Ugh...

Heya! I have learned something...I eat when I am bored! :S NOT a good habit! I mean, yes, it is in a way since I am swimming so I need A LOT more, but I am eating a lot more than a lot more! :P Soooo, starting tomorrow I am cutting back, finding ways to NOT binge so much. And I look back and I am not necessarily guilty...I mean yes, i gained weight, but swimmers need some extra right??? I think I will be a better swimmer if I am above an 18 BMI!!! Seriously, I am not just trying to justify this weight gain! Ok, so maybe a little...but ya, tomorrow I am taking back control...and I also plan to loose a few pounds...I've just gained too much, too fast, and I am feeling WAY uncomfortable with it!

On to some other stuff! Friday after speech meet...I will talk about speech meet first! My sister and I were lucky enough to be in the same room, so that was awesome! And we BOTH got superior, which is the highest you can get and not many people do! I was soooo nervous, but my mom told me to pretend like I was talking to a huge crowd of people in WA D.C. and i didnt know any of them and i had to be convincing, and that actually helped! :) And....I didnt cry!! There was one line that especially makes me choke up, and I almost did, but I stopped and took a couple breaths and moved on and it was ok! Phew...:) After speech meet I had to go to the hospital and get my blood drawn for tests for that job. That was NOT cool. :/ I havent told them about my ED history, and I really dont plan too, even tho they asked specifically if there was/is any health issues. Um, I figured not right now at least, so its not relevant! thank goodness! Finally all that job stuff was done and dad, C and I headed over to Seattle. I had an appt. while C had a dance class thing. After we went to a Chinese restaurant that we LOVE. Its the only one in the states we will eat at because it is actually authentic! Still, it tastes better in China! ;) Then we went home, and it was a pretty late night. And the traffic was HORRIBLE on the way to the appt. because of a Mariners game! :/ Whatev...:)

This morning I had swimming, and o my gosh, it was SOOOO hard!!!!! Hardest workout ever! But I had had a good dinner the night before and a good breakfast! Then there were doughnuts that my coach brought after. Holy cow, my ED was having a fit, and I wasnt going to have one at first, but everyone else did, and I just said screw it and had one! And it wasnt bad!!!! Even tho my weight has jumped up like 5 pounds in the last couple days so I REALLY want to restrict, I know I should really be at a higher BMI to be able to expect to be a good swimmer...still working with bad body image things tho....:S

Then I went to my friends Kimberly's house! It was very fun, we paddle boated on the lake, and watched some fishers, and I got burned, :/, but at least it will turn into a tan! And then we watched a episode of a TV show and played scrabble! It was so fun to just chill with a friend! I borrowed some shorts, and I HATED seeing my legs, ick, but I know that I cant be a good swimmer and have sticks for legs. Darn! ;) Swimming is so awesome tho! So many people have said I am naturally gifted at it, and I guess I am because I have never done swim team in my life and I am up there with the other girls! Sure, I am still a little slower, but I am able to complete the sets! :D I LOVE IT!!!!

God is still a big part of my life. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that.When my appearance or weight is all i can think of, I stop myself and remind myself that GOD is my god, not the scale or my body! :) Its hard, and its a constant battle, but i do have faith that with time, and with practise, the habit of thinking more of the true God then these false gods will be fixed in me. All relationships take time!

Well, I'm gonna go make my mom a mothers day card I think! Love to everyone!
Maddi
xxx