:/ Sometimes I just dont want to go on...

Ola! I dint post yesterday, I just didnt feel like it. Gosh, it seems like all the bloggers I am following are taking a little break!

Yesterday after school I turned myself around. I ate a lot!!!! Later i went to Cafe Mela with my cousin and Aunt. That was...interesting. I got a cinnamon muffin, and it was super good, but I was so full from earlier that I couldnt finish it. After we got home I had a good phone chat with Mary, it was so good. She just encouraged me to be ME, and not care what the girls think. I listened to that advice today, and, well, I felt happy at school for the first time in forever. Sorry, my thoughts are all jumbled right now so this post is going to not be very easily followed!! I bought a netbook from Costco today, I am using it right now and I love it! Now on to some rambling...

1. my happiness today: I felt so freed, so willing to just be me at school today. I spent a lot of time with Ali too, and she just is so happy it kind of rubs off on you anyway. i felt HAPPY! but what is happy?? Because now I am sooo sad! I was happy because:

• I was looking at the positives
• I felt like I had a good meal plan for the day that I was going to stick too(and I have succeeded ok so far, maybe just a little over)
• So many heavy hard feelings just werent present! Like it was as if they didnt exist...
• I was excited to get my net book

but now I am sad...because

• I found out my mom read my blog!
• my dad ignored me...
• i just feel LOST!!!

I hate me! I hate my body, I hate it so much, I wish I was just comfortable with it like the other girls...I hate me because of my inability to just not care. I feel sooo hurt. I just want to cry so bad, I just want to be held in someones arms and cry...I cant tho, I have noone. Not now at least, not here. I hate my family!!! I really do, I love them because they are my family, but I HATE the way they treat me. My mom was on the phone so much, my dad too, he is always doing work...Right now they are upstairs, my mom dad, clarissa, and my relatives, just talking, but when i was at the table there wasnt that natural conversation. They are laughing now. What is wrong with me??? Why cant I be treated normal? Why cant I just BE normal?? I want to cry, I just want to cry sooo bad. but there is no one....I dont even want to lose weight. Like ya, I could, but eff it, it doesnt help. When I crawl into my ED cave to get away from the problems, it doesnt fix them, it just makes it worse for when I come out of the cave. So why come out?? Because i HAVE to! Being in my ED just makes things worse, I know that is true, my mom tells me she isnt mad at me, and that it doesnt effect our relationship but what the hell?? What relationship??? I have ruined anything there may have been, ever....I want to leave. I want to escape from this life. i want to live with the Poages. Mrs. Poage would just hold me and let me cry. She would notice and care about me, she wouldnt have to intrude and read my blog the way my mom did to see that I am not ok. She would just know because she cares about me. And ya, i suppose my mom does to some degree, but its only because she has to, its just her responsibility. She has told me before that I should go live somewhere else. my dad has told me that before too. Too many times to count. I know they dont hate me, but they certainly dont love me. Yes, they love me because I am a person, and they have to as christians, but they dont...not in the same way. Efffffffffff, I just want OUT!!! I want to get away! no, I now know that loosing weight isnt the answer...i have found that out the hard way...looking sick on the outside is a picture of how I am doing on the inside, yes, but then that becomes the focus, and not what I really need. I hate hate hate hate hate going up and down, starving myself then changing my mind halfway thru............

How can a child have two parents who refuse to love them?? I just want to...hide...leave...I want to feel SAFE! I hate where I am, where I am not understood, I am not accepted, I am not protected...I am hardly even seen. I want to disapear because I have been treated like it would be best if I just would. But I also want to be seen. I want strong loving arms wrapped around me. tears are running down my cheeks but nobody sees........nobody knows....they are nobodys concern, i have to just take care of myself. i am TIRED of taking care of myself! I am tired of "being my own mom" I am tired of having to control my emotions because i cant let them out...

...thats how I feel...about my life, about my parents, about my siblings, about the people in my class, about the people who have abused me, about all the things i want to change but cant, about all the things i have such strong emotions about but I cant do a thing about...

Ah, well I should go...I stayed up late last night watching Amazing Grace, now I am watching the Secret Life of Bees. :( I think blogging does help me thi, i dont feel so much like crying anymore. It a way out. Also there is a story I want to write and maybe turn into a book.

goodnight,

Maddi

xxx