I wanted to post today..then I decided to go to bed instead...then i changed my mind and now I am posting. :P I dont really know what to say, so I will just go through my day I guess and see if anything comes to me. I cant even remember what I wrote about last night. Lack of nutrition is maybe making me less able to remember things? Oh ya, I went to gym last night. That was great...I felt strong. And my ride was a half hour late so I got to do some more tumbling! That was fun. :O) I stayed up really late last night too, almost till 12. I was just so busy, running around, trying to keep my mind off weight gain, etc...I didnt really do anything important, just stuff to keep me busy while I didnt eat. :/ I took a super long shower, read Dear John for a while, emailed a good friend...idk, lots of random stuff like that.
On to today. My body image was a little better, not much, but since my weight dropped it wasnt so bad. By tomorrow morning I will be where i want to be. Well, not really...I would still want to be X pounds lighter...but I know right now thats not an option. Or at least I dont want it to be...I hit almost 900 cals today, i was at 300, but then i decided i really should eat at least some so that I will be more fun when Kimberly comes over tomorrow. I cant wait, i havent spent time with her in a while.
Today was ENDLESS!!!! I am not even kidding! I finally feel like it is over, because now I can go to bed whenever I want, but omg, I hated it! School was miserable, I was so tired from the lack of sleep the past two night, and the fact I had only had a 50 cal breakfast, and I just felt drained, emotionally and physically. And it didnt help that my math teacher made a super RUDE and HUMILIATING comment when I asked him a question. i almost burst into tears. :( So ya, that was just dandy. :/ I read Dear John all during bible class. we have a test tomorrow so I should have been listening and taking notes but guess what??Notes dont help at all, even tho he has all the tests be open note!! grrrr, he is such an awful teacher....so glad we are getting a new bible teacher so I can actually learn about the Bible, which i want to do! Wait, im not going there next year...nvm. Walking the field with Abbi was good. i felt tired, duh, but it was still so good. Apparently her big bro got expelled from NSA for getting a little drunk at a friends house. So pathetic that they expelled him for that! geez... Not like i agree with drinking AT ALL, but give the kid some room! For crying out loud he is in college and its his life! :/ I told her about the nightmare I had a few nights ago...this dream was awful...i hate thinking about it...i was so weak, i kept collapsing, and people would ask if i was ok and i would just shrug it off and pretend it was nothing, and that i just was wanting to sit or whatever. The worst part was I couldnt pick up Naomi...and i remember seeing a pained look on my dads face one of the times i collapsed near the stairs. Is this a foreshadowing of what could be coming?? God, i pray not! :( It was a awful dream...I woke up pretty shaken...
The rest of the day was uneventful till after school. Karli and I went to Starbucks. I just got water and drank like none. But we talked for a good hour and a half, and it was just so good, and i told her a lot, and how i dont really know where i am with recovery right now...and we talked about how i am on the escalator...i dont feel like i am losing ground...but since i am definitely not moving forward i must be...i just cant tell yet. Hopefully i tell before it is too late. :/ Anyway, i asked her for help in helping me to eat. I dont have meals with anyone, except maybe lunch with the girls in my class, and so i dont have anyone to be sure i am eating...and i am usually not..and i lie to my mom all the time about how i am doing because i dont want to worry her. So i asked karli for help, and she is just going to contact me every so often and just ask how food things are going...i think it will be good, i want to be completely honest with her, and no little white lies. I hate lieing...i hate that my ED has turned me into a person who lies about food, and weight. i HATE that. Anyway, i feel like maybe i am struggling a bit with life, but i dont know why?? Like everything should be fine, but for some reason it isnt...I have a phone T app. tomorrow morning tho, so i will express some of these thoughts to her.
I passed my test at drivers ed...I finished Dear John while I ate dinner tonight, which, by the way, i had cheese!!!! First time in FOREVER!!! I just made myself a damn, ;), quesadilla(sp?), and put some stir fried onions and peppers in it, and ate it!! I was having second thoughts as i made it, but then it was made so i didnt have much a choice. I felt happy after i did that...I know it might be a very long time before I ever have cheese again...but for some reason i did tonight...and the experience was strange. Maybe i will do it again sometime? :) Idk...but i lived! Sooooo, I should probs head to bed..tho i dont feeel tired i am sure i am... heres a few pics then i am off!
Dear John!! read one chapter yesterday and read the rest today!! lol, it was a heartbreaker for sure, but good to the end! <3
K, this is totally random, but last year Mary and I were totally freaking out about germs after Mr. T told us a nasty story, so we went to the storage room and got our own bottles of hand-sanitizer to carry around with us through out the day. I put a lable on mine, but it disappeared last year and i didnt expect to ever see it again but i was in the locker room this morning and i saw it on a shelf in there! Like it just showed up! Such a funny memory..haha, i just had to snap a pic! lol....
The bars I bought at Top Foods. Yum! I ate the Mojo bar today, and i liked it a lot! I am a fan of all these new bars i have been trying! :)
The "MOJO" bar. Fruit and nut kind. I really liked it, the fruits and nuts were so flavorful. Mmmm, nom nom!
Thats it for tonight, I probs wont post tomorrow unless i can while the girls are at dance because Kimberly will be here till late. So goodnight!
Maddi
xxx
P.S.
On to today. My body image was a little better, not much, but since my weight dropped it wasnt so bad. By tomorrow morning I will be where i want to be. Well, not really...I would still want to be X pounds lighter...but I know right now thats not an option. Or at least I dont want it to be...I hit almost 900 cals today, i was at 300, but then i decided i really should eat at least some so that I will be more fun when Kimberly comes over tomorrow. I cant wait, i havent spent time with her in a while.
Today was ENDLESS!!!! I am not even kidding! I finally feel like it is over, because now I can go to bed whenever I want, but omg, I hated it! School was miserable, I was so tired from the lack of sleep the past two night, and the fact I had only had a 50 cal breakfast, and I just felt drained, emotionally and physically. And it didnt help that my math teacher made a super RUDE and HUMILIATING comment when I asked him a question. i almost burst into tears. :( So ya, that was just dandy. :/ I read Dear John all during bible class. we have a test tomorrow so I should have been listening and taking notes but guess what??Notes dont help at all, even tho he has all the tests be open note!! grrrr, he is such an awful teacher....so glad we are getting a new bible teacher so I can actually learn about the Bible, which i want to do! Wait, im not going there next year...nvm. Walking the field with Abbi was good. i felt tired, duh, but it was still so good. Apparently her big bro got expelled from NSA for getting a little drunk at a friends house. So pathetic that they expelled him for that! geez... Not like i agree with drinking AT ALL, but give the kid some room! For crying out loud he is in college and its his life! :/ I told her about the nightmare I had a few nights ago...this dream was awful...i hate thinking about it...i was so weak, i kept collapsing, and people would ask if i was ok and i would just shrug it off and pretend it was nothing, and that i just was wanting to sit or whatever. The worst part was I couldnt pick up Naomi...and i remember seeing a pained look on my dads face one of the times i collapsed near the stairs. Is this a foreshadowing of what could be coming?? God, i pray not! :( It was a awful dream...I woke up pretty shaken...
The rest of the day was uneventful till after school. Karli and I went to Starbucks. I just got water and drank like none. But we talked for a good hour and a half, and it was just so good, and i told her a lot, and how i dont really know where i am with recovery right now...and we talked about how i am on the escalator...i dont feel like i am losing ground...but since i am definitely not moving forward i must be...i just cant tell yet. Hopefully i tell before it is too late. :/ Anyway, i asked her for help in helping me to eat. I dont have meals with anyone, except maybe lunch with the girls in my class, and so i dont have anyone to be sure i am eating...and i am usually not..and i lie to my mom all the time about how i am doing because i dont want to worry her. So i asked karli for help, and she is just going to contact me every so often and just ask how food things are going...i think it will be good, i want to be completely honest with her, and no little white lies. I hate lieing...i hate that my ED has turned me into a person who lies about food, and weight. i HATE that. Anyway, i feel like maybe i am struggling a bit with life, but i dont know why?? Like everything should be fine, but for some reason it isnt...I have a phone T app. tomorrow morning tho, so i will express some of these thoughts to her.
I passed my test at drivers ed...I finished Dear John while I ate dinner tonight, which, by the way, i had cheese!!!! First time in FOREVER!!! I just made myself a damn, ;), quesadilla(sp?), and put some stir fried onions and peppers in it, and ate it!! I was having second thoughts as i made it, but then it was made so i didnt have much a choice. I felt happy after i did that...I know it might be a very long time before I ever have cheese again...but for some reason i did tonight...and the experience was strange. Maybe i will do it again sometime? :) Idk...but i lived! Sooooo, I should probs head to bed..tho i dont feeel tired i am sure i am... heres a few pics then i am off!
Dear John!! read one chapter yesterday and read the rest today!! lol, it was a heartbreaker for sure, but good to the end! <3
K, this is totally random, but last year Mary and I were totally freaking out about germs after Mr. T told us a nasty story, so we went to the storage room and got our own bottles of hand-sanitizer to carry around with us through out the day. I put a lable on mine, but it disappeared last year and i didnt expect to ever see it again but i was in the locker room this morning and i saw it on a shelf in there! Like it just showed up! Such a funny memory..haha, i just had to snap a pic! lol....The bars I bought at Top Foods. Yum! I ate the Mojo bar today, and i liked it a lot! I am a fan of all these new bars i have been trying! :)
The "MOJO" bar. Fruit and nut kind. I really liked it, the fruits and nuts were so flavorful. Mmmm, nom nom!
Thats it for tonight, I probs wont post tomorrow unless i can while the girls are at dance because Kimberly will be here till late. So goodnight!
Maddi
xxx
The hersheys bar is NOT one that i bought!!! I would never buy cheapy chocolate like that, its not even dark, so i dont know if i will eat it, but i found it at school yesterday. Lucky me I guess...maybe i will give it to someone, idk. i have never had hersheys with almonds and i wonder if it is any good!
2 comments:
Maddi,
Those bars are so good! I love them :)
CONGRATS on eating the cheese :) It is great that you were able to overcome a fear food, and it is so healthy and delish! ;]
But Maddi, hun, you really need to stop lying to your mom about your eating and all. It seems easier now, but it is only hurting you, and your mom when you don't gain weight, and your relationship. For me, I basically had to give up ALL control of food to my parents. They cooked, packed my lunches, didn't let me leave until I finished, etc. I am sure they didn't like it and I KNOW I didn't like it, but the fact of the matter is that I wouldn't have gotten where I am otherwise. And it is not forever, once you gain some weight you can resist those ED thoughts and tendencies not to eat so much easier.
Please Maddi, promise me that you will tell your mom, or whoever you trust, that you are honestly struggling. They will not judge you, or be disappointed, or ever be mad at you. Please Maddi.
I am praying for you
Scott
Thanks Scott! I did tell someone I trusted. I told my friend Karli...I really need some help with eating, I cant do it on my own, so I told her that and she told me she is willing to text me and just keep me accountable to how things are going. I feel like that will be a good thing. I just really need some help with eating because it seems like I never want to. Thanks for your concern tho, and yes the cheese was pretty good. I really wonder if i would do it again!?!?
Maddi
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