Okay, so this is weird, two posts within a short time, but i cant not write this. I changed my mind. Like, in my last post i had changed my eating, I was eating, but now i changed my mind. I walked into my room, and was feeling bored and out of place, and i laid down on my floor. I was just laying there, thinking of what to do, and then i remembered i was going to make bracelets for Maya and Eliza. And i was just thinking and their bracelets are going to say "believe" and all of a sudden i thougt, Sh**! I'm not believing! Im not believing in anything! no wonder i dont want to eat...Not wanting to eat is like wanting to die. Like a suicidal person who really doesnt want to die, they just want help, they just want out of their cage. I just want help. And I really think the reason i couldnt bring myself to eat was because i wasnt believing. In anything! At all!!! Like, how can a person live without believing in a new day, and new chances, and better things?? I realize that is hard for me to have hope that things will get better....things dont go very well. My life just kind of sucks right now, im not going to lie. But why not believe in the little things to get me through this hard time??? Why not?? I only have to live here for two more years then i can go to college, and start a "new" life. I have to believe in the little things that make me happy, because even tho they pale in comparison to what i really need, really really need, at least they can help me to get through every day without those needs being met. They probably never will be met. My situation just wont allow for it. but why give up in EVERYTHING?!?! Because if i give up in everything, well, then i might as well kill myself.
I believe i am better then that! Even tho life might suggest otherwise, I BELIEVE that I can change. I will go on, I will start my own life. I want to be a heart surgeon. A heart surgeon!!!! I want to give all the love that i can, i want to save all the lives that i can. If I dont believe, well, i might as well give up on the dream of being a heart surgeon, who saves lives, and not only saves lives but also brings people to Christ.
Like a few days ago someone posted about believing. I guess i was so far...from wanting to believe, that i just didnt pay attention to it. But what the heck?!?! My life here, right now, its just a small portion! So what if the first 18 yrs of my life arent what i want them to be?? The rest of my life i can follow my dreams, and the path that God has for me. I just need to let go is all. Let go of these harmful desires that really arent me. They are desires of anorexia. not me! not Maddi!
Some times, like even now, i think, well why get better right now? I think what is the point? Like, why dont i just stay sick, then when i go to college get better? But i know those questions are just my ed trying to hurt me. I wish those thoughts would go away. They make me so miserable. but I need to believe that someday they will leave. Every time i fight against a relapse I grow stronger and my ed grows weaker. That is why i must recover now. With ed there is no later. later is dead... Now is my only option. While i have support, little as is might be, i can be thankful that i have any at all. if i wait till i move out of the house, I wont have any support. i will be alone, and i am sure i wouldnt make it. I need to believe that as i get stronger, my ed gets weaker.
i am not happy right now. just because i had this "revelation" does not make me happier, or any more comfortable with my self, but at least i have the courage to stand up again, and to fight. What if i hadnt thought of those bracelets??? I wonder, it must be a God thing...
I BELIEVE:
~that I can only succeed in school and become a surgeon if i am healthy so that my brain will work well
~that things might be bad now, but i have my whole life ahead of me
~that this disease, horrible as it is, will be looked back on in the future as the thing that saved me, even tho i dont know how right now
~that the few friends i do have truly do love me. I cant stop believing that. I cant let myself, even tho it is so hard not to on the days i feel alone
~that God is my true father. The emptiness that man might leave, and have left with me can be filled by the fact that He is my father.
~that in order to be a great diver and gymnast, i must be healthy and strong. On the days i dont have any hope, those things dont even matter to me, but i must believe that the choice i make about their importance now will effect the path of my life. A diving scholarship is possible, but only if i believe and shoot for it as a goal.
~that happiness, even if i cant EVER find it in this world, will be eternal if i have faith in God
~that ed thoughts wont haunt me forever.
~that i will get past this disease, and move forward.
I believe all these things and so much more!
I believe that love is VERY important, and I know how it is to not be loved, so i want to dedicate my life to loving others.
I believe that through my recovery, and my story, I can save lives. I have to believe that in some way, whether its through teaching, surgery, ministry, or writing, i will save peoples lives and souls. It is not about me. My struggles sometimes strangle me, they threaten to suck the life out of me. but I believe i have the power, through Christ who strengthens me, to push past the hard, day by day, and find the light, and share the light when it is found.
I also need to pay more attention to the things i love. I am so focused on what i need, but even tho it is a need, since it is not being met, i should move on. I should enjoy the little things in life. I should be more positive. practice makes perfect. lately i have been so...so...depressed i guess, that i havent enjoyed the little gifts that every day gives. I love so many things, it would take me forever to list them out. When i am down, i should look at the things i love more.
Why am i still having these thoughts to lose weight?? Its because my ed is still here. In the past i have just relapsed because it wont go away. But when i relapse it just comes back stronger. To recover, i need to keep fighting, even when the thoughts exhaust me, even when i want nothing more but to give up. I believe i can beat this, i have to or there is no point in trying. *sigh*
That was a lot. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically not so much because i have eaten so much. now I am trying to gain weight so I can go back to gymnastics next week. *sigh* Wow. Okay, goodnight i guess.
Maddi
xxx
I believe i am better then that! Even tho life might suggest otherwise, I BELIEVE that I can change. I will go on, I will start my own life. I want to be a heart surgeon. A heart surgeon!!!! I want to give all the love that i can, i want to save all the lives that i can. If I dont believe, well, i might as well give up on the dream of being a heart surgeon, who saves lives, and not only saves lives but also brings people to Christ.
Like a few days ago someone posted about believing. I guess i was so far...from wanting to believe, that i just didnt pay attention to it. But what the heck?!?! My life here, right now, its just a small portion! So what if the first 18 yrs of my life arent what i want them to be?? The rest of my life i can follow my dreams, and the path that God has for me. I just need to let go is all. Let go of these harmful desires that really arent me. They are desires of anorexia. not me! not Maddi!
Some times, like even now, i think, well why get better right now? I think what is the point? Like, why dont i just stay sick, then when i go to college get better? But i know those questions are just my ed trying to hurt me. I wish those thoughts would go away. They make me so miserable. but I need to believe that someday they will leave. Every time i fight against a relapse I grow stronger and my ed grows weaker. That is why i must recover now. With ed there is no later. later is dead... Now is my only option. While i have support, little as is might be, i can be thankful that i have any at all. if i wait till i move out of the house, I wont have any support. i will be alone, and i am sure i wouldnt make it. I need to believe that as i get stronger, my ed gets weaker.
i am not happy right now. just because i had this "revelation" does not make me happier, or any more comfortable with my self, but at least i have the courage to stand up again, and to fight. What if i hadnt thought of those bracelets??? I wonder, it must be a God thing...
I BELIEVE:
~that I can only succeed in school and become a surgeon if i am healthy so that my brain will work well
~that things might be bad now, but i have my whole life ahead of me
~that this disease, horrible as it is, will be looked back on in the future as the thing that saved me, even tho i dont know how right now
~that the few friends i do have truly do love me. I cant stop believing that. I cant let myself, even tho it is so hard not to on the days i feel alone
~that God is my true father. The emptiness that man might leave, and have left with me can be filled by the fact that He is my father.
~that in order to be a great diver and gymnast, i must be healthy and strong. On the days i dont have any hope, those things dont even matter to me, but i must believe that the choice i make about their importance now will effect the path of my life. A diving scholarship is possible, but only if i believe and shoot for it as a goal.
~that happiness, even if i cant EVER find it in this world, will be eternal if i have faith in God
~that ed thoughts wont haunt me forever.
~that i will get past this disease, and move forward.
I believe all these things and so much more!
I believe that love is VERY important, and I know how it is to not be loved, so i want to dedicate my life to loving others.
I believe that through my recovery, and my story, I can save lives. I have to believe that in some way, whether its through teaching, surgery, ministry, or writing, i will save peoples lives and souls. It is not about me. My struggles sometimes strangle me, they threaten to suck the life out of me. but I believe i have the power, through Christ who strengthens me, to push past the hard, day by day, and find the light, and share the light when it is found.
I also need to pay more attention to the things i love. I am so focused on what i need, but even tho it is a need, since it is not being met, i should move on. I should enjoy the little things in life. I should be more positive. practice makes perfect. lately i have been so...so...depressed i guess, that i havent enjoyed the little gifts that every day gives. I love so many things, it would take me forever to list them out. When i am down, i should look at the things i love more.
Why am i still having these thoughts to lose weight?? Its because my ed is still here. In the past i have just relapsed because it wont go away. But when i relapse it just comes back stronger. To recover, i need to keep fighting, even when the thoughts exhaust me, even when i want nothing more but to give up. I believe i can beat this, i have to or there is no point in trying. *sigh*
That was a lot. I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically not so much because i have eaten so much. now I am trying to gain weight so I can go back to gymnastics next week. *sigh* Wow. Okay, goodnight i guess.
Maddi
xxx
1 comment:
Hi Maddi,
So glad to hear you have a new found strength to fight. You are SOOO right, you have your entire life in front of you, and the only thing holding you back is ED and his stupid lies! I know you can break free, with your courage and strength. I think it is so wonderful to see that you can have the sense of mind to realise what can come of your future, and how even though ED is horrible, you can learn from it and become a better person.
And always remember that there is so much more support out there than you would ever imagine. You just have to open up, and people will understand. Plus, we are ALL here to help you on your journey back to health here in blog land!
Scott
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