Sunday, February 28, 2010

A sunny Sunday!

Today has been completely uneventful, and I really dont have much to say. Woke up, went thru the usual morning routine, and went to church wearing one of the new tops I bought yesterday. I have been feeling quite large today, which doesnt really make sense since i havent gained weight. It would be impossible since i only had around 1000 cals yesterday. I was telling that to Mary yesterday and she was like EAT!! But i explained that it is hard when you have to eat out every meal, and I guess that maybe Friday scared me, so I was maybe restricting a bit. Buut, I dont want to slip, and I have set like a bottom weight that i cant drop below, and if I do, I have to gain to get back up to it immediately. It may not be an ideal weight but it is a lot better than where i was. For lunch i just had plain oatmeal with a tbsp of nutella and a few peanuts on top, and i want an apple but we dont have any. :/ The rest of the day is just going to be working on hw. Then we are going to the Milners for dinner, and the Cooks will be there too, and I am really getting anxious about that because the dinner is like pasta, already prepared with like gobs of cheese, which equals gobs of fat to me. :/ And I am scared to have Abbi see how much or little I eat, and I am scared that if she doesnt eat much it will totally trigger my ed. *sigh*
Why that has to be such a big deal I dont know. I should just try to enjoy myself, and keep my lunch smaller so that i wont worry. I should be looking at Abbi and be trying to eat more then her! But the problem is my Ed wont let me...he is awfully strong today, idk why. Another thing is KArli inboxed me on FB which TOTALLY surprised me, i didnt expect to hear from her, and of course i didnt want to try to contact her for fear of being shut out...So we are going to take a walk or go to coffee sometime, so we can talk, and i can ask her that question about how i used to be. I should go...Maybe, even tho i have a ton of HW, i will take a walk since it is so nice and sunny outside. A complete surprise since it was dreadfully cloudy this morning.
~I believe that my friends wont forget me as long as I dont forget them.
Maddi
xxx

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Home.

So, wow, I have a lot to say so I should just start at the very beginning. Lets see... Friday first. My T app. was moved to 4:15 pm rather than 9:45, which was really nice because then we didnt have to leave so early in the morning. We ended up leaving at about, idk, probly 9:15 ish. At first it was just going to be me, my mom, and C, and C was coming because she had her dance audition Sat. but we also ended up taking this kid named Corbin. He is C's age and super cute and funny, and his mom surprisingly let him come and spend the night with us over there because she was busy Sat. so she couldnt take him to try out. I was a little unsure about him coming, because i wanted to be able to talk to C because I never do, but it was nice for her to have someone, and mom and I got some good time together in, so in the end i was actually pretty happy that he came. He is so funny! :0) And also a really good dancer, even tho he has only done it for a year.It was snowing on Bluet(sp?) Pass, and I took a pic. It was really pretty, I havent driven over the mountains while it was snowing since a gymnastics meet a long time ago. And it wasnt snowing to the point of the roads being really scary, so I actually liked it. ;) We got to the first app. in Bellevue a little early.
This app. was with a psychologist or psychiatrist, I cant remember which, and I was a bit nervous since I have never been to an app. like that. The guys name was Dr. Suh. It was actually a great app. and I am so glad my T recommended going. He just asked me lots of questions, but not in a scary drill kind of way, and it was really easy to understand. Then he explained to my mom and I that I am just a really passionate person. passion=suffer, so he told me I just suffer a lot for others, which is so true, and i just feel things more deeply. Like, he said I really have a passionate heart, and so when it is broken, it just hurts so much more then like the average person who would just move on like whatever, its just life.
I cant say how much better i felt after that. Like, I am finally getting an idea of who I am. Before this, i just thought i was a screw up and i didnt know who i was or why i was feeling so out of it, and so different, and i just wasnt able to see who i am, and what i am really like. It also helped me to understand that even with the Thur. incident with the whole selfish thing, it was just because i am so intune, and so focused on NOT being selfish, that when someone told me i was, i believed it completely and it tore me because thats something i just so do not want to be!!!
the other thing is he suggested slowly coming off of Prosac, and then we'll take it from there. I hardly take any at all, so he thinks in about two weeks i could be off it. I want to see what i am like without drugs, because since i can remember, like from 2nd grade, i have been on them, so i want to know what i am like without them. if its bad i am willing to go back on.
After that app. we went to Pikes Place. It was rainy, as opposed to last weekend when it was brilliantly sunny, but that was alright. I had a veggie yeero w/ hummus for lunch, no pic tho, and then i bought Mary her b-day present(finally!) I bought her a little card holder from like Indonesia, and a really cute coinpurse. :) Also at the same place my mom bought me a little silver wish stone, thingy, that says 'passion' in english on one side, and chinese on the other. How appropriate! :) After that Corbin and my mom each bought a crumpet at The Crumpet Shop, C had already had one before lunch. Then C wanted icecream, so we bought her some, and i saw a flavor called Honey Lavender, so i asked for a sample because that just sounded so different. It was DELICIOUS!! So of course i got a scoop, and thoroughly enjoyed it! My ed was totally telling me I shouldnt have had it, because i had a large dinner coming, and i had already had a plenty large breakfast that morning, but i told it to go jump off a bridge because i LOVED that flavor, and me, Maddi, really wanted some!!! Haha, that was kind of fun, to just show my ed, even if it was just that once, that i can tell it off and it DOES NOT have complete control over my food decisions!! :) The Public Market! Love that place so muuuuch! The most unique icecream flavor i have ever had: Honey Lavender. So good, i am definitely going to get it the next time i am there!
After that we drove to the Camlin and dropped off Clarissa and Corbin, and went to my T app. It was a bit lame bc my mom decided randomly that she too wanted to have time so she went first and used up more than half the time!!I was like what the frick?!?! Urgh, but it I ended up having enough time, although i would have loved to have more. I told her about my previous week, and the major ups and downs in weight and emotion. It felt good to get it out of me, to someone who really cares and listens!!
O yes, prior to this app. I chatted with Mary on the phone for a while. That was great, we had a really good chat, and i asked her what i should do about the Poages. She said i shouldnt apologize to Jaymie, Jay seriously doesnt deserve it. I was a little unsure but then I told Dr. K about it and she agreed too. She also had some very good reasons why. Then she suggested i just go and ask karli what i was like during dive season. I honestly dont remember...i was so sick...and just really not there. I thought that was a good idea, and i totally felt comfortable with that, until i got home and got on FB and went on Karli's page and saw that a post i had left a couple days ago that read, "how are you friend?" had been deleted by her!!!! LIke omg, I guess she doesnt want me calling her my friend!! So i guess those relationships are over...which disappointments me, but my T said(about Jay at this point, but now i can apply it to karli) that if they are treating me like that, they dont deserve to be friends with me. That is a good way at looking at it. The rest of my talk with Mary was good, i pretty much talked with her until i entered the office,:).
The other thing my T and i talked about was just how i am ignored and treated like dirt by the girls in my class, and she said i should come up with some comebacks to show that i am not as vulnerable as they think. I am so afraid to be mean, but she convinced me that i cant just let myself get 'beat up' like this, so i am going to try on Monday to take a stand. The next time someone hears me but doesnt want me to be a part of the convo says, 'What, did you say something?', i am going to say 'ya, i was saying that i forgot butts dont have ears." ok, so maybe not, i cant picture myself saying something like that to someones face, but, lol, maybe i should. Haha, idk, probs not.
After that we went to my fave resteraunt, Taste of India, and had a fab dinner. They are so nice there, they must have recognized me, even tho its been a while. They gave us each a free cup of chai while we were waiting outside, then they gave us two little appetizer plates while we were waiting, then when we were seated and waiting for our meals to come they gave us a third but bigger appetizer plate. Also they gave us a AMAZING piece of cheesecake afters. Unfortunately i am not very good at remembering to take photos of food yet, so there is no pic of that. I ordered tikka masala, with veggies, and it goes over basami rice. So Sos sosososo sooooo good!!! Oh, yeah, and i also ordered chai, which is bottomless, they put more in your mugg even if its not even half gone!! :) Well, I ate WAY to much. This picture doesnt make it look as appealing as it really was! I blame that on the bad lighting, :) And thats what was left of it. All the good veggies are gone, and the rice is on another plate.

When we got to the Camlin i went ahead of everyone else and threw up in the bathroom. I didnt want to , honestly!!! I hate throwing up, i was actually just going to go to the bathroom, and i felt it coming, so i just puked a lot, right there. It sucked. :/ I absolutely hate doing that! Like, i dont feel like i have a problem, like bulimic, because i dont purposely stuff myself then throw up on purpose. I guess my stomach just really couldnt handle that much food, it was a quite a bit more then i am used too...Well, after that un-enjoyable incident, i went swimming for a while, then when the pool closed at 11 i watched some olympics. That was neat, my last day to watch them since we dont have TV. I fell asleep after 12. :)
The next day we went The Crumpet Shop and I had a crumpet with nothing but blackberry reserves, which was yummy, but i forgot my cam, so no pic, haha. I also had a small mug of black coffee. Ya, an ed thing, but I DO like it, so its not just about the virtually no calories. Then we walked back and while the two C's, haha, got ready my mom and I went shopping!!! YA!! it was awesome, i went to American Eagle and bought 4 new tops and a skirt and 2 pairs of shorts. For spring obviously, so I cant wear them yet. That was so fun to buy new clothes, i feel like i have had the same summer clothes for the past few years, and, well, its kinda true. I was also happy bc the x-smalls still fit me! I was so afraid i wouldnt fit into them...an ED thought for sure, but that even made me, Maddi, happy because i am such a perfectionist, and perfect, to me, is small. Urgh, no that is still an ED thought. Bleh, whatever, point is, i got some really cute clothes and i am really happy with my purchases! I am hoping to wear one of my new tops to church tomorrow. :) After that fun escapade we went back to Bellevue where the dance thing was. its funny bc my T's daughter, Stevie, is also a dancer and has gone to that summer camp a couple times. Clarissa said after the thing that she was REAlLY good, like one of the best.
During the dance thing, my mom and i went to Starbucks with Miriam, the lady from the adoption agency who had matched my parents with Naomi. They had never met in person, just talked over the phone. At starbucks i tried the perfect oatmeal for the first time. It was tasty!!!!! Not like amazing, but i like the toppings a whole lot. That was my lunch, along with a mug of black coffee. yummers!

Meeting with Miriam was neat. She quit her job with Faith International, and told us the new news that tomorrow is the first day open for the new agency that she started!! AWESOME!!!! It is called Agape Adoptions. "Agape" litterally means like,'parental love' or something, so i think its more than perfect. I asked her if she had a logo, and she said no, she hasnt figured out anything for that yet, so i offered to design one. She seemed thrilled. I already have some ideas in my head, and i cant wait to put them onto paper!!! I love that i now have a productive way to use my art.
I love being artistic, and im always trying to find a way to be that. Currently i am working on a couple bracelets, i finished one, the next i probly wont do till Monday since hw comes first, but who knows. Also i am doing an awesome disney character collage for Mary, just for fun. But that all has to wait because i have to make a 'cartoon' about the Odyssey, which is due Monday. My mom thankfully said i could work on it during church, since it is just drawing, so i can still listen. :) Good way to save time. After that we picked up the C's, :), and started our drive home. We went over Stevens pass tho, so unfortunately no stopping at TJ's. :( O well, next time. Everyone got something at McD's for dinner, but i passed, wanting to wait for a Subway. Well, I had to wait till Leavenworth, but the wait was well worth it as i enjoyed a superb veggie delight.
I dont think i have left anything noteworthy out, but i just wrote a book. ;) O well. I did text Mary a lot during the ride. poor thing was stuck at a not so fun b-day party, so i kept her company. :p Haha, it was nice talking, even tho just through texts. I must be off tho, i should atleast do one HW thing before bed, or else i will have a major load tomorow. I hate hw over the weekends. Whatevers, good night!!
Maddi
xxx
P.S.
Some scones my sis made, that i had earlier this week. Tasty tasty, i havent had a scone in ages so it was a treat! Also, to you peoples who are following my blog, thanks a ton, and i love you! xoxoxo

Hello from Seattle!

Ya, so I'm in Seattle right now! Did I post yesterday?? I dont think so...haha, I cant remember...:) Anyhoo, this weekend has been prettyyy A-Okay. I had two appointments yesterday, one with a phsycologist or phsychiatrist. idk which??? And then one with my T. So when I get home tonight i will write about it all but we are checking out of the Hotel right now! Got to go, cant wait to share about the weekends events tho! And some yummy food! :)
Maddi
xxx

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Quick

I have to make todays post quick because i have drivers ed really soon. :/ And no pics because my bro is on the main cp, so im on my moms.
Today has been, well, i just want to die. i kno, that sounds awful and all, but i am so selfish....School was going alright up until art when a girl said something about me that i did last year. She was telling the other students, right in front of me, how i had said something really rude and selfish to her and her sister one day after school! It was so mean, i just wanted to go cry. And i realize it is true. I was at my worst then...lowest weight, and it wasnt me, it was my ed that was so selfish...but now that is the impression everyone has of me. i want to start life over. I have two more years till i can start fresh and meet new people who dont know my history, and cant judge me by it. I was so happy to know that this girl, Jaymie, and her sis, Karli, were "friends" but they cant be. Who would want to be friends with me??? I am so blind to how i act...Every mean thing my dad has ever said to me about how i dont care about anyone is true. And i know i can change that, that isnt the problem, the problem is now no one i know will take the chance to know me, because i probably already scared them off. :( It makes me so depressed...All i want to do is go curl up in a ball and die.. No wonder i feel so alone, and i dont have any friends...I have been so caught up in myself that i treated them all bad.
What puzzles me is why couldnt i see it?? Was it because that was how i was being treated?? Or did i just always feel so bad about myself, even before my ed, that the only way i knew how to protect the true me was to "alienate" myself?? I just dont know. I have no answers, only questions...And the thought to lose weight wont leave my mind, but then i think, doing that would be soo selfish. The last thing i want to be is selfish. I think that is why J's comment today hurt so bad, so deep, because selfish is the worst thing on my list of bads, and i just got shown that selfish is what i am! My heart is literally breaking it feels like...
I'm so afraid now to go to anyone. If i do i am being selfish. its fine here in blogworld if people choose to support me, that is 100% their choice, and i am grateful for that, but now i dont want to go to anyone. I dont deserve it, i have been selfish for my whole life, noone should give me anything, least of all attention and help. I just need to die so i wont be anyones problem.
Another thing is I have lost myself. It scares me...It makes my heart hurt too. I was reading another blog, this girl "seeking" for her life. I dont know who i am anymore. I feel like an empty shell, and my body used to display that....Now that it doesnt tho, i feel like a stranger in my body, because i feel so lost, but my body doesnt look lost...I think that is part of why its so hard for me to let go of my sick body. Its so hard to be at a healthy weight, because, well, my mind isnt healthy at all...I think that is part of why eating is so hard. I like feeling physically empty because that is how my soul feels. God is the only one who can possibly help me now i feel. I dont want to talk to anyone...I dont want to ask for help...I am so wretchedly selfish....the most selfish thing to do would be to leave this world, that is the biggest act of selfishness, but if i am so deep in it and there is no coming out, why not end it?? But i want to save peoples lives. I want to be a missionary surgeon. Its just these two + years at home that i have to refrain from doing the most selfish thing possible.
i decided after every blog post i will write something i believe. even if at the time i dont really. Aand i dont have time to post about food, i need to go now.
I believe that.....*sigh*......that, crap i cant think of anything....
Maddi
xxx

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

BELIEVE

Okay, so this is weird, two posts within a short time, but i cant not write this. I changed my mind. Like, in my last post i had changed my eating, I was eating, but now i changed my mind. I walked into my room, and was feeling bored and out of place, and i laid down on my floor. I was just laying there, thinking of what to do, and then i remembered i was going to make bracelets for Maya and Eliza. And i was just thinking and their bracelets are going to say "believe" and all of a sudden i thougt, Sh**! I'm not believing! Im not believing in anything! no wonder i dont want to eat...Not wanting to eat is like wanting to die. Like a suicidal person who really doesnt want to die, they just want help, they just want out of their cage. I just want help. And I really think the reason i couldnt bring myself to eat was because i wasnt believing. In anything! At all!!! Like, how can a person live without believing in a new day, and new chances, and better things?? I realize that is hard for me to have hope that things will get better....things dont go very well. My life just kind of sucks right now, im not going to lie. But why not believe in the little things to get me through this hard time??? Why not?? I only have to live here for two more years then i can go to college, and start a "new" life. I have to believe in the little things that make me happy, because even tho they pale in comparison to what i really need, really really need, at least they can help me to get through every day without those needs being met. They probably never will be met. My situation just wont allow for it. but why give up in EVERYTHING?!?! Because if i give up in everything, well, then i might as well kill myself.
I believe i am better then that! Even tho life might suggest otherwise, I BELIEVE that I can change. I will go on, I will start my own life. I want to be a heart surgeon. A heart surgeon!!!! I want to give all the love that i can, i want to save all the lives that i can. If I dont believe, well, i might as well give up on the dream of being a heart surgeon, who saves lives, and not only saves lives but also brings people to Christ.
Like a few days ago someone posted about believing. I guess i was so far...from wanting to believe, that i just didnt pay attention to it. But what the heck?!?! My life here, right now, its just a small portion! So what if the first 18 yrs of my life arent what i want them to be?? The rest of my life i can follow my dreams, and the path that God has for me. I just need to let go is all. Let go of these harmful desires that really arent me. They are desires of anorexia. not me! not Maddi!
Some times, like even now, i think, well why get better right now? I think what is the point? Like, why dont i just stay sick, then when i go to college get better? But i know those questions are just my ed trying to hurt me. I wish those thoughts would go away. They make me so miserable. but I need to believe that someday they will leave. Every time i fight against a relapse I grow stronger and my ed grows weaker. That is why i must recover now. With ed there is no later. later is dead... Now is my only option. While i have support, little as is might be, i can be thankful that i have any at all. if i wait till i move out of the house, I wont have any support. i will be alone, and i am sure i wouldnt make it. I need to believe that as i get stronger, my ed gets weaker.
i am not happy right now. just because i had this "revelation" does not make me happier, or any more comfortable with my self, but at least i have the courage to stand up again, and to fight. What if i hadnt thought of those bracelets??? I wonder, it must be a God thing...
I BELIEVE:
~that I can only succeed in school and become a surgeon if i am healthy so that my brain will work well
~that things might be bad now, but i have my whole life ahead of me
~that this disease, horrible as it is, will be looked back on in the future as the thing that saved me, even tho i dont know how right now
~that the few friends i do have truly do love me. I cant stop believing that. I cant let myself, even tho it is so hard not to on the days i feel alone
~that God is my true father. The emptiness that man might leave, and have left with me can be filled by the fact that He is my father.
~that in order to be a great diver and gymnast, i must be healthy and strong. On the days i dont have any hope, those things dont even matter to me, but i must believe that the choice i make about their importance now will effect the path of my life. A diving scholarship is possible, but only if i believe and shoot for it as a goal.
~that happiness, even if i cant EVER find it in this world, will be eternal if i have faith in God
~that ed thoughts wont haunt me forever.
~that i will get past this disease, and move forward.
I believe all these things and so much more!
I believe that love is VERY important, and I know how it is to not be loved, so i want to dedicate my life to loving others.
I believe that through my recovery, and my story, I can save lives. I have to believe that in some way, whether its through teaching, surgery, ministry, or writing, i will save peoples lives and souls. It is not about me. My struggles sometimes strangle me, they threaten to suck the life out of me. but I believe i have the power, through Christ who strengthens me, to push past the hard, day by day, and find the light, and share the light when it is found.
I also need to pay more attention to the things i love. I am so focused on what i need, but even tho it is a need, since it is not being met, i should move on. I should enjoy the little things in life. I should be more positive. practice makes perfect. lately i have been so...so...depressed i guess, that i havent enjoyed the little gifts that every day gives. I love so many things, it would take me forever to list them out. When i am down, i should look at the things i love more.
Why am i still having these thoughts to lose weight?? Its because my ed is still here. In the past i have just relapsed because it wont go away. But when i relapse it just comes back stronger. To recover, i need to keep fighting, even when the thoughts exhaust me, even when i want nothing more but to give up. I believe i can beat this, i have to or there is no point in trying. *sigh*
That was a lot. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically not so much because i have eaten so much. now I am trying to gain weight so I can go back to gymnastics next week. *sigh* Wow. Okay, goodnight i guess.
Maddi
xxx

New day...new thoughts....

Sooo, where to start? I guess with last night. I had a test in drivers ed, which i passed, thank goodness, then i also had a drive at 8 this morning, and that went well. Yay. So last night Naomi woke up with her covers off, so i woke up and covered her then i couldnt get back to sleep. So i layed there, then i layed there some more, and i finally talked myself into eating just a little bit so my hunger wouldnt keep me awake. Well, that little bit turned into a big bit, i dont know why, it just clicked in my head that i needed to stop losing weight because that equals no gymnastics, no puppy, and no life. I didnt exactly bring my weight up since you cant gain that fast, but i kept it from dropping, and i suppose it did go up, just a little. I cant believe i ate so much tho. I still really didnt want to...like, my mind is so not in the right place, even tho i am eating now. :/ Lets see, not counting the cereal at 4 am, i have probly had roughly 1300 cals today...and i am so done eating. :P I feel stuffed. I am not going to eat dinner, and thankfully it is something i dont like so my mom wont get all nasty to me. She is making mac n cheese casserole. Yuck! I do not like dairy products!!!
My new plan as far as weight goes is to try and maintain, aka, lose weight slowly. Whenever i just try to maintain i still usually lose weight...I have to eat basically a weight gain diet to maintain, a bit less tho. I hate eating that much, i feel so fat and full and icky. 2,300 cals is plenty! i wish i didnt have to eat any more to maintain. :p So ya, i am going to "maintain" through the weekend, which is good because that way i dont have to miss out on food at Pikes Place, like the delish veggie yeero. Then next week i will go back on a weight loss plan...which i know is awful...But i could lose five lbs by Friday...then maintain for a weekend, then lose 5, then maintain...I'm desperately in need of a shove in the opposite direction. Like, my parents have been really absent, and Mary is doing everything she can to help, but its hard from so far away, and karli, well, i havent heard from her in days, even tho i gave her a nice note the other day... Maybe she took that as thinking i was ok and i dont need her right now. Gosh, its the complete opposite...*sigh* I feel pretty hopeless, like i would much rather be trying to lose weight right now rather then maintaining...Perhaps if i go on another walk i wont feel so full. my head is swimming.
Ya, so after school i went for a walk as i was texting Mary, and i guess i just kind of wandered and took random turns and ended up blocks away from home in a neighborhood i had never walked through...It was really random, then as i was walking i saw this house and the back yard, and i recognized it as the house where me and Amy had a fight. We were like five, and we were there because of a bible study thing, and there was this cool car thing, idk how to explain it, but anyway it was really fun until we started fighting about whose turn it was...I remember that so clearly, its like a video in my head. The memory was sweet but it made me sad at the same time. Bittersweet. Anyhoo, i walked home, and made myself a snack after a long time not knowing what to make. I made oatmeal and stirred in a graham cracker and a tbsp of nutella butter, and that was yummy, then i had some dry kashi cereal with another tbsp of Nutella. I shouldnt have had that second thing, idk, i guess i was craving something with crunch. :/
I felt out of place at school again today, i felt so good Mon. and Tues. because i was loosing weight, but that is just a lie my ed is telling me. I am believing it too, which makes me sad because its like i dont know how to stop believing it right now. I just didnt feel like myself, i wanted that sick body back...i wanted it so bad, i still right now want it so bad....I'm hanging on to the edge of this cliff by a pinky finger. Urgh, im going to go walk i think...just walk...anywhere...just to get out and clear up my mind a little and make myself feel not so lowsy...
Heres a few eats then i am off.
my oatmeal creation. Smores inspired. Tasty, i loved how the nutella melted so could be stirred in. Sad i didnt really enjoy it because it was, well, food. :(
Strawberrie smoothie breakfast. Some frozen strawberried blended w/ some icecubes. It wasnt that great, and too cold for a rainy day. I guess i wasnt thinking about that when i made it...
not a very nice pic, but i love this sweater from my uncle. i wear it all the time, so warm. :)
Last nights dinner. Pathetic, i know...but i couldnt do it. An apple was all i could do...
Tomorrow i already want to eat less. I have barely made the minimum today(im not counting the cereal) but it feels like so so much. I hate it all. I hate it i hate it i hate it! I hate anorexia because it is making me hate food! I HATE it!! And im gonna go....buh-bye.
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Wanting and not wanting....

I want to eat but I dont want to eat. Well, really i dont want to eat, but i dont really like this weak feeling. Weak to some extent is good, because its like a sign that i am losing weight, but being this just wanting to lay down and die weak for 5 days straight is not so enjoyable. But i just cant bring myself to eat. I like, really need some help. I've had less than 400 cals today, yet I cant make myself eat more. All I had for snack today was a quarter of a Larabar, then the rest of it for lunch, then half a z-bar for afternoon snack. I cant bring myself to eat anything!!! How long can I go on like this?? Before i give in, or pass out, or do something not good. I dont know why. I guess the whole week last week scared the crap out of me, and i was afraid that i would become fat. because i wasnt starving myself, i turned to bingeing as a way to comfort myself. Only i wasnt purging, because i cant stand doing that, so i would just get fat if i continued with that. It just scared me so bad. I HAVE to have something to keep my mind from the pain, and i have turned to food, and i guess i would much rather be underweight then overweight. I know that last week that weight wasnt even a real weight, and even if it was, it was only one pound over where the docs want me to be, but i felt HUGE!! I just cant live in the inbetween i guess, so i would rather be on the lower side.
Another thing was when we went to Pikes Place I just felt so empty, so unseen. There were so many people...I needed to be different. I wanted to be sick thin so badly in that moment that i was thinking about it, and that desire is still with me. I didnt feel pretty, i didnt have a reason for people to look at me or acknowledge my presence. I think this need to be noticed stems from all the years that i have been neglected, all the years i have been abused and unseen. And i still feel that way a lot. i know i shouldnt, circumstances are better, but some things just affect you for the rest of your life. I wish i could escape from this life so badly. i wish i could live with the Poages, and erase my memory of all the bad, and make a fresh start, and be with them because they are so, idk, perfect for me. I want them to adopt me. Them or the Harkens. I shouldnt want a different family...but i do.... It may not make a huge difference, but for once i want to feel loved, everyday, by a mom and a dad, and sisters....I want that life, but since i cant have it, i am looking to my ed to keep me from, well, idk, going crazy, running, dying, whatever. I am just so stuck. So stuck....so stinking stuck.
Today jaymie and me were talking about diving, and idk, that made me really anxious because i know i could win state if i gained weight, and i am so afraid to let Fila down because he so believes in me. I have such an immense pressure to not let him down, i feel like thats all i ever do to anyone, so it made me super anxious talking about it because what will he think when he sees that in a year i have gotten even worse and not better?!?! Ah, its still a while in the future, but at this point i cant see myself being better. But where do I see myself being??? Dead? In a hospital bed?? In IP?? Living with a family that can handle me?? Where will I be? Will i even care? What is going to make me care? At this point i dont care, i dont care if i cant dive. The only thing that makes me anxious is the fact i would be letting Fila down. but even that...i am going to let people down, i already let him down last season...So who cares? Right now i dont. How can i change that?? I have been reading my bible every morning, and trying to go to God, but it seems like He isnt hearing!! I am so willing to give up on a relationship with him, which i know i cant do. But i have been forced to let go so many times, it would be easy. I am holding on to the hope that He IS there, and he does love me, and he will never stop loving me. it becomes habit, i suppose, to be skeptical, and to not trust, or give my heart to anyone. Wow, these are quite some thoughts i am having....*sigh* Well, I guess I am a bit drained of what to say now...And i must do my homework now. Heres some eats, from yesterday and today.
My lunch and snack. yummy larabar! First time ever to have one, very good i must say! Smell amaze too, and i like the saying thingy on the wrapper. ^ :) Haha,"eat by" date is my little bros b-day! :) Funny...;p
Peaches and Cream instant oatmeal. I dont like the instant stuff very much...Had this yesterday as dinner. Probly my least fave of the flavors, but its all we had left. Whatevers....:/ Pretty tho, and i loooove this bowl. I almost always have my oattie in it, that is until i get the new bowl i made in Lake Chelan!! Cant wait, <3
Well, off to the rest of my evening, consisting of HW, and drivers ed. Not so fun...But i have a fun weekend ahead, and only two more days of school this week since I'm leaving Friday. Yay! haha, i must must go. :)
Maddi
xxx

Schoool

Hahaha, I'm at school right now. :P :) They are going over a bible test that I havent taken yet so i got kicked into the library. Not like i mind. ;) Today is going well. I should be studying fr the biolody test i have to take at lunch. Whatever, i will in a min. I feel so tired. bleh, so weak. I just had a quarter of a Larabar for my morning snack and it was so yummy!!! Mmmmh, I now love Larabars!! This was my first time ever trying one. It was apple pie, and it even smelled delish! Made me very happy. Yesterday was a great day because i was able to, even tho i was tempted, not eat the cookie that had been tempting me. And I lost two pounds. Wow, i really shoulnt be proud of that, :P I have a T app. this Friday, so that mught turn me around, idk. This weekend willl be fun. We, my mom and C, are staying in Seattle the whole weekend. Hopefully we can go to Pikes Place so i can buy mary her b-day present, and i also will NOT forget my camera this time! :) I also want to go to my fave resteraunt, The Taste of India, in the U district. MMM, high cal, but maybe i will just try to relax. I havent hit 1200 cals in 5 days, so a day over the minimum, or even at the minimum, is not going to hurt! Tonight is going to be a busy night. I have to make Odyssey notes, which i will probably copy from online because i dont remember it well enough to summarize each book, and i also have to start making my biology vocab sheet. I hate doing that. :/ It takes so much stinking time. and then i have to review drivers ed because there is a test tonight. i almost failed the last one! Thankgoodness i didnt cuz you have to go in to retake it and i dont have the time!!!
Well, my mood has def. been up lately, even if my cal intake and weight hasnt been. its so weid how ed is able to twist the way i feel. Like, why cant i feel this happy at a nrmal weight? I guess since it is like my pain killer than taking it away makes me feel o much pain that it is impossible to be happy. urg, whatever. OOh, and i get to make bracelets for some special people. yay! I love making thesse bracelets! Got to go back to class now! <3
Maddi
xxx


Monday, February 22, 2010

All stuffed in my head....

Heyo! Today was a good day! I feel so happy!! Which in a way sucks because its like my ed is totally proving to me that i am happier with it. and today i would say i have to believe it. jeez. But ya, i brought my PB &J bar and split it for morning snack and lunch. I ate it sooo slow, i made it last through half of bible class. Tehehe, fun. I think today was also a good day tho because of friends. Like at lunch sweet Abbi and I walked around the field and talked, and it was so sunny and perf. oustide, and so nice to see her again after the week break. I am always so much more happy after lunch period because being out in the fresh air and talking with my good friend is always so nice! Abbi also gave me a really sweet note later, right before she left, i think she had a doc. app. It was so nice and encourageing to see that i have made a difference in her life and have helped her. Somedays i just feel so worthless and invisible, and it was nice to know that she feels blessed that i am in her life. Ah, that certainly made me happy!
I also chatted with Mary for about and hour or so. I walked around the block while i chatted, it was still so nice outside. O ya, i also saw karli after school when she came to pick up her sisters and gave her a pic and note i drew for her. I feel bad that i am losing weight again, like i dont care what my parents think really, but i do care about her and Abbi. I dont want to let karli down, and what if I pull Abbi down with me??? She has been on the edge for a while, and im afraid if she sees me fall she might also. Ah, it scares me but i cant stop, not now. Its too hard to feel so uncomfortable with myself.
I figured out something about my ed. First of all, i do so much more for others when i am in it! Like, i write notes of encouragment for people, and say hi more, and just lots of little things. I realize that the reason i cant let go of my ed is because its the one way i know to focus on myself at all. i feel like the whole day i am looking out for others but i am invisible to them, which makes me feel so unimportant, so by not eating i am directing some attention to myself, even if its not much, it makes me feel "there."
Also i discovered this weekend how much both of my parents feed into my ed. They make it so much worse. My mom because she is constantly yelling at me, and she is always stressing about little things that i do or dont do, and so she is nagging at me all the time and the only way i can cope with that is to harm myself. Like seriously, the first time i ever cut myself was after she was yelling at me. I try so hard to make her understand my side. i am willing to listen to her, but she never listens to me! So the only way i could release that built up tension was to cut myself. :/ I didnt cut myself for a long time once my anorexia started, but then when i gained weight, for a while i was back at it. Thankfully Mary has been there for me and she has helped me to stop doing that. Urgh, my mom doesnt understand me at all! I want to go live with another family so bad, but at the same time i just want to get these problems resolved. Its all just such a mess and the one thing i can keep clean is my weight.
my dad is a whole other issue. He also doesnt understand me, AT ALL! He says anorexia is a choice, and i was just not smart and chose it. Right! Like i would want this! And he is soooo mean! c is like his little angel, she always has been, and i am just the annoying person in the back ground. Whenevver i try to explain he just insults me. bleh, i try to work it out but i cant. i am a "child" so anything i say, no matter how right or logical, is overlooked, shot down, or ignored. I am so trapped! The only way for these feelings to escape is for me to not eat. Which i have been doing great at the last few days. The last time i was trying to lose weight i binged after like a day, and changed my mind and decided to stay where i was at. but this time its different. its more like the first time. I just dont want to eat, like when i first was pulled into this. I had to force myself to eat the whole PB&J bar today, and then to have a tiny bowl of oatmeal for dinner. I know i have only had about 500 cal, but it seems like too much. i wish i could just not eat at all.
Tonight i am going to study some, then take a shower, I have also been in a very artsy mood lately, so i think i will draw a little pic/card for Abbi. I also still need to make Mary her b-day card. hehe, im a bit behind. lol :p So ya, those are my thoughts. i know i am slipping, but its like i want to. I dont realy care to go to gymnastics right now, and i dont really care if i dont get that puppy. i can do that when i am in college, and as for gym, well, its more a waste of money. My parents really dont have much, and since they are paying for C to go to dance 6 frickin days a week, well, there isnt really anything left in the sports budget. i still will miss it tho, it used to be such a big part of my life. But C is more important, and i guess i should focus more on school. Bleh. Anyhoos, i shall be off. Have a biology test tomorrow, and i should takee a shower. I dont want to stop blogging tho! Hehehe, it relaxes me. :) Well, tomorrow is a art day and i might get to finish my awesome possum garden sculpture. Cant wait! :p yaya, gots to go.
Trader Joes bar. Definitly interesting...but very tasty all the same. Had half as my morning snack and the other half as my lunch. I would get it again i believe. Going over again this weekend, so i might buy one or two then. :)
Builders by Clif mint chocolate bar. mmmm, this one was really good! I had it as my snack a couple days ago. half in the morning and half in the evening. I like them a lot and will def. get some more next time! A perfect mix of crunch and soft. :D yummers! Hehe!
I had a peaches and cream instant oatmeal packet for dinner. not my fave flavor, but its all we have right now. need to go on another costco run. i dont really love instant oatmeal, its not as good as the real stuff, but its a good low cal snack, and its fast and easy, so its not so bad every once in a while. Off to the rest of my evening!
Maddi
xxx

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Home atlast...

Sooo, so much to say!! Jeezz, where to start? I guess I'll just recap the food of the week, then the activities, then my thoughts...This may take a while. ;p
ok, I learned a very important fact about myself and my ed. I have no clue how to eat normal!!! Like AT ALL! So I was doing ok during school, actually, not quite since i was slowly losing weight, but still I was doing ok, and it wasnt too hard for me to bring my weight up if i needed too. I thought i had control, eating at the same time every day, and the same amount. but heck no!! It all started on Tuesday when I had a bowl of cereal with non lactose-free milk. STUPID!!!! I havent had regular milk in forever, and i guess i forgot why! Omg, I had a terrible stomach ache for the next three hours, through drivers ed. :p By the time we got to Chelan my tummy finally didnt hurt so I ate a TON. idk why even. I guess just because my tummy had been hurting so bad. Bah, it sucked. So then the next morning i swam for two and a 1/2 hours in the places pool, after having a good breakfast. Too big by my standards, but i was like 600 cals, which i guess is pretty normal. Then i also went for a walk. I was doing good, thankful that i could work off all the cals from the night befores binge, but then i binged again, Argh, lets just say the rest of the week, from wed. to Fri. i binged. On Fri. I ate like 15 cookies and that woke me up and i realized i really needed to stop. So i didnt eat the rest of that day, then not a lot on Saturday, and i havent had much today, so now i am back to a better weight, although i am now trying to lose weight. And i dont even care, even tho i know its the wrong path to go back down. but I dont care. bleh. So eating is now back on track. Well, it is far from normal, since now i am hardly eating anything, but at least now i have self control.
So other than stressful eating, Lake Chelan was fun. i swam, and walked along the beach, and on Thur. we ate at a yummy pizza place. I got a veggie calzone. unfortunately i didnt have my camera w/ me so no photos. Then C and I went to the pottery place. i painted a cool mug/bowl that i am going to use for my daily bowl of oats. :D I cant wait to get it back! The lady has to glaze it first, then i think she might deliver it since she has a kid who does sports here. yay. I didnt exactly get to finish it as much as i wanted to because i had drivers ed. :/ but it wil be super cute! Also, we watched the Olympics a lot. That was such a treat since we dont have TV. i got to see Evan Lysachek win the gold in figure skating. he was soooo crazy good! I wish i could figure skate. It was awesome!
Chelan!
the bracelet I made. 'Strong" because i have to be strong.
think thin bar. Not amaze but ok.
skinny cinamon dolce latte in the cutest cup! :) love those drinks. my fave!!

Seattle was fun fun!!! i hardly ate anything the whole weekend, probly bout 2000 cals in the few days, and i got a lot of walking in, so i dont feel so fat like i did in the middle of last week. When we got there we went to Garrisons state swim meet. His relay team made it to the finals which were on Sat. I really enjoyed watching the diver. They were so good. i cant wait to dive again. Next season is coming fast tho. Seeing the skinny guys, even tho they were guys, made me feel sooo huge tho. Like, i feel like i have to be really skinny to be a good diver, because that way i wont make the water splash all huge and ugly.
We spent the night at a hotel that night, and watched more Olympics. The next morning C and dad went and got breakfast at mcD's. I passed on that. Then we took the Sounder train to downtown and me and C walked around Pikes Place and the Water front. i was so bummed, i left my camera in the van at home. :( It was such a sunny beautiful day, and there were soooo many people out. For lunch i got a veggie yeero from a greek place, minus the cheese and saucy stuff, but w/ hummus. YUM! I love hummus. The guy must have sensed i was not wanting dairy, because when i told him i didnt want the cheese, he told me the sauce was milk based, and asked if i wante hummus instead. I was so glad he asked, and i went with the hummus. It was tasty! me and C then walked into the city and caught a bus up to Queen Ann hill to go to my Aunt and uncles house while my dad went to the pool to watch Gars final. We got lost on Queen Ann. Haha, we went on the wrong side of the hill, so we were on second N, instead of W. Oops! we found a park and swang for a while, then finally figured out our mistake. That was a lot of walking. This morning we just got ready, then while C was at her audition we went to *bucks and i got my fave drink. Then it was home sweet home, after looking at a house that my parents are thinking about buying. :/ i dont want to move again! Whatever. So i am going to go. i have so much more to write. but my arms are tired and i have to get ready for the week. *sigh* long week. Glad its over, but sad all the same. Anyway, tootles!
Maddi
xxx

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Wow.

EFFF!! I just wrote a super long post and , urgh, ef, it erased it all! :p i wil rewrite eventually, but i must go. :/

Friday, February 19, 2010

Awful!

Argh, Chelan was fun in some ways but awful in others! I cant wait to get back to school where i have a set eating schedule so i can lose the 5 lbs i will have gained by the end of this week! I cannot live without a schedule...it totally screws up my eating. I just keep reminding myself that by the end of next week my weight will be back down. and i am soooo constipated. Its awful. I have so much to say, but now i am leaving for Seattle to watch my bros state swim meet. Hopefully I'll have internet there so i can write the crap load thats been on my mind. Argh, I am soosooo fat! Just keep saying, its ok, by next weekend i will be back to normal. *sigh* i just need to get that far....
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Apology accepted? I think not...

Soooo, I went for another walk, this time just a short one to JB steamers with C, and she got a smoothie. I didnt get anything. Upset stomach. Maybe nerves, something I ate?? Idk..
Anyhoo, i feel a tad bit better. i just really dont feel like eating anything right now....I know i need to tho. As soon as Naomi wakes up from her nap I will get the other half of that Think Thin bar i had earlier as a snackie.
I told my mom sorry for yelling at her. That didnt go over so well. We just argued some more. But at least now i am allowed to go to Lake chelan with the fam. Not even sure i want to. Like ya, i want to hang out with C, that is fun, but a few days break from mom and dad would be nice. Dad told me when he stopped by that it didnt matter what i thought, that i just shouldnt talk to my mom that way, especially not in front of his kids. Hellooo? Am i not one of your kids??? I guess not...:/
Well, I dont know if i will be able to access a cp while in Chelan, but i wanted to write on here...something productive to do other then sit and let these wounds fester...Going to go wake up Naomi and Samuel. Thinking i will just pack dinner to drivers ed and eat it afterward on the drive to Chelan cuz i wont be able to wait till i get there. Or maybe Ms. Teddy will let me eat it during. haha, i dont think so. Today is a test day. Sun is shining still...:) I need to be happier. Its hard but i seriously neeed to be. Got to goooooo.
Maddi
xxx

hanging in there....

Urgh!!! I need to say that!! my T appointment yesterday went well as i already said, but there is so much more I need to tell her! Like how my ED urges to lose weight have sky-rocketed since my mom got home from Cali.
I woke up this morning and was texting me lovie Mary, and i was eating breakie, and i told my mom some things i needed to do for the day. Not very many things either. Just that i needed to shower, pack, and do drivers ed homework, and that i wanted to take a walk. And you know what she does? She blew up in my face, accusing me of always having my own 'agenda' and not caring what she needs done and not being willing to help. But i am willing to help! It makes me so angry that just because there are some things i need to do she assumes i am going to ignore her for the rest of the day. She is so not understanding! I kind of blew up at her after that, and i know that isnt the best thing to do because it was kind of harsh, but harsh is all i know. Seriously, i am always being ridiculed and whatever, and yelled at, so when i am always treated like that, that is the only way i know how to treat them.
I think my mom is a huge part of my ED. There are so many factors in this tho. Like years of grief, then two consecutive terrible things happening in a short period of time, then the fact that i live with a VERY controlling person, and lastly, the whole "perfect family" thing, where i am the child who is the 'sponge' that sucks up all the pain. Sure, my weight is up, but i am a long way from no longer needing my T. I need her help seriously. it is these bad times when i want to lose weight, cut myself, or die. :/ Miserable. A lot of times taking a walk and blogging help, so when i am done with this post i am going to take a walk. I NEED to get out of the house. Sometimes i feel like i am drowning in here. I wish i could live with another family. And i should because both my mom and my dad have told me i should! They are so cruel to me! I am freaking out. I am going to take a walk, and maybe call Mary so i can express some of this stuff to her. Ugh, trying to hang in there....
Maddi
xxx

Monday, February 15, 2010

Seattle!

just me. :)
yummy bars
raisin pecan chocolate!! delish!
Veggie Wrap
So, the appointment went well. Yay. iT was a good drive over the mountains too, nice and sunny. God, i feel sick right now. just had four cookies and a bowl of icecream...:p Well, i drove for a while on the way over, and some on the way back.
I had a double session, which was appreciated since its been so long. I told my T. everything about my weight gain, to feeling, well, suicidal, to like, how good this weekend has been. Ick, i just ate waaayy too much sugar. Bleh. Well appointments almost seem triggering. I know i still need to go because i am not fully recovered. I feel like such an anomaly, recovering(in a sense) in less then a year. thinking about that makes me want to relapse tho, so not a good thing.
After my app. we went to Trader Joes. I got some bars and a yummy wrap for lunch. :) I love TJ. :) And I drove some more, and then Mary called me and we chatted till i got home. Fun stuff. Heres pics of my foodie's for the day, + the bars i got. Yumminess! I cant wait to try all of them!
Well, I'm watching Lie To Me now, then i might watch Love Happens with the fam. Goodish day
Maddi
xxx

Just a quicky

Today I have a T appointment. I will post either later today or tomorrow about how it goes. i am a little nervous, I havent been in forever!! But i think it will be good. I had one of Aunt C's delish cinnamon rolls for breakie. Mmmm!
I have to leave in a 1/2 hour, but i am pretty much ready.
So about K, and food, apparently she binges, but no purging, thank goodness. She is still so little, not too thin, but still really skinny, so I dont see how! She has a super high metabolism! Mine is high, but not that fast! So anyway, she has food issues too, even if its not to the extreme like mine. It makes me sad that so many people have issues with food, and for goodness sake, we wouldnt even be alive without it! :p so dumb, there are so many fat people, and then there is the opposite side of things. But whatever.
I didnt really lose weight yesterday. Like, that is a good thing. It went down a little, but i cant count that as real weight lose because its probly just like water weight or whatever. So that is good. I ate so much yesterday, i dont see how its possible that it went down at all! And i only did some walking when i went to starbux. So idk, i still need to use the scale till i figure out how much exactly i need to maintain. I eat when I'm hungry, and even sometimes when I'm not not, but i guess it still isnt quite enough. Whateves, Ill figure it out eventually. So at my T appointment i guess i will just tell about why i decided i wanted to recover, and how thats been going, and stuff about what triggers me and all that, and how i just feel about myself in general. I dont know how going to her will help, but i guess it will be nice to tell her things that i wouldnt tell anyone else. Thats what i like about going. WEll, my bro and mom are home, obviously because my mom is the one driving me there.
i should go. I need to gather a few things and pack a lunch for the drive over. Hopefully we can stop at a store afterwards and get a bday present for my friend Mary, or go to a pet store and get supplies for my puppy yorkie. :) HAppy day! :)
Maddi
xxx

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day!

Hellloooo!
Stupid Blogger! I just wrote a post and tried to post it and it got erased! So now i have to re-write! And it was a long post, so that could take a while...I'm going to go make some oatie, and eat as i write because i am hunnngry. :) K, so the water is on the stove.
Yesterday and today were FANTASTIC! I have really been feeling the love, which is so appropriate since today is a day that celebrates love! :) I will write about yesterday first, then today.
Yesterday morning i watched the kiddos, then we were all going to go to open gym, but it was closed. :( So instead we went to the library, which was alright, although i was looking forward to going to the gym just cuz i like being there. Afterwards we drove a block to Clarissas dance studio where she had a class, and from there we all walked a block down to Bison Bagels. :) I hadnt been there since i was like 5 ish, and that brought back some good memories! I enjoyed it muchly! I ordered a half turkey sandwhich on whole wheat w/ no mustard or mayonaise. It was so tasty! I loved the bread, and they stuck lots of these sprout things in it and that was so amaze! I want to buy some of that for food at home. :) I didnt like that i ate meat, being a mostly vegitarian and all, but it wasnt awful. i dunno. I guess i just didnt want my dad to be all accusing if i only ordered a salad! He is so annoying with the whole ed thing, just doesnt understand at all. And i didnt want a bagel cuz they are so high cal, and he would give me crap for getting one, scrapping all the cream cheese off, and then only eating half. so i went with what i could. i also got a very good cucumber greek salady type thing. The ony issues was they dumped tons of dressing, idk what kind, and that was a little bit of a stresser. But it was good, and i tried my best to enjoy it!
After lunch clarissa and i went to the Milners grandparents house to hang out w/ Abbi and Madelyn. We baked and decorated heart shaped sugar cookies for V day, and dreww a bit, and talked a lot, then made pizza 4 dinner, and watched Julie and Julia. Such a boring movie! :/ Disliked! haha, but it was a fun night all in all! Only thing is Abbi can kind of trigger my ed.
it makes me annoyed that her mom is letting her swim, even tho she has been losing weight, quite obviously. :S Ugh, but whatever. My ed tells me i want to be thinner then her, but she is too thin, and stil creepy thin, and pretty ugly thin too, so i really shouldnt want that! I guess it is just that ED voice again. So i really like spending time with her, it just has to be limited. She lies to me, which is upsetting to say the least. i am completely honest with her, so i wish she could be the same with me. I guess continued support will help her to feel more comforatable with me. Just a sec, gotta go make my oatie. ;)
K, got my maple and brown sugar oatie pack ready. My fave flavors are original(plain), and apples and cinnamon, but they are all gone. :( O well, a new box can be bought soon!
Well, on to my fab day today. Church was pretty good. Not amazing, but it was still so nice to learn about God's word. And i felt cute, wearing my fave jeans and i braided my hair to a side pony, and i wore my fave blue sweater. After we went to Jimmmy's Dinner, and Karli, <3, came with. It was so great to be with the people i love so much! I ordered a egg white veggie omelet, and toast, but they served the toast with globs of butter! I was like helloooo? Not everyone in this world likes their toast with 5 tablespoons of FAT on their toast! But whatever, it was ok. I just didnt eat it. And i was glad because waiting at home were some delish cinnamon rolls from Aunt C. She is an amaze cook, they were soooo yummy! Clarissa and I then walked to starbux. The sun was shinning, and we took the dog, and it was so fantastic. I oredered the "skinny" cinnamon dolce latte. I love those! Only 90 cals, so i feel ok about it. I usually get just black coffee, partly because of like no cals, but also because i actually like black coffee, but its nice that there is another option for me. i had that the first time when i went to Ellensburg w/ my dad a while back, They are so yummy! The cups had these super cute hearts on them and i got a pic on my phone. I need t figure out how to load them on the cp because i also got picsof my lunch from yesterday, but i dont know how to get them on th cp. i would like to post them tho. Clarissa and i talked for a long time, and it was super nice to have good quality time together. our relationship has been hurting a little, i think partly bc of Ed stuff. but it is getting better.
WEll, i need to go do chores. :/ omg, my dad is being soooo annoying and stressing! Its so stupid! He acts like i havent done a thing to help, which i so have! and he goes on about how nothing is done around here, which is bull crap, because the house is almost spotless. whatever, he is such a fag sometimes. :p sorry. to true tho.
my mom is coming home today, so thankfully i wont have to deal w/ him much longer! Ugh, he comes in here and just stands behind me and stares at me, as if thats gonna make me do whatever it is he wants, so dumb.
Well, this post is certainly diff. from my first one, but whatever, happy V day to everyone in the world! <3
Maddi
xxx
P.S.
Stuff about Kar and food. Just a reminder. i will write about it in next post, but i must go! Tootles!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Doing good!

Heloooo. Today I am doing ok so far. i ate a good breakie, and I think I am going to go on a walk before I head over to Abbi's house. I was reading this other blog, and the girl said she hated how fat her legs were. I couldnt agree more with her with my own legs! Really, out of my whole body, the only part i really dont like changed is my thighs are a lot bigger. I can still fit into the same size jeans, but still, they are bigger, and my jeans fit tighter. I do not like it. I also dont like how my chest bones cant really be seen. I can still feel them when I rube my hands over them, but they arent visible like they used to be. And my face. I know it is so much more beautiful now without my cheeks being sunk in, but that ED part of me really likes the sunken in cheeks. :/ Really I shouldnt be focusing on myself like this though. It is selfish, ungodly, and really triggering. In a way it helps to write it out tho because then I have it all laid out and i can see more clearly how stupid anorexia is making me!
Well today I had cinamon roll oatmeal packet, and half of a apple struddle. As for the rest of the day, i will eat when I am hungry, but i will also eat at a more scheduled time, and eat what I ate when I was maintaining(well, actually slowly loosing) so I will stick in an extra little bed time snack. In a way I want to lose weight, "on accident" but i realize that is dumb, and doing that is what first sucked me into a relapse. So i really need to be strong, and even when i feel like i have eaten too much but i really havent i will eat some more. Golly, I wish i didnt have a disease that is focused around food, because food is such a big deal every day. LIke i wish it was something that i didnt have to concentrate on EVERY SINGLE DAY! But in a way i should be more than thankful that even tho people do die from this disease, the chances of survival are HUGE, compared to like cancer. And i know that I can control this, and beat this, where as cancer and so many other diseases are pretty much incurable. In a way, anorexia is incurable, but really just to the doctors. To us, the patients, it is curable. Its just seems impossible. But NOTHING is impossible with God, and I am going to hang on to Him.
I should get going. I need to get ready before Clarissa leaves for dance because i have to watch the kids until i go. TOday I am going to WIN!
Maddi
xxx

Friday, February 12, 2010

Today...

Well. I am so messed up right now. :/ I didnt go to school, yay, which is weird because we have next week off anyway, but i just really didnt feel like going. So I woke up and had some oatie, as always, then went for a super long walk with Chiro. I was gone for more than an hour. When I got home I just got on the computer. I watched an episode of Lie To Me, llove that show! :) then I took a hot bath cuz i was freeeezzing. I read two chapters of the Odyssey. I have to finish reading that over break...:/ But whatever. So ya, and I made plans to see miss Abbi, so sweet, tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. And tonight I am going bowling with the Poage girls. I love their family so much. :) They are so nice and they care about me and I just feel happy around them. I want to have them over for my birthday dinner.
During this break there are some things i need to do. I have to drive and get in 4 more hours of driving so that i can sign up for my next drive. Also my fam is going to Lake Chelan to stay in some condos for a couple nights. yay, I havent been up there in FOREVER! I am looking forward to it. Next Saturday I plan to get together with my buddy Kimberly. And sometime this week i need to buy a birthday present for Mary, whose b-day was yesterday. I wish i could have been there to tell her happy birthday in person! :( But thats ok. i am going to get her some gardening stuff, like some seeds and a little pot. :) Cute :).
As far as weight and eating stuff goes, I aint doing so great. I have only had a 100 cal pach of oatmeal today. I really want to lose like 15 lbs before i go back to school so that people will notice. I will lose 2 lbs today if i dont go and be stupid and eat. But wait, I am being stupid by not eating! Whatever, this whole thing is sooo twisted. The only reason I want to lose weight by the end of break is so that people will notice how sick i look. But why do I want people to notice me for looking sick? The answer to that is this simple: I want to be seen! And nobody sees me! And I know for a fact that people look at people who look sick. But the only thing is they arent looking at them in a good way. They are just looking at how disgusting they look, or they are feeling sorry for them but they dont say anything. Thats whats so twisted about my thinking, and thats why i need therapy, to untwist this thinking. I dont only want to lose weight for that reason tho. I also like just the idea of being small. Atleast i know the reason for that, and that is that i am uncomforatable in my body, and am unhappy with the way God made me. Thats an easier thing to change then the whole problem with wanting to look sick for attention. And its not attention from everyone that i want. In fact, when i was in china, or other public places when i was at my lowest weight, i felt kind of embarresed that i was too skinny. And i was afraid people would think i was ugly. There are only some people i really want attention from. Its actually kind of embaressingm and i would never tell anyone who those people are, and why them. But i certainly dont want attention from everyone, the only thing is that by going down this road, thats all I'm going to get, and its not a good kind of attention. It will be the kind of attention that Abbi got when she was sick. People whispered about her, and stared at her, and nobody wanted to spend time with her, partly because she just looked so scary and gross, and partly because she was kind of brain dead, so she wasnt any fun to be around. I really dont want to be that girl, i want a life, i want to be able to think of things other than food, i want my mind to be free from these chains.
Why cant i just let go of this desire? Thats what I dont understand. Its such an addiction. I hate it so much. I hate you anorexia! But at the same time I love you and i cant let go of you! It makes me angry. Maybe its not me hanging on to you, maybe you are hanging on to me. I want to take you off of me so bad!
Sometimes i want to lose weight not for attention, but because sometimes, usually at school, i feel fat. I want to fit in, and when i feel excluded, i think that the only way to fit in is to be thin enough. I get uncomfortable in my own skin. I know I am very thin, but when i feel so left out, i lose my confidence, and wish that i could be at that super low weight i was at a month ago. There is so much turmoil in my head right now. Maybe I should go to the Lord. I have pushed him away the last couple of days, which I know is not ok. I really want to lose all this weight, but at the same time i really dont!
I will gain nothing by losing this battle. NOTHING!!!! I will just feel more depressed, and my ed will just get stronger than ever, and i will never survive this. I will not gain a thing! Not friends, not good relationships, not good grades, not success in diving, not a healthy relationship with God, and I will certainly not be beautiful! And besides, even if i dont like how i look at this weight, who cares? Seriously, the girls i know are liked because of who they are, not because of how they look. I need God, NOT anorexia, to truly be comfortable with myself. Looking sick is not the answer.
I will gain so much by staying well! Good friends, a puppy, a diving scholarship(hopefully), and people will like me more. Also, I am not very creative when my mind is starved. I have so much potential with art, but how am i supposed to fill it when my mind cant even think right? And i can be so successful in school. I have always had good grades, and they wont be good if my mind is not getting the proper nutrition. I have to remind myself of all the benefits. All these things are earthly and will pass away. Getting attention for looking sick will pass because i will move away, or i will actualy be too sick, but others will move away. They wont even know me. They wont!! So it doesnt matter! I only have two more years in highschool. Instead of dwelling on myself, i should try to enjoy these last years. Anorexia, you are making these years HELL! I want to have great last years. I go to a great school, and have not very many friends, but the friends i DO have are AWESOME! I wouldnt trade them for the world. But you, anorexia, are going to make me lose these friends i have. I dont want to give them up. Sure they wil keep loving me at first, but then, after a while, when they dont see any change, and i get more and more depressed, they will just back away slowly, and retreat from me as i have retreated from them. Anorexia, you equal hell. I am done with you! I want my life back! I want the freedom of eating whatever I want. Yes, i will always be very conscience of my appearance, and whether or not i am in shape. The important thing is to be healthy, happy and in shape. And if in order to be those three things i cant be the lightest person in the class, then who cares? NOT ME!! ANOREXIA, YOU CARE! BUT I DONT!!!! I am ready to live a life that is worthfull. I am ready to live a life that doesnt lead to death but that leads to my life, and if I am living, there is so much i can do to further Gods kingdom. I can become a missionary heart surgeon, like i have always dreamed of doing. You, my ED, are threatening to take that dream away. I will not let you. You will not win. I can not save others if my own heart has failed because of anorexia. I want to save others, and bring others to God. I am ready to be done dwelling in my self, and my worries, and my doubts, which are eating away at me, both mentally and physically.
This is my life. This is my chance to stand up. i am proving myself stronger buy winning this fight. I am stronger than you anorexia. I am not yours. I am mine, and more importantly, I am Gods child, created in HIS image, PERFECTLY. Wow, i wasnt planning on writing this much. Plans changed, i am no longer going bowling, but i am going to watch Fame with my little sis. And I am afraid it will be triggering....But I can prove to my ED that I can do anything and still win!!
Maddi
xxx

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

First Post :)

Hello. This is my first post on this blog. I started another one once...but I erased it. This time I want to keep this blog. The old one was full of things i dont want to remember. My life is a journey, and as I go through it, I just want to post my highlights on this blog, as a way for me to look back and reflect on them, and also so other people can read about them. Days are hard, days are fun, days are long, days are short, but either way we have to make it through them.
Today was an okay day. Better then yesterday and the weekend actually. I'm still sad, not myself...I want to recover. I was at a good weight for a few weeks, but already I feel a tug. I dont want to relapse, but it is already happening. I want to stop it. I want to have the strength to go to gym, and be strong, and be a good diver. I want a little yorkie puppy. I dont want my family to feel the stress that comes along with this disease. I am so ready to be done with it, yet it is such a strong addiction....:/
Anyway, mom and gar left for Cali today. dad is at work, and Clarissa is at dance, so its just me and the little ones. Its gonna be like that for a week, so i need to keep eating so that I am strong enough to take good care of them. I love them to pieces, but I really wish that I didnt have to watch them because I have a lot of homework that I need to do. Which I should be doing right now...Haha, i'll get to it, i always do. So ya. My weight just seems so high right now, but i know its not. :/ This is one of those days where I would just like to go to sleep and have it be over. I cant decide if I want to go eat something right now to keep from losing, or just give in and let it take me. I dont want to relapse, but the urge is so strong right now. I dont know why..maybe I'm anxious about...? I dont know what. I've been thinking about summer a lot lately and maybe the whole not wearing much clothing to cover myself up thing is scaring me....Making me worried. It shouldnt but it really is. I want that yorkie puppy tho, and I'm not going to get it if I give up! :( This is so hard. I have such good reasons to keep fighting, but ED has some really good reasons to give up! Thats why its such a war! Well, my mom requested that I get outside with the kids, so I think i might take them on a little walk. Besides, walking always helps me rest my mind. :)
Have a wonderful evening!
~Maddi~

xxx