I have to make todays post quick because i have drivers ed really soon. :/ And no pics because my bro is on the main cp, so im on my moms.
Today has been, well, i just want to die. i kno, that sounds awful and all, but i am so selfish....School was going alright up until art when a girl said something about me that i did last year. She was telling the other students, right in front of me, how i had said something really rude and selfish to her and her sister one day after school! It was so mean, i just wanted to go cry. And i realize it is true. I was at my worst then...lowest weight, and it wasnt me, it was my ed that was so selfish...but now that is the impression everyone has of me. i want to start life over. I have two more years till i can start fresh and meet new people who dont know my history, and cant judge me by it. I was so happy to know that this girl, Jaymie, and her sis, Karli, were "friends" but they cant be. Who would want to be friends with me??? I am so blind to how i act...Every mean thing my dad has ever said to me about how i dont care about anyone is true. And i know i can change that, that isnt the problem, the problem is now no one i know will take the chance to know me, because i probably already scared them off. :( It makes me so depressed...All i want to do is go curl up in a ball and die.. No wonder i feel so alone, and i dont have any friends...I have been so caught up in myself that i treated them all bad.
What puzzles me is why couldnt i see it?? Was it because that was how i was being treated?? Or did i just always feel so bad about myself, even before my ed, that the only way i knew how to protect the true me was to "alienate" myself?? I just dont know. I have no answers, only questions...And the thought to lose weight wont leave my mind, but then i think, doing that would be soo selfish. The last thing i want to be is selfish. I think that is why J's comment today hurt so bad, so deep, because selfish is the worst thing on my list of bads, and i just got shown that selfish is what i am! My heart is literally breaking it feels like...
I'm so afraid now to go to anyone. If i do i am being selfish. its fine here in blogworld if people choose to support me, that is 100% their choice, and i am grateful for that, but now i dont want to go to anyone. I dont deserve it, i have been selfish for my whole life, noone should give me anything, least of all attention and help. I just need to die so i wont be anyones problem.
Another thing is I have lost myself. It scares me...It makes my heart hurt too. I was reading another blog, this girl "seeking" for her life. I dont know who i am anymore. I feel like an empty shell, and my body used to display that....Now that it doesnt tho, i feel like a stranger in my body, because i feel so lost, but my body doesnt look lost...I think that is part of why its so hard for me to let go of my sick body. Its so hard to be at a healthy weight, because, well, my mind isnt healthy at all...I think that is part of why eating is so hard. I like feeling physically empty because that is how my soul feels. God is the only one who can possibly help me now i feel. I dont want to talk to anyone...I dont want to ask for help...I am so wretchedly selfish....the most selfish thing to do would be to leave this world, that is the biggest act of selfishness, but if i am so deep in it and there is no coming out, why not end it?? But i want to save peoples lives. I want to be a missionary surgeon. Its just these two + years at home that i have to refrain from doing the most selfish thing possible.
i decided after every blog post i will write something i believe. even if at the time i dont really. Aand i dont have time to post about food, i need to go now.
I believe that.....*sigh*......that, crap i cant think of anything....
Maddi
xxx
Today has been, well, i just want to die. i kno, that sounds awful and all, but i am so selfish....School was going alright up until art when a girl said something about me that i did last year. She was telling the other students, right in front of me, how i had said something really rude and selfish to her and her sister one day after school! It was so mean, i just wanted to go cry. And i realize it is true. I was at my worst then...lowest weight, and it wasnt me, it was my ed that was so selfish...but now that is the impression everyone has of me. i want to start life over. I have two more years till i can start fresh and meet new people who dont know my history, and cant judge me by it. I was so happy to know that this girl, Jaymie, and her sis, Karli, were "friends" but they cant be. Who would want to be friends with me??? I am so blind to how i act...Every mean thing my dad has ever said to me about how i dont care about anyone is true. And i know i can change that, that isnt the problem, the problem is now no one i know will take the chance to know me, because i probably already scared them off. :( It makes me so depressed...All i want to do is go curl up in a ball and die.. No wonder i feel so alone, and i dont have any friends...I have been so caught up in myself that i treated them all bad.
What puzzles me is why couldnt i see it?? Was it because that was how i was being treated?? Or did i just always feel so bad about myself, even before my ed, that the only way i knew how to protect the true me was to "alienate" myself?? I just dont know. I have no answers, only questions...And the thought to lose weight wont leave my mind, but then i think, doing that would be soo selfish. The last thing i want to be is selfish. I think that is why J's comment today hurt so bad, so deep, because selfish is the worst thing on my list of bads, and i just got shown that selfish is what i am! My heart is literally breaking it feels like...
I'm so afraid now to go to anyone. If i do i am being selfish. its fine here in blogworld if people choose to support me, that is 100% their choice, and i am grateful for that, but now i dont want to go to anyone. I dont deserve it, i have been selfish for my whole life, noone should give me anything, least of all attention and help. I just need to die so i wont be anyones problem.
Another thing is I have lost myself. It scares me...It makes my heart hurt too. I was reading another blog, this girl "seeking" for her life. I dont know who i am anymore. I feel like an empty shell, and my body used to display that....Now that it doesnt tho, i feel like a stranger in my body, because i feel so lost, but my body doesnt look lost...I think that is part of why its so hard for me to let go of my sick body. Its so hard to be at a healthy weight, because, well, my mind isnt healthy at all...I think that is part of why eating is so hard. I like feeling physically empty because that is how my soul feels. God is the only one who can possibly help me now i feel. I dont want to talk to anyone...I dont want to ask for help...I am so wretchedly selfish....the most selfish thing to do would be to leave this world, that is the biggest act of selfishness, but if i am so deep in it and there is no coming out, why not end it?? But i want to save peoples lives. I want to be a missionary surgeon. Its just these two + years at home that i have to refrain from doing the most selfish thing possible.
i decided after every blog post i will write something i believe. even if at the time i dont really. Aand i dont have time to post about food, i need to go now.
I believe that.....*sigh*......that, crap i cant think of anything....
Maddi
xxx
2 comments:
Maddi,
ED makes us into people we never wanted to be. Alienating ourselves from friends and family, fighting with friends, and more. But no matter how bad you feel your relationships are with these people, they still want to help you to get better. YOU are worthy of recovery. YOU deserve help. YOU can get better. YOU can be happy. But you must reach out to those people that want to help you, and let them do their jobs. I know it is really hard, but it is a must. I know that for me, my sister realised my problem and made me go to a psychologist, which I feel was the best thing that ever happened to me. I truly feel like God was working through my sister to bring me to this doctor and bring me into recovery.
YOU are a beautiful, incredible, wonderful, miraculous person, and you deserve recovery.
I am praying for you Maddi!
Scott
Scott, your comments mean so much to me, seriously!! O, and I finally figured out how to follow your blog. For some reason I couldnt figure out how, idk why since i havent had trouble with other blogs. But its ok because now i have it figured out! :) You are an amazing person too Scott! I wish we could meet in person, you just seem like the kind of person i would always want to be around!
I will pray for you too!
Maddi
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