Urgh!!! I need to say that!! my T appointment yesterday went well as i already said, but there is so much more I need to tell her! Like how my ED urges to lose weight have sky-rocketed since my mom got home from Cali.
I woke up this morning and was texting me lovie Mary, and i was eating breakie, and i told my mom some things i needed to do for the day. Not very many things either. Just that i needed to shower, pack, and do drivers ed homework, and that i wanted to take a walk. And you know what she does? She blew up in my face, accusing me of always having my own 'agenda' and not caring what she needs done and not being willing to help. But i am willing to help! It makes me so angry that just because there are some things i need to do she assumes i am going to ignore her for the rest of the day. She is so not understanding! I kind of blew up at her after that, and i know that isnt the best thing to do because it was kind of harsh, but harsh is all i know. Seriously, i am always being ridiculed and whatever, and yelled at, so when i am always treated like that, that is the only way i know how to treat them.
I think my mom is a huge part of my ED. There are so many factors in this tho. Like years of grief, then two consecutive terrible things happening in a short period of time, then the fact that i live with a VERY controlling person, and lastly, the whole "perfect family" thing, where i am the child who is the 'sponge' that sucks up all the pain. Sure, my weight is up, but i am a long way from no longer needing my T. I need her help seriously. it is these bad times when i want to lose weight, cut myself, or die. :/ Miserable. A lot of times taking a walk and blogging help, so when i am done with this post i am going to take a walk. I NEED to get out of the house. Sometimes i feel like i am drowning in here. I wish i could live with another family. And i should because both my mom and my dad have told me i should! They are so cruel to me! I am freaking out. I am going to take a walk, and maybe call Mary so i can express some of this stuff to her. Ugh, trying to hang in there....
Maddi
xxx
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2 comments:
Maddi,
i relate so so much to this post, and to your life...my mom is understanding a lot of the time, but recently she has been acting pretty much how you described your mom, assumin things, so harsh, and just saying how we take up all of her time, and wasting money and time etc etc... :( we dont deserve to be ridiculed at all, this is a disease and we do not choose to live with an ED...and ugh it pains me so much how many girls with EDs families' dont understand their daughters at all...a walk sounds perfect, i think walks are so theraputic and get my mind off my life as well...but gosh it is snowing like crazy here, so no walk for me :/ i hope your day gets better lovie, and your friend Mary can give you lots of support! sending all my love.
xx
Eliza
Ah, thanks for the support. Just little notes like this are needed on days like today when it feels like everything is falling apart. My mother is making my life very difficult, and knowing that you can relate helps me not feel so, idk, messed up or whatever. Thanks for the love. :)
Maddi
xxx
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