Hullo, back to blogging. i didnt yesterday really just because I didnt have time, and even if I did i wouldnt have been able to because Garrison was on the computer from the moment i got home from school till the moment I left for drivers ed!! :/Soooo, ya....I have a lot to write, and this may take a while, bleh...
First yesterday. So I woke up at 1:30, I guess because when you are starving you do that, wake up alot in the night that is, so I woke up and ate..Ya, I ate, finally more than 300 cals in one sitting. Ugh, and i read The Horse And His Boy as I ate. Speaking of that, I had been reading thru the whole series before my ED ever started and I never finished them. But i remember it was a good memory to just sit in my beanbag in my room listening to Enya while I read. I felt so happy at that time. Like where did that happy feeling go???Why is it that now, even tho I am older and more mature I cant just hold back any bad feelings and just be happy??? I wish I could...Off subject, so I read, then went back to bed, and woke up again at around 4:45 and couldnt get back to sleep. And finally did and felt really gross and feverish so my mom let me sleep in an hour. Then I went to school and had a biology test, which sucked slightly because I thought the vocab was multiple choice and it was NOT!! :S But whatever, I'm sure I at least got a B. And if i didnt then I would make an appeal!
For the rest of the day I just continued to eat a lot. I guess I wanted to gain weight...maybe I was just so hungry that I did it...maybe I didnt want to have lost weight at my T session which was today...maybe i just wanted the thrill of loosing it again...I dont have the answers, but in any case the day, as far as eating, was miserable as I look back on it because i am regreting it. But I need to look to the future, and realize that most of it, not all tho, is food weight. if I dont eat anything tomorrow then i will be back to where I was, and I can continue to lose weight like I was. :( I'm so messed up. But maybe because of my appt. today I feel like I can organize how I am thinking better?? Idk.
I did some art after school for Agape Adoptions, and I actually need to send it to her tonight, I will post pics of it tomorrow. That was good, and I also finished The Horse and His Boy. I love those books, but they are such short reads it is almost kind of sad! ;)
I dunno, school is so....unbearable sometimes. But Wed. night my mom and I went to a running start meeting and learned about it and I already have a date set to take the Compass test, and my hope is to take 3 college classes, and then I wouldnt have to take any anywhere else, like Eastmont. The only thing that makes me sad is I would have to get my highschool diploma from Eastmont rather than TRA, which is pathetic considering I have been there forever. :/ But that isnt enough of a reason to stay there! So I am excited and also nervous about this big change. :)
Ok, so I want to lose weight, and i have been wanting to do this for a while but keep stopping myself from doing it, usually half way thru, with reasons like: if I lose weight i cant do gymnastics, and I cant have a dog, and I cant do swimteam. But those reasons are pathetic I see now because I will be in college and wont have time for gymnastics because I will be(hopefully) working at the hospital, and I wont have time to take care of a puppy either. So i will lose weight, and stop using those things as my reason to not. I should gain weight when I actually WANT to, which is why i dont understand why i ever did in the first place...i guess it was just those things. And i wont be too weak for college because at my lowest weight, believe it or not, i was working 12 hour days of hard labor in the orchards!!!! i still cant believe i did that....and am alive....So I WILL lose weight, and keep it off until I am actually ready to FULLY recover, because I am so sick and tired of this constant up and down, starving then stuffing, thing. :( So tired of it...
Other than driving over the pass for my session nothing else notable happened today except a several mile long walk. I wish i had the stamina to run that far, it would burn so many more calories. I took this walk when i got home. We stopped at Trader Joes and I got a southwest salad for lunch without the dressing. And I got a couple Larabars i havent tried yet, and the carrot cake clif bar because i have heard it is good.
So about my appointment. I dont want to talk much about it...i dunno, i guess I feel like it is mine, like I dont want to share it with anyone. But I can say that it was so much different, but so much better, than any one that I have had yet. Like ya, I am still 100% stuck in my ED, so it wasnt helpful in that sense, like not immediately at least, but I think it was a big step. Like we hit on something big, something that i never told anyone...but I told her today....and I just want to relive it...like its hard to explain, but i was safe. I felt safe. I dont feel that right now, but I feel better, and I have this memory now...and its so....i just cant really put it in words. And I think I feel really scared right now to because I told her something i never thought i would tell anyone, not that its a bad thing! but i never thought i would and now it scares me to know that i did and i could get hurt, i dont even know how, but i could from letting my need be known...like i am so afraid to ask for anything, least of all help....Like when you gain weight you know you CAN lose it, but when you tell someone something you CANT untell it. So no, i dont regret today, at all, but i am afraid something will happen that will make me want to take back all that I said...And I cried today too...I have never cried at a T appt. I havent cried in a long time. My eyes well up but I always hold back the tears but today i cried, not a lot, but still. *sigh*
Well, I WILL lose weight, and this time not stop half way then stuff myself. I know, its not right, but its what i need right now for some reason. Well, off to do something, maybe watch a movie, or do cardio pilates, or draw, or take a shower, or read The Last Battle because I read The Magicians Nephew today.
Some eats from yesterday:
vanilla yogurt topped with homemade granola and frozen blueberries. :)
Cucumbers and hummus. ahhh, tasty.
French dip sandwhich!!
Off for the night now!
Maddi
xxx
First yesterday. So I woke up at 1:30, I guess because when you are starving you do that, wake up alot in the night that is, so I woke up and ate..Ya, I ate, finally more than 300 cals in one sitting. Ugh, and i read The Horse And His Boy as I ate. Speaking of that, I had been reading thru the whole series before my ED ever started and I never finished them. But i remember it was a good memory to just sit in my beanbag in my room listening to Enya while I read. I felt so happy at that time. Like where did that happy feeling go???Why is it that now, even tho I am older and more mature I cant just hold back any bad feelings and just be happy??? I wish I could...Off subject, so I read, then went back to bed, and woke up again at around 4:45 and couldnt get back to sleep. And finally did and felt really gross and feverish so my mom let me sleep in an hour. Then I went to school and had a biology test, which sucked slightly because I thought the vocab was multiple choice and it was NOT!! :S But whatever, I'm sure I at least got a B. And if i didnt then I would make an appeal!
For the rest of the day I just continued to eat a lot. I guess I wanted to gain weight...maybe I was just so hungry that I did it...maybe I didnt want to have lost weight at my T session which was today...maybe i just wanted the thrill of loosing it again...I dont have the answers, but in any case the day, as far as eating, was miserable as I look back on it because i am regreting it. But I need to look to the future, and realize that most of it, not all tho, is food weight. if I dont eat anything tomorrow then i will be back to where I was, and I can continue to lose weight like I was. :( I'm so messed up. But maybe because of my appt. today I feel like I can organize how I am thinking better?? Idk.
I did some art after school for Agape Adoptions, and I actually need to send it to her tonight, I will post pics of it tomorrow. That was good, and I also finished The Horse and His Boy. I love those books, but they are such short reads it is almost kind of sad! ;)
I dunno, school is so....unbearable sometimes. But Wed. night my mom and I went to a running start meeting and learned about it and I already have a date set to take the Compass test, and my hope is to take 3 college classes, and then I wouldnt have to take any anywhere else, like Eastmont. The only thing that makes me sad is I would have to get my highschool diploma from Eastmont rather than TRA, which is pathetic considering I have been there forever. :/ But that isnt enough of a reason to stay there! So I am excited and also nervous about this big change. :)
Ok, so I want to lose weight, and i have been wanting to do this for a while but keep stopping myself from doing it, usually half way thru, with reasons like: if I lose weight i cant do gymnastics, and I cant have a dog, and I cant do swimteam. But those reasons are pathetic I see now because I will be in college and wont have time for gymnastics because I will be(hopefully) working at the hospital, and I wont have time to take care of a puppy either. So i will lose weight, and stop using those things as my reason to not. I should gain weight when I actually WANT to, which is why i dont understand why i ever did in the first place...i guess it was just those things. And i wont be too weak for college because at my lowest weight, believe it or not, i was working 12 hour days of hard labor in the orchards!!!! i still cant believe i did that....and am alive....So I WILL lose weight, and keep it off until I am actually ready to FULLY recover, because I am so sick and tired of this constant up and down, starving then stuffing, thing. :( So tired of it...
Other than driving over the pass for my session nothing else notable happened today except a several mile long walk. I wish i had the stamina to run that far, it would burn so many more calories. I took this walk when i got home. We stopped at Trader Joes and I got a southwest salad for lunch without the dressing. And I got a couple Larabars i havent tried yet, and the carrot cake clif bar because i have heard it is good.
So about my appointment. I dont want to talk much about it...i dunno, i guess I feel like it is mine, like I dont want to share it with anyone. But I can say that it was so much different, but so much better, than any one that I have had yet. Like ya, I am still 100% stuck in my ED, so it wasnt helpful in that sense, like not immediately at least, but I think it was a big step. Like we hit on something big, something that i never told anyone...but I told her today....and I just want to relive it...like its hard to explain, but i was safe. I felt safe. I dont feel that right now, but I feel better, and I have this memory now...and its so....i just cant really put it in words. And I think I feel really scared right now to because I told her something i never thought i would tell anyone, not that its a bad thing! but i never thought i would and now it scares me to know that i did and i could get hurt, i dont even know how, but i could from letting my need be known...like i am so afraid to ask for anything, least of all help....Like when you gain weight you know you CAN lose it, but when you tell someone something you CANT untell it. So no, i dont regret today, at all, but i am afraid something will happen that will make me want to take back all that I said...And I cried today too...I have never cried at a T appt. I havent cried in a long time. My eyes well up but I always hold back the tears but today i cried, not a lot, but still. *sigh*
Well, I WILL lose weight, and this time not stop half way then stuff myself. I know, its not right, but its what i need right now for some reason. Well, off to do something, maybe watch a movie, or do cardio pilates, or draw, or take a shower, or read The Last Battle because I read The Magicians Nephew today.
Some eats from yesterday:
vanilla yogurt topped with homemade granola and frozen blueberries. :)
Cucumbers and hummus. ahhh, tasty.
French dip sandwhich!!Off for the night now!
Maddi
xxx
1 comment:
Maddi );
darling you know that loosing weight is the last thing you need right now. You cannot keep waiting until you are "ready" to recover, because you never will be. It is scary to start recovery, a major life change, but it is so much more than worth it Maddi. Your ED is so in control of your thoughts now that it won't let you think straight.
It is great that you are honest with your T, and you should never feel guilty for telling him/her anything. T is there to help you, and you are doing the right thing for enabling (s)he to do so.
Praying for you,
*hugs*
Scott
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