Doing good!

Heloooo. Today I am doing ok so far. i ate a good breakie, and I think I am going to go on a walk before I head over to Abbi's house. I was reading this other blog, and the girl said she hated how fat her legs were. I couldnt agree more with her with my own legs! Really, out of my whole body, the only part i really dont like changed is my thighs are a lot bigger. I can still fit into the same size jeans, but still, they are bigger, and my jeans fit tighter. I do not like it. I also dont like how my chest bones cant really be seen. I can still feel them when I rube my hands over them, but they arent visible like they used to be. And my face. I know it is so much more beautiful now without my cheeks being sunk in, but that ED part of me really likes the sunken in cheeks. :/ Really I shouldnt be focusing on myself like this though. It is selfish, ungodly, and really triggering. In a way it helps to write it out tho because then I have it all laid out and i can see more clearly how stupid anorexia is making me!
Well today I had cinamon roll oatmeal packet, and half of a apple struddle. As for the rest of the day, i will eat when I am hungry, but i will also eat at a more scheduled time, and eat what I ate when I was maintaining(well, actually slowly loosing) so I will stick in an extra little bed time snack. In a way I want to lose weight, "on accident" but i realize that is dumb, and doing that is what first sucked me into a relapse. So i really need to be strong, and even when i feel like i have eaten too much but i really havent i will eat some more. Golly, I wish i didnt have a disease that is focused around food, because food is such a big deal every day. LIke i wish it was something that i didnt have to concentrate on EVERY SINGLE DAY! But in a way i should be more than thankful that even tho people do die from this disease, the chances of survival are HUGE, compared to like cancer. And i know that I can control this, and beat this, where as cancer and so many other diseases are pretty much incurable. In a way, anorexia is incurable, but really just to the doctors. To us, the patients, it is curable. Its just seems impossible. But NOTHING is impossible with God, and I am going to hang on to Him.
I should get going. I need to get ready before Clarissa leaves for dance because i have to watch the kids until i go. TOday I am going to WIN!
Maddi
xxx