unmotivated. :/ I'm pretty sure thats because the last two days have dragged by at an unbearably slow rate. :/ So ya, I have a biology paper thats due tomorrow that I need to fix up a little, and that wont even take long but I just soooo dont want to! After this post tho I promise I will!!!

I cant wait for tomorrow! Ahh! Our class is going on a field trip to...Seattle! :D Kinda funny considering I go over there all the time, but ya, we are going to go see a Mariners game! YAAA! The only bummer is we have to be at the school at 5:30 a.m.!!!! :P CRAZY!!! I'll be packing a breakfast as I dont like eating that early! 6:30, 7, is usually when I have breakfast, there is no way I am gonna have it at 5!!!! I'm bringing yogurt and banana! Lunch is provided, but its hotdogs, which I hate, so I am packing my own lunch! And I will probably buy a treat there, like some ICE CREAM!!! :D Its gonna be so fun! Even tho I dont know who i am going to hang out with because obviously Mary isnt there, and it turns out Madison isnt going either. :( Probably i will hang with Ali and Savannah, but maybe I will just float around to different people depending on what they are doing. I like actually watching the games, whereas some people just wander around.

Todays snack-grapenuts, blueberries, and sunflower see butter! YUM!

Haha, the card I made for Mary at Karli's the other night! I made it super quick with water color, and then used stamps. It was sloppy but I liked the way it turned out anyway!

Well, I am gonna go do what I need to do....Seems like things are dragging by super duper slow, but next week is a busy week so it will get better. i like relaxed kind of slow, but this slow isnt even relaxed, know what I mean?? ;)

Have a great rest of the week!

Maddi

xxx

Two Weeks.

I am not going to look at a number on a scale for two weeks. And maybe more, depending. I have a T appt. in two weeks, thats why I picked that number! And why not up the amount of time without weighing by a week at a time?? :) So....I am a bit nervous to say the least...and I will probably NOT look at the number-I swear, that always just leaves me feeling soso sooo low- and just have my T tell me whether I need to gain, or if I am at an alright weight. Obviously I wont be at a "what she would consider recovered" weight, but I would hope to be at about a 18.5 BMI. Arg...I hate numbers...Thats all I have to say about that.

Today was good. It envolved church, writing a biology paper, eating a few fiber one bars-my mom finally bought some and I love them, reading, going to work, and writing a letter to Mary. And last night Karli and I talked for a long time after work in the parking lot then went to her house and painted! :D I will show pics of what I did soon! I got home after midnight..:p :) Welll, this was SUCH a blahsay post, but what ev, I have one more chp. of the book I have been reading, so I am going to read that then get some good 'ole z's to get me through tomorrow! Oh, and I dont have work all week so I get to go to swim every day!!! :D And the big field trip is Wednesday, then half day Friday! And a slumber party Friday night!!!! Ok, so more on all that later, but I know its gonna be a fine and dandy week! :)

Love you guys lots!
Maddi
xxx

*YAAAWNNN*

Goodnight. Oh, wait, its only 7. :/ Blah, but I am sooo tired, I think just because a day trip to Seattle isnt exactly restful...And perhaps yesterdays super hard swimming is catching up to me. In any case, I am feeling quite pooped, and ready to go to bed. Maybe when I am done with this post I will watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy, just as something besides thinking to keep me awake until a decent hour to go to sleep! ;) Ya, I could work on homework, but quite frankly my mind has been SO busy today...Just a TON has been on my mind. *sigh*

Yup, so my T appt. went well, nothing much to report there. We talked about some friend stuff, and about choices, and how recovery is about MY choice, not anyone elses. And then, dun dun dun, I got weighed. Blah...BMI of 17.8. :( NOT GOOD!!!!! I didnt think I was doing THAT bad!!! Thats like 4 lbs lost in just a week...:/ And ED is SOOOOO nagging at me today, telling me again and again that I am FAT! But o my gosh NO! :( Ugh...I was eating 2000 or more calories every day, how is that not even close to enough??? So now I need to gain weight...rationally I know that...but can I??? I am so sick of gaining weight, its always gain this, gain that, oh no, now you have gained too much, loose this, loose that, oh, now you need to gain! :/ I dont know what to do! Like...I new I *might* loose some on how much I was eating, but not anything close to that much! Its like I cant maintain without using the scale...yet I dont want to go back to using the scale as my judge! I always feel so tied down by it, and my food choices are completely ruled by it...Either way I dont like the number I see so I binge or starve. I have felt soooo free the last week, not having to rely on it, feeling more free to eat what I please. Yes, I was counting calories, but thats different...I still feel so much more free, and eventually I wont feel the need to count. But ugh...finding out my weight today was like a big slap in the face, like "uh, dude, its not that easy!" So yes, I am disappointed...disappointed that I didnt do better, that my body needs so much stinking food to maintain, let alone to gain...And I feel disappointed that I couldnt do it on my own, without my worst enemy the scale. I hate the scale, yet its like my crutch. :/ I have decided I am going to weigh myself next Friday. So another week without. And if my weight continues to drop drastically like it has, even with added calories, I will subdue myself to the scale and its command. I dont want to. my ED doesnt want me to. But I may have to.

Anyhow, lunch today was certainly a challenge! I was feeling so confused after my appointment, going between wanting to eat and not wanting to, just not sure at all what I wanted, but I pushed the ED out and enjoyed a few treats! :) I had a small amount of Hungarian Mushroom soup, which was sooo yummy and perfect and hot for the cold and rainy day that it was! And I had this...

Black bean and corn salad! :) I ate about a third of it...Then for dessert I bought this, which was probably the hardest thing to do, but I really enjoyed it! :)

A Vegan Hawaiian Cookie! Mmmmm, so fruity, and it also tasted a lot like a oatmeal cookie, and I adore oatmeal cookies! My fave! :)

Then for a snack later, I had this beauty we picked up at PCC too... Dagoba dark chocolate with lavender and blueberries! Ah, so good! Theo is still my fave brand, but this was good! I split it with my mom! :)

Random sidewalk chalk art from a couple days ago!

Well, that was my day. We went to Costco when we got home and got some more food, like Clif bars which are a must for me, and also some really good cold cereal. Cinnamon pecan or something...Anyway, I like it. Then I went for a walk with Chiro, and we got attacked by a rottweiler, that pinned Chiro on the ground...and bit at his throat, and I pushed it off, and it was SOOOO scary! It left me and Chiro pretty shaken up...

Tomorrow I have swim at 9:30, then home for homework-bible test, worksheet, and a biology paper. Then work at 5, and after work I am going to Karli's house! :D yay! It has been so long! She is working that night too, so she is just gonna take me home from there. I am so happy we can finally spend some decent time together! :)

Despite the confusion and difficulty of weight/food issues, which I know will just take time to get better, life is certainly moving forward! :) Remember to always move forward, it is the way God wants you to go! And I want that for you too! :)

Maddi

xxx