...but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. ~Isaiah 40:31

Just a cool picture and a cool verse! :) Haha, random I know! Today was a half day because of 9th and 10th grade protocol, which I thankfully am not going to. Thankful because 1.) it entails getting a expensive dress, or borrowing one, which is never fun, 2.) Its a late night, and I WANT SOME SLEEP!!! :) and 3.) body image sucks right now, so to have to compare myself to all the other girls all night would be a challenge I definitely am not up for! Ah, so I am happy for the half day! :) I may go for a bike ride, but arg, I really wish there was swimming on Fridays! :P Well, I guess I will just have to wait till tomorrow. :P But I CAN go for a bike ride, and other then that I will maybe take a nap in the sunshine(I have a cold now, bleh, so maybe some sleep will help) And I have some homework catching up to do, not much, but some. Also my collage! I havent worked on that in what feels like forever, but my little box with cute pics and such is filling up, so I may just have to do that! And then tonight at like 8:30 I may go to the Truth Project thing at the Poages. I dont know if it is happening tonight tho, so thats not for sure.

Well, thats my night! Gosh, even after yesterdays binge, which usually leaves me feeling like dirt on the ground, I am still fairly happy! Like yes, the option of being all depressed and hating myself is def. there, but I am not taking it! Being happy is so much better, and honestly, I think I COULDNT be happy before because I was COMPLETELY listening to the lies of Satan, and ignoring God. Ah, I LOVE Him!!! Looking out the window and seeing the beauty only confirms His amazingness!

Yes, I am completely struggling with body image. For so long I have been underweight, then to all of a sudden not be, ugh, I now rationally that with all the swimming, and a job that entails miles of walking, and just my overall very active life style, I should NOT be underweight. But agh...I am eating normal...and I know that eating 'normal' will result in me loosing weight since I need A LOT more than 'normal.' Yet I still am doing that, because I want that reassurance that I am underweight, so everything is ok, and that way ED is still a part of me. I cant seem to let go...It takes time, it even takes years, for that longing to subside. I need to get used to being at a healthy weight. As long as I am not, even if I am not waaay underweight, ED would still be controlling me, controlling my food options, and controlling my ability to grow up and be a frickin woman who has frickin periods! No, I DO NOT want my period back, preferably ever, but I know it is what is healthy...I'm afraid that as long as I dont have it, I will still be hanging on to my ED. I'm also afraid that when I get it, I will be scared s***less, and loose the battle I thought I was winning, and loose the pounds that made the difference. And gosh...I know I will have to be at a higher weight to get it because it requires body fat, and with all this swimming I am gaining muscle, not fat so much. Well, I would hope that is the case...;)

lol, sorry if that is major TMI, its just been on my mind a lot the last few days as I try to adjust, and try to prepare my mentality for change(gaining more weight) that may have to happen. Oh, and I am hungry, so I am going to go eat some rhubarb bread that just came out of the oven!:D I just have to love my moms baking...doesnt happen often, but when it does it is delish!
Maddi
xxx