Falling apart....

Geez, today has been a day...a more than crappy day....First, in the morning my mom started yelling at me, then told me to find another family, whatever, ya, shit, and I did pass the compass test, so that was good, all the school things today were good but anything and everything at home was bad. So very bad....I binged and purged tonight, then as punishement cut my arm, TWICE!! Ah, geez, i have never done it twice! :( I'm so freaked out, I cant control myself it seems, and with K in Mexico I have noone at all to tell my probs to, not even Mary because lately she has just been getting mad at me for not listening to her advice, and she told me i was just giving up. hell, if only she knew how hard it was and how hard i have been fighting, but as of tonight i just want to give up and die. I wish it worked that way, that when you were ready to be done with life you just could be...but God decides, not us. Sometimes i wish it were our choice tho! I dont know what i will do tomorrow, maybe not eat at all, maybe run away in the morning and just be gone all day for the sake of just getting away from the hell of my house, maybe just sleep all day since i have been feeling sick all day today, and its not like throwing up helped that at all. Sorry, this is such a dissapointing post, especially compared to the last one. I just need to learn to deal with hard things that are beyond my control in a way that doesnt harm me. It just hurst so bad when my mom yells at me then tells me to find another family....:( Goodnight.
Maddi
xxx