Heyo! Today was a good day! I feel so happy!! Which in a way sucks because its like my ed is totally proving to me that i am happier with it. and today i would say i have to believe it. jeez. But ya, i brought my PB &J bar and split it for morning snack and lunch. I ate it sooo slow, i made it last through half of bible class. Tehehe, fun. I think today was also a good day tho because of friends. Like at lunch sweet Abbi and I walked around the field and talked, and it was so sunny and perf. oustide, and so nice to see her again after the week break. I am always so much more happy after lunch period because being out in the fresh air and talking with my good friend is always so nice! Abbi also gave me a really sweet note later, right before she left, i think she had a doc. app. It was so nice and encourageing to see that i have made a difference in her life and have helped her. Somedays i just feel so worthless and invisible, and it was nice to know that she feels blessed that i am in her life. Ah, that certainly made me happy!
I also chatted with Mary for about and hour or so. I walked around the block while i chatted, it was still so nice outside. O ya, i also saw karli after school when she came to pick up her sisters and gave her a pic and note i drew for her. I feel bad that i am losing weight again, like i dont care what my parents think really, but i do care about her and Abbi. I dont want to let karli down, and what if I pull Abbi down with me??? She has been on the edge for a while, and im afraid if she sees me fall she might also. Ah, it scares me but i cant stop, not now. Its too hard to feel so uncomfortable with myself.
I figured out something about my ed. First of all, i do so much more for others when i am in it! Like, i write notes of encouragment for people, and say hi more, and just lots of little things. I realize that the reason i cant let go of my ed is because its the one way i know to focus on myself at all. i feel like the whole day i am looking out for others but i am invisible to them, which makes me feel so unimportant, so by not eating i am directing some attention to myself, even if its not much, it makes me feel "there."
Also i discovered this weekend how much both of my parents feed into my ed. They make it so much worse. My mom because she is constantly yelling at me, and she is always stressing about little things that i do or dont do, and so she is nagging at me all the time and the only way i can cope with that is to harm myself. Like seriously, the first time i ever cut myself was after she was yelling at me. I try so hard to make her understand my side. i am willing to listen to her, but she never listens to me! So the only way i could release that built up tension was to cut myself. :/ I didnt cut myself for a long time once my anorexia started, but then when i gained weight, for a while i was back at it. Thankfully Mary has been there for me and she has helped me to stop doing that. Urgh, my mom doesnt understand me at all! I want to go live with another family so bad, but at the same time i just want to get these problems resolved. Its all just such a mess and the one thing i can keep clean is my weight.
my dad is a whole other issue. He also doesnt understand me, AT ALL! He says anorexia is a choice, and i was just not smart and chose it. Right! Like i would want this! And he is soooo mean! c is like his little angel, she always has been, and i am just the annoying person in the back ground. Whenevver i try to explain he just insults me. bleh, i try to work it out but i cant. i am a "child" so anything i say, no matter how right or logical, is overlooked, shot down, or ignored. I am so trapped! The only way for these feelings to escape is for me to not eat. Which i have been doing great at the last few days. The last time i was trying to lose weight i binged after like a day, and changed my mind and decided to stay where i was at. but this time its different. its more like the first time. I just dont want to eat, like when i first was pulled into this. I had to force myself to eat the whole PB&J bar today, and then to have a tiny bowl of oatmeal for dinner. I know i have only had about 500 cal, but it seems like too much. i wish i could just not eat at all.
Tonight i am going to study some, then take a shower, I have also been in a very artsy mood lately, so i think i will draw a little pic/card for Abbi. I also still need to make Mary her b-day card. hehe, im a bit behind. lol :p So ya, those are my thoughts. i know i am slipping, but its like i want to. I dont realy care to go to gymnastics right now, and i dont really care if i dont get that puppy. i can do that when i am in college, and as for gym, well, its more a waste of money. My parents really dont have much, and since they are paying for C to go to dance 6 frickin days a week, well, there isnt really anything left in the sports budget. i still will miss it tho, it used to be such a big part of my life. But C is more important, and i guess i should focus more on school. Bleh. Anyhoos, i shall be off. Have a biology test tomorrow, and i should takee a shower. I dont want to stop blogging tho! Hehehe, it relaxes me. :) Well, tomorrow is a art day and i might get to finish my awesome possum garden sculpture. Cant wait! :p yaya, gots to go.
I also chatted with Mary for about and hour or so. I walked around the block while i chatted, it was still so nice outside. O ya, i also saw karli after school when she came to pick up her sisters and gave her a pic and note i drew for her. I feel bad that i am losing weight again, like i dont care what my parents think really, but i do care about her and Abbi. I dont want to let karli down, and what if I pull Abbi down with me??? She has been on the edge for a while, and im afraid if she sees me fall she might also. Ah, it scares me but i cant stop, not now. Its too hard to feel so uncomfortable with myself.
I figured out something about my ed. First of all, i do so much more for others when i am in it! Like, i write notes of encouragment for people, and say hi more, and just lots of little things. I realize that the reason i cant let go of my ed is because its the one way i know to focus on myself at all. i feel like the whole day i am looking out for others but i am invisible to them, which makes me feel so unimportant, so by not eating i am directing some attention to myself, even if its not much, it makes me feel "there."
Also i discovered this weekend how much both of my parents feed into my ed. They make it so much worse. My mom because she is constantly yelling at me, and she is always stressing about little things that i do or dont do, and so she is nagging at me all the time and the only way i can cope with that is to harm myself. Like seriously, the first time i ever cut myself was after she was yelling at me. I try so hard to make her understand my side. i am willing to listen to her, but she never listens to me! So the only way i could release that built up tension was to cut myself. :/ I didnt cut myself for a long time once my anorexia started, but then when i gained weight, for a while i was back at it. Thankfully Mary has been there for me and she has helped me to stop doing that. Urgh, my mom doesnt understand me at all! I want to go live with another family so bad, but at the same time i just want to get these problems resolved. Its all just such a mess and the one thing i can keep clean is my weight.
my dad is a whole other issue. He also doesnt understand me, AT ALL! He says anorexia is a choice, and i was just not smart and chose it. Right! Like i would want this! And he is soooo mean! c is like his little angel, she always has been, and i am just the annoying person in the back ground. Whenevver i try to explain he just insults me. bleh, i try to work it out but i cant. i am a "child" so anything i say, no matter how right or logical, is overlooked, shot down, or ignored. I am so trapped! The only way for these feelings to escape is for me to not eat. Which i have been doing great at the last few days. The last time i was trying to lose weight i binged after like a day, and changed my mind and decided to stay where i was at. but this time its different. its more like the first time. I just dont want to eat, like when i first was pulled into this. I had to force myself to eat the whole PB&J bar today, and then to have a tiny bowl of oatmeal for dinner. I know i have only had about 500 cal, but it seems like too much. i wish i could just not eat at all.
Tonight i am going to study some, then take a shower, I have also been in a very artsy mood lately, so i think i will draw a little pic/card for Abbi. I also still need to make Mary her b-day card. hehe, im a bit behind. lol :p So ya, those are my thoughts. i know i am slipping, but its like i want to. I dont realy care to go to gymnastics right now, and i dont really care if i dont get that puppy. i can do that when i am in college, and as for gym, well, its more a waste of money. My parents really dont have much, and since they are paying for C to go to dance 6 frickin days a week, well, there isnt really anything left in the sports budget. i still will miss it tho, it used to be such a big part of my life. But C is more important, and i guess i should focus more on school. Bleh. Anyhoos, i shall be off. Have a biology test tomorrow, and i should takee a shower. I dont want to stop blogging tho! Hehehe, it relaxes me. :) Well, tomorrow is a art day and i might get to finish my awesome possum garden sculpture. Cant wait! :p yaya, gots to go.
Trader Joes bar. Definitly interesting...but very tasty all the same. Had half as my morning snack and the other half as my lunch. I would get it again i believe. Going over again this weekend, so i might buy one or two then. :)
Builders by Clif mint chocolate bar. mmmm, this one was really good! I had it as my snack a couple days ago. half in the morning and half in the evening. I like them a lot and will def. get some more next time! A perfect mix of crunch and soft. :D yummers! Hehe!Maddi
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