I have a choice to make.
I can fake recovery-gain the weight, eat healthy, and just suffer through not being "in control", or I can stay sick, giving up diving and college as I slowly kill myself. I don't feel ready to move on, I don't feel ready to stop what I am doing, but I must face that it's the only option. It's do or die. I can give up everything important in my life and slowly fade away, or I can eat. Even if the reasons I choose not to eat aren't resolved, I can do it. Someone told me the other day that if I have enough will power to NOT eat, then I would have the will power TO eat.
I have options. I can go IP. I can live at home and be miserable and not allowed to dive or go to college. Or I can give up the idea of disapearing and live my life. I don't know why I am having such a hard time decideing, the answer should be obvious! But the pull of just...disapearing...is so strong. I could, I know I could. LIVING is harder it seems, but is it worth it too? Can I believe it's worth it? Do I want to believe it's worth it??? I think somewhere inside of me I do, I think I know that I CAN get through this.
In the end it is all up to me. People can try to keep me alive, but in the end it is still up to me. I think I will try to live. I don't know why, I don't exactly know what I am going to live for, but for now I think I will choose life.
Maddi
xxx
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5 comments:
Recovery is the right choice, whether you see it now or not.
But it is not about "faking" recovery either. "Just eating" will not solve your problems, and that is a sure way to end up sling back into ED's grasps in the future. Instead, the solution is to eat and gain the weight #1. Then focus on reforming your MIND, because that is what will save you in the end.
There are things to live for, but you will not be able to see that until you are at a healthy weight and ignoring ED's voice for some time.
Staying sick may be safe and easy for all of us with EDs, but it is the absolute worst decision that we can make for our futures and the greater good. Look forward, Maddi, and you will be able to go places!
You CAN do this if you so choose.
Sending the courage to ignore your fears,
Lexi
An expression that is both my best friend's and my dad's favorite is "fake it 'till you make it." That's not to say that you should cover your emotions, but that even if you really don't feel like you want to recover, if you keep at it eventually it's going to happen for real. For me, I pretend that my family is "one big happy family" (we're NOT, but then we start laughing about how dysfunctional we are and end up having a great time). We pretend that eating meals together is not traumatic, horrible, or stressful for everyone. Turns out they aren't, huh. I pretend that it's fun to eat gluten free and dairy free, even though some of my favorite foods in the whole wide world are yogurt, ice cream, bagels, and muffins, and then- wow!- it does seem fun to look for alternatives! Not all the time of course, but a lot more often than I would have thought.
Talk anytime, girl. Love you!
Lucie
Finding a reason to live for might not be the answer - rather, finding something within you that makes you WANT to live.
You mentioned diving and college. Those things can't be done if you're unwell, or if you're not here at all. There are so many people that love you and care for you and will be there for you if ever you need help - asking for help isn't failing, it isn't giving in or being worthless. It's showing strength and courage and fight.
Maybe the "fake it til you make it" attitude is the right attitude to take. It gets you going, and may eventually encourage you to actually make it, for real, for you.
You're worth fighting for - a life outside of this is worth fighting for, however hard and long the battle may go on.
No one is asking you to do this perfectly. Everyone falls down sometimes, but you are strong enough to get back up again. Hold on to Maddi.
<3
Eleanor
Maddi, let me just assure you that no matter what you may think, Recovery IS IS IS IS worth it!!!!!!!! No doubt about it, 10000% worth it. And I know you know that Maddi. And if you can't see that now, than your only option is to fake it, which will turn into your mind getting healthy and you will actually WANT recovery for what it is: LIFE!
Maddi, you deserve this so much and I am supporting you all the way. Lets skype when you can ok? It is tough with school, but any time after 2:30 ish should work.
Praying for you Maddi,
Scott
I remember feeling like this at the beginning of last year. Even when I was an inpatient at the start of my recovery I didn't 'want' to recover. But it was when I was shown what recovery (and life) could give me, that I started wanting it. Sometimes you have to give it a try in order to see for yourself how much better life could be.
It's about taking a leap of faith and giving recovery a go. If I could go back, I would reassure my former self that there were so many amazing things to come, and so I say the same to you. Whilst things may seem awfully difficult now, there are always better things ahead - please stick around and see them. Don't miss out on all the happiness, the new people and the exciting experiences that are waiting for you in your future.
Sarah x
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