ok, so I know I promised that I would post pictures but my netbook still doesnt have internet ability, so no can do, at least not yet!!! But hopefully by next week because school starts then and I will need my internet(at least I assume I will)

Today has been SO emotional!!! D: Like I woke up, b/ped, read, slept, did chores and didnt let myself cry(I dont even know why I wanted to cry??x_x), then I did more chores, read some more, went to dive practice, was sooo happy at dive practice, then came home and couldnt find the pants i wanted to wear and about melted down again. And again I didnt let myself. I think I just have a lot of emotions trapped in me right now which I just need to let out!!! I'm just not so great at doing that...

Anyway, that is so random, but ya, I just have felt so tense today, I want to snap at everyone and I want to cry everytime anyone talks to me, I just want to break down and sob! Has this happened to any of you? Haha, I guess its not that new to me, every once and a while I have a bad day like this, I guess it has just been a while!

Tomorrow I have a appointment with John. The last one didnt seem to help me in any way, it didnt seem productive, but I cant expect every appointment to make me improve in some way! I am going to take my younger sister to school on the way there too, I look forward to that! :)

Todays dive practice was great, I did a couple front doubles, the newest dive I have been learning. Also I worked on my back one with one and a half twists. And my coach wants me to learn a back one and a half and a front one and a half half twist! I know that doesnt mean anything to you, but those are all really hard dives, so I am nervous!!! I know that if I nurture my body I will have the strength to get high enough to make those dives! Which brings me to food...

I still b/p every day...My weight was at its lowest since last winter for a few days, then I ate tons over the weekend and it shot back up, now its close to that lowest. I told myself I wouldnt be here at this weight last year when diving, I guess I thought I would be "better" by now. I really had no idea...Its like now that I am at this weight I dont want to gain any weight because then I have the work of having to loose it...which I could say that I would never want to loose it again, but I know thats not true, the desire to be thin is like stronger than the desire to have a life...Its so strange, I want two things that just dont work together: To be thin and to be the best diver. I cant have both, and I know that right now I am choosing wrong, or at least believing I can have both...which in short, is still choosing wrong.

I would love to say that I dont need help, that anorexia was just a little bump in the road, a way to get through a tough 10th grade, but its turned into more than that, its turned into a large part of my life that I just cant ignore. As I write this I realize that maybe that is why I wanted to cry all day, because I had the crushing realization that I am letting my eating disorder take over my life. Its a disease, yes, but its also a choice is it not? Sometimes I just dont want to make it through another day because I know that the next day will be the same: on the scale, off the scale, eat, throw up, on the scale, off the scale, eat, exercise, on the scale, off the scale....

I know what needs to change before I kill myself. I even know how to change. Its just a matter of can or cant, and right now I just cant...

I hate the word "cant"

Be strong this week loves, I know its not worth it to not be. And send me strength if you will, I DO need some...

Maddi
xxx