Heeeelpppp!

Ok, so I have a problem, and its sorta kinda been fixed but not really, and I just really need to get out my frustration about the whole thing!

So about a monthish, month and a half ago, I started binging and purging, which is sooooo bad, I know. I was doing that and I thought my parents didnt know but they did know, the entire time, and didnt stop me. Well finally it came out, and I asked John, the new guy, to help me get rid of this habit before it became anything worse. We concluded that the best idea now would be to have my parents stop me when they saw me eating more than I should, and so I asked my parents to stop me when they saw me. Well this worked for a couple of weeks, I got away with it maybe twice, so I was considering it to be a pretty successful idea. Not for long....I b/ped again, with my parents at home, three days in a row, today being that third. Now here is the thing-they cant stop me because they dont want me to NOT eat, so when they see me eating that is ok, its just when I eat too much. Problem is, I have been purging on amounts that arent that much. Like John was explaining to me that people with bulimia will eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Well that isnt me at all! I usually dont exceed a days worth of calories. So now i have learned that I can b/p and still loose weight, so I have done that the past three days. Also I can appear normal to my family and eat meals with/in front of, them. But then I just go and throw it all up. Yesterday I threw up every meal I ate. What is wrong with me??? I wanted to stop, so I came up with a way to, but then I just got around that "block" and I am back at it!!! My family is clueless, I feel like I could die from the inside out without them realizing whats happening until its too late. Really tho, what is wrong with me that I cant stop, I know I am killing myself. You might say, well no duh, anorexia usually follows that path, but this is different. When I am starving I know what is happening, and I know my body is strong, but purging is a whole different matter, it scares the hell out of me. And the desire to loose weight is there too, its like now I am loosing weight by eating but throwing up everything I eat, rather than just not eating. And what really really frustrates me is how easy it is for me to purge!!! Like most people (at least from what I have researched and heard) gain weight after a b/p session. Well, I am not one of those people, and that also scares me shitless. I actually LOOSE weight after a b/p episode, its just way too easy for me, I can get sooo empty after being soooo full, how do I even do that?? I hate this, I hate this pit I have fallen into, I dont have the ability to get myself out of it! What if I DO kill myself??? I am so scared, after I purged tonight I realized this was all soo so bad, and I have been realizing that all along, but I need help. What can I do tho? Would inpatient help or would that just make it worse if they force me to stop, then I miss it?? I think about asking to be admitted, just because I dont want to die, I really really dont. What happens to a person if they throw up everything they eat??? Ah, it scares me so bad, it really does, but I dont want to ask for inpatient because think of what I would have to give up! Diving, and school, and my job, but then if I was dead I would loose those things anyway...I know I have a strong body, I know from all the activities I have done through my life, like years of gymnastics, but how much more can it take?? God gave me ONE body, and it is dying faster than it should, what do I do??? I can keep trying, but i feel like I try for a day, then the next day think "i feel like binging and purging, so I will even tho I know I shouldnt!" Seriously, it is like that and it is awful, thats why I really dont know what to do! I just want the old eating disorder back, the restriction only one, now I have this stupid purging thing, loosing weight by just purging, its hurting me so bad, I dont feel the pain, but I am not stupid!! I have done the research and all, and I know how bad it is for you, lots of people have died from just regular bulimia, and the chances of death are even higher for anorexia with purging, its like bulimia but without leaving ANYTHING for the body. Its a death sentence...I am sorry if this is really triggering, I dont really know what is to people, I know pictures obviously would be, but I dont know about words, so I am sorry if this is. I just feel like I am falling further in to hell. But why?? I have soooo much to look forward to! Like diving, it starts on the 23rd, and my goal is to make state this year, but how can I if I am as weak as I was last year, when I had no leg muscle? And what about school too?? I know starving doesnt effect my grades, honestly my grades were better when I was because I was so goal driven, but I am not talking grades, I am just talking relations. Who would want to be friends with me if I am sick, isolated, stuck in a world of my own? I feel trapped in my own world, I want out, I want to explore and see the world with FREE eyes, not a mind that cant not think of food for more than an hour! And my job, it is so perfect for me as it is in a hospital and I want to go into health care, but soon I am going to be IN the hospital as a PATIENT, because I am so unhealthy! Ugh, please, someone unlock this cage I am in! :(

Sorry this is so depressing, I am actually a happy person, just not about this one topic, and I needed to express this, and I need some advice if anyone has any, or just your encouragement, i always feel so encouraged after reading the comments you all leave! :)

I must go to bed, but happy posts will come, I promise!

Maddi
xxx