Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice. :)

Just some artwork I decided to post to put some pretty color on my page! ;)

Happy Sunday!! As far as eating goes, well, it waas nOT GOOD! :/ I totally pigged out when I got home from the homeshow, then i felt horribly guilty and went for a run and did cardio pilates, then after this post i am going to do some more cardio pilates. Buuut, the whole day hasnt been bad!

Church this morning was REALLY good. It was about Jesus return and how we need to completely turn away from our sin, we cant just hope to drift down the river and end up with Him. I felt bad, just that I am going into my ED, and not leaving it behind like our pastor was calling us to do with our sins...:/ But I am not a perfect human, and I get so depressed and it gets so hard to just make it through a day when I dont listen to my ED, so I cant let go of it, not until I feel safe...which hopefully someday, thru therapy and friends, and God too, I WILL feel safe. I really do believe it will happen. But ya, since I Am at this point listening to my ed, I will go workout some more. Good thing I am not feeling tired.

I cant believe it is like 6:30 already! ! Sheesh this day seems like its flying! And I never would usually say this but I cant wait till tomorrow because it is soooo much easier for me to lose weight during the school week. i always seem to "mess up" on weekends because I dont have that schedule. So I really want Monday to be here, and I wish I could just skip the weekends when i am trying to lose because they just make things complicated!!

I ask myself why on earth I am going backwards, and choosing to relapse and not maintain. The answer to that is I dont know how to handle life right now. Its so weird, I was never really happy. i can look back on the years before this and say to myself, "I was so happy then! If I would just get rid of this stupid ED I could be happy again. Dont I want my old life back??" The answer to that is no. I wasnt happy then. Really, I just was piling up the hard and hurt feelings within myself, I woudnt share them, and I wouldnt let them out. And if I did try to express them, i wasnt understood. I had no one. And I wonder why i suppressed my feelings so well then, and now I still keep them hidden, yet I need my ED to cope?? It seems like I would just get better at holding them in as I got older, but I guess the reason I cant without my ED is because the things to hold in just were getting worse. Like bad things happened, do happen, and I cant do anything about it so I take it out on myself, with starving myself, and if i mess up with that then I turn to harming myself. Its so complex... But I feel able to handle the pain better when I am starving myself, just another form of self-harm, without the permanent scars. :/

Anywhoo, this Sunday after church, which I already said was great, I drove us down to the Town Toyota Center to go to the home show. They had a ton of big inflatables, i wish I had my camera. We jumped around on those for a while, it was so fun. C and I raced on this one obstacle course type one and it was soooo hilarious!! I won, and afterwards C said I looked like a dolphin!! Haha, lol, I probly did, as I was just jumping and diving over all of the obstacles, so all she could see were my feet in the air!! Thats how I roll!!! lol, I laugh thinking about it!!! It was a lot of fun tho, then we walked aroung the booths and got a piece of candy at each and filled my sweaters pockets, mine in one pocket, and C's pieces in the other. lol, it got pretty heavy and bulgy so I just took it off and carried it! :) Ya, I kinda pigged out on like 6 chocolate pieces later....argh, I wasnt even hungry so it makes me mad that I did!! O well, I worked out, am going to more, and i am not going to exceed 600 cals tomorrow so I can make up for todays out-of-control-ness.

After the homeshow I finished The Last Battle. SUch an amazingly good book! Omy gawsh, I absolutely loved it!!
I also baked Sugar and Spice cake yesterday!! Yum! Although baking is a good time killer on those days when I am trying to lose weight and am just waiting for the hour when i can go to bed, it is also bad because this cake was so good I had a big piece today! I was planning to not eat any! :( But it WAS good, so I didnt miss out I suppose. Whatever!

Well, I shall be off to do another CP workout, then take a shower to SHAVE, yes sorry, TMI, but it has been a while! ;) And then I will do some math hw I have from missing Saturday and by the time all that is said and done it should be about bedtime! Thanks for reading my blog you people who do, lol, even if its just one person it would still make me happy! :)
Maddi
xxx