Yup, so my T appt. went well, nothing much to report there. We talked about some friend stuff, and about choices, and how recovery is about MY choice, not anyone elses. And then, dun dun dun, I got weighed. Blah...BMI of 17.8. :( NOT GOOD!!!!! I didnt think I was doing THAT bad!!! Thats like 4 lbs lost in just a week...:/ And ED is SOOOOO nagging at me today, telling me again and again that I am FAT! But o my gosh NO! :( Ugh...I was eating 2000 or more calories every day, how is that not even close to enough??? So now I need to gain weight...rationally I know that...but can I??? I am so sick of gaining weight, its always gain this, gain that, oh no, now you have gained too much, loose this, loose that, oh, now you need to gain! :/ I dont know what to do! Like...I new I *might* loose some on how much I was eating, but not anything close to that much! Its like I cant maintain without using the scale...yet I dont want to go back to using the scale as my judge! I always feel so tied down by it, and my food choices are completely ruled by it...Either way I dont like the number I see so I binge or starve. I have felt soooo free the last week, not having to rely on it, feeling more free to eat what I please. Yes, I was counting calories, but thats different...I still feel so much more free, and eventually I wont feel the need to count. But ugh...finding out my weight today was like a big slap in the face, like "uh, dude, its not that easy!" So yes, I am disappointed...disappointed that I didnt do better, that my body needs so much stinking food to maintain, let alone to gain...And I feel disappointed that I couldnt do it on my own, without my worst enemy the scale. I hate the scale, yet its like my crutch. :/ I have decided I am going to weigh myself next Friday. So another week without. And if my weight continues to drop drastically like it has, even with added calories, I will subdue myself to the scale and its command. I dont want to. my ED doesnt want me to. But I may have to.
Anyhow, lunch today was certainly a challenge! I was feeling so confused after my appointment, going between wanting to eat and not wanting to, just not sure at all what I wanted, but I pushed the ED out and enjoyed a few treats! :) I had a small amount of Hungarian Mushroom soup, which was sooo yummy and perfect and hot for the cold and rainy day that it was! And I had this...
Black bean and corn salad! :) I ate about a third of it...Then for dessert I bought this, which was probably the hardest thing to do, but I really enjoyed it! :)
A Vegan Hawaiian Cookie! Mmmmm, so fruity, and it also tasted a lot like a oatmeal cookie, and I adore oatmeal cookies! My fave! :)
Then for a snack later, I had this beauty we picked up at PCC too...
Dagoba dark chocolate with lavender and blueberries! Ah, so good! Theo is still my fave brand, but this was good! I split it with my mom! :)
Random sidewalk chalk art from a couple days ago!Well, that was my day. We went to Costco when we got home and got some more food, like Clif bars which are a must for me, and also some really good cold cereal. Cinnamon pecan or something...Anyway, I like it. Then I went for a walk with Chiro, and we got attacked by a rottweiler, that pinned Chiro on the ground...and bit at his throat, and I pushed it off, and it was SOOOO scary! It left me and Chiro pretty shaken up...
Tomorrow I have swim at 9:30, then home for homework-bible test, worksheet, and a biology paper. Then work at 5, and after work I am going to Karli's house! :D yay! It has been so long! She is working that night too, so she is just gonna take me home from there. I am so happy we can finally spend some decent time together! :)
Despite the confusion and difficulty of weight/food issues, which I know will just take time to get better, life is certainly moving forward! :) Remember to always move forward, it is the way God wants you to go! And I want that for you too! :)
Maddi
xxx
2 comments:
I hate the stupid weight gain confusion. I wish that weight didn't matter, and that we could just eat and ENJOY eating the amount we're eating without having to worry about numbers all the time. Counting calories, measuring weight, calculating exchanges. ERGH! so frustrating... My "team" doesn't want me to count calories but they want me to count exchanges and stuff and make sure I'm getting enough. And weigh-ins and stuff to make sure I'm gaining. ERGH. Counting TO eat is almost more stressful than counting to NOT eat, ya know?
Eek that's so scary about your poor dog! I'm always scared to let my dog out at night because my house is in the woods and there are a bunch of coyotes and racoons, and she's really little!
I'm glad you're being positive. And it's good that you're able to spend quality time with your friends. I have a few friends who when I'm around them, my mentality goes WAY up.
Oh, and YES I"D LOVE A BRACELET! That's so nice of you! Thank you so much! I'll make something for you too!
~Alexandra
Ooh that cookie looks nice, well done for challenging yourself on the food front.
You've been doing alot of stuff recently Maddi, and will most likely need to eat more to compensate for this, especially as the weeks go on. This weight loss doesn't have to become a downward spiral...don't listen to the ED's lies, but celebrate your body as a friend and helper. Look at all the amazing things it lets you do, so long as you give it enough nutrition.
Sarah x
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