Sad on Sunday...

Heya bloggers. I'm going to start with food this post. I have eaten normal yesterday, and today, and I just feel a bit better/healthier overall. Even tho I am a bit backed up...;) My goal: To eat a maintainance calorie amount for a FULL week to just figure out what I even weigh, and give my body a chance to "normalize." From there I will then choose between three options: 1.) Gain weight if it is too low. 2.) Maintain. 3.) loose weight, whether i am at a good weight or not. I am hoping that my weight is where it should be so I can choose option 2. I am afraid if it is too low I will just go with it and choose option 3. And I am also afraid it might be to high(very unlikely tho) and I will also want to choose option 3. :/ Gosh, I shouldnt want to choose option 3 at all! But I DO feel like I am getting stronger against my ED voice. Emotionally its been hard but thats another thing and I will get to that! First, heres some food!








Dark chocolate chocolate and bread bar by Theo!! mmm, it was so yummy! I split it with my friend K when i was at her house last night and ate it while watching Amazing Grace. Oh, I LOVED it! :D I found it in the health food aisle at Fred Meyer's. How random is that?? ;p I am going to get the hazelnut kind next time. I also love the wrapper, its so cute!

Lunch yesterday was amaze!! I had a toasted english muffin spread with 1/2 tbsp PB each and topped with carrot strips. O my goodness yumminess! Ah, I think I have found a favorite! Also had a serving of fruit and nut medley from costco on the side. When i was at Fredy's last night I also bought ten cliff bars because they were on sale. I bought all the flavors and I cant wait to try them all, one for each day! :)

Yesterday, after watching the movie Thin, which is a documentary about girls with eating disorders in in-patient, I decided I need to find a different way to release my emotions. Well, or release them at all for that matter!! I felt so sad watching it, like that could be MY life if I wasnt strong enough to keep fighting. Heres some things that I have discovered dont help me release the hard thoughts, but they DO help me feel better, and by doing them I can make it through better. Like they are positive ways to distract me from pain. I want to write them down so that I remember them, so that when I feel awful I can look at these positive things and see that that is what I can channel my energy into doing.

taking Chiro on walks. blogging. baking. reading. watching movies. drawing. swinging. swimming. organizing my room.

What is sad is that all of those things are solitary....I'm sick of being alone in everything i do.

I also had a drive which went fantastic, yay, then went to Karli's. We watched Amazing Grace, even tho I just watched that but I wanted to see it again, I love it so much. And i had that delish Theo bar, haha, 'on the side'. After we crawled into bed (she has a double bed) and talked.

It started with one question from me. How often do you see your mom? Honestly I was curious, her and her mom seem so, connected, and I just wanted to know so bad. So she told me and asked me the same...and I really didnt have an answer except mumbling, uh, well....she picks me up from school everyonce and a while...then there are the drives to Seattle, and...uh... Ya, pathetic... And we just kept talking, and I kept telling her more and more, and asking her about her parents, and she would ask me the same, and it was just so heartbreaking to see the difference. Like sometimes she feels disconnected, its a billion times worse for me...Not to have like a pity party or anything!!! I also wanted to cry soooo bad. I told her that. She told me that was ok, i could, she wouldnt judge me. She assured me it was ok, it wasnt a bad thing, its a good thing. But I couldnt. I told her I havent...instead I cut or starve myself. Why cant I cry??? K asked me that. And I didnt know what to say because I didnt really know the answer. Am I scared? I think so...Of what?? Of letting go...But why on earth would I be scared to let my tears fall, to cry the big sobs that are stuck in me, the anguish that is building up and has nowhere else to go?? Because I feel alone, I need someone to cry with, I dont want my release to be in secret...But you werent alone, she was right there with you, so why didnt you just let go?? What was holding you back?? No, I wasnt alone. Yes, she was right there. And hell, I am mad at myself for holding back. But why I was, is I was scared shitless. (sscuse the french.) Scared of the unknown, scared to trust her that it would be OK if I cried, scared to feel anything but safe......safe inside myself....always I'm inside myself.

Arg, well i had another paragraph but dumb ole blogger(no offence) wouldnt save it. Whatever :/ Goodnight!

Maddi

xxx