Hi!

Ok, so this post will be a little different, but fun :) :

Hi, my name is Madeline, but I prefer to be called Maddi. And guess what?? I HAVE A LIFE!!!!! Yes, it is true. God has blessed me with so much, and I am going to live the life that was meant for me. Anorexia?? Yes, I have had a bit of a bout with that...but it is not my life. Rather, my life is my life! :)

Lets say this: Throughout the last year, I have learned a lot about a mental disorder called anorexia. Not just learned about it, but experienced it. But I have also learned a lot about myself throughout the year. A lot about who I am, and how capable I am. I have also learned a lot about God, and how capable he is of saving me. ME!!! A person I thought not deserving of such grace. A person I HATED! And now where am I??? I am on the other side of the fire...I went through the fire to reach God, he pulled me out of the fire.

Are ED thoughts still an issue? Yes...I admit they are. But are they ruling my life anymore?? NO! They cant! I am way too busy with other things, school, work, swimming, college. I cant even find time to fit ED in! There are still thoughts that I wish I could act on. i am still uncomfortable with my body. I still have body dismorphia. But I believe that will change in time. Besides, I dont have time to fuss so much over how I look! I know this: I will be a better worker, a better swimmer, a better diver, and a better student, if I let my body get to its optimum weight. Even if that weight is a number that is higher then I want, which obviously it is, I will be such a better person for it! So my new plan is this: to STOP counting calories, STOP weighing myself everyday, as if that is even accurate, and STOP looking at my thighs!!(sorry, but my thighs are the most DISLIKED part of me!). And that may seem impossible, but guess what? ITS NOT! Because two years ago I didnt do any of those things! And guess what?? I was PERFECT! My mom took me to a personal trainer who did a body fat comp and such, and she determined I was at the perfect weight and health for me! :) I CAN get back to that. I have NEVER been fat. EVER!!! And guess what??? I NEVER WILL BE!!!!!! (ok, so maybe when I am really old...although I doubt it because all the woman in the family have just gotten thinner as they have gotten older, lol) Life is MINE!

So, the reasons for this change in attitude, the reasons for this determination to give anorexia up, leave it behind, stomp it out, and maybe help people overcome it in the future, are many. One is God. I would not be here without His grace!! The Sunday before last I sat on the kitchen stool with a kitchen knife in my hand, not knowing what to do. But I am free from that. With various creative ways, the LORD helped me to see things as they are, he took the scales from my eyes, HE revealed Satan's lies as just that: LIES. I can now see the truth. I can now drink the truth. I now have a desire to spend time in God's word. I now have the desire to spread His word. I now have the desire to LIVE! God gave me Karli, the dear friend who has stayed by my side, even when I pushed her away. He has given me a mother who, regardless of my awful actions and words toward her, has never given up on me. God has given me a second chance. I prayed a couple years ago that God would make something difficult happen in my life that would bring me closer to Him: I prayed that because I felt no need for Him in my life, but at the same time I did want to know Him. But I didnt have a deep need for Him, so I prayed for one. And, God gave me the death of Jiang...And through that I believed Satans lies, about life and myself. And God pulled me through. He wouldnt have given me the hard task he set before me if he didnt believe I could make it through. As much as I hate that Jiang Liyun is gone, as much as I want to hold her and love her, I can thank God for bringing her into my life for such a short time. I can thank Him for giving me a reason to LOVE him and WANT to know Him.

I DO have a life now. I have the dream job! I want to be a doctor, what could be better then my FIRST real job being in the enviroment I dream of working in?? I am SO blessed to have gotten this job! Just seeing the patients, and blessing them by giving them a smile, or leaving a little note on their tray, is just such an exciting thing for me! :D I really cannot wait! My life is taking off, going in the direction I want it to! And I know there will be bumps along the way. Going through my ED has tought me that. But now I have GOD! So anything the world throws at me, even if its harder then the things I have been through in the past, I can get through! Because of Christs love for me, I can get through. To the end, to the other side of this life, to the eternity in heaven that i know I will have because of my love for my Father, and His love for me.

Another HUGE thing in my life is college!!! Only 16 and I am going to college! I CAN NOT WAIT! I will be taking some REALLY challenging classes, but I am up for it. I love to challenge myself in academics. not the past year granted, I have slacked off a ton, but I have an intense drive to succeed in college, then move on to finish my two years at Whitworth, then, if God wills, go to medical school! Are my dreams set on majoring in medicine?? Yes! But if my life takes me on another path I can handle that as well! While medicine is my hearts desire now, there are other things I find joy in, like athletics, and children. God has blessed me with many gifts which i can use in many areas of life!

And swimming! I have only gone two days, but it makes me feel so great! So happy with my body and my abilities! I have only been going two days in my life, some of these girls have gone for years, and I can keep up with them! :) I LOVE it! And my job may take some time from it, but once summer swim team starts it is in the morning so I wont have to worry about that! When i swim laps in the pool I just feel so in touch with myself. its hard to explain, but it is great!

God has given me the ability to be caring, the ability to be strong, and the ability to love. And He is my ROCK, my FORTRESS, and my DELIVERER! In the past year, I have learned that a life without Him is a life that I cannot live. It is a life that ultimately ends with destruction. By His grace alone, I am no longer living that life. i am living life for Him.
Maddi
xxx