Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Ewww.

I FEEL FAT. thats all.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Finally a Spring Break day worth reporting! :)



Just a little pic I drew. :)
FINALLY I had the energy to actually want to get out of bed this morning! WOOHOO!!! This terrible virus that was keeping me weaker than weak has finally lifted and i can enjoy some things once again!! ya, basically from Friday the second I got home from school till this morning I was in bed all day with the exception of getting up to stuff my face, or take a walk. Pretty boring for spring break if you ask me, but maybe my body was just giving me a little warning by making me sick so all i could do was lay around!What have I been up too besides sleeping this last weekend. um, well, on Saturday i was NOT ok, bleh, dont want to remember that day..When I wasnt sleeping tho I was reading. I read thru the book Three by Ted Dekker in ONE day!!! :p Really intense book! Also I read Pictures of Hollis Woods in a day-doesnt take long, its a small book. I've been reading a lot of Psalms too. My heart really really needs a pick-me-up, and while reading the Word doesnt fix all of my problems, it helps me to see HOPE, and it brings me closer to the LORD. I have also done some art. :) Tulips, tulips, tulips....love em!! :)
Also the night before last we were invited to a friends house for dinner and there were some graduates from my school who I know hanging out there and they were all so friendly to me and my sis!! Like, I know them because its a small school, but i dont really know know them, yet they were all really friendly and included me, and I felt like a part of their group!! It was awesome! We watched The Prestige, and this guy Adam took me home after since my parentals had left, and he said he would call me when they were going to float the river because we had been talking about that and i expressed that I had never done that before! :) yaya!

Today i woke up, did some drawing, got dressed and ready, and around 11 c and I walked to Starbucks and got dark cherry fraps. They werent nearly as good as the ones in China! :( Im sure they make them different, and i was a but bummed. O well, but i cant wait to get my usually next time! I missed it today! ;) After us and mom and the two little ones went to Walla Walla park. I walked Chiro around the trail while the kids played, and after we went to Jeepers for lunch! Yum, i got a pesto bagel, it was perty tasty! Then we went to the Milners! Madelyn had invited C over, and I was like whoa??? Can i go hang with Abbi?? So my mom asked and that was ok! :) It was sooo fun, I wish we had got more time! We went on a hike back behind their house, and Abbi and i continued on past the caves and hiked to the very top of the huge hill! The view from the topp was spectacular, you could see the whole Wenatchee Valley! Not as amaze as the view from Mission Ridge, but still, fantastic! If I lived there i would take my drawing stuff and bring it to the top and just draw to my hearts content! After we had a snack, and i drew a pretty tulip picture, but i left it there, oops, then we made some prank calls, lol, and then walked to a Walmart and bought some hard candies and life savers. And Abbi and i split a SoyJoy bar, quite good. We started to walk back home but Mrs. Milner came and picked up C and I and took us home. :( But i was starting to get really tired, so it was ok with me. Well, hope all of your weeks are going fantabulous!! :)
Maddi
xxx

Monday, March 29, 2010

I'm still alive.

Well, hello. I totally went AWOL, but I am still here. Starting on Friday I have jusy been having a dreadful awful horrendous time but I am now past the worst. And no, i havent lost weight. Actually instead one of the days this weekend I totally binged, then from that I realized that my body is trying to tell me something: its not getting enough food!!! Also I realized just how much i am ready to be done with the horribe disease, so I gained x more pounds. Still a tad bit away from that ideal number, but I dont think i have to exactly be there as long as my body feels happy. I am going to stay at this weight now, as much as my ED is telling me I am fat, I will stay here and do what is healthy for me. i really wonder if I will get my period back at this weight...I kind of hope because it like confirms that I am at a good weight, even tho my ED tells me I am fat if I do get it. He really isnt that important to me right now tho. Ha, take that ED. But really, I have felt so awful the last few days, part of that just has to do with being sick, ppart just I was/am so depressed. Its getting better, but gah, I was so tired and weak. I stayed in bed hhalf the day yesterday, then took a really long walk, then we went to dinner at a friends house and I watched The Prestige there. Good movie!
There is so much mentally going on inside me right now. Things arent good at all but I believe getting better. I was def. suicidal on Sat. but I told my friend K via email that i was NOT ok, and she was able to some how call me even tho she is in Mexico. And i seriously think that may have saved me. There are so many thoughts running through my head, about relationships with my parents, and how my childhood is affecting me so much, and how I want a relationship with God. K said I am putting a wall around my heart. I dont love myself so I cant accept other peoples love. I suppose that is more than true. K is probly the person I feel who cares about me the most yet I still find it so hard to believe that she really does care about me. i find it so hard to trust, love, and feel safe. All that is tied to my childhood, my family life then and now. Its beyond my control to change. This whole weekend of sadness started Friday when my mom said something terrible to me, and that was when I recieved a hard slap in the face that i cant do this alone. I cant go through all this pain I have alone. And realizing that was just devastating because I believed I was alone, but i am trying so hard to break down the wall and know that I am not alone. God is there, K said he is waiting for me to take his hand, WANTING me to take his hand. I want to take his hand, I just am not sure how, but I cant give up, because living in this darkness is killing me. It nearly killed me this weekend, if I dont take charge it will. I have to let go of faith in myself and put my faith to my Father instead. its just so hard.
Maddi
xxx

Friday, March 26, 2010

Falling apart....

Geez, today has been a day...a more than crappy day....First, in the morning my mom started yelling at me, then told me to find another family, whatever, ya, shit, and I did pass the compass test, so that was good, all the school things today were good but anything and everything at home was bad. So very bad....I binged and purged tonight, then as punishement cut my arm, TWICE!! Ah, geez, i have never done it twice! :( I'm so freaked out, I cant control myself it seems, and with K in Mexico I have noone at all to tell my probs to, not even Mary because lately she has just been getting mad at me for not listening to her advice, and she told me i was just giving up. hell, if only she knew how hard it was and how hard i have been fighting, but as of tonight i just want to give up and die. I wish it worked that way, that when you were ready to be done with life you just could be...but God decides, not us. Sometimes i wish it were our choice tho! I dont know what i will do tomorrow, maybe not eat at all, maybe run away in the morning and just be gone all day for the sake of just getting away from the hell of my house, maybe just sleep all day since i have been feeling sick all day today, and its not like throwing up helped that at all. Sorry, this is such a dissapointing post, especially compared to the last one. I just need to learn to deal with hard things that are beyond my control in a way that doesnt harm me. It just hurst so bad when my mom yells at me then tells me to find another family....:( Goodnight.
Maddi
xxx

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Good and bad days gone by...


Yay, baack to posting! At this moment I am having a wonderful dinner/snack of maple brown sugar oatmeal with 3 TJ's Dark Chocoalate covered almonds stirred in with a 1/2 tbsp almond butter also! MMMMH! Eventually I am going to come across one of the chocolateless almonds, the chocolate all melted off! :)
My title is how its been. Today has been great, but the previous two were awful. I am not letting it destroy the progress I have made so far tho!!! Infact, even tho it was terrible, (I am btw tallking about food stuff) it just made me realize how badly I NEED to recover. The last two days have been hell, just hell, as far as my eating has gone, but I have come through stronger, and also knowing that I cant do what i did again or else it WILL destroy my previous efforts. This time tho,it was the first and last time, and I will not look back and let it ruin my progress. And besides, out of 6 days of my new plan, its been 4 good days to 2 bad, so over all I have been doing better then not! :)

Ok, omg, back to what I am enjoying, it is seriously like desert but better because its not tooo sweet(i dont really like sweet that much) and its oatmeal, so of course its good! :D LOVE!

Overall it seems like things are looking more positive then not. I never got to post about my last T appt. but it was good, and the next one I am having my mom and dad come in with me so we can all talk. I am trying to be brave, but I am afraid i am going to change my mind when I get there. Hopefully with my T's help I will be able to do it. We just seriously all need to talk because if things at home dont get better(really, they suck) I am not gonna last. Either I would fall back into my old ways, making things worse, or I would seriously consider running away, or just living with another family, which I am sure that if I really wanted to my parents would let me!! So ah, its still more than a week away, but I am anxiously awaiting it...The past week I have just been trying super hard to help out around here and stay on my parents good side(not really working, they yell at me for everything!). But I am trying so hard, I dont want everything to fall apart because even if it isnt my fault I so often take the failure out on myself.

School hasnt been too unbearable, I just have one more day till break! EEK, I am excited!! And tomorrow hardly even counts because I leave at 9 to take the compass test, then its art for the last 3 periods, which I think I might skip....I love doing art, but I dont like Mrs. Noyds art studio!! And 3 hours of drawing pears with pastels??? NO THANKYOU! So ya, just proverbs memorization test tomorrow, which I am not ready for, but no worries, I will be!
Heres some pics then I'm off to draw, study, and hopefully take a quick walk! :)

my nail art! :) I kove doing my nails all fancy, and haha, i used black, even tho its against school policy. I use a skewer for the flowers. Love it, they are in honor of spring! :D

my completely vintage heart earings. Random, I know, but I love em! :D My aunt gave them to me because she never wore them. Honestly when I first got them I didnt think I would either! ;)
Chocolate brownie z-bar spread with a 1/2 tbsp almond butter and 1/2 a apple! :)
The very first picture is one i drew with side walk chalk in the driveway yesterday. Unfortunately I was playing around with effects and accidentaly saved it, thats why its kinda weird looking! ;)
Dinner tonight, lol, ya, its now 3 hours later, was so good! I left my camera at school today tho. :( It was a toasted english muffin with a tbsp PB and shredded half carrot and spinach all sandwhiched together! Also a bit of cranberrie juice on the side! :) I love being creative and artistic with food! :)
What is one of your favorite things that you do all by yourself??
Maddi
xxx

HEy!

Hey all! The internet has been down at my house so I am at school right now, ;). Anyhow I miss you all and I cant wait to get back on and post, but just know I am still here! :) Love you!
Maddi
xxx

Monday, March 22, 2010

I guess I'm just a foodie ;)

Ello. It is pretty late and tomorrow is a school day, and I am also quite emotionally drained for the day, so i am just going to do a quicky food post! :) Kinda fun to keep it nice and simple and not deep for a change! ;)
Lunch today was a Greek Quinoa Salad from TJ's. mmmm, this was my first time evver to have quinoa and I have to say my tastebuds were pleased and my tummy was satisfied!! Quinoa is really different, but its good! I need some good quinoa recipes, and maybe use it at home! :)
On the way to Seattle today we stopped by Starbucks and I got my usual: a short extra hot skinny cinnamon dolce latte. yummers, never fails for me. Speaking of Starbucks, USA finally got the Dark Cherry flavor! :D When we were in China in the winter they had that, and in China C and I got dark cherry fraps, then we came back home and tried to order one but they didnt exist here yet!!! lol, but I am happy they do now, and since my grandma Betty is in town and she always takes me to *bucks I will get a frap. (haha, I might have to leave out lunch tho!)
My clif bar of the day was Peanut Toffee Buzz. I ate it as I took a loverly walk this morning. I cant say I loved it, but, like all Clif bars, it was good!
Breakie this morning was sooo good!! I love that my mom got english muffins so now i can have something other than oatmeal for a change! This is a toasted english muffin spread with 1 tbsp Maranatha almond butter and topped with frozen booberries!! <3!!

Just a little yogurt mess from last night. I tried a new brand of greek yogurt, strawberry flavor, and decided to crumble a oatmeal cranberry cookie on top.

Well, off to bed, I really hope all of you more than amazing bloggers had a good Monday!! :) Btw, your comments really made my day!! :)

Night night!

Maddi

zzz(hehe)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sad on Sunday...

Heya bloggers. I'm going to start with food this post. I have eaten normal yesterday, and today, and I just feel a bit better/healthier overall. Even tho I am a bit backed up...;) My goal: To eat a maintainance calorie amount for a FULL week to just figure out what I even weigh, and give my body a chance to "normalize." From there I will then choose between three options: 1.) Gain weight if it is too low. 2.) Maintain. 3.) loose weight, whether i am at a good weight or not. I am hoping that my weight is where it should be so I can choose option 2. I am afraid if it is too low I will just go with it and choose option 3. And I am also afraid it might be to high(very unlikely tho) and I will also want to choose option 3. :/ Gosh, I shouldnt want to choose option 3 at all! But I DO feel like I am getting stronger against my ED voice. Emotionally its been hard but thats another thing and I will get to that! First, heres some food!








Dark chocolate chocolate and bread bar by Theo!! mmm, it was so yummy! I split it with my friend K when i was at her house last night and ate it while watching Amazing Grace. Oh, I LOVED it! :D I found it in the health food aisle at Fred Meyer's. How random is that?? ;p I am going to get the hazelnut kind next time. I also love the wrapper, its so cute!








Lunch yesterday was amaze!! I had a toasted english muffin spread with 1/2 tbsp PB each and topped with carrot strips. O my goodness yumminess! Ah, I think I have found a favorite! Also had a serving of fruit and nut medley from costco on the side. When i was at Fredy's last night I also bought ten cliff bars because they were on sale. I bought all the flavors and I cant wait to try them all, one for each day! :)



Yesterday, after watching the movie Thin, which is a documentary about girls with eating disorders in in-patient, I decided I need to find a different way to release my emotions. Well, or release them at all for that matter!! I felt so sad watching it, like that could be MY life if I wasnt strong enough to keep fighting. Heres some things that I have discovered dont help me release the hard thoughts, but they DO help me feel better, and by doing them I can make it through better. Like they are positive ways to distract me from pain. I want to write them down so that I remember them, so that when I feel awful I can look at these positive things and see that that is what I can channel my energy into doing.


taking Chiro on walks. blogging. baking. reading. watching movies. drawing. swinging. swimming. organizing my room.


What is sad is that all of those things are solitary....I'm sick of being alone in everything i do.


I also had a drive which went fantastic, yay, then went to Karli's. We watched Amazing Grace, even tho I just watched that but I wanted to see it again, I love it so much. And i had that delish Theo bar, haha, 'on the side'. After we crawled into bed (she has a double bed) and talked.



It started with one question from me. How often do you see your mom? Honestly I was curious, her and her mom seem so, connected, and I just wanted to know so bad. So she told me and asked me the same...and I really didnt have an answer except mumbling, uh, well....she picks me up from school everyonce and a while...then there are the drives to Seattle, and...uh... Ya, pathetic... And we just kept talking, and I kept telling her more and more, and asking her about her parents, and she would ask me the same, and it was just so heartbreaking to see the difference. Like sometimes she feels disconnected, its a billion times worse for me...Not to have like a pity party or anything!!! I also wanted to cry soooo bad. I told her that. She told me that was ok, i could, she wouldnt judge me. She assured me it was ok, it wasnt a bad thing, its a good thing. But I couldnt. I told her I havent...instead I cut or starve myself. Why cant I cry??? K asked me that. And I didnt know what to say because I didnt really know the answer. Am I scared? I think so...Of what?? Of letting go...But why on earth would I be scared to let my tears fall, to cry the big sobs that are stuck in me, the anguish that is building up and has nowhere else to go?? Because I feel alone, I need someone to cry with, I dont want my release to be in secret...But you werent alone, she was right there with you, so why didnt you just let go?? What was holding you back?? No, I wasnt alone. Yes, she was right there. And hell, I am mad at myself for holding back. But why I was, is I was scared shitless. (sscuse the french.) Scared of the unknown, scared to trust her that it would be OK if I cried, scared to feel anything but safe......safe inside myself....always I'm inside myself.

Arg, well i had another paragraph but dumb ole blogger(no offence) wouldnt save it. Whatever :/ Goodnight!

Maddi

xxx

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Thoughts that CANT be let go of.

Hi. Yesterdays post was hard. Rough. Heartbreaking. And true. Its true that I feel that way a lot of the time, those emotions arent fake. But heres the thing. No matter how hard my situation is now, no matter how much it seems like it cant get better, I need to move forward. My ED, is it making my life better or worse?? Worse. Moving forward, is it making my life earier of harder?? In many ways, harder. But is it worth it?? YES
My ED tells me lies. It says, you can be thin and underweight, but also strong and you WILL be able to continue your life, and handle whatever it throws at you.
Truth: I wont be strong! Gosh, when I am starving myself I cant even go on my daily walks with my dog!
It says, well duh you couldnt walk your dog, its because you were still loosing weight. but once the weight is lost you WILL be able to walk your dog! You may just have to be patient for a while,
Truth: but when will I stop?? i wont EVER be happy with the low weight I am at! It will never be good enough until I am dead.
I ask, why am I recovering now, why not wait? or why should i in the first place? Why not just always stay where I am?
It says, YOu are SOOOO FAT!!!
Truth: How could I possibly be?? I am still 'underweight'.
It says, screw what the doctors say, what your family says, you can be whatever weight you want!
Truth: That is very true. I COULD be whatever weight I want. But i cant be the weight I want AND have a life.
I want my life. I dont want to be the girl who goes to in-patient, then goes out, then still isnt ok so goes back in, I dont want to be the person who cuts her life span short because of the lack of care to her body. I dont want to be the girl who spends years wasting away, or wasting her time recovering. I dont want to be freaking 30 years old and still be fighting this!!!
A lie, you would ENJOY inpatient, you would meet new people, you wwould have a new experience, you could even be the thinnest there if you work hard enough.
Truth. THAT IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!! How could I want that?? I want a LIFE!!! I want to go to college, I want to serve others, I want to be ME. I DONT want to be stuffed in some hospital like place with a bunch of screwed up girls. I DONT want that!
ED tells me I would be loved, special, cared for there, but no. i would be giving up anything and everything that I do have. I would just be one in a crowd of sick girls. I would just be loosing my lifes precious time. So what do I want?? Or why do I 'want' this?
I just want to be loved!! I want to feel special. Being super thin makes me feel special. But it is WRONG!!! I need to let go of that. i need to accept that right now in my life I dont feel right with how i am treated, i dont feel right with my relationship, but holding on to my ED, starving myself, being thin, isnt going to fix the way i am. I just have to remember that.
Anyway, yesterday and the day before were major bingeing days, just trying to pick mmy wweight up off the floor. I took Chiro on a walk yesterday and today too, something I hadnt done all week because I was just too weak. And today I have done a great job eating the right amount. I am just trying to maintain now, not loose or gain. The constant up and down is killing my body, i am taking a break now, just maintaining whatever weight I am really at, I dont even know right now. Tonight i am going to karli's house to spend the night. I am looking forward to it, i dont know how i am going to manage to not just break down tho, the last few weeks have been so hard, especially the last few days emotions have really been building up. For now I am giong to finish a movie i was watching, then i have a drive, and some chores to do.
all you bloggers need to blog!! Seriously, I have had nothing to read!! :)
Maddi
xxx

Friday, March 19, 2010

:/ Sometimes I just dont want to go on...

Ola! I dint post yesterday, I just didnt feel like it. Gosh, it seems like all the bloggers I am following are taking a little break!
Yesterday after school I turned myself around. I ate a lot!!!! Later i went to Cafe Mela with my cousin and Aunt. That was...interesting. I got a cinnamon muffin, and it was super good, but I was so full from earlier that I couldnt finish it. After we got home I had a good phone chat with Mary, it was so good. She just encouraged me to be ME, and not care what the girls think. I listened to that advice today, and, well, I felt happy at school for the first time in forever. Sorry, my thoughts are all jumbled right now so this post is going to not be very easily followed!! I bought a netbook from Costco today, I am using it right now and I love it! Now on to some rambling...
1. my happiness today: I felt so freed, so willing to just be me at school today. I spent a lot of time with Ali too, and she just is so happy it kind of rubs off on you anyway. i felt HAPPY! but what is happy?? Because now I am sooo sad! I was happy because:
  • I was looking at the positives
  • I felt like I had a good meal plan for the day that I was going to stick too(and I have succeeded ok so far, maybe just a little over)
  • So many heavy hard feelings just werent present! Like it was as if they didnt exist...
  • I was excited to get my net book

but now I am sad...because

  • I found out my mom read my blog!
  • my dad ignored me...
  • i just feel LOST!!!

I hate me! I hate my body, I hate it so much, I wish I was just comfortable with it like the other girls...I hate me because of my inability to just not care. I feel sooo hurt. I just want to cry so bad, I just want to be held in someones arms and cry...I cant tho, I have noone. Not now at least, not here. I hate my family!!! I really do, I love them because they are my family, but I HATE the way they treat me. My mom was on the phone so much, my dad too, he is always doing work...Right now they are upstairs, my mom dad, clarissa, and my relatives, just talking, but when i was at the table there wasnt that natural conversation. They are laughing now. What is wrong with me??? Why cant I be treated normal? Why cant I just BE normal?? I want to cry, I just want to cry sooo bad. but there is no one....I dont even want to lose weight. Like ya, I could, but eff it, it doesnt help. When I crawl into my ED cave to get away from the problems, it doesnt fix them, it just makes it worse for when I come out of the cave. So why come out?? Because i HAVE to! Being in my ED just makes things worse, I know that is true, my mom tells me she isnt mad at me, and that it doesnt effect our relationship but what the hell?? What relationship??? I have ruined anything there may have been, ever....I want to leave. I want to escape from this life. i want to live with the Poages. Mrs. Poage would just hold me and let me cry. She would notice and care about me, she wouldnt have to intrude and read my blog the way my mom did to see that I am not ok. She would just know because she cares about me. And ya, i suppose my mom does to some degree, but its only because she has to, its just her responsibility. She has told me before that I should go live somewhere else. my dad has told me that before too. Too many times to count. I know they dont hate me, but they certainly dont love me. Yes, they love me because I am a person, and they have to as christians, but they dont...not in the same way. Efffffffffff, I just want OUT!!! I want to get away! no, I now know that loosing weight isnt the answer...i have found that out the hard way...looking sick on the outside is a picture of how I am doing on the inside, yes, but then that becomes the focus, and not what I really need. I hate hate hate hate hate going up and down, starving myself then changing my mind halfway thru............

How can a child have two parents who refuse to love them?? I just want to...hide...leave...I want to feel SAFE! I hate where I am, where I am not understood, I am not accepted, I am not protected...I am hardly even seen. I want to disapear because I have been treated like it would be best if I just would. But I also want to be seen. I want strong loving arms wrapped around me. tears are running down my cheeks but nobody sees........nobody knows....they are nobodys concern, i have to just take care of myself. i am TIRED of taking care of myself! I am tired of "being my own mom" I am tired of having to control my emotions because i cant let them out...

...thats how I feel...about my life, about my parents, about my siblings, about the people in my class, about the people who have abused me, about all the things i want to change but cant, about all the things i have such strong emotions about but I cant do a thing about...

Ah, well I should go...I stayed up late last night watching Amazing Grace, now I am watching the Secret Life of Bees. :( I think blogging does help me thi, i dont feel so much like crying anymore. It a way out. Also there is a story I want to write and maybe turn into a book.

goodnight,

Maddi

xxx

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

An Unexpected Visit by me!!! :)

Hullo! I can post pics now! Heres last nights dinner. a garlic chicken lean pocket.


Then the last three are yesterdays lunch and snacks. MMMM, I LOVED this Larabar!!! Soooo good!
This is a card I made for miss Abbi with twirler paper. :)

Ah today. Today was a very funny day!! And I wont go into to many details, but it involved phones, bad boys, a trip to the principles office, and skipping class. And o my gosh, I cant stop laughing about it!! Long story short I got in trouble for something not bad, but got sent to the office with 3 boys who had done the thing I did but in a BAD way, then I had the pleasure of putting my principle(who is very full of himself) in a corner as he didnt know how to answer the question I had asked that basically showed him he was wrong about what he was telling us we were doing. Ah, then class was almost over so we just went to the locker room and talked and laughed for 20 minutes till lunch...hahaha, I couldnt stop laughing after lunch. I kept giggling. Honestly I could go thank Mr. D for making my day interesting and worth smiling about for once in the year!!! And no, I wasnt intending to make him look like a fool, it was a honest question, but it sort of did in the end, and I just cant help but laugh!!

I wont be going to gym tonight-low weight + out of town visitors, so just loafing, doing a little homework, and just whatever. Thank the Lord for a good day tho!! :) I am just so happy that something was different, even tho it wasnt exactly positive!! lol, shows how good can come out of "bad."

Eating wise i just havent been feeling hungry, which is a good thing considering I want to lose weight. And I didnt feel AS fat today. Just better all in all. The sun is shinning out tho, and I will go do my homework. O ya, and I talked to Mary and told her about my day, and she is calling me back later because she has something to tell me.

Off to a lazy wazy evening! :)
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bleh!!

Goodnight!! And I am not saying that because I am going to sleep right now but because it is LATE!! Aaahhh, I hate going to bed late! But I am, so too bad. Ok, so first off I am a bit peeved because my bro is on the computer and I have to use my moms which means no pictures. :/ LAME!! Secondly, it has been a suuuuper busy day, and I should keep this short but knowing me it will grow long! ;) And I hate my moms lap top. The keyboards is soooo annoying!

Today has been a long day. School was same old, I walked with Abbi at lunch and it was pretty fun, and I just thought it was a little comical because here we are, both with ed's, and the whole time basically we were talking about food bars!! lol. She told me about all the different cliff bar flavors that are at Fred Meyer's and I am going to have to check them out because they all sounded amaze!! Speaking of those, i bought a carrot cake flavored one which I am going to eat for lunch tomorrow.

For breakfast I had apple instant oatmeal. Lunch was a cherry pie Larabar, and o my goodness, this one certainly is my fave out of the 3 that I have tried!! Btw, i will post pictures tomorrow. After school snack was an apple with a tbsp of almond butter. That was different...I didnt want to use PB tho because I always do! Dinner was a lean pocket, and a TLC trail mix bar after drivers ed.

Today I had soooo much homework! Sheesh, and I technically am still not done! Ah, bleh, whatever. Drivers ed was good because it was my LAST class, and I passed the test!! YAY! So now i just have 3 more drives and I am completely done. :) Saturday night I am going to Karli's to spend the night because her whole family wil be gone and she doesnt want to be home alone. ;)

Body image was TERRIBLE today!! Ugh, the whole day I just felt so FAT! Not as bad as yesterday but still....I wanted to hide, or go home, but of course i couldnt. haha, that reminds me, random as it is, that my jerk of a math teacher called the whole class(well maybe just the few people who had questions about the hw assignment, me included) weak and incapable!! Isnt that just pathetic???? I mean, hullo?? We are in math CLASS to learn about math, not be ridiculed when we dont understand it!! He bugs me, and boy, if he had said that to one person in specific I am just sure I would have walked right out of the room without a word and not gone back in. Seriously!!! :/

I will write that metaphor about me that I had in mind. So, I am holding a shield. Just a good sized shield, the type you would see in Roman battles way back then. i am holding up that shield, trying to protect myself, as people are shooting little arrows at me. Sometimes the occasional spear will come in my direction too. A lot of the arrows just stick into my shield, and dont do me any damage. Sometimes tho they hit me, because the shield is not large enough to completely cover me. That is why I need to lose weight, because I need to make myself small enough to fit behind this shield, which is not protecting me enough. When the spears hit the shield they just make it weaker,smaller, and I am hit more and more by the weapons flying at me. I HAVE to become smaller to save myself. Mostly it is just arrows, but there are SOOO many, that it is overwhelming, and they continue to graze me, each time it hurts a little worse than the first time. And the spears are the worst, they leave me cowering, frightened to leave even a pinky finger showing, so I have to shrink, and fast!! I cant imagine doing anything different. Who else could help?? It is just me, alone on the battlefield, I am trapped against the fortress walls, and there are enemies on every side. I do see a rope dangling above me, but by this time I am too small to reach it. I would have to grow in order to grab it and be hauled over the wall by my companions. It is too late tho. The volley of arrows and spears is TOO heavy. Just the slightest give on my part and I wouldnt make it. I have to stay behind the shield. Maybe, just maybe, my companions will lower the rope for me. But by the time they realize I need it, by the time they see that it is just out of my reach, my shield may be broken in two and the largest spear of all could be in my heart. That is how I see myself, in a metaphorical Iliad type war scene, ;).

Well, goodnight again! I have to take a shower and head to bed because gosh it is late!!! So happy Wednesday to everyone!!
Maddi
xxx

Monday, March 15, 2010

Where am I? Or better yet, who am I?

heyo! I like sprucing up the look of my blog with artwork when I dont have anything fun like neat food pictures. :) I drew this peacock as a Christmas present for my mum. :)

Today, lets see. I had a third piece of dry toast for breakfast, I dont even know why I bothered because that accounts for like, nothing. I guess because I have heard that your metabolism slows down if you skip breakfast. I dont honestly know if thats fact tho!! Lunch was snap peas, which I scarved down real fast because I had a phone appointment with my bestie! :) Yup, thats right, since Mary is on spring break we decided to talk during my lunch break!

It was really fun to talk to Mary, it felt kind of like she was back at school! We talk every day via text, and at least once a week live, but we werent able to connect yesterday, so I texted her last night and told her we could talk at lunch! :) I went to the field on the other side of the building, which I am not sure is allowed, but whatever. ;) We just chatted for a half hour as I walked around. I gave her the latest news, like as of today, and she didnt really have much to tell me because shes on break and nothing at all is really happening. But it was so fun and the end came too soon.

After school the second i walked in the door my mom handed me the phone and it was Mary again!! lol, I was quite surprised. She was calling so we could come up with a "code" for texting when we are talking about our bad "things." We couldnt talk for long but it was really funny and we laughed quite a bit, which was so nice. Laughing is always so nice, and when I laugh it is all the better because i hardly ever have reason to genuinely laugh.

I went and took my drivers ed test, test 9, and passed, no problemo, then I had to walk to the Eastmont park where my mom was with the kiddos because I had finished the test in 10 min, rather than the expected 25. It was nice tho to get some forced exercise because I was feeling quite lazy and i dont think I would have gone on a walk today. Too bad for Chiro, who I am sure really enjoys his walks!!

Soooo, I have NOT been having good body image or self worth feelings at all! Last night I cut myself, just once, not even deep. :/ I hate writing that. I HATE that I did that. I absolutely do. But I think I did because I felt sooo unexplainabley guilty that I am falling and choosing to not pick myself up. I cant put so much blame on myself tho...last time I did I was close enough to not making it...I dont want to feel that way again. I also took a sharpie and wrote "fat", and 'gross" on my thigh. Honestly, it looked that way to me! Ewks, I just couldnt stand it, feeling so large, when all I wanted to do was shrink!! O, speaking of that i have a good metaphore for it, but i will put that in my next post, hopefully I will remember to.
Snicker!! :)
I had a mini snickers bar as my afternoon snack and I dont know what I will do for dinner. Maybe an oatmeal packet, maybe a piece of dried toast. Idk, but tomorrow I will up my calories to a minimum amount, which is more enjoyable because then I can eat dinner, therefore not rising questions from my mom about whether or not I am eating because I always feel so bad when she asks me that, like I am failing her but there is nothing I can do about it. :/

Tomorrow my aunt and cousin from Kentucky are coming to visit!! I am excited to see them!! I am also happy that tomorrow I will be on a cal intake that will allow me to eat a normal sized dinner so I wont get any questions from them. That would be just plain awkward because they dont know I have an ED, at least I dont think they do.

I really should be off, I still have a lot of stuff to do, and I will probs be going to bed earlier then not, so tootles!
Maddi
xxx
P.S. The title of this post really has about nothing to do with what I wrote about, well maybe a little. But I think its a line from a book and I like it!:)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice. :)

Just some artwork I decided to post to put some pretty color on my page! ;)

Happy Sunday!! As far as eating goes, well, it waas nOT GOOD! :/ I totally pigged out when I got home from the homeshow, then i felt horribly guilty and went for a run and did cardio pilates, then after this post i am going to do some more cardio pilates. Buuut, the whole day hasnt been bad!

Church this morning was REALLY good. It was about Jesus return and how we need to completely turn away from our sin, we cant just hope to drift down the river and end up with Him. I felt bad, just that I am going into my ED, and not leaving it behind like our pastor was calling us to do with our sins...:/ But I am not a perfect human, and I get so depressed and it gets so hard to just make it through a day when I dont listen to my ED, so I cant let go of it, not until I feel safe...which hopefully someday, thru therapy and friends, and God too, I WILL feel safe. I really do believe it will happen. But ya, since I Am at this point listening to my ed, I will go workout some more. Good thing I am not feeling tired.

I cant believe it is like 6:30 already! ! Sheesh this day seems like its flying! And I never would usually say this but I cant wait till tomorrow because it is soooo much easier for me to lose weight during the school week. i always seem to "mess up" on weekends because I dont have that schedule. So I really want Monday to be here, and I wish I could just skip the weekends when i am trying to lose because they just make things complicated!!

I ask myself why on earth I am going backwards, and choosing to relapse and not maintain. The answer to that is I dont know how to handle life right now. Its so weird, I was never really happy. i can look back on the years before this and say to myself, "I was so happy then! If I would just get rid of this stupid ED I could be happy again. Dont I want my old life back??" The answer to that is no. I wasnt happy then. Really, I just was piling up the hard and hurt feelings within myself, I woudnt share them, and I wouldnt let them out. And if I did try to express them, i wasnt understood. I had no one. And I wonder why i suppressed my feelings so well then, and now I still keep them hidden, yet I need my ED to cope?? It seems like I would just get better at holding them in as I got older, but I guess the reason I cant without my ED is because the things to hold in just were getting worse. Like bad things happened, do happen, and I cant do anything about it so I take it out on myself, with starving myself, and if i mess up with that then I turn to harming myself. Its so complex... But I feel able to handle the pain better when I am starving myself, just another form of self-harm, without the permanent scars. :/

Anywhoo, this Sunday after church, which I already said was great, I drove us down to the Town Toyota Center to go to the home show. They had a ton of big inflatables, i wish I had my camera. We jumped around on those for a while, it was so fun. C and I raced on this one obstacle course type one and it was soooo hilarious!! I won, and afterwards C said I looked like a dolphin!! Haha, lol, I probly did, as I was just jumping and diving over all of the obstacles, so all she could see were my feet in the air!! Thats how I roll!!! lol, I laugh thinking about it!!! It was a lot of fun tho, then we walked aroung the booths and got a piece of candy at each and filled my sweaters pockets, mine in one pocket, and C's pieces in the other. lol, it got pretty heavy and bulgy so I just took it off and carried it! :) Ya, I kinda pigged out on like 6 chocolate pieces later....argh, I wasnt even hungry so it makes me mad that I did!! O well, I worked out, am going to more, and i am not going to exceed 600 cals tomorrow so I can make up for todays out-of-control-ness.

After the homeshow I finished The Last Battle. SUch an amazingly good book! Omy gawsh, I absolutely loved it!!
I also baked Sugar and Spice cake yesterday!! Yum! Although baking is a good time killer on those days when I am trying to lose weight and am just waiting for the hour when i can go to bed, it is also bad because this cake was so good I had a big piece today! I was planning to not eat any! :( But it WAS good, so I didnt miss out I suppose. Whatever!

Well, I shall be off to do another CP workout, then take a shower to SHAVE, yes sorry, TMI, but it has been a while! ;) And then I will do some math hw I have from missing Saturday and by the time all that is said and done it should be about bedtime! Thanks for reading my blog you people who do, lol, even if its just one person it would still make me happy! :)
Maddi
xxx

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sunny Saturday! :)

Ello! Today, until I have to babysit my two little cousins, I just get to RELAX!! Yay!! and ya, this is a early post time for me, I usually wait till the day is mostly over, but since I am babysitting this evening I might as well do it now. Its almost 11 and I am still in my pjs! Aw, its nice to have mom and dad and the little kids gone for a while! Nice and QUIET! :) I got to sleep in also, which is the first time in forever. Soooo, I dont really have much to post about. i will take a walk later, to get out and enjoy the sunshine, and I will also work on some art for Agape Adoptions. Then I might finish the Last Battle, and just find some other stuff to do until babysitting. Last night I watched the movie Amelia. It was pretty good but really slow, so I was constantly dosing off! Haha, but I watched it till the end. Its sad how she just disappeared and they still, even today, have no clue where...Freaky to think about. But there were some good lines, I want to watch it again and put some in my common place journal, which I decided to start one because the 9th graders at TRA have them and they are pretty cool. Just a good place to put good, funny, inspirational, thoughtful lines and quotes.

With eating and weight I know I am not in the right place, it doesnt take a genius to see that, but I dont want to gain weight until I am ready. And I know, there is the argument that I will never be ready, but i will. Sometimes it just takes longer for some people than others, but it will happen, I know. I no longer am using the excuse of going to gymnastics to keep my weight up tho, because soon I will have a job, then it will be summer and I wont be able to go anyway, then there will be college and i will be too busy. So either way its not going to work for me to go. :/ Lame sauce. I dont want to let people down, but this is my battle, and I will fight it, just...i dont know, i guess just not right now. Right now with everything in my life i am just content to be in my ED.

Well, I am watching a episode of Grey's Anatomy. Its been a while since I have bothered to get online to watch this show, its just been so...over the top weird lately, so I havent really been interested, but today i am treating myself to being lazy! ;) For a while that is, then a walk and some chores and some drawing!
Have an amazing weekend everyone!!
Maddi
xxx

Heres a couple pictures for the adoption agency:The words say 'Unconditional Love'

Friday, March 12, 2010

Thoughts...feelings...

Hullo, back to blogging. i didnt yesterday really just because I didnt have time, and even if I did i wouldnt have been able to because Garrison was on the computer from the moment i got home from school till the moment I left for drivers ed!! :/Soooo, ya....I have a lot to write, and this may take a while, bleh...

First yesterday. So I woke up at 1:30, I guess because when you are starving you do that, wake up alot in the night that is, so I woke up and ate..Ya, I ate, finally more than 300 cals in one sitting. Ugh, and i read The Horse And His Boy as I ate. Speaking of that, I had been reading thru the whole series before my ED ever started and I never finished them. But i remember it was a good memory to just sit in my beanbag in my room listening to Enya while I read. I felt so happy at that time. Like where did that happy feeling go???Why is it that now, even tho I am older and more mature I cant just hold back any bad feelings and just be happy??? I wish I could...Off subject, so I read, then went back to bed, and woke up again at around 4:45 and couldnt get back to sleep. And finally did and felt really gross and feverish so my mom let me sleep in an hour. Then I went to school and had a biology test, which sucked slightly because I thought the vocab was multiple choice and it was NOT!! :S But whatever, I'm sure I at least got a B. And if i didnt then I would make an appeal!

For the rest of the day I just continued to eat a lot. I guess I wanted to gain weight...maybe I was just so hungry that I did it...maybe I didnt want to have lost weight at my T session which was today...maybe i just wanted the thrill of loosing it again...I dont have the answers, but in any case the day, as far as eating, was miserable as I look back on it because i am regreting it. But I need to look to the future, and realize that most of it, not all tho, is food weight. if I dont eat anything tomorrow then i will be back to where I was, and I can continue to lose weight like I was. :( I'm so messed up. But maybe because of my appt. today I feel like I can organize how I am thinking better?? Idk.

I did some art after school for Agape Adoptions, and I actually need to send it to her tonight, I will post pics of it tomorrow. That was good, and I also finished The Horse and His Boy. I love those books, but they are such short reads it is almost kind of sad! ;)

I dunno, school is so....unbearable sometimes. But Wed. night my mom and I went to a running start meeting and learned about it and I already have a date set to take the Compass test, and my hope is to take 3 college classes, and then I wouldnt have to take any anywhere else, like Eastmont. The only thing that makes me sad is I would have to get my highschool diploma from Eastmont rather than TRA, which is pathetic considering I have been there forever. :/ But that isnt enough of a reason to stay there! So I am excited and also nervous about this big change. :)

Ok, so I want to lose weight, and i have been wanting to do this for a while but keep stopping myself from doing it, usually half way thru, with reasons like: if I lose weight i cant do gymnastics, and I cant have a dog, and I cant do swimteam. But those reasons are pathetic I see now because I will be in college and wont have time for gymnastics because I will be(hopefully) working at the hospital, and I wont have time to take care of a puppy either. So i will lose weight, and stop using those things as my reason to not. I should gain weight when I actually WANT to, which is why i dont understand why i ever did in the first place...i guess it was just those things. And i wont be too weak for college because at my lowest weight, believe it or not, i was working 12 hour days of hard labor in the orchards!!!! i still cant believe i did that....and am alive....So I WILL lose weight, and keep it off until I am actually ready to FULLY recover, because I am so sick and tired of this constant up and down, starving then stuffing, thing. :( So tired of it...

Other than driving over the pass for my session nothing else notable happened today except a several mile long walk. I wish i had the stamina to run that far, it would burn so many more calories. I took this walk when i got home. We stopped at Trader Joes and I got a southwest salad for lunch without the dressing. And I got a couple Larabars i havent tried yet, and the carrot cake clif bar because i have heard it is good.

So about my appointment. I dont want to talk much about it...i dunno, i guess I feel like it is mine, like I dont want to share it with anyone. But I can say that it was so much different, but so much better, than any one that I have had yet. Like ya, I am still 100% stuck in my ED, so it wasnt helpful in that sense, like not immediately at least, but I think it was a big step. Like we hit on something big, something that i never told anyone...but I told her today....and I just want to relive it...like its hard to explain, but i was safe. I felt safe. I dont feel that right now, but I feel better, and I have this memory now...and its so....i just cant really put it in words. And I think I feel really scared right now to because I told her something i never thought i would tell anyone, not that its a bad thing! but i never thought i would and now it scares me to know that i did and i could get hurt, i dont even know how, but i could from letting my need be known...like i am so afraid to ask for anything, least of all help....Like when you gain weight you know you CAN lose it, but when you tell someone something you CANT untell it. So no, i dont regret today, at all, but i am afraid something will happen that will make me want to take back all that I said...And I cried today too...I have never cried at a T appt. I havent cried in a long time. My eyes well up but I always hold back the tears but today i cried, not a lot, but still. *sigh*

Well, I WILL lose weight, and this time not stop half way then stuff myself. I know, its not right, but its what i need right now for some reason. Well, off to do something, maybe watch a movie, or do cardio pilates, or draw, or take a shower, or read The Last Battle because I read The Magicians Nephew today.

Some eats from yesterday:
vanilla yogurt topped with homemade granola and frozen blueberries. :)
Cucumbers and hummus. ahhh, tasty.
French dip sandwhich!!
Off for the night now!
Maddi
xxx

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

EDnesday..:/

Soooo, this seems a bit early in the day to be posting, but I am afraid I am not gonna get another chance, so I better fly with it! ;) I have a big biology test to study for, then my mom and I are going to the running start meeting at 6:30. Usually I put studying off until later, but lately I havent had the energy to stay up for that "later", so I need to get that done now, and I really need an A! I have an A in that class, but its a low one, so I just want to ensure that it will stay there!! Mostly I just need to memorize the vocab words and that is fairly easy. I also have a math assignment. :/
Last nights dinner was mango chicken stirfry. I had a half cup of the stir fry w/ out chicken, and 1/4 cup white rice. The mango was delicious! my mom said it was better fresh tho, and unfortunately I had to wait till after drivers ed to eat it. Also I was trying to enjoy my dinner and my mom comes and checks on me so I tell her to please leave me be and instead she just blows up in my face and tells me I am being paranoid and selfish and I was supposed to read books to Samuel!!I was NOT being paranoid, I just wanted to enjoy my dinner without her standing over my shoulder! Whats the matter with that?!?!? And I was sooo hungry, i just wanted to eat first, THEN I would have read to Samuel. Its not like it takes me that long to eat, and it would have been much faster if she hadnt so rudely interrupted! bleh....

So I have been feeling tired today, but not as much, and I didnt have any of those weird chest pains. I had a garlic chicken lean pocket today-minus the chicken, and a mini luna bar-yum! Also I just finished a peanut butter TLC bar for snack. I also had one last night at like 9 because I was so below my cal minimum that I decided I should try to get a little bit closer at least. So I did, and I felt bad afterward, but my body really needed it. For breakkie I made what I did yesterday, my blended blueberry creation.

Abbi and I might go see Alice in Wonderland this Saturday. I'm not sure. Is it worth seeing in theaters?? I just dont have money to spend on seeing movies in the theaters, so I am very picky about the movies i see.

Well, i didnt have a lot to say...but I should go and study like I need to, and I am glad I just get to lay down and relax a bit. So ya, have a good Thursday!!
Maddi
xxx

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What should i title this post? ;)

heyo. This mornings breakfast was so yummy, such a good subsitute for the oatmeal that I cant have till Friday morning. I blended 3/4 cup frozen blueberries with a tiny bit of water in my magic bullet, then stuck it in a bowl and put 1/4 cup homemade granola on top!! Mmmm, this was so so good, and I was so excited that I had thought of it. (and again I had oats, hehe, just not in oatmeal form, lol)
mmmm, this was so good, I will have it tomorrow morning for sure!! :)

School was ok. In Mr. T's two classes we just did computer work and I read some blogs when i was finished. Also my team won the villa building competition(thanks to me and my detailing with the exacto knife) so we won candy bars. I chose Snickers, and I am still slowly enjoying it!!
Ahh, i used to not like snickers but now i love em!! It took me almost two hours to finish this! ;) (i just got back from a interruption of writing this post btw.)

Abbi and I had a great talk. She told me how she opened up to her T yesterday, and we also talked just about how our ED's really started, like what the big event that triggered them was. For lunch I had a cookies and cream cliff builder bar. Perty good, but not amaze.
Not the best, but a pretty wrapper! :)
Last nights dinner. This wasnt mine, mine didnt have meat on it and was a lot less, so I took a picture of this one because it was pretty. It was sooo yummy, also with some yummy flat-bread my mom made, that I ate a little ripped off piece of.

Today was a art day, fun as usual, then I came home and did all my drivers ed hw, she gave us a ton of reading.

Well, I am definitely feeling the effects of not eating as much as i should be, but I just dont ever feel like eating! Like seriously, I havent even been looking in the mirror hardly because I know I am really thin, I dont even need to check. Its not really about wanting to look thin, its just about wanting to lose weight and like not eat...i dont know why, but my ED really has me in its grips. I just dont feel like eating. I havent even been hitting the minimum...:/ Last night I woke up at like 4:30 and had chest pains, and I just shrugged that off, and it didnt last very long at all, then that happened again today during math, then again during art. Like its not super painful but it hurts enough for me to notice...and its just on the left side which kinda scares me...ive never felt that before. i just really am a bit scared because i dont want to lose weight, I dont really want to go back down this path, but i am anyway, and i cant stop, even tho I know that i actually can. Its like i want to but i dont want to. Argghh, its so hard....And karli hasnt been texting me to ask how food things are going...:/ Well, i suppose she did Sunday, and i DID tell her not to ask every day. But I feel like someone should know how little I am eating. During my T apt. Dr. K. said I could email her my eats from the day, so i might just do that tonight, and just see how that goes. :/ I am starving but i dont feel hungry. And I am so tired, all I want to do is lay down and sleep, but i cant because I have drivers ed, which i have to leave for in a few...so ya, its just hard...i am so weak...i just want to lay down...but no, I have to finish this day, then tomorrow, then the next day, if i make it that far...:/

Well, this was NOT a very cheery post at all, but its how I'm feeling...so whatever. i must be going tho, have a great Wednesday everyone! Second to last school day for me since i have a T appt. in Seattle Friday. So ya, buh bye!
Maddi
xxx

Monday, March 8, 2010

A start to a busy busy week.

I obviously didnt post yesterday, although I really wanted to, but I got home at about 11 and so I was waaayy too tired! Gosh, I still am tired! Sooo, on to yesterday and todays events.

Yesterday my day started bright and early. I would have seriously liked to have slept in a bit more since I am so behind on sleep buut, that didnt happen. So I woke up around 6:30 ish, and wandered upstairs...and had breakfast. No oatmeal tho!!

So, to explain, I didnt have oatmeal because in my bible class my teacher is having us do this little project. The assignment was to pick something we love and do/have regularly and give it up from Sunday till Friday, when we can have it again. Sooo, I chose to give up oatmeal. Crazy, I know!!!! Anyway, its like a lesson in self-control, which I obviously have...anyone with an ED does...But I have to do it for a grade, and I suppose I am going thru the oattie a bit fast, so it wont hurt the food budget. ;] But back to my Sunday...

For breakfast instead i had the muffins I made Saturday night. Oatmeal Cranberry muffins(so I suppose I DID eat oatmeal. lol, I hope that doesnt really count...I suppose it does tho, oops! lol) These muffins are soooo good!! It was my first time making them, I will make them again, probly this Saturday so that we can have them for breakfast Sunday. :] I also had some applesauce over frosted mini wheats. Yummers! :] The cute bracelet from Abbi. I usually dont like unsemetric/unperfect bracelets but this is so beautiful anyway!! Kind of like a statement that imperfect is beautiful, sometimes even more so then perfect! I love this bracelet, I am going to be wearing it all the time!
Yesterdays lunch. Vanilla Almond Cliff Builders bar. mmmm, I didnt really like the top layer, it just tasted like, well, protein, so I ate the top off first then had the bottome, and it was yummy and I could taste almonds. :)
My awesome possum hair. Not a great pic, it was a lot prettier in person if i may say so myself. I had them french braid it in two on the top. Love it, sad I have to take it out tonight, :(
Cliff Bar love!! Chocolate chip flavor, and I REALLY want to try the carrot cake flavor. I have heard its fab!

Well, off to the rest of my night. Some sort of chinese noodle thing for dinner. Love all of you bloggers to bits! <3>

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Falling or Flying??

I AM ALIVE!!! Just liked this picture and thought i would put it on here. Everyone needs a hand to be pulled up.

Today was just another day...but FINALLY I got Mary's b-day package and Maya and Eliza's package sent. And this morning I took a shower, and then drove to the grocery store with my mom. Didnt get anything special tho, she was just getting some ingredients for dinner, which is Quick Pepperpot Soup. And only about 200 cal for a serving, so i am thrilled! hmmm, I took a loverly walk till about 5:15, and it was so nice and sunny, and there were so many people out enjoying the sun. :) Chiro came along too, I always take him with me. I sent my Agape Adoption ideas off. They are just quick sketched, i took zero time on them, the point was just for Miriam to get an idea, and lead me on from there. For breakie I had a bowl of Kashi cold cereal with frozen blueberries on top, I LOVE frozen blueberries on hot AND cold cereal. :)

For lunch I had the cheese thing I made the other day, because we still had veggies. My tummy is still paying for it tho. I need to take a few days off from all dairy, being lactose intolerant and all. I had cheese Thursday, then more cheese bc pizza yesterday, and icecream last night, and then more cheese today, so my tummy REALLY doesnt feel ok. :( :( i was hoping the walk would help but it didnt really. Maybe some of the healthy spinach/okra/carrot soup will help. Mmmm, my mom is taking FOREVER to make dinner tonight. :/ but ya, definitly I am going to stay away from dairy for a while.

Tomorrow should be a very fun day. I am going to leave church a little early so that I can go to Pasco with my friend Christina from gym to watch her and Katie's last meet. I am so excited, I really cant wait!! And food wont really be an issue because I can have my breakfast and lunch at home, I am packing a Cliff Builders bar-vanilla almond kind, that i cant wait to try- , and if dinner is fast food that is ok because i did my research to see what is the lowest calorie on all of the menus. Like actual things, so i dont look like a freak when I order a salad or whatever. Although I have heard that McD's salads arent bad...:) I super duper cant wait tho! I am going to wear my little aerie shorts under my big baggy gymnastics sweatpants so if i am hot i can take the pants off, and i am going to wear my team warm ups jacket. :) Yay, this will be so fun, I love these two girlies. :)

hmmm, there was something else I wanted to write about...hmmm, now I cant think of it...anyway, heres some of the doodles, then I need to go eat dinner. If I think of what it was maybe I will just make a "mini" post.
Good night!
Maddi
xxx

Friday, March 5, 2010

Finally Friday!!!

Hiya! This(below) was my hair for the day. I loved the little ribbon. Mrs. Lindman said it was very French. I looooove French clothing style, so that made me happy that it reminded her of that! :) :) I love wearing cute bows and headbands! Specifically bows tho.
Yay, it is FINALLY Friday! Bleh, it seemed to take so stinking long, but I am thankful it is here!! I just have some highlights to point out, and a couple foodie pics. Today's been a happy day tho, and I dont really want to go on and on about ed stuff as I usually do. So just the basics and the good stuff!

Today started out as usual, just boring and blah and whatever, but biology was fine because i finished the work sheet, which involved the computer, so when i finished i just read blogs and whatever. :) Haha, then I texted Mary a little, then Karli, who is on her way to Hawaii, actually she has probly arrived. We had a bible test, which i think i did ok, and during math we went outside and while the class played kickball Madison and I walked around the game bc neither of us like kick-ball! It was funny, we were coming up with names that would fit people! :) After that was lunch, I ate that Larabar, yummers, and Abbi and I had a great talk. Every day our talks just get better and better! She changed thereapists, thank goodness, and she really like the person she has now! yay, this will be so good for her!

The last two classes of the day Mr. T let us go outside, and I played some four square and laid on the grass.

After school Kimberly came home with us. We went to Starbucks and both bought a skinny cinnamon dolce latte and split a morning bun, so goood! But that wasnt the best part! The best part was our convo! I decided i am going to sit with her class during lunch, since i always feel like such a stranger sitting with my class anyway, and also kimberly and I are going to work on getting Lydia to stop always making such rude comments about peoples actions and appearances, because it is really bringing kim down. Also I am going to head up a little bible/book study with Kimberly and Abbi, which will hopefully succeed in bringing us closer to God AND bring the two of them back together because they used to be good friends before Abbi's ordeal, which i am not saying is over, but its a lot better. We would meet like once a month at a cafe or something and just hang out and talk about God and our lifes. I am so excited, now I have something to live for! Now the days wont just be the same, over and over again, because the same boring routine just leads me down the wrong path. As I have already discovered...So this should be great, i am going to try to find a good book tonight, maybe call Mrs. Harken to see if she has some suggestions.

As far as food goes i am still trying to lose weight. :/ I dont even really know why, its like i just hate eating! Its all so disordered, i used to always want to be eating before all of this, and now yes i enjoy it when i have something tasty, but all in all i dont even want it....So ya, I suppose I am struggling in that area, but maybe these changes I am making in my day to day life will affect me and this in a good way??? I sure hope!

Tonight, when Kimberly gets back from dance, we will make pizza...which i dont want buuut, i really want her to believe i am healing, because me and Abbi BOTH being anorexic is tough on her, so I want to be strong for her. After dinner we are probs going to do some art. She needs to make a birthday card for her mum, and i need to make the designs for Agape Adoptions, because they really are needing them now! Then we will watch a movie most likely, and just have fun! The first half of our time was all serious talk about school, relationships, and God, and the second half we are just gonna have fun!

Heres a couple eats, :)
My cheesey pleasey meal. I still cant believe I ate that! It seems so unreal! :) The cold leftover veggies on top really made it amaze...i suppose i was a little sparse on the cheese, but not too bad!!
LARABAR! :) Cashew cookie kind. I like apple pie better, but this was still fantastic! I am saving all the wrappers until i have one of every flavor. Two down, who knows how many to go! I will get a different flavor every time tho until i have tried them all. Its fun to draw them out..makes it more special!
WEll, off to stick the pizza in the oven!
Maddi
xxx

Thursday, March 4, 2010

The endless day...

I wanted to post today..then I decided to go to bed instead...then i changed my mind and now I am posting. :P I dont really know what to say, so I will just go through my day I guess and see if anything comes to me. I cant even remember what I wrote about last night. Lack of nutrition is maybe making me less able to remember things? Oh ya, I went to gym last night. That was great...I felt strong. And my ride was a half hour late so I got to do some more tumbling! That was fun. :O) I stayed up really late last night too, almost till 12. I was just so busy, running around, trying to keep my mind off weight gain, etc...I didnt really do anything important, just stuff to keep me busy while I didnt eat. :/ I took a super long shower, read Dear John for a while, emailed a good friend...idk, lots of random stuff like that.

On to today. My body image was a little better, not much, but since my weight dropped it wasnt so bad. By tomorrow morning I will be where i want to be. Well, not really...I would still want to be X pounds lighter...but I know right now thats not an option. Or at least I dont want it to be...I hit almost 900 cals today, i was at 300, but then i decided i really should eat at least some so that I will be more fun when Kimberly comes over tomorrow. I cant wait, i havent spent time with her in a while.

Today was ENDLESS!!!! I am not even kidding! I finally feel like it is over, because now I can go to bed whenever I want, but omg, I hated it! School was miserable, I was so tired from the lack of sleep the past two night, and the fact I had only had a 50 cal breakfast, and I just felt drained, emotionally and physically. And it didnt help that my math teacher made a super RUDE and HUMILIATING comment when I asked him a question. i almost burst into tears. :( So ya, that was just dandy. :/ I read Dear John all during bible class. we have a test tomorrow so I should have been listening and taking notes but guess what??Notes dont help at all, even tho he has all the tests be open note!! grrrr, he is such an awful teacher....so glad we are getting a new bible teacher so I can actually learn about the Bible, which i want to do! Wait, im not going there next year...nvm. Walking the field with Abbi was good. i felt tired, duh, but it was still so good. Apparently her big bro got expelled from NSA for getting a little drunk at a friends house. So pathetic that they expelled him for that! geez... Not like i agree with drinking AT ALL, but give the kid some room! For crying out loud he is in college and its his life! :/ I told her about the nightmare I had a few nights ago...this dream was awful...i hate thinking about it...i was so weak, i kept collapsing, and people would ask if i was ok and i would just shrug it off and pretend it was nothing, and that i just was wanting to sit or whatever. The worst part was I couldnt pick up Naomi...and i remember seeing a pained look on my dads face one of the times i collapsed near the stairs. Is this a foreshadowing of what could be coming?? God, i pray not! :( It was a awful dream...I woke up pretty shaken...

The rest of the day was uneventful till after school. Karli and I went to Starbucks. I just got water and drank like none. But we talked for a good hour and a half, and it was just so good, and i told her a lot, and how i dont really know where i am with recovery right now...and we talked about how i am on the escalator...i dont feel like i am losing ground...but since i am definitely not moving forward i must be...i just cant tell yet. Hopefully i tell before it is too late. :/ Anyway, i asked her for help in helping me to eat. I dont have meals with anyone, except maybe lunch with the girls in my class, and so i dont have anyone to be sure i am eating...and i am usually not..and i lie to my mom all the time about how i am doing because i dont want to worry her. So i asked karli for help, and she is just going to contact me every so often and just ask how food things are going...i think it will be good, i want to be completely honest with her, and no little white lies. I hate lieing...i hate that my ED has turned me into a person who lies about food, and weight. i HATE that. Anyway, i feel like maybe i am struggling a bit with life, but i dont know why?? Like everything should be fine, but for some reason it isnt...I have a phone T app. tomorrow morning tho, so i will express some of these thoughts to her.

I passed my test at drivers ed...I finished Dear John while I ate dinner tonight, which, by the way, i had cheese!!!! First time in FOREVER!!! I just made myself a damn, ;), quesadilla(sp?), and put some stir fried onions and peppers in it, and ate it!! I was having second thoughts as i made it, but then it was made so i didnt have much a choice. I felt happy after i did that...I know it might be a very long time before I ever have cheese again...but for some reason i did tonight...and the experience was strange. Maybe i will do it again sometime? :) Idk...but i lived! Sooooo, I should probs head to bed..tho i dont feeel tired i am sure i am... heres a few pics then i am off!
Dear John!! read one chapter yesterday and read the rest today!! lol, it was a heartbreaker for sure, but good to the end! <3K, this is totally random, but last year Mary and I were totally freaking out about germs after Mr. T told us a nasty story, so we went to the storage room and got our own bottles of hand-sanitizer to carry around with us through out the day. I put a lable on mine, but it disappeared last year and i didnt expect to ever see it again but i was in the locker room this morning and i saw it on a shelf in there! Like it just showed up! Such a funny memory..haha, i just had to snap a pic! lol....The bars I bought at Top Foods. Yum! I ate the Mojo bar today, and i liked it a lot! I am a fan of all these new bars i have been trying! :)
The "MOJO" bar. Fruit and nut kind. I really liked it, the fruits and nuts were so flavorful. Mmmm, nom nom!
Thats it for tonight, I probs wont post tomorrow unless i can while the girls are at dance because Kimberly will be here till late. So goodnight!
Maddi
xxx
P.S.
The hersheys bar is NOT one that i bought!!! I would never buy cheapy chocolate like that, its not even dark, so i dont know if i will eat it, but i found it at school yesterday. Lucky me I guess...maybe i will give it to someone, idk. i have never had hersheys with almonds and i wonder if it is any good!