Well, back to blogging! I just didnt have ANY time yesterday! :p Like, I got home, had a too big snack, at least by my standards, took a loverly walk, :), and chatted with Mrs. Mugg who drove by, :), then I had to drive my sis to dance to get enough hours for my next drive, then went to the grocery store and picked out some DELICIOUS bars! :P Cant wait to try them...then went off to drivers ed, but bought a diet pepsi at Tony's first. I was so tired, I failed the test! :( Sucks so bad, I have to go in early Thursday to retake. Poop... So, I was planning to not eat much dinner, just like some salad, because I felt like I had been slowly gaining over the past few days, but lets just say that DID NOT WORK!!! :( I totally pigged out, and I still weigh a ton more then reality because of all that pop, and the sodium in the pop, so I havent had any movement of like any sort. :( Sorry, TMI, but I have decided that I am not going to drink pop again! lIke EVER! Because for one its high sodium, and it dehydrates you, and sucks the calcium from your bones and its just AWFUL! So I am so done with it! Anyhow, I ate a ton, a good 500 cal over what would be reasonable....And I felt horribly guilty...So I did something very bad....:/
I took a shower after I ate and came up with this idea...smart in my head but really VERY stupid, and I am lucky nothing bad happened!! So I said goodnight, and went downstairs and closed the door to the basement, which i normally do anyway, just last night i had a reason too...And I went and put on a pair of sweats...and my sports bra...and some tennis shoes...and my dark navy blue hoodie, only turned inside out so you couldnt see the big "LAmbert" on the back...And i did this! I made my bed look like I was in it, just under the covers a bit, bcause my mom usually comes down at some point to check on Naomi. Then I crawled out the basement window!! Good think I am small because its a very tight fit!! :P So, I got out, snuck away from the house, and ran! (this is at like 9:30) I ran up the street and down several blocks, then to Sunset Highway, which I crossed, and headed down towards the river, but not to the loop trail, instead I headed up the unlit street till I reached the Poages house. That was maybe a couple miles??? Idk, but it was almost scarier being on the streets with street lamps because then people would know that i was there...The super long and dark street up to the Poages house was nice and dark and I felt all alone and pretty safe. Anyway, I walked up to their house and saw karli's light was on so I texted her to see if she would admit she was awake, which she did, so I walked back home, texting her most of the way, and that was nice, just to know that if i did get murdered, at least i would have talked to someone!!! Seriously, i dont know what i was thinking...especially since that girl Mackenzie..and they dont know who did that....I am a bad girl.....And all that walking, plus the little exercising i did till midnight when i got back didnt seem to effect my weight!! I still weighed 3 pounds more than usual in the morning! :/ Arg!!!! Why do I care so much????
I cut back to 1200 cal today, and probly about 600 tomorrow, then I should be good...and I have gym today, so maybe that will help get things moving. it not so much that the number is bothering me...it could be higher. Its more the way I feel! Like, i am BIGGER!! Seriously, it isnt imagined! You cant imagine when you are measureing! But I talked to Abbi at lunch and she said that her doctors said that happens, and a few days after a big meal like that where you pork out, you just retain a lot of water and get a bloated feeling...So part of that is just bloating...but I'm afraid its not all!! I am not stopping the restricting until i get to a pound below where i was when this horrible night took place...:/ I am not proud of this...at all....
Anyway, on a better note, I wrote a letter to Abbi, just giving her encouragement because i could tell she was loosing, and telling her she could be honest with me and i just want to help, and i gave her some encourageing comments and things i have read that have helped me, like once i read, "no body equals no life" That is constantly a good reminder in my head!! So, I gave this note to her Monday after school, and Tuesday we did our usuall walk around the field and she opened up a lot more! Like, WOW, I feel like now she has told me the truth about what is really going on, instead of denying it like previously and pretending it wasnt really a problem. Poor thing has slipped a bit, she couldnt go to swim last night...and she had a docs. app. today and she said they might make her have to stop swimming as much, like maybe just once a day! That could either crush her and she would relapse, or make her more determined to keep her weight up so she can keep swiming. I just hope she doesnt give in, because i bet she feels like she is failing, even tho she is giving it so much...I am praying for her, I love her so so much. Today we talked during lunch too.
Speaking of lunch, i had an amazing protein bar in it today! A luna protein bar is what its called, with like a ton of protein. It was dark cherry almond flavor and sooo good! Unfortunately no camera, so no pic. :( But i would get it again for sure!
my feelings have been so strange since Saturday...like i dont really have a lot of thoughts, my brain doesnt feel full like usuall, and that isnt really a bad thing, but i am so not used to it! Like, now that i am at a higher weight and i dont really feel like i am struggling to keep it up(especially not right now :/ fat...) its like i dont have anything to fight for right now...i dont feel as motivated. I havent been keeping up in school as well...i failed a test at drivers ed...its like trying to recover and maintain weight was my main motivation...and the constant battle of whether to lose or win was always in my head...and like, right now i feel like i have won in some sense..so now i feel peace, but its like i almost dont want that peace!?!? I know, its so weird, but i just, like, cant handle not having anything i need to handle. :) if that made any sense...lol. But, i seem to be just floating thru each day without a purpose, like my purpose before was to lose weight, then it was to gain weight, and right now i jjust dont feel like i have any purpose. I try every day to make a difference in someones life, whether its something i post...or something i say, or a note or drawing i make for someone. I want to make little differences, but i also need something that is in the future in the big picture to strive for, and that should be getting all A's. or something good...but i havent been keeping up very well, like i have been getting lazy with school...i know thats bad.i will bring my grades back up. But like being all A student just doesnt sound all that appealing cuz like so many people do it. Like i want to be the anorexic who is strong and recovered...but at the moment i pretty much feel recovered(trust me, i know i am not!) and its like i have nothing to strive for now...Like, i dont want to be recovered so that i can have recovery to strive for...so i need to make a goal, GOALS, actually, that i can shoot for, and try to accomplish. I think maybe i am just to highly achieved or whatever. Like, i have always gotten all A's, so i know i can do that. I have won 1rst at dive meets, so i know i can do that...the list goes on and on, and its like once i have acheived the thing it loses its spark all together... So like, i never though i could gain weight to this point and "recover" but i did, so it just isnt exciting. Like i need something impossible to strive for....because then my thirst for achieving something will never empty, because i will constantly have that "thing" to strive for....Is this even making sense??? lol. Well, i guess that is my goal for now...finding something really super hard that is a good thing that i need to achieve, or overcome..POint being it will be a GOOD thing, not a bad thing, like anorexia. Today, even trying to lose this "extra" weight, i dont feel like i have an ed. Maybe because it is twisting things so that i see myself as fine...well, im not, but at the moment i seem to be. :? Bah, i need to go do some HW. Oh, ya and i am reading Dear John. Such a great book, i started it today and am already half way through! :) Love it! Sorry, no pics today...but hopefully tomorrow after drivers ed i will have time to post and will be able to put some pics up!
Maddi
xxx
I took a shower after I ate and came up with this idea...smart in my head but really VERY stupid, and I am lucky nothing bad happened!! So I said goodnight, and went downstairs and closed the door to the basement, which i normally do anyway, just last night i had a reason too...And I went and put on a pair of sweats...and my sports bra...and some tennis shoes...and my dark navy blue hoodie, only turned inside out so you couldnt see the big "LAmbert" on the back...And i did this! I made my bed look like I was in it, just under the covers a bit, bcause my mom usually comes down at some point to check on Naomi. Then I crawled out the basement window!! Good think I am small because its a very tight fit!! :P So, I got out, snuck away from the house, and ran! (this is at like 9:30) I ran up the street and down several blocks, then to Sunset Highway, which I crossed, and headed down towards the river, but not to the loop trail, instead I headed up the unlit street till I reached the Poages house. That was maybe a couple miles??? Idk, but it was almost scarier being on the streets with street lamps because then people would know that i was there...The super long and dark street up to the Poages house was nice and dark and I felt all alone and pretty safe. Anyway, I walked up to their house and saw karli's light was on so I texted her to see if she would admit she was awake, which she did, so I walked back home, texting her most of the way, and that was nice, just to know that if i did get murdered, at least i would have talked to someone!!! Seriously, i dont know what i was thinking...especially since that girl Mackenzie..and they dont know who did that....I am a bad girl.....And all that walking, plus the little exercising i did till midnight when i got back didnt seem to effect my weight!! I still weighed 3 pounds more than usual in the morning! :/ Arg!!!! Why do I care so much????
I cut back to 1200 cal today, and probly about 600 tomorrow, then I should be good...and I have gym today, so maybe that will help get things moving. it not so much that the number is bothering me...it could be higher. Its more the way I feel! Like, i am BIGGER!! Seriously, it isnt imagined! You cant imagine when you are measureing! But I talked to Abbi at lunch and she said that her doctors said that happens, and a few days after a big meal like that where you pork out, you just retain a lot of water and get a bloated feeling...So part of that is just bloating...but I'm afraid its not all!! I am not stopping the restricting until i get to a pound below where i was when this horrible night took place...:/ I am not proud of this...at all....
Anyway, on a better note, I wrote a letter to Abbi, just giving her encouragement because i could tell she was loosing, and telling her she could be honest with me and i just want to help, and i gave her some encourageing comments and things i have read that have helped me, like once i read, "no body equals no life" That is constantly a good reminder in my head!! So, I gave this note to her Monday after school, and Tuesday we did our usuall walk around the field and she opened up a lot more! Like, WOW, I feel like now she has told me the truth about what is really going on, instead of denying it like previously and pretending it wasnt really a problem. Poor thing has slipped a bit, she couldnt go to swim last night...and she had a docs. app. today and she said they might make her have to stop swimming as much, like maybe just once a day! That could either crush her and she would relapse, or make her more determined to keep her weight up so she can keep swiming. I just hope she doesnt give in, because i bet she feels like she is failing, even tho she is giving it so much...I am praying for her, I love her so so much. Today we talked during lunch too.
Speaking of lunch, i had an amazing protein bar in it today! A luna protein bar is what its called, with like a ton of protein. It was dark cherry almond flavor and sooo good! Unfortunately no camera, so no pic. :( But i would get it again for sure!
my feelings have been so strange since Saturday...like i dont really have a lot of thoughts, my brain doesnt feel full like usuall, and that isnt really a bad thing, but i am so not used to it! Like, now that i am at a higher weight and i dont really feel like i am struggling to keep it up(especially not right now :/ fat...) its like i dont have anything to fight for right now...i dont feel as motivated. I havent been keeping up in school as well...i failed a test at drivers ed...its like trying to recover and maintain weight was my main motivation...and the constant battle of whether to lose or win was always in my head...and like, right now i feel like i have won in some sense..so now i feel peace, but its like i almost dont want that peace!?!? I know, its so weird, but i just, like, cant handle not having anything i need to handle. :) if that made any sense...lol. But, i seem to be just floating thru each day without a purpose, like my purpose before was to lose weight, then it was to gain weight, and right now i jjust dont feel like i have any purpose. I try every day to make a difference in someones life, whether its something i post...or something i say, or a note or drawing i make for someone. I want to make little differences, but i also need something that is in the future in the big picture to strive for, and that should be getting all A's. or something good...but i havent been keeping up very well, like i have been getting lazy with school...i know thats bad.i will bring my grades back up. But like being all A student just doesnt sound all that appealing cuz like so many people do it. Like i want to be the anorexic who is strong and recovered...but at the moment i pretty much feel recovered(trust me, i know i am not!) and its like i have nothing to strive for now...Like, i dont want to be recovered so that i can have recovery to strive for...so i need to make a goal, GOALS, actually, that i can shoot for, and try to accomplish. I think maybe i am just to highly achieved or whatever. Like, i have always gotten all A's, so i know i can do that. I have won 1rst at dive meets, so i know i can do that...the list goes on and on, and its like once i have acheived the thing it loses its spark all together... So like, i never though i could gain weight to this point and "recover" but i did, so it just isnt exciting. Like i need something impossible to strive for....because then my thirst for achieving something will never empty, because i will constantly have that "thing" to strive for....Is this even making sense??? lol. Well, i guess that is my goal for now...finding something really super hard that is a good thing that i need to achieve, or overcome..POint being it will be a GOOD thing, not a bad thing, like anorexia. Today, even trying to lose this "extra" weight, i dont feel like i have an ed. Maybe because it is twisting things so that i see myself as fine...well, im not, but at the moment i seem to be. :? Bah, i need to go do some HW. Oh, ya and i am reading Dear John. Such a great book, i started it today and am already half way through! :) Love it! Sorry, no pics today...but hopefully tomorrow after drivers ed i will have time to post and will be able to put some pics up!
Maddi
xxx
1 comment:
Oh Maddi sweetheart :( Reading this post, I see a girl caught in the jaws of ED with nowhere to go. A dinner of 500+ 600 700+ cals is normal, to maintain; let alone gain. I know that ED is telling you that I am wrong and that nobody eats that much and is thin, but he is LYING. Maddi knows this deep down. I know you do. Please Maddi, don't restrict tomorrow hun :( Don't deprive your body of the nutrients it deserves ever again. And ED is wrong, because you DO deserve to nourish yourself. Let your faith bring you through this and you will realize how many of your thoughts were ED speaking, but the weight must cone first. unfortunatley that is just how it goes:( Stick wit it Maddi! I am praying for you :]
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