I want to eat but I dont want to eat. Well, really i dont want to eat, but i dont really like this weak feeling. Weak to some extent is good, because its like a sign that i am losing weight, but being this just wanting to lay down and die weak for 5 days straight is not so enjoyable. But i just cant bring myself to eat. I like, really need some help. I've had less than 400 cals today, yet I cant make myself eat more. All I had for snack today was a quarter of a Larabar, then the rest of it for lunch, then half a z-bar for afternoon snack. I cant bring myself to eat anything!!! How long can I go on like this?? Before i give in, or pass out, or do something not good. I dont know why. I guess the whole week last week scared the crap out of me, and i was afraid that i would become fat. because i wasnt starving myself, i turned to bingeing as a way to comfort myself. Only i wasnt purging, because i cant stand doing that, so i would just get fat if i continued with that. It just scared me so bad. I HAVE to have something to keep my mind from the pain, and i have turned to food, and i guess i would much rather be underweight then overweight. I know that last week that weight wasnt even a real weight, and even if it was, it was only one pound over where the docs want me to be, but i felt HUGE!! I just cant live in the inbetween i guess, so i would rather be on the lower side.
Another thing was when we went to Pikes Place I just felt so empty, so unseen. There were so many people...I needed to be different. I wanted to be sick thin so badly in that moment that i was thinking about it, and that desire is still with me. I didnt feel pretty, i didnt have a reason for people to look at me or acknowledge my presence. I think this need to be noticed stems from all the years that i have been neglected, all the years i have been abused and unseen. And i still feel that way a lot. i know i shouldnt, circumstances are better, but some things just affect you for the rest of your life. I wish i could escape from this life so badly. i wish i could live with the Poages, and erase my memory of all the bad, and make a fresh start, and be with them because they are so, idk, perfect for me. I want them to adopt me. Them or the Harkens. I shouldnt want a different family...but i do.... It may not make a huge difference, but for once i want to feel loved, everyday, by a mom and a dad, and sisters....I want that life, but since i cant have it, i am looking to my ed to keep me from, well, idk, going crazy, running, dying, whatever. I am just so stuck. So stuck....so stinking stuck.
Today jaymie and me were talking about diving, and idk, that made me really anxious because i know i could win state if i gained weight, and i am so afraid to let Fila down because he so believes in me. I have such an immense pressure to not let him down, i feel like thats all i ever do to anyone, so it made me super anxious talking about it because what will he think when he sees that in a year i have gotten even worse and not better?!?! Ah, its still a while in the future, but at this point i cant see myself being better. But where do I see myself being??? Dead? In a hospital bed?? In IP?? Living with a family that can handle me?? Where will I be? Will i even care? What is going to make me care? At this point i dont care, i dont care if i cant dive. The only thing that makes me anxious is the fact i would be letting Fila down. but even that...i am going to let people down, i already let him down last season...So who cares? Right now i dont. How can i change that?? I have been reading my bible every morning, and trying to go to God, but it seems like He isnt hearing!! I am so willing to give up on a relationship with him, which i know i cant do. But i have been forced to let go so many times, it would be easy. I am holding on to the hope that He IS there, and he does love me, and he will never stop loving me. it becomes habit, i suppose, to be skeptical, and to not trust, or give my heart to anyone. Wow, these are quite some thoughts i am having....*sigh* Well, I guess I am a bit drained of what to say now...And i must do my homework now. Heres some eats, from yesterday and today.
Another thing was when we went to Pikes Place I just felt so empty, so unseen. There were so many people...I needed to be different. I wanted to be sick thin so badly in that moment that i was thinking about it, and that desire is still with me. I didnt feel pretty, i didnt have a reason for people to look at me or acknowledge my presence. I think this need to be noticed stems from all the years that i have been neglected, all the years i have been abused and unseen. And i still feel that way a lot. i know i shouldnt, circumstances are better, but some things just affect you for the rest of your life. I wish i could escape from this life so badly. i wish i could live with the Poages, and erase my memory of all the bad, and make a fresh start, and be with them because they are so, idk, perfect for me. I want them to adopt me. Them or the Harkens. I shouldnt want a different family...but i do.... It may not make a huge difference, but for once i want to feel loved, everyday, by a mom and a dad, and sisters....I want that life, but since i cant have it, i am looking to my ed to keep me from, well, idk, going crazy, running, dying, whatever. I am just so stuck. So stuck....so stinking stuck.
Today jaymie and me were talking about diving, and idk, that made me really anxious because i know i could win state if i gained weight, and i am so afraid to let Fila down because he so believes in me. I have such an immense pressure to not let him down, i feel like thats all i ever do to anyone, so it made me super anxious talking about it because what will he think when he sees that in a year i have gotten even worse and not better?!?! Ah, its still a while in the future, but at this point i cant see myself being better. But where do I see myself being??? Dead? In a hospital bed?? In IP?? Living with a family that can handle me?? Where will I be? Will i even care? What is going to make me care? At this point i dont care, i dont care if i cant dive. The only thing that makes me anxious is the fact i would be letting Fila down. but even that...i am going to let people down, i already let him down last season...So who cares? Right now i dont. How can i change that?? I have been reading my bible every morning, and trying to go to God, but it seems like He isnt hearing!! I am so willing to give up on a relationship with him, which i know i cant do. But i have been forced to let go so many times, it would be easy. I am holding on to the hope that He IS there, and he does love me, and he will never stop loving me. it becomes habit, i suppose, to be skeptical, and to not trust, or give my heart to anyone. Wow, these are quite some thoughts i am having....*sigh* Well, I guess I am a bit drained of what to say now...And i must do my homework now. Heres some eats, from yesterday and today.
My lunch and snack. yummy larabar! First time ever to have one, very good i must say! Smell amaze too, and i like the saying thingy on the wrapper. ^ :) Haha,"eat by" date is my little bros b-day! :) Funny...;p
Peaches and Cream instant oatmeal. I dont like the instant stuff very much...Had this yesterday as dinner. Probly my least fave of the flavors, but its all we had left. Whatevers....:/ Pretty tho, and i loooove this bowl. I almost always have my oattie in it, that is until i get the new bowl i made in Lake Chelan!! Cant wait, <3
Well, off to the rest of my evening, consisting of HW, and drivers ed. Not so fun...But i have a fun weekend ahead, and only two more days of school this week since I'm leaving Friday. Yay! haha, i must must go. :)
Maddi
xxx
2 comments:
Hey Maddi, I just found your blog on Maya's blog:) I love it! I used to live in Seattle, my fav place!
I know I just found your blog, but I feel like I would be very irresponsible if I didn't let you know that you desperately need to eat more than that hun. I know that you know that, and it is so hard, but the more you let ED win, the easier it is for him :( I am here for you, and I'll be praying for you!
Scott
Oh, thank you! I love Seattle so so much! :) I was born there and plan to move back someday. Thanks for the support. Its the days like these that I need it the most. Thank you for praying for me too! Prayer is the best weapon.
Maddi
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