What a break!

YUMMY!
Hello again! I have been taking a break from school AND from blogging I suppose!! :p Well, actually a lot of that just has to do with the annoying internet, which has constantly been doing the working one moment, not the next thing. :/ I cant believe its Friday already!!! Bleh, where has my spring break gone??? Gee....

Since going to Abbi's house I havent done anything fun really. I took two really long walks yesterday. The first was planned, the second was bbecause our family was going up to Leavenworth, and I just really needed to get out, so I decided to walk in that direction and have my fam pick me up on their way out of town. I went my usual route, on the Poages road, except instead of going to the loop trail I just had to keep going. Well, when i had left the house they were almost ready, so I didnt expect to even get to the Poages, I even ran about a mile, but no, I got to the Poages and they still hadnt left so I just kept going and I got all the way to the highway at the end of town!!!! It was crazy, so long. But I'm glad I got extra walking in since today is just a sitting today! In leavenworth C and I did a egg hunt for the little kiddos, then got in the hottub for a while, then watched Yours, Mine, and Ours. :) And when I woke up this morning there was a blizzard outside!!!

So, about the trip over to Seattle, where I am sitting in a Starbucks at the moment. :) We left at 9, and going up the pass got stuck in the snow, and the chains didnt fit our tires, so we were stuck there a while, thinking we would have to call a towtruck, but then a huge snow plower drove by and allowed us to be able to drive without slipping, and we were able to follow him all the way across the pass!!! It was crazy, who knows if we will be able to make it back tonight! I missed my first appt. at 12:20, but I was ok with that, its the T appt. that I actually want. So that is in a short while.

Eating has been, well, not the greatest. I havent even hit my minimum the last couple days. That super rough weekend just really affected me in a way I cant handle...I just want to loose everything so bad!! I've been finding all these fat places on me, I just want it all OFF!!! :( Reading Maya's blog I know that this is serious, its not a game, but I just dont want it. I dont want to FEEL. I was reading something the other day, just about how it makes you not feel, not like a failure, or you just dont feel the pain. You dont really feel anything at all. All you think about it food, calories, wieght, and excersize. Not the way to live life i know, but when i am feeling all these...really super hard things, i cant live life at all!!! So would I rather live it in my ED, or just not live at all?? Right now, I would rather live in my ED than not at all, because that way I know there is help, but when I'm in it at least i can cope with the things i really cant control but that really hurt me. When my mum said what she did on Friday it hurt so bad, but since I wasnt starving myself it nearly killed me, whereas when I am an ED shell, it simply bounces off me. *sigh* I know this isnt right, I just know I really need help, and ana is always there to help me, that is how it feels right now, so its like I am clinging to it tighter than ever before because I saw that I dont have anything else to cling to!! :(

This is a out of whack post...I probly wont feel this way at all tomorrow, thats how its been since Friday, happy and positive one day, miserable the next. My ED makes all days the same tho, not happy or sad...just a day. That safety is something I cant let go of!

No special eats lately...I had two cups of icecream yesterday tho!! That was basically it the whole day, not so healthy!! Ya, I didnt feel so great, not going to do that again! I need to make something interesting so that I have a picture worth posting, gosh, I need to eat something to even make that possible! I did have the banana bread Larabar. Yummers! :)
Maddi
xxx