Screw ED!!!!

View of some mountain from Leavenworth, and my little bro Samuel looking out the window at Starbucks! :)
Okay soooo, i read all of your comments this morning, and those, plus my mom and dads encouragement to 'do the right thing', i decided to eat breakfast this morning! And although my body image is close to nothing and i feel 100% fat, i DO NOT feel guilty for eating. I know it is what is best for me. There is weight i want to loose, yes, but I am going to eat normal for AT LEAST a week before i try to loose anything. Like Sarah said, my body is freaking out, not knowing what i need, and I need to give it a chance to know what is going on!! So, on to breakfast:Friendship bread from a family. Poppy seed lemon.
oatmeal cranberry muffin. Made them yesterday, and some vanilla yogurt on the side!

So I have had lots of thoughts this morning. I really want to melt down, not go to church, hide away from all people until I have lost 15 pounds, etc.. but i know that I cant do that. I want to believe these positive thoughts that i have had. That weight DOES NOT matter. It doesnt matter what the scale says, or how clothes fits, God still loves me for who i am. Also, a lot of the reason I want to loose weight is that I want to look sck, i want that attention. Guess what?? First of all, I've already been there, done that, and i didnt get ANY attention, except for the occasional comment that I was really bony....But nobody asked if I waas ok or anything. I get all trembly, thinking that I am wasting my life away wanting people to feel bad for me. I want that attention, i need that attention. But i also need to accept that I cant have it. I cant waste my life looking for what I cant get. i have potential, i can do great things, but not if i waste my time trying to loose weight again. Or binging. I need to use food for its purpose: to give me life, not abuse it.

i hate ED!!! i wish anorexia was as simple as us just being vain. i wish it were as simple as that. if it were I could overcome it and know it was sin, and knock it off. But for most of us it is more than that. It is a comfort. Food, our control over it, is a safe thing. Anorexics dont just become anorexic because they feel like it. Gosh, if i knew what hell this was I would NEVER have let myself fall into this, but it wasnt a choice. it just...happened. ya, my body image has ALWAYS sucked, since at least 4th grade, but it never stopped me from eating! I distinctly remember the day I stopped eating. it was 2 days after our little girl died....and a lady at our school wrote me a letter...and for some reason that just upset me so much, and it was right before lunch but i didnt eat, i had completely lost my appetite. Then the next few days I didnt eat much...then I kept going, and after a few days stepped on the scale, and saw that I had lost some pounds. And after that it became my game, my escape from reality. Instead of thinking about the fact that my sister was dead and my best friend was moving away, i focused on the weight dropping. I didnt know a thing about calories. Not a single thing. But I threw away food, I pretended to eat so my parents wouldn't find out what i was doing, I exercised, I did everything and anything i could to make the number on the scale go down. I put all of my energy into it. and I felt HAPPY. I imagined life would be ok, I knew what I was doing wasnt right, but I kept going. And it was all good until the end of that summer my mom brought me to a therapist. And from there I have gained weight, i am healthier, and I am hating my life more than i ever have before....

I wish my mom hadnt forced me to go. i wanted to keep living the life i was, as pointless as it was. But something had to change....I want it back, i want that safety back, and i dont know what to do , because my T told me all of these things about calories, and how weight loss works, and in a way it has ruined the thrill of loosing weight.

I am right now at a much higher weight than i want to be. i cant stand it, i cant stand myself, I want out of my own body. but I will maintain where I am for a week at least. Then see where I will go from there....I want to go back. i really really want to. Every time i have tried in the past couple months I end up stopping myself. This time tho, i dont want to stop myself....

Maddi

xxx