Weeeell, it is Tuesday. Not sure what I think about that...it should still be Monday tho, Monday seems to have sped by! Oh well...

The BBQ yesterday was fun, I was a little disapointed because I only got to see 2 out of 4 of the friends I wanted to see but that is alright. And although we won't be on the same highschool swim/dive teams next year because I live on the other side of the river, we will still see eachother at swim meets! Speaking of swimming I got in my pool for an hour this morning and it felt great to get in, although I am really tired at the moment! :)

I left the BBQ early to go to a friends going away party. It was her and a group of girls from my old class. Although it wasn't my sort of night, I still had fun. It was weird, I felt like a normal teenage girl...thing is, i didn't exactly love what we did, I suppose I just have a different idea of fun! I DID have fun tho, there was lots of laughter. What we did is we all illegally piled 8 people into a slugbug and drove around town doing random things like drive thru Wendy's and buy manderin oranges, and we went to this fountain downtown and waded around, and we wentto a track and ran around it and then we drove down this one long street in the dark and yelled at people walking a long while blasting music. It was scary considering it was illegal. Like I said, I did have fun, but I wouldnt risk it again! after that we drove to another girls house and watched The Bounty Hunter, but it's a boring movie so I left.

Eating stuff is still a struggle. I ate enough to maintain yesterday and it is killing me knowing that, I feel like I need to restrict today and tomorrow to make up for it. :/ there is a certain number in my head that I just can't escape, I want it soooo bad, but for whatever reason I can't quite get to that weight. And I am only two pounds shy!!! I know I shouldn't get to that weight but right now it feels like I MUST. Am I trying to cope with stress or pain?? Both maybe?? Mr. L's accident definitely had an effect on me, ever since that Sunday two weeks ago I haven't been able to get more than six hours of sleep, which, combined with the amount of food I am eating, is not good for me. But for some reason my mind can't rest, I usually fall asleep around 1 am and wake up again at 3:30 am. Those are the worste nights. If I am lucky I will sleep from 1 to 6:30. I also think missing my friend K who is Honduras is another really difficult thing right now. We have been emailing alot, but on the days she isn't able to respond I just feel so lonely. I also feel like I don't deserve to eat, I have just been seeing all of th suffering in this world, and why should I get to enjoy food?? I feel nothing but emptiness after eating, like it just isn't right...my new therapist suggested that maybe it's OCD, but I would have to disagree. I agree with mynold therapist who believes it is a coping method. I must be true because that space visiting my friend Mary and before Karli left I was doing so well. I still wasn't at all comfortable with my body but at least I was willing to fight the voice of ED. But once my life stared falling apart again, once the really steady relationship I had broke away, I turned to what I know helps numb me from a pain that I just can't handle. Same goes for cutting, only that is when I just can't accept how much of a failure I am/was. I don't eat to numb, I cut to numb when I do eat. It's all so complex, so deep, what makes me unable to Handel some things without bringing harm to myself. And writing this I should realize why I am doing what I am doing and just stop, but it just doesn't work that way. Instead I write this, and I know that when I am done writing it I need to go take a walk to burn off the extra calories that kept me from loosing weight yesterday...

Well I have to go, my mom is stressing me out majorly so I AM actually going to take a walk to get out of the house after I finish abload of chores. :/ today is already a crapy day, it started when I woke up this morning knowing I hadn't lost weight. What is really going on inside tho? I wish I knew...then I could figure this out and not have the symptom. Anorexia is a symptom, a display on the outside of something on the inside...

Anyway, I love you all, your endless support is worth so much to me!

Maddi
xxx