Monday, October 11, 2010

HEYYYYY!! I made a new blog! For several reasons, the most prominent being that I love blogging but I want to step away from this blog that holds memories and such of an eating disorder. Not to say I am recovered, not to say I will forget everything I have been thru, but to just take a step back and blog about things from a different light! This new blog is totally random, I will post food pictures, pictures that I just feel like sharing, and really anything on my mind! And its wordpress, which I am still getting a hang of but I like it! The picture in the Header is one that I took in Mexico! :) Ok, well here is the URL, I hope you all follow!



Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Well, I decided to post, just randomly, out of the blue. It will be short tho because I am tired...

Today was my second day of college! I love it! I have spanish 1 at 8, psychology at 9, then a 3 hour break that I can use to study and socialize until 1, when I have pre-cal. :) I love being free from my old school, I love being my own person. Today I met a girl named Suzy in math class, and we will probably end up working on math together or something! She was really nice and is taking the same drawing class I took over the summer! Day two and I have only met 1 new person but that is ok. There are tons of people there that I already know! 3 people that I know from work, two of them are in one of my classes, span. and psych, and then Karli and my old bestie Amy and several people from swim team....:) And I am sure I will make many new friends! I just need to not be afraid to speak up!

So college is good. Diving is ok. Today was a bad practice because I hadnt eaten anything but a small bowl of cereal that I snuck. That is because as of last night I am not allowed to eat any of the food at my house. And that is because last night I purged dinner, and my mom got really angry. So she has now banned me from eating...and I dont have the money, even with a job, to pay for food every day. I already have to pay for gas, car insurance, school books, diving, pretty much everything. So ya, things were SO GOOD on Monday until dinner. I had had a great breakfast and lunch, and I felt so energized, and dive practice was good...but then it fell apart at dinner, and I would have picked myself up again today and fixed what went wrong...but now I dont have a chance to. Mercy is not for me I guess.

Oh, and I just got a letter from the hospital that said all employees need to get flu vaccines...Maybe I can slip under the radar...I hope, cause I hate shots...

Sorry to be so depressed, I really dont see anything positive right about now. Tomorrow I am sure I will have to sit out from diving because I wont have enough strength to jump high enough to even be safe. And school will be horrid because who wants to sit through classes with a empty tummy. FML.

I am so good at putting on a happy face tho! I mean, who would guess this is all going on? No one! Cause I was just a little happy fairy all day, keeping a smile on my face whenever I saw someone! :/ again, fml...

Sorry, I really am, I just needed to get some of this out. And I suppose I need some encouragement too...:)


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

ok, so I know I promised that I would post pictures but my netbook still doesnt have internet ability, so no can do, at least not yet!!! But hopefully by next week because school starts then and I will need my internet(at least I assume I will)

Today has been SO emotional!!! D: Like I woke up, b/ped, read, slept, did chores and didnt let myself cry(I dont even know why I wanted to cry??x_x), then I did more chores, read some more, went to dive practice, was sooo happy at dive practice, then came home and couldnt find the pants i wanted to wear and about melted down again. And again I didnt let myself. I think I just have a lot of emotions trapped in me right now which I just need to let out!!! I'm just not so great at doing that...

Anyway, that is so random, but ya, I just have felt so tense today, I want to snap at everyone and I want to cry everytime anyone talks to me, I just want to break down and sob! Has this happened to any of you? Haha, I guess its not that new to me, every once and a while I have a bad day like this, I guess it has just been a while!

Tomorrow I have a appointment with John. The last one didnt seem to help me in any way, it didnt seem productive, but I cant expect every appointment to make me improve in some way! I am going to take my younger sister to school on the way there too, I look forward to that! :)

Todays dive practice was great, I did a couple front doubles, the newest dive I have been learning. Also I worked on my back one with one and a half twists. And my coach wants me to learn a back one and a half and a front one and a half half twist! I know that doesnt mean anything to you, but those are all really hard dives, so I am nervous!!! I know that if I nurture my body I will have the strength to get high enough to make those dives! Which brings me to food...

I still b/p every day...My weight was at its lowest since last winter for a few days, then I ate tons over the weekend and it shot back up, now its close to that lowest. I told myself I wouldnt be here at this weight last year when diving, I guess I thought I would be "better" by now. I really had no idea...Its like now that I am at this weight I dont want to gain any weight because then I have the work of having to loose it...which I could say that I would never want to loose it again, but I know thats not true, the desire to be thin is like stronger than the desire to have a life...Its so strange, I want two things that just dont work together: To be thin and to be the best diver. I cant have both, and I know that right now I am choosing wrong, or at least believing I can have both...which in short, is still choosing wrong.

I would love to say that I dont need help, that anorexia was just a little bump in the road, a way to get through a tough 10th grade, but its turned into more than that, its turned into a large part of my life that I just cant ignore. As I write this I realize that maybe that is why I wanted to cry all day, because I had the crushing realization that I am letting my eating disorder take over my life. Its a disease, yes, but its also a choice is it not? Sometimes I just dont want to make it through another day because I know that the next day will be the same: on the scale, off the scale, eat, throw up, on the scale, off the scale, eat, exercise, on the scale, off the scale....

I know what needs to change before I kill myself. I even know how to change. Its just a matter of can or cant, and right now I just cant...

I hate the word "cant"

Be strong this week loves, I know its not worth it to not be. And send me strength if you will, I DO need some...


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I am drained. Family camp was draining. I wont go into details but it physically wiped me out. There WAS some fun tho, like a zip line that I went upside down on, and a funny talent show. Also one night I had fun playing games with some of the other moms!

On Monday evening we got home and I went to dive practice but I just sat out and watched because I was too tired.

On Tuesday I crashed at the Poages house for 12 hours. :) It was kind of pathetic, Karli and I were both lying around sick the entire time, haha, but it was still good to be there...We watched a couple movies and talked and made fruit smoothies and ate toast and I didnt feel good at all but I still had a pleasant day, it was better than being at home. Also diving was canceled, which is why I just stayed there the whole day!

Today is Naomis 3rd birthday, her first birthday to spend with her family. She has been so excited the whole day, its been really fun! We went to Starbucks and the kids got to pick drinks-Sam got hot cocoa, and Naomi picked milk. Then we went to the party supply store and each picked a balloon and Naomi got three, then we went to a toy store and played with a train set they have out and my sister C bought Naomi a present. Tonight is her birthday dinner and celebration but unfortunately I have to miss it for dive practice, but I still was able to spend the day with her! :)

Next post I PROMISE I will post some pictures from art class and such, its been too long! :)


Friday, September 3, 2010

Do YOU know what I feel like??

I feel like a flower trying to survive in a dessert. Parched...wilting...petals falling off one by one...

I feel this way because I do not belong, I do not belong in the house I live in, I do not belong with the people I live with. The evidence has been creeping up on me my whole life, now it has really settled in. And I am NOT just saying this because my mom and I got in a fight this morning. I am saying this because NOTHING is right. There is no "connection" that I long for. It just isnt right, plain and simple as that...I cant do anything about my environment as John would say, but I CAN change how I react to my environment, to some degree at least. Some things have to be learned, so I AM lacking in some areas but I CAN find a way to learn those things, I already am through close friends who have taken me in!

I am a flower in a dessert but I am learning to the past and still in the present I have adapted by using things like ED to I am learning new ways to adapt. Those things are to focus on the FUTURE, spend more time with people who bring out the POSITIVE in me, and deal with the heat of this dessert one day at a time, so that I dont get discouraged when it looks like rain isnt coming any time soon...:)

On to other things, this afternoon/evening we leave for FAMILY CAMP!!! :D I have been to family camp about 7 years in a row now, first with my old church several years, but my new church has one also! It is at a lake somewhere and there will be swimming and campfires and a zipline and rock wall! And a game room, and great fellowship and worship! My favorite part of family camp is the fellowship with new friends and old! My best friends J and Kar wont be there but Kimberly will be so that will be fun! And I am hoping to meet new people too! Food is a bit of a worry, just knowing there will be bountiful amounts, not only at meals but with all the candy and such that people bring...I will NOT go overboard with the candy and junk food, I have a plan and I will stick to it! I may loose weight, I may not, but I will NOT gain, because that will freak me out and send me into a twirling cycle of doom...;) Ok, just kidding, but I know I will be ok! I am suuuuper excited tho! I also get to see my friend who moved out of town this summer! :D Alright, well I will tell you guys all about it when I get home!

Have a great Labor Day Weekend!!! :)


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Versatile blogger award! :)

So thankyou Scott for the versatile blogger award! :)

1. Thank the person who gave it to you
2. Write 7 facts about yourself
3. Award it to 15 other people!

Haha, I thanked Scott already so here are 7 facts!

1. Our family doesn't have TV...:( we wath movies on the laptop...
2. I've been to Nepal, Thailand, Japan, Mexico, China(twice), and Canada...:D
3. I had braces for exactly 3 years and 3 days
4. I did competitive gymnastics for at least 5 years
5. I have had 3 hamsters, 4 bunnies, 2 parakeets, 2 beta fish, 1 rat, 1 guinea pig, and 4 chickens, which have all died. But the two cats and the sheltie dog are still alive and well! :)
6. I lived in a tiny hick town, Hazard, Kentucky, when I was about 3 and almost died there when I got really sick too! D:
7. I had my gallbladder removed when I was just 6 months old!

Ok, so I will pass this on to 15 people, although most of them don't read my blog so they won't even know! ;)
Scott(I know, you gave it to me already but I can't think of anyone else! ;))

love you all! :)


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Wow, its been forever since I last posted...ok, well not thaaaat long, but still....

This past week has consisted of heaven and hell. Heaven: DIVING!!! Heck yes!!! \m/(x.x)\m/ :):):) I LOVE it!!! And this year I am already doing better than last! This was just the first week and I am already throwing inward one and a halfs and back one with one and a half twists and front doubles!!! :D So ya, I feel like a rockstar when I dive! :) Hell: Being sick EVERY day....I mean sick as in not making forward steps with my all...We even have a system set up as of yesterday to help me out...its helped maybe a little as in I dont purge after every meal and my parents make me eat 1200 calories-I guess the minimum for brain functionality. I am mentally and physically being wiped out by this....Also hell: not having contact with Karli...who IS home from the hospital, thank goodness....but I dont want to intrude and call, she is going through something big, my mom says her family is probably being bombarded by other people wondering what is going on, how Karli is, I dont want to be a bother...its so hard to be patient tho...I think of her every day, I might call Tuesday...Tuesday because tomorrow I am going to a friends house! More hell: Weight gain....yes...:P So lets say it hasnt been a fun week...But tomorrow is a NEW DAY, a day to IMPROVE and HEAL!!!

Tomorrow I will do something productive in my spare time, tomorrow I will have fun at dive and at my friends house, tomorrow I will NOT purge ANYTHING!!! :) I NEEEEEEEDDDDD to be POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to be, willing myself to be, I have a FUTURE to look forward to, a future of SAVING people less fortunate than me, a future as a doctor, and before that a future as a DIVER!!! :) A future of friendships and laughter and pain, but also LOVE.....I HAVE A FUTURE.

Have a positive week loves...:)