Hello!! i am writing this post on notepad then i will copy/paste it to blogger because I am in the car, so therefore no Internet!

Well, last night I was doing some blog reading, of people i am following, and just random blogs I would come upon, and I read this one post by someone that was talking about how blogging is a journal of sorts. Well, it is! At least for me! But its more than that, because I get to share it with people, and even tho its not very many people, it still counts, and it still helps me to feel accepted for who I am. Yes, it is online, it isnt REAL life, but when I dont feel accepted elsewhere, to know that all of you are here, listening(reading) helps a ton! No, i dont have tons of followers, but do I care?? No! I love that anyone reads my blog, yes, but in the beginning I created this blog without even knowing that a single person would click the follow button. And to this day I havent changed my views on blogging. i dont write for followers, I write because i want to! And guess what?? I've been accepted for doing that! That is what is so special to me-not the number of followers, not the fact that I even have any, but the fact that I am able to write what i feel without the restrictions I feel everywhere else in my life. I can express myself in words without a fear of having someone say its not ok, what I say isnt important, etc. I just am, and thats why I love blogging so much. Another thing I love about it is reading others blogs!! :) And commenting. I know I appreciate comments, and being able to comment on others struggles/victories is really great. I know that what I say isnt going to make a huge difference, but just letting someone know I am there helps! :) Reading blogs often is what inspires me to do the right thing. I see other people doing the right thing, pushing themselves, and I see that I can too! And sometimes people have downer posts, me included, but with all the support we can come through those times! i love that. A lot.

Anywhooo, today's appt. was good, both my parents came this time and I was sooooo scared, I was going to flake out and just go in myself but K encouraged me and I made the right decision. We didnt have enough time to get to my mom and my relationship but we made some good headway with my dad and mine. About why I hate him and love him at the same time and all that. I know things will get better with him, I need to work past the hurt in the past tho. I need to forgive and move on. K was asking me where I am in the healing process with that, she said there are 4 stages: hurt, anger, desiring revenge(which as christians we dont act on), and forgiveness. She asked if I was ready to forgive. Nope. Not really. I'm still in that "hurt" stage, but I need to be angry, because I know it is in me somewhere to be angry, I have a hard time being "mad" at people. I still feel hurt from that, I need to get my anger out so I can move on and then forgive. Because the hate side of our relationship is making things tough. This will take time of course, but at least now I know a bit more about this pain, and why i feel the way I do towards my dad, and treat him the way I do. Also this next week both of us are going to Vancouver, WA for a few days because he has a ESD board conference!! :D cannot wait! hes going to be in meetings a lot of the time, but I looked up the place and there are all kinds of great hiking/biking trails, and cool markets and malls! So I will get a bunch of great alone time, and also some great just fun unstressful time with my daddy! :D
Stuff with my mom is going to be a bit harder, she just doesnt understand me AT ALL! And I feel like she is still so unwilling to....change. :( Things are so hard with her, except this last week, whenever she wants to fight I just, instead of listening to instinct or what I think is right, I have just agreed with whatever she wants to say. I know its not really the right thing to do, but its the only thing I CAN do right now, she is already under a lot of stress, I dont want her to feel like our relationship is getting worse!

After that my parents left the room and K came and sat by me and snuggled up to me and I was so grateful because emotionally and physically that was SOOOOO exhausting! She told me she was proud of me, i was pretty proud of myself too I guess, she said I did great. i wassss sooo tired all of a sudden. I had been crying a lot of silent tears the whole time, so I think that really wore me out! I also mentioned to her, like Scott suggested, that i wanted to talk about food/weight stuff a little more. So next time I'm sure we will.

We went to Pikes Place after that for about an hour to get lunch. I didnt get lunch but I DID get the most yummerly icecream-honey lavender! :D So good! After I got that I saw that they had mango or Marion berry fro yo!!! :( I was so sad I didnt see that, I totally would have got it, i LOVE Marion berries, I think they are my fave kind of berry. :( next time, next time...

At the rest stop on the top of the pass we saw Matt, Cam, and Bry!! they were heading over with their fams for a lacrosse game!! What are the chances? They are in my class, btw. Thankfully I looked decent, so it wasnt mega embarrassing or anything. Cam asked why I was in Seattle and I told him it was for a Doc. appt. and he just sad that was weird and left it at that. He's a weird

kid...haha, and I dont really care what he thinks anyway! :)

When we get home my dad has to do some computer work then he said we can go on a tandem ride!! yaya, I havent gone on the tandem in FOREVER! I didnt bring my camera on this trip, but I will bring it on the ride and hopefully get some good pics! love you all!
Maddi
xxx