Ick!

Pretty flower! :)

Ohay, well i JUST wrote a post then it disappeared. :( So I will sort of sum up what i wrote!

Today i kept myself from purging. And yes, I binged, but with good reason. I have an idea, and call me crazy, i am going to follow it!

Ugh, at the moment i feel soooo sick to my stomach, i would love to throw up but i will not. Because I need the food i just stuffed myself with! Slowly but surely over the past month my relationship with food has been getting worse and worse, to the point where i am really afraid of a relapse. Seriously, when i first relapsed it was because i hated food. you could put an icecream Sundae( pre ED fave food) in front of me and even tho I was starving I still wouldnt think about eating it because it seemed sooo disgusting to me. Well, that is starting to happen again, and my ED would rejoice over that, but it is scaring me. At this moment i HATE food, thats partly because I am so full right now, but really, I am starting to not appreciate it at all! So i have a "relapse prevention plan" that I will follow for three days. Call me crazy, but I am going to water fast for the next three days. By doing this i hope to jump start my dying relationship with food. Seriously, i am disliking everything about it, and I DONT want to relapse, so I want to make myself like it again.

By not eating for three days I think i will get my appreciation of food back. Also I am going to be safe about this, hence the eating so much today. That way when i loose weight(which is not the purpose of this, but will inevitably happen) it wont be too much because i will have all this extra. I wont be exercising either, except for maybe a short walk. But no running, no cardio pilates, and no super long walks! I am going to drink A LOT of water too, staying hydrated is really important.

I want your opinions on this. Will they change my mind? Probly not, but I would still like to know what you all think. You might just think I am setting myself up for a relapse. Maybe, but the way i see it, one is coming anyway. i would rather try to prevent one and fail than just not try at all! I'm a all or nothing kind of person, i am giving this my all, and if the results are bad...I guess that would make my ED VERY happy, but I really think this will help me. i really hope it will. unwise as it may be, i believe that if it DOES work, it will prove to be way wiser than just continuing how i am and letting my food relationship dwindle to nothing, so that i have to FORCE myself to eat.

I told my mom about this and she doesnt see a huge problem with it. Yes, she was a little concerned at first, but I told her about why I am doing it, and the precautions I am taking, and i dont think she likes the idea, but she is going to let me do this. Just tell me what you think, also your prayers that this will work the right way would be appreciated.

Maddi

xxx

P.S.

I am in a happy mood right now, thanks to Scott who talked to me for a long time yesterday, so much fun Skyping him, we talked about lots of stuff and even my little sis and bro came over and said hi! :) Thanks to everyone who has accepted me in this blogging community. As I told Scott, it has made a HUGE impact in my recovery, having so much support from people who are having the same struggles. Thanks so much, i really love you all!