Thursday, May 27, 2010

Around and around we go...

The Mariner MOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE! :D
The baseball game was a blast!!!! :D The whole first 7 innings were pretty slow, and the Mariners were stinking it up and loosing 4 to 1, but things turned around bottom of the eight!!! :) A home run was hit, and then lots of great plays, and they ended up winning 5 to 4!!! 4 points in one inning! It was so exciting! And I found out the next day at school that I had made it on TV! Whooot! :) Haha, my teacher showed me a screen shot, I am clapping and look super excited!!

This is Stephanie! The 4th graders came along with us, and I volunteered to be a buddy with one who didnt have a parent there. We just had to make sure they got in and out of the stadium and to the bus ok, but me and Steph ended up hanging out the entire time! It was so fun!!!! I had been really concerned about who I would hang out with, the only person I remotely wanted to hang with was Madison, and she wasnt there, so this worked out perfectly! I wasnt sitting near any of the girls in my class and I was totally ok with it! Oh, I just loved it, seriously, God knew what I needed for the day. We just had so much fun talking and walking around the stadium, buying hot chocolate because it was really cold! Funny thing is, I bought icecream later...lol. But ya, Steph is so cute, and so mature for her age, and just a joy to be around, I really couldnt have asked for a better buddy for the day. Besides Mary of course, I would have loved if she was there. But we texted a lot on the bus ride there and back, so in a way she was there!
Anyhow, on to some other stuff. Eating/weight/life, related stuff. Starting yesterday night eating has been a little off the charts. Like, um, on the bus ride back I ate a ton of min chips ahoy cookies that Ali had, and as if that wasnt enough I had a lot of icecream when I got home. :/ So ya, I felt majorly guilty about that, but then I realized that with all the swimming it was probably the perfect amount to maintain. Only it didnt stop there...I binged when I got home from school today. :( I was feeling so so so discouraged, and trust me, I feel SO fat. But I can turn this around, and not let it destroy me or rule me for a couple reasons. One, is that I can kind of put a finger on why I did this. I think it has to do with finding out my weight last Friday. I am regretting that I looked, but at least I learned my lesson. I guess it just caused me to freak out a bit. So I ate and ate and ate to compensate for the anxiousness. I dont know if I will gain anything from this binge, probably not, rationally thinking, because with all the work and swim, even if i did, if i eat normal for the next week my weight will go back down to where it was. i know that....its just hard to believe when i feel so unbelievably huge...thankfully I dont feel gross tho now. Actually hungry! But thats just my tummy, my body oon the other hand feels fine, i am not even tired! Sorry this is so random and not really organized or easy to read, I just need to get it out ya know??? Ok, well anyway, I am not giving up with this. I can do this. I am not gonna binge tomorrow. Nor am I going to restrict, as much as I want to. Thats going to be really hard since tomorrow at grandparents day there is food, which is not good because then I wont know calorie content, which often times leads to a binge, and if that isnt enough I have a slumber party that night....So it may be hard but I have it planned out, how I can make it through the day without feeling like I have had too much. Wow, seriously, this must be weird to read! ;) Ugh...When I go to my T appt. next Friday I am not going to look at the number on the scale. Not going to happen. For some reason the number is scaring me. It was too low last time, I know that, but it still would have been better to not know at all, and just have my T tell me I should or shouldnt gain more. Without knowing the number, I am less likely to binge because I wont know how "fat" I am. And I am less likely to restrict because although ED loves it, I dont want to be too underweight. So not knowing the number helps me to live by what my body is telling me more than what the scale is telling me.. Thats why I was so discouraged, because I havent even looked at the scale since that appt, yet I still binged!!!! :P I am a bit freaked still, dreading waking up in the morning to a less bony chest and flabby arms and thighs. But rationally I know it doesnt work like that. Rationally rationally rationally....If only both sides of my brain were rational...I dont know what exactly prompted this sporaticness, perhaps I really wasnt getting near enough so my body, once I gave it more food, just kept screaming for more?? Or perhaps there were just deep feelings, like sadness, that I ignored, and used food to cover up??? Maybe??? Maybe I am sad, I need something, but I dont want to need anything, and I really dont want to be unhappy, I want to show people I can last happy for more than just a while, and more than just when my circumstances are good. And I AM happy! I genuinely believe that! But that doesnt mean I wont have unhappy days, and last evening I wasnt really happy, but I tried to ignore it, and not believe that any sadness was there, and perhaps I was using food things to cover it up...I think maybe so...Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day, next week is a new week. Next week is a week where I can properly nourish my body, and properly take care of my feelings! And not starting Monday, but starting tomorrow! I CAN and WILL succeed in recovery. There are setbacks, there are mountains to climb, and rivers to forge, but God is my rock and my fortress and my DELIVERER. So things will change, in time. I have faith.
Congrats if you read all that! Phew, it felt good to get out! :)
Have a fantastic weekend everybody!
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So unmotivated..

Ya. Thats me. Completely unmotivated. :/ I'm pretty sure thats because the last two days have dragged by at an unbearably slow rate. :/ So ya, I have a biology paper thats due tomorrow that I need to fix up a little, and that wont even take long but I just soooo dont want to! After this post tho I promise I will!!!

I cant wait for tomorrow! Ahh! Our class is going on a field trip to...Seattle! :D Kinda funny considering I go over there all the time, but ya, we are going to go see a Mariners game! YAAA! The only bummer is we have to be at the school at 5:30 a.m.!!!! :P CRAZY!!! I'll be packing a breakfast as I dont like eating that early! 6:30, 7, is usually when I have breakfast, there is no way I am gonna have it at 5!!!! I'm bringing yogurt and banana! Lunch is provided, but its hotdogs, which I hate, so I am packing my own lunch! And I will probably buy a treat there, like some ICE CREAM!!! :D Its gonna be so fun! Even tho I dont know who i am going to hang out with because obviously Mary isnt there, and it turns out Madison isnt going either. :( Probably i will hang with Ali and Savannah, but maybe I will just float around to different people depending on what they are doing. I like actually watching the games, whereas some people just wander around.

Todays snack-grapenuts, blueberries, and sunflower see butter! YUM!
Haha, the card I made for Mary at Karli's the other night! I made it super quick with water color, and then used stamps. It was sloppy but I liked the way it turned out anyway!
Well, I am gonna go do what I need to do....Seems like things are dragging by super duper slow, but next week is a busy week so it will get better. i like relaxed kind of slow, but this slow isnt even relaxed, know what I mean?? ;)
Have a great rest of the week!
Maddi
xxx

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Two Weeks.

I am not going to look at a number on a scale for two weeks. And maybe more, depending. I have a T appt. in two weeks, thats why I picked that number! And why not up the amount of time without weighing by a week at a time?? :) So....I am a bit nervous to say the least...and I will probably NOT look at the number-I swear, that always just leaves me feeling soso sooo low- and just have my T tell me whether I need to gain, or if I am at an alright weight. Obviously I wont be at a "what she would consider recovered" weight, but I would hope to be at about a 18.5 BMI. Arg...I hate numbers...Thats all I have to say about that.

Today was good. It envolved church, writing a biology paper, eating a few fiber one bars-my mom finally bought some and I love them, reading, going to work, and writing a letter to Mary. And last night Karli and I talked for a long time after work in the parking lot then went to her house and painted! :D I will show pics of what I did soon! I got home after midnight..:p :) Welll, this was SUCH a blahsay post, but what ev, I have one more chp. of the book I have been reading, so I am going to read that then get some good 'ole z's to get me through tomorrow! Oh, and I dont have work all week so I get to go to swim every day!!! :D And the big field trip is Wednesday, then half day Friday! And a slumber party Friday night!!!! Ok, so more on all that later, but I know its gonna be a fine and dandy week! :)

Love you guys lots!
Maddi
xxx

Friday, May 21, 2010

*YAAAWNNN*

Goodnight. Oh, wait, its only 7. :/ Blah, but I am sooo tired, I think just because a day trip to Seattle isnt exactly restful...And perhaps yesterdays super hard swimming is catching up to me. In any case, I am feeling quite pooped, and ready to go to bed. Maybe when I am done with this post I will watch an episode of Grey's Anatomy, just as something besides thinking to keep me awake until a decent hour to go to sleep! ;) Ya, I could work on homework, but quite frankly my mind has been SO busy today...Just a TON has been on my mind. *sigh*

Yup, so my T appt. went well, nothing much to report there. We talked about some friend stuff, and about choices, and how recovery is about MY choice, not anyone elses. And then, dun dun dun, I got weighed. Blah...BMI of 17.8. :( NOT GOOD!!!!! I didnt think I was doing THAT bad!!! Thats like 4 lbs lost in just a week...:/ And ED is SOOOOO nagging at me today, telling me again and again that I am FAT! But o my gosh NO! :( Ugh...I was eating 2000 or more calories every day, how is that not even close to enough??? So now I need to gain weight...rationally I know that...but can I??? I am so sick of gaining weight, its always gain this, gain that, oh no, now you have gained too much, loose this, loose that, oh, now you need to gain! :/ I dont know what to do! Like...I new I *might* loose some on how much I was eating, but not anything close to that much! Its like I cant maintain without using the scale...yet I dont want to go back to using the scale as my judge! I always feel so tied down by it, and my food choices are completely ruled by it...Either way I dont like the number I see so I binge or starve. I have felt soooo free the last week, not having to rely on it, feeling more free to eat what I please. Yes, I was counting calories, but thats different...I still feel so much more free, and eventually I wont feel the need to count. But ugh...finding out my weight today was like a big slap in the face, like "uh, dude, its not that easy!" So yes, I am disappointed...disappointed that I didnt do better, that my body needs so much stinking food to maintain, let alone to gain...And I feel disappointed that I couldnt do it on my own, without my worst enemy the scale. I hate the scale, yet its like my crutch. :/ I have decided I am going to weigh myself next Friday. So another week without. And if my weight continues to drop drastically like it has, even with added calories, I will subdue myself to the scale and its command. I dont want to. my ED doesnt want me to. But I may have to.

Anyhow, lunch today was certainly a challenge! I was feeling so confused after my appointment, going between wanting to eat and not wanting to, just not sure at all what I wanted, but I pushed the ED out and enjoyed a few treats! :) I had a small amount of Hungarian Mushroom soup, which was sooo yummy and perfect and hot for the cold and rainy day that it was! And I had this...

Black bean and corn salad! :) I ate about a third of it...Then for dessert I bought this, which was probably the hardest thing to do, but I really enjoyed it! :)

A Vegan Hawaiian Cookie! Mmmmm, so fruity, and it also tasted a lot like a oatmeal cookie, and I adore oatmeal cookies! My fave! :)

Then for a snack later, I had this beauty we picked up at PCC too... Dagoba dark chocolate with lavender and blueberries! Ah, so good! Theo is still my fave brand, but this was good! I split it with my mom! :)

Random sidewalk chalk art from a couple days ago!
Well, that was my day. We went to Costco when we got home and got some more food, like Clif bars which are a must for me, and also some really good cold cereal. Cinnamon pecan or something...Anyway, I like it. Then I went for a walk with Chiro, and we got attacked by a rottweiler, that pinned Chiro on the ground...and bit at his throat, and I pushed it off, and it was SOOOO scary! It left me and Chiro pretty shaken up...
Tomorrow I have swim at 9:30, then home for homework-bible test, worksheet, and a biology paper. Then work at 5, and after work I am going to Karli's house! :D yay! It has been so long! She is working that night too, so she is just gonna take me home from there. I am so happy we can finally spend some decent time together! :)
Despite the confusion and difficulty of weight/food issues, which I know will just take time to get better, life is certainly moving forward! :) Remember to always move forward, it is the way God wants you to go! And I want that for you too! :)
Maddi
xxx


Thursday, May 20, 2010

This is just a sketch in my sketch book...I never drew hands until 7th grade when I doodled one on a worksheet and my super nice English teacher told me it was really good! So ever since then I have done(yes, so few I can count)2 hands(not counting the first one and the ones in this sketch). One was for a project in art studio. We have art studio about every two months, the whole school has it, but on different days. I'm not sure why we dont do it more...Anyway, this project was just a fun one where you picked the position to put your hand in,and then you drew it! I put my hand in the "I love you" sign. I never got that picture back tho...Unless I steal it off the wall, my art teacher never returns them! Which reminds me, I still have my fresco painting at school...I will get that on Monday! Wow, I am so randomly talking about art this post! ;) The second hand I drew was for the CD cover art for the annual christmas CD our school makes. There is a whole school "contest" for the front cover. I drew a hand holding a loaf of bread and in calligraphy wrote "Give as He gave". My art was picked for the cover! :D But I never got it back...and when I asked about where it was no one knew...:( And we didnt buy the CD this year, so I wont ever see it again. :( I still have it pictured in my head, but already the picture is fading. :P And then the last hands were the ones pictured above! :D Ok, well enough randomness about my art stuff! :)

Swimming was great tonight! So sososososoooo hard tho! Like it was a killer set! And this one girl in front of me was being sooooo annoying! Arg, I FINALLY got her to let me pass her! She was so grouchy about it tho, probably just jealous that I am new and was kicking her but! :p I am gonna be the fastest in my lane really soon at the rate I am going! And sorry this post is totally boastful, but hey, I'm excited, so i cant help but share! ;) Well, I am tired from that workout, but it is just amazing what the human body can do if there is the mind and will power to do it!!!!!

Tomorrow is a Seattle day for a T appt. I havent been for a couple weeks, which has been totally fine as i am doing great! I actually kind of want to go tho! Partly because it is a fun excuse to not go to school, and because I miss her, but also just because I know that even in this really good time, it is good to receive help! And I will be able to get so much more out of it I bet when I am not such a mess! So ya, i am looking forward to it...my mom and I leave early tomorrow. I am loving it, just a few more weeks of school, and last week was a 1 and a 1/2 day week for me, and this week is a 4 day week, then the week after that is a 3 and 1/2 day week, then its just one more week till SUMMER!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOO! :)

Ok, well, that was SUCH a random like kinda post but hey, whatever right?? :)I gotta go to sleep now tho, tomorrow is going to be a long day!

Everybody stay strong, keep pushing everyday to make a difference in your life, or someone elses. Every day counts, every day you can change, so dont give up! :) And I am probably only telling this to like 2 people, but YOU matter, so that is awesome! Just LIVE! :D

Maddi
xxx

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Rain! :D


A water color painting of Saddle Rock mountain, done by me in art the other day! I usually dont like water color, it just never seems to turn out how I wanted it too...some part of my perfectionism I suppose, and wanting more control. But to tell you the truth I really enjoyed this project, I just let the brush fly and take the painting wherever it wanted, and I let myself be happy with the results! :) Saddle rock is a mountain that is in the valley that is really fun to hike! :) But this picture doesnt really display rain now does it? ;)

And yes, it is raining! :D I. LOVE. RAIN. And yesterday it rained too, it poured for at least an hour, and rained a good portion of the day, and now it is pouring again today! I love it when it rains in the evening! Ah, so peaceful, I cant get enough rain...lol

Oatmeal with chopped dates and almond butter! Soooo so good, I love dates in hot oatmeal, they are fantastic! And of course you can never go wrong with almond butter! :)

Life is going! Seriously! On Monday I had work, this time I wasnt exactly being trained but this nice guy Travis watched me to make sure I got it all right. I did! Oh, except for splashing hot dirty fat and grease and such from the grill...oops, I was trying to take it out to dump, thats part of cleaning the grill, but it was SO full, so when I pulled it out it sloshed!!! It missed me tho, and was easy enough to clean up, so it wasnt so bad! I had to have Travis dump it for me tho, it was way too full and REALLY heavy! Other then that little mishap it went well!
Ok, so my sister thinks this is such a weird combo but I love it! Frozen blueberries with a spoon full of yogurt and some sunflower seed butter on top! I stirred it in after the photo tho! It makes such a great light snack! :)
I was so bummed to miss swimming on Monday, and then I had to go 20 minutes late on Tuesday! :( I had to miss the whole warm-up, which looked like a lot of fun. It was a 1,000, being divided between swim, kick, and drill. I was really bummed to have missed that, it would have been good endurance training. :P But the rest of practise was good. Urg tho, there were some girls who wouldnt shut up, and Darcy kept telling them to be quiet but they wouldnt listen! :P Whatever tho, at least Sierra was there, altho Danielle wasnt. I love her, she is so nice and mature. She also helped me again with flip turns, which is great because I am not so great at those! ;) I wanted to go to group training, which is just dry land at the gym, but I have to babysit the kids. O well, at least I get to swim tomorrow! :)

Another art project we did at school! Tiles, and you got to choose your design, which is nice considering we usually all have to do the same thing! :) I gave this to my mom for mothers day!
Ok, I HAVE to share this! I am so proud of myself! I havent stepped on the scale in 5 whole days!!!! :D Like WOW, I havent gone that long except for when I was in Mexico and Tennessee! :) So the fact that is sitting downstairs, right next to the freezer where I get my(as of a few nights ago when we bought it!)nightly snack of ice-cream, and I STILL resist the temptation to step on, is really something I am proud of! :D And I plan to not weigh myself until of course this Friday, when I have a T appt., and she always weights me. So ya, big news! Its a bit nerve racking tho, having to wait till Friday! I honestly have no clue what I weigh...I'm guessing its going to be around an 18 BMI. The last time I weighed it was about 18.2, and even tho I should be heading in the up direction, I feel like I have lost a little...:S So I am not proud of that...But I look in the mirror, and when I am not listening to the lies, I see that I AM too thin. :/ Ed LOVES that, so much, and just says that if I have lost weight on what I am eating, which leaves me not hungry much through the day(I have been eating when I am hungry, and tho I am still counting calories and such, I am listening to my body's signals)then I should just continue to eat this way and slowly shed pounds. Which in reality, I cant afford to do! But I am sure I have lost, even just a little, between the swimming and school and work. I DO have a big bowl of ice cream every night, so that should help! I just have to wait till Friday, then I will find out how I have been doing...Also I got my period back! I didnt know that could happen at the weight I am at, but I guess that means it is a healthy weight for me, even with swimming??? I hope!

Just me! :)Sooo serious! ;)
School is going better! I have tackled all those assignments and I feel on top of it all! Like I am understanding math, and am caught up in bible, and there is a big paper due for biology next week, and it takes a lot of time and research, but I absolutely love biology, so I dont mind a bit!
Well, gotta go and babysit! :) Only about 2 hours, so not bad, and I got my homework done, so just playing with the kids then I will finish reading the good book I started yesterday, then off to a night of hopefully sound sleep! Which, btw, I have had the last 2 nights! Yay! Naomi is finally being more quiet and sleeping through the night! I hope it becomes habit! ;)
Love to all, I hope you are all doing ok and finding happiness in each and every day!
Maddi
xxx

Monday, May 17, 2010

I have been super busy! :D And I am loving it, and loving life, and not liking school AT ALL, but that doesnt matter since everything else is good and I am ALMOST DONE anyway! So ya, just wanted to say! :D Next post I hope to share a few pics and what my week holds, but now I gotta run! :)
Maddi
xxx

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Swimming. Icecream. Happy happy happy! :)

Mmmm, yes....I LOVE ice cream. And dont tell me there is too much fat or sugar, cuz I am gonna eat it anyway! :D I had a bowl of two flavors- Chocolate Brownie Swirl, and Strawberries and Cream. DE-LIC-IOUS! After swimming my mom ran by Top Foods and I asked if we could get ice cream and she said yes! Woo hoo! :) So ya, that was my yummy treat of the day!

For lunch I had white fish-called Talapia I think, in a whole wheat tortilla with some lettuce and veggies and a drizzled glob of sunflower seed butter. Yes, sunflower seed butter. I love it, and use it on tons of stuff! :) I took a pic, but at the moment I cant get to my camera cord which is in my room where my little sis is napping. But I do have a few foodie pics to share, as I have been being kinda creative with some eats the last few days! I took food pics for a while...then kinda stopped, and now I think I may do it just every once in a while! Not always, but if there is some particularly good creation that I really enjoyed I want to share it with people! I have found lots of good food recipes/combinations thru blogging, so I dont mind sharing! :)

Last night I went to the Poages for the truth project video. It was funny because we watched lesson 5, which happens to be the one I had watched the day before for biology! :P O well, it was actually really good to see again, and we had a good discussion afterward. I was the youngest there, all the other people were college aged, but whatever. I tend to fit in more with people younger then me, like 8th and 9th graders, or people older than me, like college students, so it was soooo much fun! The people who came were all so nice and funny! And I new one guy, K, from my old church and we talked a bit because we were the first ones there! It was so much fun, I am so glad I went! Its not happening next Friday because they are out of town, but it happens every Friday and there are 12 lessons so I really hope I can go to the rest! :) Oh, and I FINALLY got to tell Karli that I am a new person! Because honestly, I really am! I now get what people mean when they say you are "reborn." :) I had to wait because I wanted to tell her in person! :)

Swimming was awesome today, I dont know why it was so great...I think maybe because I missed it so much yesterday! I wish there was practise every day! :) And I am so bummed because I have work Monday night so I have to miss...:P But at least I can go Tues. Thurs. Sat. And I think I will try out the team training-dry land-on Wed.! My friend Danielle said it is really fun, so I really want to try it! :)

Well, right now I am awfully tired, this cold just does that to me, so I'm gonna take a quickie nap-well, I can never fall asleep so more like a quickie close my eyes and pretend-then get working on a little bit of homework I have! Ah, I love relaxed Saturdays! Oh, and tomorrow my friend Kimberly is coming over after church! Woohoo, it is a good weekend indeed! :)
Maddi
xxx


Friday, May 14, 2010


...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. ~Isaiah 40:31

Just a cool picture and a cool verse! :) Haha, random I know! Today was a half day because of 9th and 10th grade protocol, which I thankfully am not going to. Thankful because 1.) it entails getting a expensive dress, or borrowing one, which is never fun, 2.) Its a late night, and I WANT SOME SLEEP!!! :) and 3.) body image sucks right now, so to have to compare myself to all the other girls all night would be a challenge I definitely am not up for! Ah, so I am happy for the half day! :) I may go for a bike ride, but arg, I really wish there was swimming on Fridays! :P Well, I guess I will just have to wait till tomorrow. :P But I CAN go for a bike ride, and other then that I will maybe take a nap in the sunshine(I have a cold now, bleh, so maybe some sleep will help) And I have some homework catching up to do, not much, but some. Also my collage! I havent worked on that in what feels like forever, but my little box with cute pics and such is filling up, so I may just have to do that! And then tonight at like 8:30 I may go to the Truth Project thing at the Poages. I dont know if it is happening tonight tho, so thats not for sure.

Well, thats my night! Gosh, even after yesterdays binge, which usually leaves me feeling like dirt on the ground, I am still fairly happy! Like yes, the option of being all depressed and hating myself is def. there, but I am not taking it! Being happy is so much better, and honestly, I think I COULDNT be happy before because I was COMPLETELY listening to the lies of Satan, and ignoring God. Ah, I LOVE Him!!! Looking out the window and seeing the beauty only confirms His amazingness!

Yes, I am completely struggling with body image. For so long I have been underweight, then to all of a sudden not be, ugh, I now rationally that with all the swimming, and a job that entails miles of walking, and just my overall very active life style, I should NOT be underweight. But agh...I am eating normal...and I know that eating 'normal' will result in me loosing weight since I need A LOT more than 'normal.' Yet I still am doing that, because I want that reassurance that I am underweight, so everything is ok, and that way ED is still a part of me. I cant seem to let go...It takes time, it even takes years, for that longing to subside. I need to get used to being at a healthy weight. As long as I am not, even if I am not waaay underweight, ED would still be controlling me, controlling my food options, and controlling my ability to grow up and be a frickin woman who has frickin periods! No, I DO NOT want my period back, preferably ever, but I know it is what is healthy...I'm afraid that as long as I dont have it, I will still be hanging on to my ED. I'm also afraid that when I get it, I will be scared s***less, and loose the battle I thought I was winning, and loose the pounds that made the difference. And gosh...I know I will have to be at a higher weight to get it because it requires body fat, and with all this swimming I am gaining muscle, not fat so much. Well, I would hope that is the case...;)

lol, sorry if that is major TMI, its just been on my mind a lot the last few days as I try to adjust, and try to prepare my mentality for change(gaining more weight) that may have to happen. Oh, and I am hungry, so I am going to go eat some rhubarb bread that just came out of the oven!:D I just have to love my moms baking...doesnt happen often, but when it does it is delish!
Maddi
xxx

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I HATE smooth!!!!

Yes, my body is smooth, as of the last few days of weight gaining. It is now smooth. And I HATE it. Smooth, ick, ew, I hate the idea, I hate the look, I hate the feel. Hate, hate,hate, I dont know if I can handle being at this weight, um, ya, i CANT!!! :/ Sorry myself, i thought it would be easy to just gain 5 pounds and call it good but no, no, no, its too much, too fast, too....fat.

Ok, well other then that, life is going. First day of work was yesterday, but starting early since I had to be "orientated." (yes, more sitting and listening) But the last 3 hours were spent actually working, and I enjoyed it. I cant say I loved my co-workers and that we would become best-buds or anything, but they were nice to me, and that is plenty! :) And today i skipped school. Long story short, i was tired and ultimately didnt feel like going, and it was a mostly useless day anyway. I sun tanned and read Under a War Torn Sky. Great book, I finished it all! I kinda hate that I always read thru books in a day tho, then I have no reading to look forward to! :P Ok, and swimming was good today, i feel SOOO bloated, but at least i can have that reassurance that I was building muscle and endurance!

All in all, life(besides horrid body image, but i imagine over time I will get used to the 'new' me) is pretty dandy and worth living! With God at my side I can make it to the day i am 'scheduled' to leave this earth! :) love, love, love, and peace to everyone!
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Finally!

Ah, I FINALLY am done with the two day orientation at the hospital!!! It was long, it was boring, it was mostly not applicable to my job...but its over! The first day they gave us $5 coupons for the cafeteria, but I packed a lunch and used that for dinner instead,which was a cliff bar, and a black bean garden burger(SOOO GOOD!) and chocolate vanilla froyo! What can i say? I was hungry! I had dinner there then sat around for a half hour before walking to the highschool for swimming. It was a long day, I didnt get home till 8:30. Then today it was the same, except no coupon, so I bought a garden burger. I didnt get the cliff bar and froyo tho, because I didnt want to pay! But of course the burger was very much enjoyed! Then I walked to the highschool, same as Monday. And I am going to bed shortly after this because tomorrow I have another long day! I have to be at HR at 7:30 for one more test, then school, then straight from school I go to the work, early I guess because its my first day. Bleh, I will be soooo relieved when I make it to the weekend! Thats my first three days of this week in a nutshell. I have so much more to say, but no energy to say it! All I want is sleep now! And I am NOT looking forward to school today...I have felt so free without being there, without the pressure I feel there, and the low self-esteem I always feel by the time the day is over...But, I can be positive, I know the year is almost over! :)
Maddi
xxx

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Sunshine and too much dessert! ;)

Happy Mothers day! :) And thanks for the encouraging comments too! :)


Today after church we went to the Mugg's for lunch. Well, lunch wasnt ready, so my sis and I went for a walk. We walked to two of our old houses that are nearby, and were shown the inside of one which is a beautiful old farmhouse that the owners made into a bed and breakfast. That was neat! Then we walked back and lunch was ready. It was salmon...so I just had bread, salad, and fruit, but then i made up for lunch by having three servings of dessert! :P One was this chocolate pudding with rasberries, then the other was this weird cobbler stuff. I had some of each, but then I was picking at the cobble so I would count that as a third serving! But no guilt because 1.) I am a swimmer! and 2.) i was going to go biking anyway! :)


I DID go biking, and actually I had mentioned wanting to get home so I could ride the loop before the weather changed, and Amy heard me and said she wanted to join me! So she drove herself and her bike over and we went! I was very nervous...it has been years since we have done something together. It wasn't hard in that I am angry at her, she is completely forgiven, I just was afraid it would be SUPER awkward! But I thought of some questions while driving home, and that kept our convo going through the whole 11 mile ride! :) It was great, I had no need to worry. We talked about work and school and sports and all that. I learned that she is taking a couple classes at the college next year, so I might see her there some! It was good to catch up with her. Even tho it is hard, just thinking back, it was good to see that she is doing ok, and just learning about how her life is now was fun. Who knows? Perhaps we will become best buds again?? Ok, so maybe not, but that would be kinda neat. Just had a several year break in our relationship is all right?? ;) Oh, and I was sure to put on some sunscreen after burning yesterday! Hopefully a good tan is in store for me! ;)


Tonight I am just preparing for the rest of the week, gathering stuff, picking out my outfit for the job orientation tomorrow, doing chores and such. I am done with most of that stuff, so I may work on my collage a bit! Over the days my little box of pictures and such to use for it has grown a bit, so I may have enough for a page or two! Its one of those on your own dinners tonight, so eating is up to me. I think I'm hungry. Not sure...but I may have one of those frozen bean and cheese burritos from Costco. Agh...and 18 BMI is calling my name...:P Not sure how to fight this, because I know I could just stick with that weight...but at the same time I know that if I gained I could be a better swimmer, but those might just be excuses my parents are giving me to gain weight only because THEY think I am too skinny, even if really I am not...???I dont know, but I am continuing to learn more, and I have figured out a lot in the past, so I am sure I can get around this too.

Service at church was great today! The message was so good...I was a bit distracted by some stuff, but what I heard was so good and so applicable to my life. It was about sin being "tolerated" and how that is wrong. I felt moved by it, I know that I have tolerated a lot of sin in my life, and I need to change that. Even just the little things...I will work harder at even noticing that they are there! The songs were so good today too! :)

There have been lots of thoughts in my head today, so I will probably go work on my collage now! Sometimes when I cant escape all of these thoughts the best thing for me to do is blog, and get some of them out, or turn on some good music and collage, and just not think those thoughts! :)


Love to each and every one of you who have encouraged me through this chapter of my life! It is VERY appreciated-I never expected the support I have received!
Maddi
xxx

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Ugh...

Heya! I have learned something...I eat when I am bored! :S NOT a good habit! I mean, yes, it is in a way since I am swimming so I need A LOT more, but I am eating a lot more than a lot more! :P Soooo, starting tomorrow I am cutting back, finding ways to NOT binge so much. And I look back and I am not necessarily guilty...I mean yes, i gained weight, but swimmers need some extra right??? I think I will be a better swimmer if I am above an 18 BMI!!! Seriously, I am not just trying to justify this weight gain! Ok, so maybe a little...but ya, tomorrow I am taking back control...and I also plan to loose a few pounds...I've just gained too much, too fast, and I am feeling WAY uncomfortable with it!

On to some other stuff! Friday after speech meet...I will talk about speech meet first! My sister and I were lucky enough to be in the same room, so that was awesome! And we BOTH got superior, which is the highest you can get and not many people do! I was soooo nervous, but my mom told me to pretend like I was talking to a huge crowd of people in WA D.C. and i didnt know any of them and i had to be convincing, and that actually helped! :) And....I didnt cry!! There was one line that especially makes me choke up, and I almost did, but I stopped and took a couple breaths and moved on and it was ok! Phew...:) After speech meet I had to go to the hospital and get my blood drawn for tests for that job. That was NOT cool. :/ I havent told them about my ED history, and I really dont plan too, even tho they asked specifically if there was/is any health issues. Um, I figured not right now at least, so its not relevant! thank goodness! Finally all that job stuff was done and dad, C and I headed over to Seattle. I had an appt. while C had a dance class thing. After we went to a Chinese restaurant that we LOVE. Its the only one in the states we will eat at because it is actually authentic! Still, it tastes better in China! ;) Then we went home, and it was a pretty late night. And the traffic was HORRIBLE on the way to the appt. because of a Mariners game! :/ Whatev...:)

This morning I had swimming, and o my gosh, it was SOOOO hard!!!!! Hardest workout ever! But I had had a good dinner the night before and a good breakfast! Then there were doughnuts that my coach brought after. Holy cow, my ED was having a fit, and I wasnt going to have one at first, but everyone else did, and I just said screw it and had one! And it wasnt bad!!!! Even tho my weight has jumped up like 5 pounds in the last couple days so I REALLY want to restrict, I know I should really be at a higher BMI to be able to expect to be a good swimmer...still working with bad body image things tho....:S

Then I went to my friends Kimberly's house! It was very fun, we paddle boated on the lake, and watched some fishers, and I got burned, :/, but at least it will turn into a tan! And then we watched a episode of a TV show and played scrabble! It was so fun to just chill with a friend! I borrowed some shorts, and I HATED seeing my legs, ick, but I know that I cant be a good swimmer and have sticks for legs. Darn! ;) Swimming is so awesome tho! So many people have said I am naturally gifted at it, and I guess I am because I have never done swim team in my life and I am up there with the other girls! Sure, I am still a little slower, but I am able to complete the sets! :D I LOVE IT!!!!

God is still a big part of my life. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.When my appearance or weight is all i can think of, I stop myself and remind myself that GOD is my god, not the scale or my body! :) Its hard, and its a constant battle, but i do have faith that with time, and with practise, the habit of thinking more of the true God then these false gods will be fixed in me. All relationships take time!

Well, I'm gonna go make my mom a mothers day card I think! Love to everyone!
Maddi
xxx

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Hi!

Ok, so this post will be a little different, but fun :) :

Hi, my name is Madeline, but I prefer to be called Maddi. And guess what?? I HAVE A LIFE!!!!! Yes, it is true. God has blessed me with so much, and I am going to live the life that was meant for me. Anorexia?? Yes, I have had a bit of a bout with that...but it is not my life. Rather, my life is my life! :)

Lets say this: Throughout the last year, I have learned a lot about a mental disorder called anorexia. Not just learned about it, but experienced it. But I have also learned a lot about myself throughout the year. A lot about who I am, and how capable I am. I have also learned a lot about God, and how capable he is of saving me. ME!!! A person I thought not deserving of such grace. A person I HATED! And now where am I??? I am on the other side of the fire...I went through the fire to reach God, he pulled me out of the fire.

Are ED thoughts still an issue? Yes...I admit they are. But are they ruling my life anymore?? NO! They cant! I am way too busy with other things, school, work, swimming, college. I cant even find time to fit ED in! There are still thoughts that I wish I could act on. i am still uncomfortable with my body. I still have body dismorphia. But I believe that will change in time. Besides, I dont have time to fuss so much over how I look! I know this: I will be a better worker, a better swimmer, a better diver, and a better student, if I let my body get to its optimum weight. Even if that weight is a number that is higher then I want, which obviously it is, I will be such a better person for it! So my new plan is this: to STOP counting calories, STOP weighing myself everyday, as if that is even accurate, and STOP looking at my thighs!!(sorry, but my thighs are the most DISLIKED part of me!). And that may seem impossible, but guess what? ITS NOT! Because two years ago I didnt do any of those things! And guess what?? I was PERFECT! My mom took me to a personal trainer who did a body fat comp and such, and she determined I was at the perfect weight and health for me! :) I CAN get back to that. I have NEVER been fat. EVER!!! And guess what??? I NEVER WILL BE!!!!!! (ok, so maybe when I am really old...although I doubt it because all the woman in the family have just gotten thinner as they have gotten older, lol) Life is MINE!

So, the reasons for this change in attitude, the reasons for this determination to give anorexia up, leave it behind, stomp it out, and maybe help people overcome it in the future, are many. One is God. I would not be here without His grace!! The Sunday before last I sat on the kitchen stool with a kitchen knife in my hand, not knowing what to do. But I am free from that. With various creative ways, the LORD helped me to see things as they are, he took the scales from my eyes, HE revealed Satan's lies as just that: LIES. I can now see the truth. I can now drink the truth. I now have a desire to spend time in God's word. I now have the desire to spread His word. I now have the desire to LIVE! God gave me Karli, the dear friend who has stayed by my side, even when I pushed her away. He has given me a mother who, regardless of my awful actions and words toward her, has never given up on me. God has given me a second chance. I prayed a couple years ago that God would make something difficult happen in my life that would bring me closer to Him: I prayed that because I felt no need for Him in my life, but at the same time I did want to know Him. But I didnt have a deep need for Him, so I prayed for one. And, God gave me the death of Jiang...And through that I believed Satans lies, about life and myself. And God pulled me through. He wouldnt have given me the hard task he set before me if he didnt believe I could make it through. As much as I hate that Jiang Liyun is gone, as much as I want to hold her and love her, I can thank God for bringing her into my life for such a short time. I can thank Him for giving me a reason to LOVE him and WANT to know Him.

I DO have a life now. I have the dream job! I want to be a doctor, what could be better then my FIRST real job being in the enviroment I dream of working in?? I am SO blessed to have gotten this job! Just seeing the patients, and blessing them by giving them a smile, or leaving a little note on their tray, is just such an exciting thing for me! :D I really cannot wait! My life is taking off, going in the direction I want it to! And I know there will be bumps along the way. Going through my ED has tought me that. But now I have GOD! So anything the world throws at me, even if its harder then the things I have been through in the past, I can get through! Because of Christs love for me, I can get through. To the end, to the other side of this life, to the eternity in heaven that i know I will have because of my love for my Father, and His love for me.

Another HUGE thing in my life is college!!! Only 16 and I am going to college! I CAN NOT WAIT! I will be taking some REALLY challenging classes, but I am up for it. I love to challenge myself in academics. not the past year granted, I have slacked off a ton, but I have an intense drive to succeed in college, then move on to finish my two years at Whitworth, then, if God wills, go to medical school! Are my dreams set on majoring in medicine?? Yes! But if my life takes me on another path I can handle that as well! While medicine is my hearts desire now, there are other things I find joy in, like athletics, and children. God has blessed me with many gifts which i can use in many areas of life!

And swimming! I have only gone two days, but it makes me feel so great! So happy with my body and my abilities! I have only been going two days in my life, some of these girls have gone for years, and I can keep up with them! :) I LOVE it! And my job may take some time from it, but once summer swim team starts it is in the morning so I wont have to worry about that! When i swim laps in the pool I just feel so in touch with myself. its hard to explain, but it is great!

God has given me the ability to be caring, the ability to be strong, and the ability to love. And He is my ROCK, my FORTRESS, and my DELIVERER! In the past year, I have learned that a life without Him is a life that I cannot live. It is a life that ultimately ends with destruction. By His grace alone, I am no longer living that life. i am living life for Him.
Maddi
xxx

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I got it!!!

I got the job at the hospital!!!! WHOOOOOT!!!! I just found out today, they called while I was at a college meeting! I am SOOOO excited, my life is coming together!!! And on Monday and Tuesday I have a two day orientation thing, so I have to miss school. Lame, but it finishes in tiime for me to go to swimteam, so its all good! Well, I need to go work on my speech because it is due tomorrow for a grade(I just found that out today, grrr). Haha, last post was long and this one is super quick! Well, I am happy! :)
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I have so much to say!


All of these are pics from my last trip to Seattle except the last one-that is the MAX that my dad and I traveled through Portland on during the Vancouver trip! :)

Anyway, i dont know where to start! What I DO know tho is that my life has definitely changed for the better since Friday! :)
Lets see...so Friday i was still SOOO out of it...I had hardly had anything to eat, plus a lot of walking. We stayed at the Camlin hotel Thursday night, I LOVE that hotel! I stayed up way late watching Iron Chef on Food network, that is such an amazing show, I dont know how they do it, its crazy! The next morning I walked to the Starbucks and had black coffee and a yogurt parfait. Yum...Then it was off to my appt. i had already had one on Thursday, but i got another, and it was a double, so my mom went first and ended up taking like the entire time! :/ but that was ok.. Anyway, my T called me in and they told me i could start swimteam!!!! Omg, I was SOOOO happy! :D I had wanted to, and my mom seemed so...idk, she just didnt seem open to it, which is part of why I was loosing weight again, because i didnt have a reason to not. So I was thrilled! Then later I made the hardest but best decision! We had to wait around for another appt., so we went and hung out in Kirkland. I got a adorable top in a little boutique there btw, and it was super cheap! Anyway, my mom went to a Taco Del Mar for lunch and ordered a big fish taco to share with Naomi. Well, for the longest time there was a war in my head, my ED soooo didnt want me to eat, but i knew i had to if I wanted to start swimming asap, so i beat the devil, and had a little of the burrito! Ya, it wasnt much, but it was a start! Then later i got Ben and Jerry's ice cream! Omg, best flavor EVER! It was cinnamon ice cream with oatmeal cookie and chocolate chips in it! i about died! :)
Saturday was a fun day, I ate a lot so i could be a little closer to a healthy weight for swim team. I am a good ten pounds under, so even tho I am swimming, I am trying to beat ED and gain the weight. I know it would only make me a better swimmer...but still, i feel so fat in some places...I dont look in the mirror when I am in my swimsuit, :/. Ok, so Saturday we watched the big parade, and that was really good this year! Then i had the most fantastic skype convo with Scott, and that was so fun, and just really helped too, because I had been feeling soooo lonely, for a few reasons I wont go into. It was really fun talking tho, we got on some weird subjects, like talking about gerbils and hamsters...lol.
Sunday was awful...and I wont write much about it because I am still so sad, but a lady who was really close to the Poages, and who I knew, died of cancer Sunday morning and I found out during church when i saw karli crying and it was so sad, I had to leave in the middle of service and went and just cried hard. It is soo hard...it brings back the pain from when Jiang died. I worked on my collage a lot that night, I couldnt concentrate on anything else...and I had a good talk with Mary(finally!) and we talked and cried and talked about death, and how satan will use anything to make us believe his lies...it was helpful talking to her. My heart still hurts when I think of this lady, Holly, I dont know why, death is a good thing, she is in heaven now, but she left behind two little children and a husband, and so many people who knew and loved her...but I know she is free from her suffering now, and like Jiang, i will someday see her in heaven...
Monday and today have been pretty dandy! I have absolutely LOVED swimteam! And I think I am even eating enough to maintain, which i was really nervous about being able to do! :) the girls on the team are all REALLY nice, a couple of them I even know from my old church, so that is fun! And today i shared a lane with two other girls, Anne and Paige(i think thats her name?) and they were really nice! Also, I have been able to keep up really well! Like this girl Anna has been swimming forever, and she was a bit faster then me but I was able to get as much done as her because i wasnt far behind!!! And the coach, not Darcy, but like a sub, was so nice and said I had a beautiful freestyle and backstroke! yay!!!! :D I love it so much, i cant wait till Thursday to get back in! And hopefully the real coach will be there!
Today i had a job interview for that hospital job i really want. i think it went well, but they told me they have lots of applicants, so i am not sure. But I think my hard physical work in orchards history plus knowing Karli was a plus. Keeping my fingers crossed!
One last thing is speech meet is this Friday!! Ahhh, I hate speech meet! last year was awful, my speech was about adoption and it was only a day after we found out about my little sis so I cried through the whole speech! :( It was so bad, but the judges were so understanding and I still got the excellent award. Anyway, i am doing the same speech, only adjusted a little since now we have Naomi, and I really just hope i dont break down and cry...I think i can contain it tho...
OK, just ONE more thing. I have LOVED working on my collage! i dont have a lot of time to do it, but I make time to usually put at least one thing in a day. It helps so much to just turn on some good music and work on it when I am feeling lonely or sad. I fill it with pretty pictures and scripture verses that mean a lot to me, and some quotes and such, and sometimes just little thoughts. It has been so great, such an encouraging, uplifting, thing to do! :)
I hope you are all well! I really do, i hope everyone who is struggling with an ED can make it through this. I'm not out of it yet, but I do have faith that the other side is worth fighting for! Love you all!
Maddi
xxx

Monday, May 3, 2010

New THING!!!! :D :P

Ahhhh!!! First day of swim team tonight at 5:30!!! Gosh, I am SOOO nervous, i dont know if i have eaten enough, ED is telling me I have but I have no clue! Anyway, i am also excited! I will post longer later, hopefully tonight, I have just been SOOOOO extremely busy, among other things, but i havent left for good! AAHhhh, I just hope swimming goes well!