Hi! So I firgured out that I can post from my new iPod touch!!! :D I didnt think I could but it turns out I can!!

Today was just another summer day, I babysat my little brother and sister for a few hours this morning, then I went to a dive camp. This camp is just an hour long and it's taught by my gymnastic coaches daughter who does college diving. I was only able to go three days because attendance is a big part of my college class grade, and the times conflict. It was so fun, and it was also really different considering the last time I dove I was 25 pounds lighter! I don't know if it made a difference because it wasn't the same coach but I bet it did!

After dive I had class then I had to take the bus home from class. :/ I hate doing that but I am grounded from getting my license which I was supposed to get on the 19th. :( dumb dumb dumb...;) My mom and I and the little sibs also went to Costco to restock with the essentials.

Overall a pretty good day except I lost 2 pounds yesterday and another 2 today. It's crazy, I even ate 2000 calories yesterday and I still lost so much! Ya, well that would tell you all how ED stuff has been. So here's the short: when I found out abot karli leaving I stopped eating, but one day I got soooo hungry, so I binges. Well that made me guilty AND sick to the stomach so I purged. It was so easy to purge so I just decided I would do it again, and it became such a bad habit that I would sometimes do that up to three times in a day!! Thankfully I am on my 5th day straight without a b/p episode, it was so out of the blue, and I am so glad to have conquered that before it got worse. I have my new therapist to thank for that. That is another new thing. I am still seeing my old one in Seattle but this guy, John, lives here. Basically I told him that I wasn't ready to give up my anorexia right now, but I didn't want to get trapped in the grips of bulimia too. I am so grateful to him for giving me the tools to help me overcome this. Anorexia tho is a very strong part of my life. I am loosing weight rapidly and no matter what anyone tells me I won't stop. Honestly I am giving in right now. Between Karli being gone and my other best friends dad having broken his neck and her living with us, I need some security. I know that i really should be able to find security in Christ, but while there is a war going on with my eating issues, I also think there is a spiritual battle going on. For some reason I can't seem to grasp on to God. Karli's mom and I have talked and are trying to fight this war together, her coming beside me to help me. We have only talked once, she has been out of town, but her insight has at leat helped me to sort of see what is going on, even though I still have no idea how to change/fix it...
So that is it, I got it out. It's been a hard month, but even tho I am daily slipping with eating, I still believe that althogh I feel mostly hopeless now, there will be hope, and there will be a way out of this.

Thanks all of you for letting me share. :)

Maddi
xxx