I have so much to say!

All of these are pics from my last trip to Seattle except the last one-that is the MAX that my dad and I traveled through Portland on during the Vancouver trip! :)

Anyway, i dont know where to start! What I DO know tho is that my life has definitely changed for the better since Friday! :)

Lets see...so Friday i was still SOOO out of it...I had hardly had anything to eat, plus a lot of walking. We stayed at the Camlin hotel Thursday night, I LOVE that hotel! I stayed up way late watching Iron Chef on Food network, that is such an amazing show, I dont know how they do it, its crazy! The next morning I walked to the Starbucks and had black coffee and a yogurt parfait. Yum...Then it was off to my appt. i had already had one on Thursday, but i got another, and it was a double, so my mom went first and ended up taking like the entire time! :/ but that was ok.. Anyway, my T called me in and they told me i could start swimteam!!!! Omg, I was SOOOO happy! :D I had wanted to, and my mom seemed so...idk, she just didnt seem open to it, which is part of why I was loosing weight again, because i didnt have a reason to not. So I was thrilled! Then later I made the hardest but best decision! We had to wait around for another appt., so we went and hung out in Kirkland. I got a adorable top in a little boutique there btw, and it was super cheap! Anyway, my mom went to a Taco Del Mar for lunch and ordered a big fish taco to share with Naomi. Well, for the longest time there was a war in my head, my ED soooo didnt want me to eat, but i knew i had to if I wanted to start swimming asap, so i beat the devil, and had a little of the burrito! Ya, it wasnt much, but it was a start! Then later i got Ben and Jerry's ice cream! Omg, best flavor EVER! It was cinnamon ice cream with oatmeal cookie and chocolate chips in it! i about died! :)

Saturday was a fun day, I ate a lot so i could be a little closer to a healthy weight for swim team. I am a good ten pounds under, so even tho I am swimming, I am trying to beat ED and gain the weight. I know it would only make me a better swimmer...but still, i feel so fat in some places...I dont look in the mirror when I am in my swimsuit, :/. Ok, so Saturday we watched the big parade, and that was really good this year! Then i had the most fantastic skype convo with Scott, and that was so fun, and just really helped too, because I had been feeling soooo lonely, for a few reasons I wont go into. It was really fun talking tho, we got on some weird subjects, like talking about gerbils and hamsters...lol.

Sunday was awful...and I wont write much about it because I am still so sad, but a lady who was really close to the Poages, and who I knew, died of cancer Sunday morning and I found out during church when i saw karli crying and it was so sad, I had to leave in the middle of service and went and just cried hard. It is soo hard...it brings back the pain from when Jiang died. I worked on my collage a lot that night, I couldnt concentrate on anything else...and I had a good talk with Mary(finally!) and we talked and cried and talked about death, and how satan will use anything to make us believe his lies...it was helpful talking to her. My heart still hurts when I think of this lady, Holly, I dont know why, death is a good thing, she is in heaven now, but she left behind two little children and a husband, and so many people who knew and loved her...but I know she is free from her suffering now, and like Jiang, i will someday see her in heaven...

Monday and today have been pretty dandy! I have absolutely LOVED swimteam! And I think I am even eating enough to maintain, which i was really nervous about being able to do! :) the girls on the team are all REALLY nice, a couple of them I even know from my old church, so that is fun! And today i shared a lane with two other girls, Anne and Paige(i think thats her name?) and they were really nice! Also, I have been able to keep up really well! Like this girl Anna has been swimming forever, and she was a bit faster then me but I was able to get as much done as her because i wasnt far behind!!! And the coach, not Darcy, but like a sub, was so nice and said I had a beautiful freestyle and backstroke! yay!!!! :D I love it so much, i cant wait till Thursday to get back in! And hopefully the real coach will be there!

Today i had a job interview for that hospital job i really want. i think it went well, but they told me they have lots of applicants, so i am not sure. But I think my hard physical work in orchards history plus knowing Karli was a plus. Keeping my fingers crossed!

One last thing is speech meet is this Friday!! Ahhh, I hate speech meet! last year was awful, my speech was about adoption and it was only a day after we found out about my little sis so I cried through the whole speech! :( It was so bad, but the judges were so understanding and I still got the excellent award. Anyway, i am doing the same speech, only adjusted a little since now we have Naomi, and I really just hope i dont break down and cry...I think i can contain it tho...

OK, just ONE more thing. I have LOVED working on my collage! i dont have a lot of time to do it, but I make time to usually put at least one thing in a day. It helps so much to just turn on some good music and work on it when I am feeling lonely or sad. I fill it with pretty pictures and scripture verses that mean a lot to me, and some quotes and such, and sometimes just little thoughts. It has been so great, such an encouraging, uplifting, thing to do! :)

I hope you are all well! I really do, i hope everyone who is struggling with an ED can make it through this. I'm not out of it yet, but I do have faith that the other side is worth fighting for! Love you all!

Maddi

xxx