NOT right.

One lonely yellow flower, that wants to just disappear. that wants to wilt into nothing. That wants to be no more. maybe beautiful on the outside, but destroyed on the inside. Maybe healthy on the outside, but torn apart on the inside. Wanting nothing more than to just LET GO.

I'm not even 16 yet. Its not right. Its not right that I am miserable, and then I just go make myself even more miserable by binge/purging, which I have done THREE freaking days in a row now. I am scared. I am honestly so so scared that now I am not just anorexic but bulimic also. Anorexia is enough to fight, why the hell am i putting myself into this new situation??? Its wearing me down, mind, body, and spirit.

The first day, Tuesday, i was just sooo hungry, I had hardly eaten anything for 5 days, so i gave in and ate, but then i didnt stop....I ate so much I felt sick, i just HAD to throw up. i didnt want to, i just had to.

Yesterday was different though. I got off the phone with my T and it was a mostly unproductive appt. then i decided to eat, but this time i ate with a little voice in the back of my head that said, "eat, keep eating, stuff yourself, then throw it all up! Come on, keep going, eat this, eat that, eat it all!" I listened. :( i didnt do anything to try and fight the voice, i just listened. WHY??? I think because i have felt sooooo lonely, so it was a voice that was there, it was like another person comforting me. Then i talked to Scott for a long time, and he gave me some good advice, and I decided to use it. Unfortunately, my mom doesnt know how to use this idea(having her prepare all of my meals and snacks) so again today i was completely on my own. And what do i do??? Well, when my mom left to take my sis to dance I raided the cupboards. :/ And now my weight is going up, all I want to do now is exercise, then not eat anything tomorrow. But i am afraid its all gonna happen again tomorrow. :(

I emailed my T, to ask her for help. I really hope she has some ideas. She had an eating disorder too, and she said she went through a period like this. I want this to be the last day of this though. Let me rephrase that: This WILL be the last day of this. It isnt the last day of being eating disordered, but it IS the last day of binge/purging for no reason.

I have just felt so lonely. No body will text me, nobody will call me, except Scott, love you, I am really so grateful for that! But other then that I feel abandoned. It feels too much like a replay of when i was 10. I wrote a list today, a list of all the people who really show that they care for me. That helped. It wasnt a long list, but yet it was a list, there were people on that list who I KNOW love me. The last few days are wearing me out tho, i want to sleep for a week, and then wake up and have this nightmare be over! Seriously....

Maddi
xxx