I'm still alive.

Well, hello. I totally went AWOL, but I am still here. Starting on Friday I have jusy been having a dreadful awful horrendous time but I am now past the worst. And no, i havent lost weight. Actually instead one of the days this weekend I totally binged, then from that I realized that my body is trying to tell me something: its not getting enough food!!! Also I realized just how much i am ready to be done with the horribe disease, so I gained x more pounds. Still a tad bit away from that ideal number, but I dont think i have to exactly be there as long as my body feels happy. I am going to stay at this weight now, as much as my ED is telling me I am fat, I will stay here and do what is healthy for me. i really wonder if I will get my period back at this weight...I kind of hope because it like confirms that I am at a good weight, even tho my ED tells me I am fat if I do get it. He really isnt that important to me right now tho. Ha, take that ED. But really, I have felt so awful the last few days, part of that just has to do with being sick, ppart just I was/am so depressed. Its getting better, but gah, I was so tired and weak. I stayed in bed hhalf the day yesterday, then took a really long walk, then we went to dinner at a friends house and I watched The Prestige there. Good movie!

There is so much mentally going on inside me right now. Things arent good at all but I believe getting better. I was def. suicidal on Sat. but I told my friend K via email that i was NOT ok, and she was able to some how call me even tho she is in Mexico. And i seriously think that may have saved me. There are so many thoughts running through my head, about relationships with my parents, and how my childhood is affecting me so much, and how I want a relationship with God. K said I am putting a wall around my heart. I dont love myself so I cant accept other peoples love. I suppose that is more than true. K is probly the person I feel who cares about me the most yet I still find it so hard to believe that she really does care about me. i find it so hard to trust, love, and feel safe. All that is tied to my childhood, my family life then and now. Its beyond my control to change. This whole weekend of sadness started Friday when my mom said something terrible to me, and that was when I recieved a hard slap in the face that i cant do this alone. I cant go through all this pain I have alone. And realizing that was just devastating because I believed I was alone, but i am trying so hard to break down the wall and know that I am not alone. God is there, K said he is waiting for me to take his hand, WANTING me to take his hand. I want to take his hand, I just am not sure how, but I cant give up, because living in this darkness is killing me. It nearly killed me this weekend, if I dont take charge it will. I have to let go of faith in myself and put my faith to my Father instead. its just so hard.

Maddi

xxx