Where am I? Or better yet, who am I?

heyo! I like sprucing up the look of my blog with artwork when I dont have anything fun like neat food pictures. :) I drew this peacock as a Christmas present for my mum. :)

Today, lets see. I had a third piece of dry toast for breakfast, I dont even know why I bothered because that accounts for like, nothing. I guess because I have heard that your metabolism slows down if you skip breakfast. I dont honestly know if thats fact tho!! Lunch was snap peas, which I scarved down real fast because I had a phone appointment with my bestie! :) Yup, thats right, since Mary is on spring break we decided to talk during my lunch break!

It was really fun to talk to Mary, it felt kind of like she was back at school! We talk every day via text, and at least once a week live, but we werent able to connect yesterday, so I texted her last night and told her we could talk at lunch! :) I went to the field on the other side of the building, which I am not sure is allowed, but whatever. ;) We just chatted for a half hour as I walked around. I gave her the latest news, like as of today, and she didnt really have much to tell me because shes on break and nothing at all is really happening. But it was so fun and the end came too soon.

After school the second i walked in the door my mom handed me the phone and it was Mary again!! lol, I was quite surprised. She was calling so we could come up with a "code" for texting when we are talking about our bad "things." We couldnt talk for long but it was really funny and we laughed quite a bit, which was so nice. Laughing is always so nice, and when I laugh it is all the better because i hardly ever have reason to genuinely laugh.

I went and took my drivers ed test, test 9, and passed, no problemo, then I had to walk to the Eastmont park where my mom was with the kiddos because I had finished the test in 10 min, rather than the expected 25. It was nice tho to get some forced exercise because I was feeling quite lazy and i dont think I would have gone on a walk today. Too bad for Chiro, who I am sure really enjoys his walks!!

Soooo, I have NOT been having good body image or self worth feelings at all! Last night I cut myself, just once, not even deep. :/ I hate writing that. I HATE that I did that. I absolutely do. But I think I did because I felt sooo unexplainabley guilty that I am falling and choosing to not pick myself up. I cant put so much blame on myself tho...last time I did I was close enough to not making it...I dont want to feel that way again. I also took a sharpie and wrote "fat", and 'gross" on my thigh. Honestly, it looked that way to me! Ewks, I just couldnt stand it, feeling so large, when all I wanted to do was shrink!! O, speaking of that i have a good metaphore for it, but i will put that in my next post, hopefully I will remember to.
Snicker!! :)
I had a mini snickers bar as my afternoon snack and I dont know what I will do for dinner. Maybe an oatmeal packet, maybe a piece of dried toast. Idk, but tomorrow I will up my calories to a minimum amount, which is more enjoyable because then I can eat dinner, therefore not rising questions from my mom about whether or not I am eating because I always feel so bad when she asks me that, like I am failing her but there is nothing I can do about it. :/

Tomorrow my aunt and cousin from Kentucky are coming to visit!! I am excited to see them!! I am also happy that tomorrow I will be on a cal intake that will allow me to eat a normal sized dinner so I wont get any questions from them. That would be just plain awkward because they dont know I have an ED, at least I dont think they do.

I really should be off, I still have a lot of stuff to do, and I will probs be going to bed earlier then not, so tootles!
Maddi
xxx
P.S. The title of this post really has about nothing to do with what I wrote about, well maybe a little. But I think its a line from a book and I like it!:)