Sooo, where to start? I guess with last night. I had a test in drivers ed, which i passed, thank goodness, then i also had a drive at 8 this morning, and that went well. Yay. So last night Naomi woke up with her covers off, so i woke up and covered her then i couldnt get back to sleep. So i layed there, then i layed there some more, and i finally talked myself into eating just a little bit so my hunger wouldnt keep me awake. Well, that little bit turned into a big bit, i dont know why, it just clicked in my head that i needed to stop losing weight because that equals no gymnastics, no puppy, and no life. I didnt exactly bring my weight up since you cant gain that fast, but i kept it from dropping, and i suppose it did go up, just a little. I cant believe i ate so much tho. I still really didnt want to...like, my mind is so not in the right place, even tho i am eating now. :/ Lets see, not counting the cereal at 4 am, i have probly had roughly 1300 cals today...and i am so done eating. :P I feel stuffed. I am not going to eat dinner, and thankfully it is something i dont like so my mom wont get all nasty to me. She is making mac n cheese casserole. Yuck! I do not like dairy products!!!
My new plan as far as weight goes is to try and maintain, aka, lose weight slowly. Whenever i just try to maintain i still usually lose weight...I have to eat basically a weight gain diet to maintain, a bit less tho. I hate eating that much, i feel so fat and full and icky. 2,300 cals is plenty! i wish i didnt have to eat any more to maintain. :p So ya, i am going to "maintain" through the weekend, which is good because that way i dont have to miss out on food at Pikes Place, like the delish veggie yeero. Then next week i will go back on a weight loss plan...which i know is awful...But i could lose five lbs by Friday...then maintain for a weekend, then lose 5, then maintain...I'm desperately in need of a shove in the opposite direction. Like, my parents have been really absent, and Mary is doing everything she can to help, but its hard from so far away, and karli, well, i havent heard from her in days, even tho i gave her a nice note the other day... Maybe she took that as thinking i was ok and i dont need her right now. Gosh, its the complete opposite...*sigh* I feel pretty hopeless, like i would much rather be trying to lose weight right now rather then maintaining...Perhaps if i go on another walk i wont feel so full. my head is swimming.
Ya, so after school i went for a walk as i was texting Mary, and i guess i just kind of wandered and took random turns and ended up blocks away from home in a neighborhood i had never walked through...It was really random, then as i was walking i saw this house and the back yard, and i recognized it as the house where me and Amy had a fight. We were like five, and we were there because of a bible study thing, and there was this cool car thing, idk how to explain it, but anyway it was really fun until we started fighting about whose turn it was...I remember that so clearly, its like a video in my head. The memory was sweet but it made me sad at the same time. Bittersweet. Anyhoo, i walked home, and made myself a snack after a long time not knowing what to make. I made oatmeal and stirred in a graham cracker and a tbsp of nutella butter, and that was yummy, then i had some dry kashi cereal with another tbsp of Nutella. I shouldnt have had that second thing, idk, i guess i was craving something with crunch. :/
I felt out of place at school again today, i felt so good Mon. and Tues. because i was loosing weight, but that is just a lie my ed is telling me. I am believing it too, which makes me sad because its like i dont know how to stop believing it right now. I just didnt feel like myself, i wanted that sick body back...i wanted it so bad, i still right now want it so bad....I'm hanging on to the edge of this cliff by a pinky finger. Urgh, im going to go walk i think...just walk...anywhere...just to get out and clear up my mind a little and make myself feel not so lowsy...
Heres a few eats then i am off.
my oatmeal creation. Smores inspired. Tasty, i loved how the nutella melted so could be stirred in. Sad i didnt really enjoy it because it was, well, food. :(
Strawberrie smoothie breakfast. Some frozen strawberried blended w/ some icecubes. It wasnt that great, and too cold for a rainy day. I guess i wasnt thinking about that when i made it...
not a very nice pic, but i love this sweater from my uncle. i wear it all the time, so warm. :)
Last nights dinner. Pathetic, i know...but i couldnt do it. An apple was all i could do...
Tomorrow i already want to eat less. I have barely made the minimum today(im not counting the cereal) but it feels like so so much. I hate it all. I hate it i hate it i hate it! I hate anorexia because it is making me hate food! I HATE it!! And im gonna go....buh-bye.
Maddi
xxx
My new plan as far as weight goes is to try and maintain, aka, lose weight slowly. Whenever i just try to maintain i still usually lose weight...I have to eat basically a weight gain diet to maintain, a bit less tho. I hate eating that much, i feel so fat and full and icky. 2,300 cals is plenty! i wish i didnt have to eat any more to maintain. :p So ya, i am going to "maintain" through the weekend, which is good because that way i dont have to miss out on food at Pikes Place, like the delish veggie yeero. Then next week i will go back on a weight loss plan...which i know is awful...But i could lose five lbs by Friday...then maintain for a weekend, then lose 5, then maintain...I'm desperately in need of a shove in the opposite direction. Like, my parents have been really absent, and Mary is doing everything she can to help, but its hard from so far away, and karli, well, i havent heard from her in days, even tho i gave her a nice note the other day... Maybe she took that as thinking i was ok and i dont need her right now. Gosh, its the complete opposite...*sigh* I feel pretty hopeless, like i would much rather be trying to lose weight right now rather then maintaining...Perhaps if i go on another walk i wont feel so full. my head is swimming.
Ya, so after school i went for a walk as i was texting Mary, and i guess i just kind of wandered and took random turns and ended up blocks away from home in a neighborhood i had never walked through...It was really random, then as i was walking i saw this house and the back yard, and i recognized it as the house where me and Amy had a fight. We were like five, and we were there because of a bible study thing, and there was this cool car thing, idk how to explain it, but anyway it was really fun until we started fighting about whose turn it was...I remember that so clearly, its like a video in my head. The memory was sweet but it made me sad at the same time. Bittersweet. Anyhoo, i walked home, and made myself a snack after a long time not knowing what to make. I made oatmeal and stirred in a graham cracker and a tbsp of nutella butter, and that was yummy, then i had some dry kashi cereal with another tbsp of Nutella. I shouldnt have had that second thing, idk, i guess i was craving something with crunch. :/
I felt out of place at school again today, i felt so good Mon. and Tues. because i was loosing weight, but that is just a lie my ed is telling me. I am believing it too, which makes me sad because its like i dont know how to stop believing it right now. I just didnt feel like myself, i wanted that sick body back...i wanted it so bad, i still right now want it so bad....I'm hanging on to the edge of this cliff by a pinky finger. Urgh, im going to go walk i think...just walk...anywhere...just to get out and clear up my mind a little and make myself feel not so lowsy...
Heres a few eats then i am off.
my oatmeal creation. Smores inspired. Tasty, i loved how the nutella melted so could be stirred in. Sad i didnt really enjoy it because it was, well, food. :(
Strawberrie smoothie breakfast. Some frozen strawberried blended w/ some icecubes. It wasnt that great, and too cold for a rainy day. I guess i wasnt thinking about that when i made it...
not a very nice pic, but i love this sweater from my uncle. i wear it all the time, so warm. :)
Last nights dinner. Pathetic, i know...but i couldnt do it. An apple was all i could do...Tomorrow i already want to eat less. I have barely made the minimum today(im not counting the cereal) but it feels like so so much. I hate it all. I hate it i hate it i hate it! I hate anorexia because it is making me hate food! I HATE it!! And im gonna go....buh-bye.
Maddi
xxx
1 comment:
Maddi,
I know you feel full right now, but that full is just another ED lie. You need every bite you can get, and I know it is hard to believe, but you will once you are at a healthy weight and look back at these times. Trust me. I know exactly how you feel, but you Must keep going. And about the cereal after your other snack, you should NEVER feel guilty about that or any other thing you eat! I hardly ever eat a bowl of cereal, yet I go through like a box or two a week that I just eat throughout the day. It is HEALTHY to eat, and eat the right amounts, even when we don't know what that is.
Please let me know if you need any support, or add me on FB or something. I really would like to talk to you :)
Scott
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