First Post :)

Hello. This is my first post on this blog. I started another one once...but I erased it. This time I want to keep this blog. The old one was full of things i dont want to remember. My life is a journey, and as I go through it, I just want to post my highlights on this blog, as a way for me to look back and reflect on them, and also so other people can read about them. Days are hard, days are fun, days are long, days are short, but either way we have to make it through them.

Today was an okay day. Better then yesterday and the weekend actually. I'm still sad, not myself...I want to recover. I was at a good weight for a few weeks, but already I feel a tug. I dont want to relapse, but it is already happening. I want to stop it. I want to have the strength to go to gym, and be strong, and be a good diver. I want a little yorkie puppy. I dont want my family to feel the stress that comes along with this disease. I am so ready to be done with it, yet it is such a strong addiction....:/
Anyway, mom and gar left for Cali today. dad is at work, and Clarissa is at dance, so its just me and the little ones. Its gonna be like that for a week, so i need to keep eating so that I am strong enough to take good care of them. I love them to pieces, but I really wish that I didnt have to watch them because I have a lot of homework that I need to do. Which I should be doing right now...Haha, i'll get to it, i always do. So ya. My weight just seems so high right now, but i know its not. :/ This is one of those days where I would just like to go to sleep and have it be over. I cant decide if I want to go eat something right now to keep from losing, or just give in and let it take me. I dont want to relapse, but the urge is so strong right now. I dont know why..maybe I'm anxious about...? I dont know what. I've been thinking about summer a lot lately and maybe the whole not wearing much clothing to cover myself up thing is scaring me....Making me worried. It shouldnt but it really is. I want that yorkie puppy tho, and I'm not going to get it if I give up! :( This is so hard. I have such good reasons to keep fighting, but ED has some really good reasons to give up! Thats why its such a war! Well, my mom requested that I get outside with the kids, so I think i might take them on a little walk. Besides, walking always helps me rest my mind. :)

Have a wonderful evening!
~Maddi~
xxx