Night and Day

hello...No photos...nothing exciting to take pictures of, and no foodie pictures(not that I havent been eating, just when I am its a binge and i dont care what i am eating, and when its not that, there is like no food involved) So ya, nothing new to point and stare at, just me and some rambling!

Soooo, where did I leave off last post?? How bout feeling like a miserable, nothing, wretch?? Ya, it was somewhere along those lines.

I went to bed early, and laid there for a while, and the thoughts of wanting to kill myself wouldnt leave. I turned on some music and that didnt help. I couldnt get it out of my head. I kept getting this terrible anxious/shaky sensation whenever i thought about the future, and the past, and how messed up I was, and how I had messed up so bad this weekend and wanted to go back, and redo it all. I didnt know how to distract myself from thinking about these things. For a while I listened to the lyrics of the music I was listening to, a CD called "Embraced" by Holly Starr. But the words just discouraged me more, because it was about coming to God, and I have lost it all, so I couldnt stand listening. Then imagining how I could kill myself(not like i really could) helped some, it was a distraction, but then I got all shaky thinking about death and how irreversible it is...So I finally couldnt take it anymore and got out of bed and slashed my wrist a few times. And gosh...that let out a lot. i felt able to breath again. yes. I felt terrible, i hate that self-harm was the only way I could think to stop the painful thoughts. I HATE that. I will always have the scars to remind me of what i have done...It will always be a reminder to me also of just how unhappy I get, how depressed I get, when I binge. Perhaps it will prevent me from binging in the future?? I hope...

Anyhow, the shaky making feelings continued thru a bit of today...I cant wait to loose all of the weight I have gained. I feel no pain, i dont feel suicidal, when I am starving myself. I am so lost. I have never been this lost. Ever...its scary, it really is, to not know where I am or where I am going, or what I might do to myself next. Life seems impossibly hard. Just in the past week. Could it have to do with the fact my phsyc(sp?) put me back on the pill I havent been on for the past couple months? If so, I am angry at him. Angry because yes, even tho I have been very anxious, at least I wasnt so depressed! But then he put me back on them, and although they may have decreased anxiety(altho not that I can tell) they have just made me mega depressed. :/ Dang...

Ya, well, today I got a lot done. Chores, homework, babysitting, went for a walk, then a quicky bike ride with my dad and the littles, and succeeded in not eating anything the whole day. And tomorrow I will have 200 cal. And jump upward 200 more per day each day until I am at 1200 a day, then I will stay there. My first goal weight can be hit by Sunday. I can go to church and feel ok with my body. Then my REAL goal weight can be hit by next Friday. i am sick. i am so so sick. Who do I have to blame but myself??

Maddi

xxx