Thoughts that CANT be let go of.

Hi. Yesterdays post was hard. Rough. Heartbreaking. And true. Its true that I feel that way a lot of the time, those emotions arent fake. But heres the thing. No matter how hard my situation is now, no matter how much it seems like it cant get better, I need to move forward. My ED, is it making my life better or worse?? Worse. Moving forward, is it making my life earier of harder?? In many ways, harder. But is it worth it?? YES

My ED tells me lies. It says, you can be thin and underweight, but also strong and you WILL be able to continue your life, and handle whatever it throws at you.

Truth: I wont be strong! Gosh, when I am starving myself I cant even go on my daily walks with my dog!

It says, well duh you couldnt walk your dog, its because you were still loosing weight. but once the weight is lost you WILL be able to walk your dog! You may just have to be patient for a while,

Truth: but when will I stop?? i wont EVER be happy with the low weight I am at! It will never be good enough until I am dead.

I ask, why am I recovering now, why not wait? or why should i in the first place? Why not just always stay where I am?

It says, YOu are SOOOO FAT!!!

Truth: How could I possibly be?? I am still 'underweight'.

It says, screw what the doctors say, what your family says, you can be whatever weight you want!

Truth: That is very true. I COULD be whatever weight I want. But i cant be the weight I want AND have a life.

I want my life. I dont want to be the girl who goes to in-patient, then goes out, then still isnt ok so goes back in, I dont want to be the person who cuts her life span short because of the lack of care to her body. I dont want to be the girl who spends years wasting away, or wasting her time recovering. I dont want to be freaking 30 years old and still be fighting this!!!

A lie, you would ENJOY inpatient, you would meet new people, you wwould have a new experience, you could even be the thinnest there if you work hard enough.

Truth. THAT IS WRONG!!!!!!!!!! How could I want that?? I want a LIFE!!! I want to go to college, I want to serve others, I want to be ME. I DONT want to be stuffed in some hospital like place with a bunch of screwed up girls. I DONT want that!

ED tells me I would be loved, special, cared for there, but no. i would be giving up anything and everything that I do have. I would just be one in a crowd of sick girls. I would just be loosing my lifes precious time. So what do I want?? Or why do I 'want' this?

I just want to be loved!! I want to feel special. Being super thin makes me feel special. But it is WRONG!!! I need to let go of that. i need to accept that right now in my life I dont feel right with how i am treated, i dont feel right with my relationship, but holding on to my ED, starving myself, being thin, isnt going to fix the way i am. I just have to remember that.

Anyway, yesterday and the day before were major bingeing days, just trying to pick mmy wweight up off the floor. I took Chiro on a walk yesterday and today too, something I hadnt done all week because I was just too weak. And today I have done a great job eating the right amount. I am just trying to maintain now, not loose or gain. The constant up and down is killing my body, i am taking a break now, just maintaining whatever weight I am really at, I dont even know right now. Tonight i am going to karli's house to spend the night. I am looking forward to it, i dont know how i am going to manage to not just break down tho, the last few weeks have been so hard, especially the last few days emotions have really been building up. For now I am giong to finish a movie i was watching, then i have a drive, and some chores to do.

all you bloggers need to blog!! Seriously, I have had nothing to read!! :)

Maddi

xxx