Today...

Well. I am so messed up right now. :/ I didnt go to school, yay, which is weird because we have next week off anyway, but i just really didnt feel like going. So I woke up and had some oatie, as always, then went for a super long walk with Chiro. I was gone for more than an hour. When I got home I just got on the computer. I watched an episode of Lie To Me, llove that show! :) then I took a hot bath cuz i was freeeezzing. I read two chapters of the Odyssey. I have to finish reading that over break...:/ But whatever. So ya, and I made plans to see miss Abbi, so sweet, tomorrow. I am looking forward to that. And tonight I am going bowling with the Poage girls. I love their family so much. :) They are so nice and they care about me and I just feel happy around them. I want to have them over for my birthday dinner.
During this break there are some things i need to do. I have to drive and get in 4 more hours of driving so that i can sign up for my next drive. Also my fam is going to Lake Chelan to stay in some condos for a couple nights. yay, I havent been up there in FOREVER! I am looking forward to it. Next Saturday I plan to get together with my buddy Kimberly. And sometime this week i need to buy a birthday present for Mary, whose b-day was yesterday. I wish i could have been there to tell her happy birthday in person! :( But thats ok. i am going to get her some gardening stuff, like some seeds and a little pot. :) Cute :).
As far as weight and eating stuff goes, I aint doing so great. I have only had a 100 cal pach of oatmeal today. I really want to lose like 15 lbs before i go back to school so that people will notice. I will lose 2 lbs today if i dont go and be stupid and eat. But wait, I am being stupid by not eating! Whatever, this whole thing is sooo twisted. The only reason I want to lose weight by the end of break is so that people will notice how sick i look. But why do I want people to notice me for looking sick? The answer to that is this simple: I want to be seen! And nobody sees me! And I know for a fact that people look at people who look sick. But the only thing is they arent looking at them in a good way. They are just looking at how disgusting they look, or they are feeling sorry for them but they dont say anything. Thats whats so twisted about my thinking, and thats why i need therapy, to untwist this thinking. I dont only want to lose weight for that reason tho. I also like just the idea of being small. Atleast i know the reason for that, and that is that i am uncomforatable in my body, and am unhappy with the way God made me. Thats an easier thing to change then the whole problem with wanting to look sick for attention. And its not attention from everyone that i want. In fact, when i was in china, or other public places when i was at my lowest weight, i felt kind of embarresed that i was too skinny. And i was afraid people would think i was ugly. There are only some people i really want attention from. Its actually kind of embaressingm and i would never tell anyone who those people are, and why them. But i certainly dont want attention from everyone, the only thing is that by going down this road, thats all I'm going to get, and its not a good kind of attention. It will be the kind of attention that Abbi got when she was sick. People whispered about her, and stared at her, and nobody wanted to spend time with her, partly because she just looked so scary and gross, and partly because she was kind of brain dead, so she wasnt any fun to be around. I really dont want to be that girl, i want a life, i want to be able to think of things other than food, i want my mind to be free from these chains.
Why cant i just let go of this desire? Thats what I dont understand. Its such an addiction. I hate it so much. I hate you anorexia! But at the same time I love you and i cant let go of you! It makes me angry. Maybe its not me hanging on to you, maybe you are hanging on to me. I want to take you off of me so bad!
Sometimes i want to lose weight not for attention, but because sometimes, usually at school, i feel fat. I want to fit in, and when i feel excluded, i think that the only way to fit in is to be thin enough. I get uncomfortable in my own skin. I know I am very thin, but when i feel so left out, i lose my confidence, and wish that i could be at that super low weight i was at a month ago. There is so much turmoil in my head right now. Maybe I should go to the Lord. I have pushed him away the last couple of days, which I know is not ok. I really want to lose all this weight, but at the same time i really dont!
I will gain nothing by losing this battle. NOTHING!!!! I will just feel more depressed, and my ed will just get stronger than ever, and i will never survive this. I will not gain a thing! Not friends, not good relationships, not good grades, not success in diving, not a healthy relationship with God, and I will certainly not be beautiful! And besides, even if i dont like how i look at this weight, who cares? Seriously, the girls i know are liked because of who they are, not because of how they look. I need God, NOT anorexia, to truly be comfortable with myself. Looking sick is not the answer.
I will gain so much by staying well! Good friends, a puppy, a diving scholarship(hopefully), and people will like me more. Also, I am not very creative when my mind is starved. I have so much potential with art, but how am i supposed to fill it when my mind cant even think right? And i can be so successful in school. I have always had good grades, and they wont be good if my mind is not getting the proper nutrition. I have to remind myself of all the benefits. All these things are earthly and will pass away. Getting attention for looking sick will pass because i will move away, or i will actualy be too sick, but others will move away. They wont even know me. They wont!! So it doesnt matter! I only have two more years in highschool. Instead of dwelling on myself, i should try to enjoy these last years. Anorexia, you are making these years HELL! I want to have great last years. I go to a great school, and have not very many friends, but the friends i DO have are AWESOME! I wouldnt trade them for the world. But you, anorexia, are going to make me lose these friends i have. I dont want to give them up. Sure they wil keep loving me at first, but then, after a while, when they dont see any change, and i get more and more depressed, they will just back away slowly, and retreat from me as i have retreated from them. Anorexia, you equal hell. I am done with you! I want my life back! I want the freedom of eating whatever I want. Yes, i will always be very conscience of my appearance, and whether or not i am in shape. The important thing is to be healthy, happy and in shape. And if in order to be those three things i cant be the lightest person in the class, then who cares? NOT ME!! ANOREXIA, YOU CARE! BUT I DONT!!!! I am ready to live a life that is worthfull. I am ready to live a life that doesnt lead to death but that leads to my life, and if I am living, there is so much i can do to further Gods kingdom. I can become a missionary heart surgeon, like i have always dreamed of doing. You, my ED, are threatening to take that dream away. I will not let you. You will not win. I can not save others if my own heart has failed because of anorexia. I want to save others, and bring others to God. I am ready to be done dwelling in my self, and my worries, and my doubts, which are eating away at me, both mentally and physically.
This is my life. This is my chance to stand up. i am proving myself stronger buy winning this fight. I am stronger than you anorexia. I am not yours. I am mine, and more importantly, I am Gods child, created in HIS image, PERFECTLY. Wow, i wasnt planning on writing this much. Plans changed, i am no longer going bowling, but i am going to watch Fame with my little sis. And I am afraid it will be triggering....But I can prove to my ED that I can do anything and still win!!
Maddi
xxx