Trying to be positive!

Hello. Its Monday. Its another day. And I am trying to have hope.

H.O.P.E. You cant really see the butterfly but anyway I drew it for a business card for a guy. Just a collage of stuff on my cork boards. :) My nails. :) The blue and white are the new colors I got yesterday! :)
Theo chocolate bar. I ate it too fast and really didnt enjoy it...so mad at myself right now! :(

Did my hair in a low messy bun with a cute headband to go to the hospital to apply for that job. :) My mom and I got back from that a little bit ago and it seemed well, the lady like me, and now they know my face and not just an online application! She said the position is opening up real soon so it is looking hopeful!

Last nights rasberry tart dessert. :) Pretty!

So...ya...i am not the happiest right now! I have a stomach ache because for breakfast this mornning I binged on chocolate basically!!! :/ I had a very large peice of the tart, which is chocolate underneath, then I ate the whole Theo bar!!! :( So now my tummy hurts and I have to restrict for the rest of the day because its so many calories, i dont want to go over!!! And tomorrow is the first day back to school after break, so I want to go back feeling in control, as stupid as that sounds, so now I cant eat for the rest of the day, and I have to take a long walk and do cardio pilates. Sorry if this is triggering, I obviously am not in a good place with my ED right now, dont take from my example! :/ Its sunny outside, a walk should be nice anyhow, and lift my spirits. I was going to wait till later to post but I wanted to wait and see if my tummy would feel better so I decided to just do it now!

Gosh, I cant believe there is school tomorrow! :( Happy sad. Happy because I can loose weight so much easier when school is in, I'm not sure why, maybe because I burn more calories bc of all the thinking??? Idk....Also happy because then i can talk to Abbi more, we only got to see eachother 3 times the whole break, which I suppose is really good considering she is the only person I saw!! Happy also because I can get away from my mom for most of the day! During break ya I can take walks but thats only a couple of hours. With school tho I can be at school then come home and take a walk, so I only have to see her a few hours a day. Depressing I know, but ever since my last T appt. when my T had this great idea to help our relationship(I thought it was great) my mom has been awful! On the car ride home she told me she had failed at being my mom and she was giving up. Thanks mom! I am willing to try and change but she is not. So now our life together is even worse then before, she hardly talks to me, i really dont understand why, I didnt do anythin to her! :( So I cant wait for school to start for that reason! The only thing I am NOT looking forward to is just seeing the mean girls in my class. What are they going to say? I bet they will just be talking about their fun breaks but I will have nothing to add. I didnt spend any time with any of them...and I didnt do anything exciting. Good thing I have Abbi at lunch or I would be more than miserable. i would make an imaginary friend!

Sorry, this post has lots of random musings! I just need to get out some of my stressful thinking before being thrown into school tomorrow. A walk will help with that too. I'm waiting for my tummy ache to just go away already but its not, so I will probly just go.

Relationships suck, ED has me in its grips, and it just seems like everything important is spiraling out of control. It doesnt help that Karli is STILL in Mexico, so I have no one to talk about my problems with. like ya, Abbi is my friend, but not in that sense. And she is also a lot younger than me, so that would be awful to tell her some things! Besides AN I completely feel alone. If I wasnt in my ED I wouldnt be able to cope at all! I just want somebody so badly! :( Nobody to talk to, nobody to cry with, nobody to hold me, nobody to hug me, nobody to ask how I am doinng. I am trying. Trying to not focus on myself, baking for others, writing notes to people, praying for people, wanting to take my eyes off myself. AN is the only way I provide for myself what I really want and need but completely lack. I NEED some encouragement! Do i even want it tho??? My ED definitely does not! It is sooo happy right now that I am struggling so much that I am COMPLETELY leaning on it, but me, Maddi, the REAL me, wants help and support like nothing else! But I get nothing...so I turn to ED and let it hold on to me, let it play its game with me, let it beat me up, because even tho its torture it feels good. it feels good to let the physical pain of starving distract me from the emotional pain of being alone.

God is with me, i know that, but in so many ways i resent Him for giving me this life, for bringing me into this world. His hand is by me, He is waiting for me to take it. But can I??? My heart has been shattered so many times...it feels impossible to give it up again. The Psalms are encouraging, they give me hope as i read them, but the second i set the book down, its gone. Because altho I was in His word, I wasnt really letting it come into me. Like karli said, I have built walls around my heart. Yes, i have. But its not my fault. At least I dont think it is!!! An abusive teacher, a best friend who abandoned me, a mom who hates me(or at least treats me like she does!), a sisters death, another best friends move away. Those are NOT my fault! How could they be? But they have made me protect my heart in a way that isnt very healthy but it was the only answer. I have given my heart instead to the disease that is killing me. It has never let me down. Yet it is killing me. The thing that seems the best is actually the worst. Where on earth am I going with my life?? Like I said, things are spiralling out of control. How was my spring break?? it sucked. Fun things occasionally, but for the most part, a week I would like to forget.

Maddi

xxx