Whoopdidoo, i got out of going to church this morning. I pretended I was sick. How do I feel about that? Sick...I was just too anxious to go, between the binging yesterday and the day before and the email I sent to Karli(which she NEVER responded too :/)i dont want to see her. I was just WAAAAYYYY too anxious to go.
its a gorgeous day, the sun is shinning, and I was going to go to Kimberly's house after church and go paddleboating. And I am giving that up why??? I guess because I am just a retard. I see nothing positive. I am in a depressed hole and there is nobody(besides you bloggers) to pull me out. And I am sorry but I need people. But Mary and Karli have COMPLETELY abandoned me, and I dont feel a close relationship with God, so even tho I know he wouldnt abandon me it still doesnt really feel like he is there. I am sinking so deep...I want to die. really I do. But I cant. But then again, who would miss me?? I certainly wouldnt miss me. Who would want to be friends with me? I wouldnt, thats for sure! I'm so screwed over that it would be impossible to like me, if I werent me that is. :/ Dont know if that made sense...
I need motivation...like Andrea's post was so motivative, but I cant get that. What is there to live for? WHAT?!?!? Um, school, no........Friends, a DEFINATE NO. Family....nope, I dont even want to live with my family. Shit. There is nothing keeping me here, nothing needing me here, nothing wanting me here, so why on earth am I here??? I have noooooo clue...
I HATE living like this, most people dont live like this. Why me? WHY? f.u.c.k.
Maddi
xxx
p.s.
sorry these last two posts have been harsh(specially on the language side.) but i have a lot in me and this gets some of it out. So please bear with me...
3 comments:
oh honey I wish I could meet you in person and give you a big hug! God IS with you, even if you don't feel it. Pray, talk, CRY OUT to Him, you never know how He might speak to you. He is the God of ALL COMFORT and loves YOU more than you can EVER imagine. Even if you feel like there is no one in this world for you, (which I know that can't be true-someone always loves you even if you don't think so!:) JESUS WILL be there for you. He will never ever ever leave you. He will fill you up and make you whole. From experience, I have been down the ED path, I have had every single ED there is out there, not kidding. I have been in the depths of dark, but God reached in, pulled me out, kicking and screaming and I am a new creation today, healed from everything, because of Christ and His never ending love for me. I encourage you to read the Word, it (God) will comfort you & give you more strength than you can ever imagine. I will be praying for you!
if you want advice, or someone to talk to you, feel free to email me at rachels06@hotmail.com!
It's ok to be harsh and get stuff out. I reckon you need to be a bit nicer to yourself, be friends with yourself, because you are a lovely, sweet and witty person. You will meet other people, and there is so much of the world to see.
This time last year I felt very similarly, I didn't see the point of it all and felt alone and abandoned. I'm so glad I stuck around though, because I would have missed out on heaps of cool stuff.
There are so many fabulous people that you have yet to meet, and amazing experiences yet to have, so don't give up hope.
Sarah x
Maddi, you have so much more to live for than you are seeing now. God has wonderful plans for your life, and he wants to see you carry them out happily! He loves you and is with you!!
Hugs
Scott
P.s. skype me later??
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