Not fun...

Okkkk, so I really don't want to go on another long rant like the last 2 posts, but I just mght! ;) fair warning...:)

Today has NOT been a fun day....and it's supposed to be! It's my big brothers graduation/birthday/goodbye party! He leavs on Thursday for San Diego, where he is going to college at Point Loma. I'm not sure how I feel about him leaving, I guess I haven't given it much thought, but now with the date of his departure so close it is sort of starting to hit that he is going to be GONE and I never really got the chance to know him!!! I feel bad, like he is my brother, we are supposed to be at least somewhat connected, but things have changed, we did used to be close, I think the year he was in 9th grade we really started to grow apart and go in our own directions, his leading him to the public school and away from family, mine digging me into a little sheltered hole. We just had/have opposite desires in life, it doesn't seem like there is any common ground except the fact he is my brother! And to think my sister might be gone in 2 weeks!! And she is younger than me!!! She would still live fairly close but still...anyway, today I don't know if I should laugh or cry, in a couple weeks my life will look completely different having 2 out of 5 people gone...I am happy for my sister, C, but at the same time I don't want her to leave, these highschool years are the years I want to be her big sister to look after her and to grow closer with her, but soon she will be living in another city, and after that maybe even a different state!! She has been asked to join a pre-professional ballet class by the way... It scares me too, I might be living in Seattle in a couple months too... I don't want all of this change, it's too fast...like there is nothing I can hold on to, nothing that can't leave without my permission EXCEPT AN. Which is perhaps the reason I think recovery is bull...ok, sorry for another rant! ;) Obviously I have a lot to write about!

Of course eating still is not good, I haven't kept in a single thing put in my mouth for at least 5 days now...and I have an appoitment with John tomorrow and I don't know if I will work up the courage to tell him or not...I know I should, I know it would be the best thing to do, but I am scared of what he will say or do, I don't want to loose anything like college or dive just because of this, so I don't want him to know...I should tell him tho...anyway...

This week is very busy, I have work tonight then tomorrow morning is my appt with John. And it's the last week of art class and my final is due on Thursday!!!! AAaaaaah, I see some late nights ahead of me!!! Tuesday night is a birthday slumber party for a friend on my swimteam who is turning 14!! Ya, a bit of an age difference, but she is really sweet and mature! And Friday I work my first day shift at the hospital, which I am NOT looking forward to!!! So... I guess wish me luck to get through this week because I already am tired of it ;)

I hope everyones week is AMAZINGLY beautiful!!!

Maddi
xxx