Around and around we go...

The Mariner MOOOOSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

The baseball game was a blast!!!! :D The whole first 7 innings were pretty slow, and the Mariners were stinking it up and loosing 4 to 1, but things turned around bottom of the eight!!! :) A home run was hit, and then lots of great plays, and they ended up winning 5 to 4!!! 4 points in one inning! It was so exciting! And I found out the next day at school that I had made it on TV! Whooot! :) Haha, my teacher showed me a screen shot, I am clapping and look super excited!!

This is Stephanie! The 4th graders came along with us, and I volunteered to be a buddy with one who didnt have a parent there. We just had to make sure they got in and out of the stadium and to the bus ok, but me and Steph ended up hanging out the entire time! It was so fun!!!! I had been really concerned about who I would hang out with, the only person I remotely wanted to hang with was Madison, and she wasnt there, so this worked out perfectly! I wasnt sitting near any of the girls in my class and I was totally ok with it! Oh, I just loved it, seriously, God knew what I needed for the day. We just had so much fun talking and walking around the stadium, buying hot chocolate because it was really cold! Funny thing is, I bought icecream later...lol. But ya, Steph is so cute, and so mature for her age, and just a joy to be around, I really couldnt have asked for a better buddy for the day. Besides Mary of course, I would have loved if she was there. But we texted a lot on the bus ride there and back, so in a way she was there!

Anyhow, on to some other stuff. Eating/weight/life, related stuff. Starting yesterday night eating has been a little off the charts. Like, um, on the bus ride back I ate a ton of min chips ahoy cookies that Ali had, and as if that wasnt enough I had a lot of icecream when I got home. :/ So ya, I felt majorly guilty about that, but then I realized that with all the swimming it was probably the perfect amount to maintain. Only it didnt stop there...I binged when I got home from school today. :( I was feeling so so so discouraged, and trust me, I feel SO fat. But I can turn this around, and not let it destroy me or rule me for a couple reasons. One, is that I can kind of put a finger on why I did this. I think it has to do with finding out my weight last Friday. I am regretting that I looked, but at least I learned my lesson. I guess it just caused me to freak out a bit. So I ate and ate and ate to compensate for the anxiousness. I dont know if I will gain anything from this binge, probably not, rationally thinking, because with all the work and swim, even if i did, if i eat normal for the next week my weight will go back down to where it was. i know that....its just hard to believe when i feel so unbelievably huge...thankfully I dont feel gross tho now. Actually hungry! But thats just my tummy, my body oon the other hand feels fine, i am not even tired! Sorry this is so random and not really organized or easy to read, I just need to get it out ya know??? Ok, well anyway, I am not giving up with this. I can do this. I am not gonna binge tomorrow. Nor am I going to restrict, as much as I want to. Thats going to be really hard since tomorrow at grandparents day there is food, which is not good because then I wont know calorie content, which often times leads to a binge, and if that isnt enough I have a slumber party that night....So it may be hard but I have it planned out, how I can make it through the day without feeling like I have had too much. Wow, seriously, this must be weird to read! ;) Ugh...When I go to my T appt. next Friday I am not going to look at the number on the scale. Not going to happen. For some reason the number is scaring me. It was too low last time, I know that, but it still would have been better to not know at all, and just have my T tell me I should or shouldnt gain more. Without knowing the number, I am less likely to binge because I wont know how "fat" I am. And I am less likely to restrict because although ED loves it, I dont want to be too underweight. So not knowing the number helps me to live by what my body is telling me more than what the scale is telling me.. Thats why I was so discouraged, because I havent even looked at the scale since that appt, yet I still binged!!!! :P I am a bit freaked still, dreading waking up in the morning to a less bony chest and flabby arms and thighs. But rationally I know it doesnt work like that. Rationally rationally rationally....If only both sides of my brain were rational...I dont know what exactly prompted this sporaticness, perhaps I really wasnt getting near enough so my body, once I gave it more food, just kept screaming for more?? Or perhaps there were just deep feelings, like sadness, that I ignored, and used food to cover up??? Maybe??? Maybe I am sad, I need something, but I dont want to need anything, and I really dont want to be unhappy, I want to show people I can last happy for more than just a while, and more than just when my circumstances are good. And I AM happy! I genuinely believe that! But that doesnt mean I wont have unhappy days, and last evening I wasnt really happy, but I tried to ignore it, and not believe that any sadness was there, and perhaps I was using food things to cover it up...I think maybe so...Anyhow, tomorrow is a new day, next week is a new week. Next week is a week where I can properly nourish my body, and properly take care of my feelings! And not starting Monday, but starting tomorrow! I CAN and WILL succeed in recovery. There are setbacks, there are mountains to climb, and rivers to forge, but God is my rock and my fortress and my DELIVERER. So things will change, in time. I have faith.

Congrats if you read all that! Phew, it felt good to get out! :)

Have a fantastic weekend everybody!

Maddi

xxx