A boring day in the city...

Ya, well, today was very boring...Woke up early, drove across the pass with my mom and sis, then sat around Children's Hospital while my mom and Naomi were in appointments. I worked on my collage, checked my email and such, and slept. We were there from about 10:30 to 2:30. Ya...long time. :p

My appt. was at 4:25, so we drove around and Naomi fell asleep so we went to a park and I got out and walked a bit. It was really pretty, I took some photos which I will post once I am home on my own computer!

Then my appt. which was basically REALLY unproductive as I am starving and didnt really have much to say, and all she said was stuff I have heard before...blah, but I have another one tomorrow. Kind of neat having two in a row! But ya, not really looking forward to it so much. I plan to have breakie at Starbucks tomorrow, a cup of black coffee and a yogurt parfait. And a cherry Larabar for lunch! :)

I am so bored, and so tired, I think I will watch some TV since I dont have it at home, maybe work on my collage for a while, then go to bed. I do have a lot of thoughts tho, which I really should write about, thoughts about life, but I dont really have time right now!

I hope you all have been having great weeks! I cant wait to put up some pictures!(my posts have all been pictureless lately :/)

Maddi

xxx

busy day!

heyo! I am at school right now, but I just finished all my homework(except Biology studying) :)

Today is SUCH a busy day! :/ But like, not the good kind of busy. Immediately after school I have to go to Kristin's to work on a biology project...and we dont even have a clue what we are doing!!! Bah...it may not be so great. Then whenever I get home I have to do lots of chores, and then pack for tomorrow and Friday in Seattle. Grrr, I have lots of chores because my mom didnt tell me about mine until late, so I was too tired and mentally prepared for bed, so I promised I would do them today! :/

School today has been soooo long! And still one more period! :( I have a Apple Pie Larabar to enjoy after tho, I dont feel too hungry, but I am definitely n0t eating enough. I have to eat something! Today its been some plain oatmeal and a square of chocolate...Theo Chocolate-dark cherry almond flavor!

I actually finished making my notebook last night! Well, the cover that is...I cant wait to fill some pages! The pages are going to be collages too. Its kinda ugly, I am terrible at making collages. Its one art thing I certainly cannot do very well, but I like it! The cover-front and back-has little pictures and things that represent the things I love! :)

Well, I have got to go! Hope your Wednesday has been more good then not!
Maddi
xxx

feelin better.

Good afternoon/evening. *sigh* Its been a wearing couple of days. But my attitude towards life is better today. Quite a bit better. I think partly because Karli emailed me, and that led me to knowing I have a friend, which led me to be a bit more inspired to get through this effing rough patch. :)

Karli is great, she totally understood what i was saying...and i think we are good. We have emailed back and forth a few times, just good, lighthearted more or less emails. Thats been good. I am so glad she is older and wiser then me, so its not the blind leading the blind or anything! ;)

Today was a softball day. Even tho I didnt eat anything yesterday and close to nothing today, I still had enough energy and even made some really good plays!! Got a person out doing the splits one time playing second base! :) And scored twice! I take pride in my athletic abilities, not gonna lie. ;)

After school I just read some blogs, and then started a little project i thought of. Its called "my prayers, quotes, verses, and lyrics 4 life. " I am just making a collage on a little notebook then I will write the cool things I read or hear in it! Good bible verses, encouraging things people have written me, song lyrics that mean a lot to me, etc...I got one side finished today, maybe this weekend I can finish it! Not tomorrow tho because tomorrow I am going to Kristin's to work on a school project, then I have to pack for Seattle, and will be there Thursday and Friday so I cant do it then. And the big parade is Saturday, but I should still be able to work on it! i will post a pic when its finished. I think its a good thing for me to do, channeling some of these hard emotions into art. I was inspired to do this by Sarah, after reading her last post and the article she gave a link to. Altho it may not help me in the anorexia recovery so much, so far it is helping me climb out of this deep hole. :) And I wonder what other things may come if I continue to put my heart into art. i used to do art so much before ED...I think that was a good thing, and I should strive to get back to that.

Well, this is sort of a blah post, but at least I am feeling better, and the sun is shinning outside, and after all day yesterday being cloudy, it is nice! It even rained earlier today, so now the air is so fresh and clear, I love it. Off to paint my nails, then I think a hot shower because I have been FREEZING all day! And then bed, oh sweet bed, before I wake up for my last day of school this week. :)

Maddi

xxx

Night and Day

hello...No photos...nothing exciting to take pictures of, and no foodie pictures(not that I havent been eating, just when I am its a binge and i dont care what i am eating, and when its not that, there is like no food involved) So ya, nothing new to point and stare at, just me and some rambling!

Soooo, where did I leave off last post?? How bout feeling like a miserable, nothing, wretch?? Ya, it was somewhere along those lines.

I went to bed early, and laid there for a while, and the thoughts of wanting to kill myself wouldnt leave. I turned on some music and that didnt help. I couldnt get it out of my head. I kept getting this terrible anxious/shaky sensation whenever i thought about the future, and the past, and how messed up I was, and how I had messed up so bad this weekend and wanted to go back, and redo it all. I didnt know how to distract myself from thinking about these things. For a while I listened to the lyrics of the music I was listening to, a CD called "Embraced" by Holly Starr. But the words just discouraged me more, because it was about coming to God, and I have lost it all, so I couldnt stand listening. Then imagining how I could kill myself(not like i really could) helped some, it was a distraction, but then I got all shaky thinking about death and how irreversible it is...So I finally couldnt take it anymore and got out of bed and slashed my wrist a few times. And gosh...that let out a lot. i felt able to breath again. yes. I felt terrible, i hate that self-harm was the only way I could think to stop the painful thoughts. I HATE that. I will always have the scars to remind me of what i have done...It will always be a reminder to me also of just how unhappy I get, how depressed I get, when I binge. Perhaps it will prevent me from binging in the future?? I hope...

Anyhow, the shaky making feelings continued thru a bit of today...I cant wait to loose all of the weight I have gained. I feel no pain, i dont feel suicidal, when I am starving myself. I am so lost. I have never been this lost. Ever...its scary, it really is, to not know where I am or where I am going, or what I might do to myself next. Life seems impossibly hard. Just in the past week. Could it have to do with the fact my phsyc(sp?) put me back on the pill I havent been on for the past couple months? If so, I am angry at him. Angry because yes, even tho I have been very anxious, at least I wasnt so depressed! But then he put me back on them, and although they may have decreased anxiety(altho not that I can tell) they have just made me mega depressed. :/ Dang...

Ya, well, today I got a lot done. Chores, homework, babysitting, went for a walk, then a quicky bike ride with my dad and the littles, and succeeded in not eating anything the whole day. And tomorrow I will have 200 cal. And jump upward 200 more per day each day until I am at 1200 a day, then I will stay there. My first goal weight can be hit by Sunday. I can go to church and feel ok with my body. Then my REAL goal weight can be hit by next Friday. i am sick. i am so so sick. Who do I have to blame but myself??

Maddi

xxx

Another day I dont want to live!

Whoopdidoo, i got out of going to church this morning. I pretended I was sick. How do I feel about that? Sick...I was just too anxious to go, between the binging yesterday and the day before and the email I sent to Karli(which she NEVER responded too :/)i dont want to see her. I was just WAAAAYYYY too anxious to go.

its a gorgeous day, the sun is shinning, and I was going to go to Kimberly's house after church and go paddleboating. And I am giving that up why??? I guess because I am just a retard. I see nothing positive. I am in a depressed hole and there is nobody(besides you bloggers) to pull me out. And I am sorry but I need people. But Mary and Karli have COMPLETELY abandoned me, and I dont feel a close relationship with God, so even tho I know he wouldnt abandon me it still doesnt really feel like he is there. I am sinking so deep...I want to die. really I do. But I cant. But then again, who would miss me?? I certainly wouldnt miss me. Who would want to be friends with me? I wouldnt, thats for sure! I'm so screwed over that it would be impossible to like me, if I werent me that is. :/ Dont know if that made sense...

I need motivation...like Andrea's post was so motivative, but I cant get that. What is there to live for? WHAT?!?!? Um, school, no........Friends, a DEFINATE NO. Family....nope, I dont even want to live with my family. Shit. There is nothing keeping me here, nothing needing me here, nothing wanting me here, so why on earth am I here??? I have noooooo clue...

I HATE living like this, most people dont live like this. Why me? WHY? f.u.c.k.

Maddi

xxx

p.s.

sorry these last two posts have been harsh(specially on the language side.) but i have a lot in me and this gets some of it out. So please bear with me...

:(

I am officially scoring a big f*****g F on life. And as far as weight its been a loose 2 win 1 situation the last couple months and i am SO fed up with it. I've effed up everything...from relationships, to academics, to how I treat my one and only body in this damn life. There is nothing positive on the horizon at this moment. All I want is for it to be 2 weeks from now and for me to be in a hospital because i lost so much weight so that was the only option. But, like I said, the weight sit. has been loose 2, gain 1. So its taking way to long to get to where i want to be. Is this a recovery blog? Yes. Is this a recovery post? Hell no. Someone else is taking over, or should I say something else. Fuck ED. (is it totally deservable of hell for a girl who follows God to use such language??[I hope not]) Living(hardly), learning(the worst possible way), and loving(uh, who?) is what I am doing. And its what I DONT want to be doing. I want to be left in a corner to lick my self-made wounds, I want to crawl in a hole and die. I want no more of this. But tomorrow is a new day, I am not eating anything...at all. I NEED EMPTY.

Peace

Maddi

xxx

Angry...for various reasons...

new CD's-Tenth Avenue North and Holly Starr. :)
Going across the bridge into Oregon!! A bit scary being so close to the cars! (there is a separate walking section we are on tho! )

Esta en el tren! ;)

Well, yup, I'm a bit peeved at the moment. 1.) My dad brought me breakfast this morning and made me eat it, and it was gross! Like more than a cup of OJ and a big chunk of Sweet bread and a sausage and eggs and some potatoes....Grrrrr....I was wanting an apple! This makes me mad because now I have to skip out on having gelato, which I was going to do as my "lunch" today. No lunch for me now...:/

After that breakkie(completely un-enjoyed) in bed, I got up and ready and rode on one of those stationary bikes in the training room while reading chp. 2 of the Aenied for school. So ick-boring exercise plus a boring book?? No thank you! But I got through it. Then watched some TLC and Animal Planet but I get soooo bored with TV, so I got my little lappy and headed to Starbucks where I am sitting right now, with a short cuppa hot coffeeee. :) Not really drinking it tho...I feel like I drank a lot yesterday, and I usually dont drink like At ALL, so I feel watered out. ;)

Usually I post at night, and relay my day, but today we have plans that will make that impossible. We are going to head over to NewPort Oregon-not the one on the coast, darn, and be there until late tonight. We are visiting a family and friend of my dad that he met in college. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, they have a boy my age, Kyle, and maybe we will ride bikes together...I really like him, dont get me wrong, its just that it has been so long since I have seen him and I am a little nervous! Body image has been SOOOO bad, and I dont want to have to eat dinner there but I will have to. At least there wont be lunch today...

I am also mad because I was going to talk to Karli yesterday but then she couldnt and I thought she would call or at least text or maybe respond to the email I sent her several days ago but NOTHING!!! :( I feel like all of my friends are totally abandoning me! And its not like I have pushed them away! :/ Like Mary wont ever talk to me hardly anymore, and Karli pretty much ignores me unless I sound desperate. But i want to talk to her as a friend! Not just the victim looking for help...:( And Abbi...gee, dont get me started. I'm pretty sure she just likes me for the half hour walk she gets at lunch-I'm the only one who will walk with her. And all she talks about is food! I just want to talk to somebody in a normal way! I just want to talk to Karli like normal friends, but she seems to only respond to me if I am struggling. Whats up with that??? Maybe she just feels like she has to be the "saviour" and it makes her feel good about herself. I just want a friend! A normal friend!! Mary-absent. Karli-absent unless desperately needed. Abbi-well, just NOT normal(only talks about herself and food). Kimberly-Somethings there-I'm going to try to call her when school is out today.

Ya, well thats whats up...just a bit peeved at people, and at myself for being so unable to connect. Urg....I just want a good ole pal is all! Why must that be so impossible??? :( Poopy...

Well, I will hopefully post tomorrow before we head back home on the train. I am realy hoping today will get better. I've had a bad attitude, bad body image, and just an overall bad time since waking up this morning! What can make it get better?? Ahhh, talking to a friend would help but since thats obviously NOT going to happen I better just stop focusing on how awful that is...Maybe go for a walk. But oh ya, Vancouver is like a NOTHING place, no trails or anything lke I expected...and the only stores they have are hair salons and pubs. Pathetic...so pathetic...I walked for 2 stinking hours yesterday before I found an icecream place! LAME!!! Ok, done rambling, sorry for the down post! Trying to work on that, ;)

Maddi

xxx

Vancouver! :)

Helloooo from Vancouver!! :D This is me on the car ride to the train station in Tacoma. Its been fun! I will give a brief recap of my time so far! the car ride yesterday was swell, we left right after church. And my mom stocked me up with 3 Larabars and 3 zbars, and ED was NOT happy about that! But more on that later!



view of Puget Sound from the Amtrak train!
I drove to Tacoma while my dad did computer work. It was pleasant, i just listened to my two new CD's. i was soooo tired tho, only like 3 hours of sleep that night! :/ That was because I stayed up really late having a texting convo with Karli, then Naomi woke me up at 2 a.m. and I couldnt get back to sleep!! Grrr, that is the second night in a row that she has done that! i was SOOOO grateful to sleep in the hotel room this last night-really soft pillows and comforter too! :)

The train ride was nice. I was going to do HW, buuuut, i didnt! Instead I just looked out the window and ate all my bars, except one which I gave to my dad. ya, you read right, I ate them ALL! And I still didnt get to my calorie minimum for the day! But at least I hit xxxx cals finally, i hadnt the past few days. Ya, erm, well I decided to eat them all to get it over with, and also because that way I couldnt be tempted to binge sometime on this trip, so I ate them when I needed them, rather then having them for when i just want them. Make sense?? ;) I had 3 flavors of zbars and a apple pie and cherry pie larabar. yum, I DID enjoy them, regardless of the fact that it was sort of a force feed!

When we got to Vancouver we rode the tandem to the Hilton Hotel, like 3 blocks away. It is SUCH a nice hotel!!! Like crazy...I went swimming for a while in the nice pool, however it was a bit chilly. I still enjoyed it tho. Then off to bed at about 11!

I slept till 6, then got out of bed at 8, and got all ready. my dad was off somewhere doing some work. Then it was Starbucks for breakkie, I got some black coffee and a delicious strawberry blueberry yogurt parfait! :D It was SOOO good! Like, why had I not had these before??? ;p I def. will again, i loved it! :) So great...

Parfait and my mini lappy top! heck to the ya! ;)

I was going to call Karli during her break today since, but she ended up being busy...darn...I used the elliptical in the training room for like 20 mins tho, then my dad and I rode the tandem around. We rode across the bridge to Portland, OR. It was pretty neat! We also got lunch over there(tax free). I got a mini veggie pizza and it was alright. Not amazing or anything, and not very pretty either. But it was cheap, so I wont complain! Then it was back to the hotal, and my dad is about to go to the first meeting, and I need to go do some hw. i tried to do some bible hw before this post but the questions were like unanswerable!!! :/ Whatever, I DO have other stuff to do.

Lunch with dad was good. We had an ok talk, talked a little about how ED has an affect on the whole family, and about Abbi and my relationship with her. i told him how frustrating it was for me that Abbi wont even admit she has a problem, and even tho she is weight restored for the most part she is still sick, but she wont admit it even to herself, so I cant encourage her really.

I'm hoping to talk to Karli later today, I have lots of thoughts and questions I want to express to her, and ask her about. Probly will have to wait till tomorrow tho...:(

Off to the rest of my day! :D Hope everything is well with you wherever you are today! :)
Maddi
xxx


My look for the day! :)

red is blue...

ok, hi! This will be a boring post...i have not much to tell!

Today was a ho-hum blah kinda day, buuuutt, I passed my drive test!!! :D Yippeee!! that was the best part of the day, I really like my instructor Miss Teddy, she was really nice today and I felt totally relaxed-alley backed and parallel parked PERFECTLY!! :D Awesome...

The rest of the day went slow as molasses...I had 1/3 of the orange dark chocolate Theo bar my sis gave me for my b-day in lunch. that was super tasty, I certainly savored it. I also passed around the hazelnut milk chocolate bar to people because I didnt like it! (crazy, I know...i used to adore milk choco. and I didnt even like it!) It was fun to see the different mix of people, some liked it and some didnt! :)

After school I packed for my adventure with my dad that starts tomorrow! he was invited to and ESD(educational service district) conference in Vancouver, WA, and hes letting me join him! We leave tomorrow and take the train from Tacoma, and return Saturday. Its an awful lot of traveling but I LOVE amtrak train rides-so much fun!!

I will put up posts and pictures about this fun mini vaca!!! Sorry, no pics this post....like I said, a very blah post...;) the following ones should be more interesting tho! :)

ED is continuing to rule my life right now...:.( I am powerless, I almost passed out when I ran 5 feet to catch a ball during soft ball today. I usually play first base but I was so tired i played outfield so I wouldnt have to do anything. Btw, I dont play on a team, this is just a highschool elective at my school, and we play twice a week, last period of the day. Also it sucked because I bruised my arm with a bat that was too big...I would explain but I dont think it would make sense! My elbow/arm certainly hurts tho...

Off to bed now, tomorrow is a VERY long day, but it should be an easy day physically because I will be sitting the almost entire time! Blah, anywhoo, goodnight!

Maddi

xxx

16!!! AHHH!

Perfect~only God could create such perfect beauty!


A necklace I made

Well, ya, I am 16 now!!! Wow....Its hard to believe...and to be honest I didnt WANT to turn 16...I'm trying not to think about that too much tho, but I feel like I have been on this earth for 16 years and rather then making anything better, I have just made the few things I have any say in worse...:( Sorry, totally pathetic..On to yesterday and today!

Yesterday was the most fun and happy day of 2010!! I'm not even kidding, this year has been pretty abysmal anyway, but thats not what made it the best. It probably would have been the best even if it was a good 2010!!

First off, I had a relaxing morning. Got up early enough to get on the computer, laze around, lay in bed...it was pleasant. I skipped breakfast, I could have had something but I was anxious about later, since food was involved...lame I know, but really my ED didnt ruin my day!

We went to church, omg, it was a REALLY moving sermon...gosh...it was all about having idols and things in our lives that take the forefront instead of God. I was thinking of things i have put ahead of God...it was overwhelming, and i felt like crap, but then I remembered that God IS so merciful, and even tho I constantly push Him away, he still graciously reaches His hands out to me. There was a really moving song afterword too, i couldnt sing, I just leaned against the pew, I felt like God was really there! Anywhoo, on to the rest of the day!

We came home, my mom had stayed home to prepare the picnic, and got out all of our bikes, and hooked the kiddos up to my dads bike in the little pully thing. Then me, my sis, and my dad and the littles rode our bikes along the loop till we got to Walla Walla park. Btw, my older bro had work so he couldnt join us...:( He even forgot to say happy b-day to me when I saw him this morning! lol, I'm not really offended tho... So ya, we biked to the park and the Poages(the family who I LOVE SOOOO much!!) were there, and they had set up towels next to a picnic table, and even had some balloons! :)

My mom showed up in the car a few minutes later and we set up the sandwhich bar and had our picnic! I had a couple baby carrots and a mini bagel and a few grapes. :/ really I couldnt push myself to have more, even tho there was pineapple and strawberries and chips, thats all I had. And a Hans diet lime tangerine soda! mmmh, goodness, my mom NEVER buys soda of any kind!

After the meal we played around at the park a little. Karli was running around with the littles while jay, bri, C, and I sat on top of the monkey bars! Sorry Kar! lol, it was pretty funny! The Poages brought their kayaks along so we got them in the water and Jayy and I got into one kayak(we are both small so we fit in a single) and Karli got in the other. It was SOOO fun!!!! I absolutely LOVE kayaking, the last time I did it was in the ocean in Mexico. I had a blast, we took turns rowing! :) Loooved it so much!

Jay and I got bored after a little while, and it was so hot(i forgot to mention how PERFECT the weather was) so we debated swimming with our clothes on...haha....and we kinda did...We waded in to our hips,then dipped quickly a few times, each time getting lower, and we ended up getting to our necks, with our arms IN the water, and just stayed there! And it WASNT that cold!!! Seriously, we didnt really feel cold at all, and we would have actually swam, but then Karli had to leave for work and they wanted me to open my present and I wanted to say good bye to her!

We were soaking wet, but it was all good, we still werent cold. For my present they got me a ADORABLE little wallet type purse. Omg, I will post a picture soon I totally forgot. Also I got two CD's- one from 10th Avenue North, a christian band and Mrs. Poages favorite CD. And the this other CD by a newer gal named Holly. Apparently Karli knows her...I havent listened to that one yet so I dont know about it but I really love the 10th Ave N. one! :)

Then Karli left and we biked to the Owl Drug and Soda Fountain after packing all the stuff up. We got there ten minutes before they closed!!! I got a rainbow sherbet scoop in a cup...and it was WAY too big of a serving...:/ i felt extremely guilty after, but riding my bike to the Poages house with Jaymie after helped a little. At there house we just waited for the adults who were loading up their bikes and driving home, then they took me home, and it was later then I thought so i only got to chat with Scott for about 10 minutes. darn! I was tired tho and ready for bed! And if you are still reading I am AMAZED! ;)

Today I got lots of birthday wishes from people, a couple gifts, and when I got home i made a thankyou card for the Poages and biked over to their house to deliver it, and stopped in and said hi also! :) Not for long tho, they had bible study.

Lunch today was special tho, my mom took me to a restaurant called the huckleberry, where I ordered a egg white veggie omelet. It was tasty! Didnt eat the hashbrowns tho-I dont like those!
Egg white veggie omelet at The Wild Huckleberry! zucchini, tomatoes, peppers, onions, and apples inside! :)

Tonight, pretty soon actually, we are going to have the cheese cake my mom managed to make. And I might get a present or two! :) Although I don't exactly want to be 16, 15 was just dandy, I have to take it and live with it, and honestly, yesterday WAS a day worth being alive for. <3>

xxx

Saderday...

made that picure on paint ^.

Welll, I said I was going to take more of a break from blogging...and I sort of did, as in in my mind I didnt have the thought that i needed to make time for blogging. It was just an option, not something I felt like I had to do. So that has been nice, but I do love blogging, and today being Saturday and its only 9 a.m. and I dont have much to do today I decided I would post.

Todays agenda: Fix up the chicken coop. yes, that sounds weird, but we are going to get chicks! We have got them in the past but raccoons or coyotes always got to them, so this time I have to cover the entire coop with chicken wire! It is SUCH and exhausting job, I am NOT looking forward to it, but I really want the chicks and fresh eggs, so its a must.

Make cheese cake. Yes, cheese cake. i used to be a hater of all things cheesy, but I found a recipe yesterday that is extremely low fat and low calorie. Its zesty orange chocolate flavor. And who knows if I will like it, but who cares?? :) Its for lunch with the Poages tomorrow, which is thankfully going to work! I didnt think it would since my mom kept not getting a hold of Mrs. Poage!!

Clean room. Actually my room is not bad at all, but I feel like i need to change my sheets and organize my desk and closet. So I am going to!

Those are the things that I MUST do, then there are other things that i can do if I am bored!

I am so excited for tomorrow! I havent seen Karli in more than a month, waaay too long! But we are going to make sandwiches at my house, then us and the Poages-minus Mr. who is getting home from a business trip to India today and hasnt been feeling good-are going to go down to the river and have a picnic! yay! Perfect birthday celebration in my mind-I dont want any presents, i just want good memory! I will bring my camera for sure, and get some good pictures! The weather is supposed to be really really nice tomorrow, i cant wait. Church, then a picnic, then a bike ride, then (hopefully) a Skype chat with Scott! Just gotta get through today!

I am a little nervous, about certain things. i have lost 9 lbs since i last saw Karli. Ya....I cant say I'm not relapsing....But regardless of how little I may be eating I have still got lots of strength, daily bike rides are proof of that! And stuff with my mother is...hellish. She wrote an awful email to me last night, just ranting about how I am shutting her down, unwilling to work with her, but I AM!!!! :( So things are tough. hence all the bike rides, that way I can escape from the house...and we didnt get to tandem yesterday because my mom started flipping out that it was too late and we needed to make dinner, yaddy, yaddy ya, so i just left and rode my bike alone. :/ But tomorrow I may tandem with my daddy. i hope...I really do.

I dont really know whats going on. I have let everyone down...and I dont want to take a step in the right direction, I dont mind failing, its just me, its my life, I guess you could say i am used to it!

Maddi

xxx

Hello!! i am writing this post on notepad then i will copy/paste it to blogger because I am in the car, so therefore no Internet!

Well, last night I was doing some blog reading, of people i am following, and just random blogs I would come upon, and I read this one post by someone that was talking about how blogging is a journal of sorts. Well, it is! At least for me! But its more than that, because I get to share it with people, and even tho its not very many people, it still counts, and it still helps me to feel accepted for who I am. Yes, it is online, it isnt REAL life, but when I dont feel accepted elsewhere, to know that all of you are here, listening(reading) helps a ton! No, i dont have tons of followers, but do I care?? No! I love that anyone reads my blog, yes, but in the beginning I created this blog without even knowing that a single person would click the follow button. And to this day I havent changed my views on blogging. i dont write for followers, I write because i want to! And guess what?? I've been accepted for doing that! That is what is so special to me-not the number of followers, not the fact that I even have any, but the fact that I am able to write what i feel without the restrictions I feel everywhere else in my life. I can express myself in words without a fear of having someone say its not ok, what I say isnt important, etc. I just am, and thats why I love blogging so much. Another thing I love about it is reading others blogs!! :) And commenting. I know I appreciate comments, and being able to comment on others struggles/victories is really great. I know that what I say isnt going to make a huge difference, but just letting someone know I am there helps! :) Reading blogs often is what inspires me to do the right thing. I see other people doing the right thing, pushing themselves, and I see that I can too! And sometimes people have downer posts, me included, but with all the support we can come through those times! i love that. A lot.

Anywhooo, today's appt. was good, both my parents came this time and I was sooooo scared, I was going to flake out and just go in myself but K encouraged me and I made the right decision. We didnt have enough time to get to my mom and my relationship but we made some good headway with my dad and mine. About why I hate him and love him at the same time and all that. I know things will get better with him, I need to work past the hurt in the past tho. I need to forgive and move on. K was asking me where I am in the healing process with that, she said there are 4 stages: hurt, anger, desiring revenge(which as christians we dont act on), and forgiveness. She asked if I was ready to forgive. Nope. Not really. I'm still in that "hurt" stage, but I need to be angry, because I know it is in me somewhere to be angry, I have a hard time being "mad" at people. I still feel hurt from that, I need to get my anger out so I can move on and then forgive. Because the hate side of our relationship is making things tough. This will take time of course, but at least now I know a bit more about this pain, and why i feel the way I do towards my dad, and treat him the way I do. Also this next week both of us are going to Vancouver, WA for a few days because he has a ESD board conference!! :D cannot wait! hes going to be in meetings a lot of the time, but I looked up the place and there are all kinds of great hiking/biking trails, and cool markets and malls! So I will get a bunch of great alone time, and also some great just fun unstressful time with my daddy! :D
Stuff with my mom is going to be a bit harder, she just doesnt understand me AT ALL! And I feel like she is still so unwilling to....change. :( Things are so hard with her, except this last week, whenever she wants to fight I just, instead of listening to instinct or what I think is right, I have just agreed with whatever she wants to say. I know its not really the right thing to do, but its the only thing I CAN do right now, she is already under a lot of stress, I dont want her to feel like our relationship is getting worse!

After that my parents left the room and K came and sat by me and snuggled up to me and I was so grateful because emotionally and physically that was SOOOOO exhausting! She told me she was proud of me, i was pretty proud of myself too I guess, she said I did great. i wassss sooo tired all of a sudden. I had been crying a lot of silent tears the whole time, so I think that really wore me out! I also mentioned to her, like Scott suggested, that i wanted to talk about food/weight stuff a little more. So next time I'm sure we will.

We went to Pikes Place after that for about an hour to get lunch. I didnt get lunch but I DID get the most yummerly icecream-honey lavender! :D So good! After I got that I saw that they had mango or Marion berry fro yo!!! :( I was so sad I didnt see that, I totally would have got it, i LOVE Marion berries, I think they are my fave kind of berry. :( next time, next time...

At the rest stop on the top of the pass we saw Matt, Cam, and Bry!! they were heading over with their fams for a lacrosse game!! What are the chances? They are in my class, btw. Thankfully I looked decent, so it wasnt mega embarrassing or anything. Cam asked why I was in Seattle and I told him it was for a Doc. appt. and he just sad that was weird and left it at that. He's a weird

kid...haha, and I dont really care what he thinks anyway! :)

When we get home my dad has to do some computer work then he said we can go on a tandem ride!! yaya, I havent gone on the tandem in FOREVER! I didnt bring my camera on this trip, but I will bring it on the ride and hopefully get some good pics! love you all!
Maddi
xxx

heloo!! It was a fantastic day, well once I got home from school that is, school was NOT the most enjoyable today. But the afternoon/evening makes up for it!!

When I got home I ate a carrot cake cliff bar and a cool mint chocolate cliff bar!! My 2/3 favorite kind, the third being white chocolate macadamia nut. No, this wasnt a binge, this was very intentional because I knew the rest of the day was going to call for some extra energy!!

I read some blogs, checked my email, etc, then woke up the kiddos. Omg, they would not get out of bed today!! But I finally coaxed them out with the idea of frozen gogurts and a super fun time playing outside. They got up and got just what I promised them! We swung outside, there is a pic up there. Btw, Naomi's hair is still really short but not because we cut it!! They shaved it like right before we went and got her and it is just taking a suuuper long time to grow out! But it is lookin pretty good considering she was basically bald when we first got her! ;) While the littles ran around some more I took some pictures of flowers and such. I have SUCH a cheap camera, but I did my best with what I had! After that I got my bike out of the shed, sprayed it(it was FILTHY!), fixed the broken petal, and blew up the flat tires, all by myself! I was pretty proud of myself since in the past it has been my dad who does that, but he wasnt home, and I did just fine on my own!

My mom got home so I went on my long awaited bike ride, the first one of 2010. IT. WAS. SO. FUN. Seriously, I died with happiness, its still with me now, hasnt worn off yet! :D Its amazing what a bike ride can do, that is if you love it! I rode probably about 6-11 miles. I really am so bad at estimating, i have no clue, but I am thinking it must be somewhere in there! I would have loved to have just kept going, but I knew there wasnt time and really i am not physically fit enough to push myself so far so long, so i went home. I took a great route tho, it was soooo beautiful, went down a long back street and was able to get to the loop trail. LOVED it!

When I got home the goodness didnt stop!! I talked to MAry, FINALLY!!!! It had been waaay too long, we just chatted a bit, nothing deep, but I told her I did want to talk more, just it would be akward to jump into "big" stuff so quick, and we were both really tired. Then I took a long relaxing shower, and got in bed to read blogs, and discovered I won the Beautiful award(separate post on that in a moment. (I dont even really get how to do them)

This was just a really happy post, no ED thoughts to write right now, maybe tomorrow I will post how I have been doing, but since I am living a day at a time, and today was a great day, that is what I am posting about! Hope you enjoyed the flower pictures!! :D

Maddi

xxx

Take a break maybe?

The canal-full of water=LIFE! :)
Arent these gorgeous? the picture doesnt do justice! I saw them in someones yard on a walk-so glad I brought my camera along!

Sooo, the title is because I am thinking about taking at least a week break from the computer. I am on it SOOOO much, i feel like I am missing out on some things, like watching my little brother and sister grow, and getting out of the house more. Like, blogging and meeting wonderful people has been sooo nice, and I will REALLY miss that, but hey, its only like a week. It's not like I will be gone forever! I just feel like i need to sort of "refocus" my life a bit. Instead seems like my focus is 1.) Food, and 2.) blogging. Ironic how thats what i am doing right now! :p I hate the idea of not blogging, I really DO love it, but the best thing for me seems to be a break. Get back into real life a little more. Enjoy what is around me instead of hunkering into my own little world. i really am happier when I am around people. I AM a people person, my ED just doesnt want me to believe that, and wants me to seclude myself. Today I went to the grocery store with my mom, and i could have stayed home but i chose to go, and I enjoyed her company and being with the littles(my name for Samuel and Naomi btw, without always having to name them! :) ) I even got some larabars-they were on sale 4 for $5! :) So...basically this is a hard decision to make buuuut, I will just take it a day at a time!

My new resolve is this: To live life one day at a time, not dwelling in the past or fretting about the future. I dont know why i didnt think of this before, but I am so glad I have made this resolve! I was being suffocated by life, all the bad things, and when I wasnt thinking about that I was worrying about what my future held for me! What kind of life is that??? I'll tell you this: it is miserable!

I want to live in the now. The present is what matters, making a difference every day, making everyday a separate day. And I cant tell you how much it has helped! I was suffocating, and now I feel like I can breath, knowing that I dont have to focus on what might happen wrong next. Instead I think about what is right at the now. SOooo, lots is right today! Lots is wrong, granted, but I am not focusing on those things. It doesnt mean they dont matter, they DO matter, and I am doing everything in my power to change them, but they dont change in an instant, so i wont focus on them when i can be thinking about good things!

Good things today were...well, I failed my drive test, PooP! That sucks since I have to pay for another one, but I was just sooo nervous so I just didnt drive very well! :( Sorry, that wasnt a good thing, I just had to share, lol! :) But today I had a fun walk/talk with Abbi. We didnt talk about anything deep, but I enjoyed it! And in Mr. T's classes we are watching Ben Hur, which is a old movie, but it is pretty good! And i got LARABARS, the Hazelnut Theo Chocolate Bar, and my fave three clif bar flavors at Fred Meyer's this afternoon! YAY! :) I want to post a pic...but that will have to wait! I cant wait to eat them!

Ok, well, really I can wait to eat them...I havent been doing so well in the food department...but I dont want to dwell on that, I have the hopes that it will just work itself out, like I will just eventually get hungry, and want to eat, and still be at an ok weight, and yady yaddy ya. :/ Fooey, I am so happy right now tho, I dont want to have to worry about it so much.

All in all, I think I am making a big step, choosing to live my life this way, with this new take on it, rather than how I was before. i am scared, excited, feeling challenged, and also somewhat relieved, that I really CAN do this! And so can all of you! :)

I dont know if i will post tomorrow, like I said, living life one day at a time, so we will see where this river takes me! Love you all!
Maddi
xxx

Screw ED!!!!

View of some mountain from Leavenworth, and my little bro Samuel looking out the window at Starbucks! :)
Okay soooo, i read all of your comments this morning, and those, plus my mom and dads encouragement to 'do the right thing', i decided to eat breakfast this morning! And although my body image is close to nothing and i feel 100% fat, i DO NOT feel guilty for eating. I know it is what is best for me. There is weight i want to loose, yes, but I am going to eat normal for AT LEAST a week before i try to loose anything. Like Sarah said, my body is freaking out, not knowing what i need, and I need to give it a chance to know what is going on!! So, on to breakfast:Friendship bread from a family. Poppy seed lemon.
oatmeal cranberry muffin. Made them yesterday, and some vanilla yogurt on the side!

So I have had lots of thoughts this morning. I really want to melt down, not go to church, hide away from all people until I have lost 15 pounds, etc.. but i know that I cant do that. I want to believe these positive thoughts that i have had. That weight DOES NOT matter. It doesnt matter what the scale says, or how clothes fits, God still loves me for who i am. Also, a lot of the reason I want to loose weight is that I want to look sck, i want that attention. Guess what?? First of all, I've already been there, done that, and i didnt get ANY attention, except for the occasional comment that I was really bony....But nobody asked if I waas ok or anything. I get all trembly, thinking that I am wasting my life away wanting people to feel bad for me. I want that attention, i need that attention. But i also need to accept that I cant have it. I cant waste my life looking for what I cant get. i have potential, i can do great things, but not if i waste my time trying to loose weight again. Or binging. I need to use food for its purpose: to give me life, not abuse it.

i hate ED!!! i wish anorexia was as simple as us just being vain. i wish it were as simple as that. if it were I could overcome it and know it was sin, and knock it off. But for most of us it is more than that. It is a comfort. Food, our control over it, is a safe thing. Anorexics dont just become anorexic because they feel like it. Gosh, if i knew what hell this was I would NEVER have let myself fall into this, but it wasnt a choice. it just...happened. ya, my body image has ALWAYS sucked, since at least 4th grade, but it never stopped me from eating! I distinctly remember the day I stopped eating. it was 2 days after our little girl died....and a lady at our school wrote me a letter...and for some reason that just upset me so much, and it was right before lunch but i didnt eat, i had completely lost my appetite. Then the next few days I didnt eat much...then I kept going, and after a few days stepped on the scale, and saw that I had lost some pounds. And after that it became my game, my escape from reality. Instead of thinking about the fact that my sister was dead and my best friend was moving away, i focused on the weight dropping. I didnt know a thing about calories. Not a single thing. But I threw away food, I pretended to eat so my parents wouldn't find out what i was doing, I exercised, I did everything and anything i could to make the number on the scale go down. I put all of my energy into it. and I felt HAPPY. I imagined life would be ok, I knew what I was doing wasnt right, but I kept going. And it was all good until the end of that summer my mom brought me to a therapist. And from there I have gained weight, i am healthier, and I am hating my life more than i ever have before....

I wish my mom hadnt forced me to go. i wanted to keep living the life i was, as pointless as it was. But something had to change....I want it back, i want that safety back, and i dont know what to do , because my T told me all of these things about calories, and how weight loss works, and in a way it has ruined the thrill of loosing weight.

I am right now at a much higher weight than i want to be. i cant stand it, i cant stand myself, I want out of my own body. but I will maintain where I am for a week at least. Then see where I will go from there....I want to go back. i really really want to. Every time i have tried in the past couple months I end up stopping myself. This time tho, i dont want to stop myself....

Maddi

xxx

dAy UNO.

Hi. So, this morning I woke up at 6:30, the start of my 3 day fast. Its so weird to think i cant eat anything till Tuesday morning...a relief in a way tho. i really hope this works in the way I want it too....

I wrote a list of all the things I can do over today, Sunday, and Monday, when of course i am not in church or school. i even printed it out and put little boxes next to the things. i want to see if I can get at least a little of each done before the three days are up! :) Here it is:I wont be surprised if you dont read it all, lol, its a bit long plus all my little comments;

*Draw *Dance(ya, weird I know put i love putting on loud music and dancing my heart out, even tho i really cant dance, lol) *walk (short ones mind you) *clean( i actually like cleaning, its relaxing!) *blog(doing that!) *watch movies(not a big fan of movie watching, but I may get pretty tired so its a good option) *play with the kids *bake(love baking) *drive(thats a must since my test drive is this week, I need practise!) *read *homework(yes, over the weekend :() *make dinner *organize closet *bead *make a collage *journal *read the bible *chores *swing

thats it minus a couple reminders...so ya, this should be a productive 3 days I believe. I cant really believe I am doing this..I mean seriously, what would i think if a recovering anorexic came up to me and told me they were doing a three day fast?? Well, if they were way unhealthy I would tell them no way, and i guess if they were healthy I would tell them to watch out! I confuse myself, I know why I am doing this tho. 1.)to loose the excess weight i may have gained from those un-fun binge episodes, and 2.) to "re-establish" my relationship with food. and maybe 3.) To prove to myself that I DO have control, because the last few days were proving me otherwise. I am super nervous about that third one. What will happen if i let myself down and loose control?? i think that would super duperly depress me. Thats why I wrote that list, so when i feel hungry I can do those things, rather than loose control. I think reason 2 and 3 are the main reasons for this fast. I just really really hope it goes as planned, i am a little anxious. but enough dwelling on that, I have so much to do today, i am going to get the MUST things done first, like homework and chores. Have a happy day everyone!

Maddi

xxx

Ick!

Pretty flower! :)

Ohay, well i JUST wrote a post then it disappeared. :( So I will sort of sum up what i wrote!

Today i kept myself from purging. And yes, I binged, but with good reason. I have an idea, and call me crazy, i am going to follow it!

Ugh, at the moment i feel soooo sick to my stomach, i would love to throw up but i will not. Because I need the food i just stuffed myself with! Slowly but surely over the past month my relationship with food has been getting worse and worse, to the point where i am really afraid of a relapse. Seriously, when i first relapsed it was because i hated food. you could put an icecream Sundae( pre ED fave food) in front of me and even tho I was starving I still wouldnt think about eating it because it seemed sooo disgusting to me. Well, that is starting to happen again, and my ED would rejoice over that, but it is scaring me. At this moment i HATE food, thats partly because I am so full right now, but really, I am starting to not appreciate it at all! So i have a "relapse prevention plan" that I will follow for three days. Call me crazy, but I am going to water fast for the next three days. By doing this i hope to jump start my dying relationship with food. Seriously, i am disliking everything about it, and I DONT want to relapse, so I want to make myself like it again.

By not eating for three days I think i will get my appreciation of food back. Also I am going to be safe about this, hence the eating so much today. That way when i loose weight(which is not the purpose of this, but will inevitably happen) it wont be too much because i will have all this extra. I wont be exercising either, except for maybe a short walk. But no running, no cardio pilates, and no super long walks! I am going to drink A LOT of water too, staying hydrated is really important.

I want your opinions on this. Will they change my mind? Probly not, but I would still like to know what you all think. You might just think I am setting myself up for a relapse. Maybe, but the way i see it, one is coming anyway. i would rather try to prevent one and fail than just not try at all! I'm a all or nothing kind of person, i am giving this my all, and if the results are bad...I guess that would make my ED VERY happy, but I really think this will help me. i really hope it will. unwise as it may be, i believe that if it DOES work, it will prove to be way wiser than just continuing how i am and letting my food relationship dwindle to nothing, so that i have to FORCE myself to eat.

I told my mom about this and she doesnt see a huge problem with it. Yes, she was a little concerned at first, but I told her about why I am doing it, and the precautions I am taking, and i dont think she likes the idea, but she is going to let me do this. Just tell me what you think, also your prayers that this will work the right way would be appreciated.

Maddi

xxx

P.S.

I am in a happy mood right now, thanks to Scott who talked to me for a long time yesterday, so much fun Skyping him, we talked about lots of stuff and even my little sis and bro came over and said hi! :) Thanks to everyone who has accepted me in this blogging community. As I told Scott, it has made a HUGE impact in my recovery, having so much support from people who are having the same struggles. Thanks so much, i really love you all!

NOT right.

One lonely yellow flower, that wants to just disappear. that wants to wilt into nothing. That wants to be no more. maybe beautiful on the outside, but destroyed on the inside. Maybe healthy on the outside, but torn apart on the inside. Wanting nothing more than to just LET GO.

I'm not even 16 yet. Its not right. Its not right that I am miserable, and then I just go make myself even more miserable by binge/purging, which I have done THREE freaking days in a row now. I am scared. I am honestly so so scared that now I am not just anorexic but bulimic also. Anorexia is enough to fight, why the hell am i putting myself into this new situation??? Its wearing me down, mind, body, and spirit.

The first day, Tuesday, i was just sooo hungry, I had hardly eaten anything for 5 days, so i gave in and ate, but then i didnt stop....I ate so much I felt sick, i just HAD to throw up. i didnt want to, i just had to.

Yesterday was different though. I got off the phone with my T and it was a mostly unproductive appt. then i decided to eat, but this time i ate with a little voice in the back of my head that said, "eat, keep eating, stuff yourself, then throw it all up! Come on, keep going, eat this, eat that, eat it all!" I listened. :( i didnt do anything to try and fight the voice, i just listened. WHY??? I think because i have felt sooooo lonely, so it was a voice that was there, it was like another person comforting me. Then i talked to Scott for a long time, and he gave me some good advice, and I decided to use it. Unfortunately, my mom doesnt know how to use this idea(having her prepare all of my meals and snacks) so again today i was completely on my own. And what do i do??? Well, when my mom left to take my sis to dance I raided the cupboards. :/ And now my weight is going up, all I want to do now is exercise, then not eat anything tomorrow. But i am afraid its all gonna happen again tomorrow. :(

I emailed my T, to ask her for help. I really hope she has some ideas. She had an eating disorder too, and she said she went through a period like this. I want this to be the last day of this though. Let me rephrase that: This WILL be the last day of this. It isnt the last day of being eating disordered, but it IS the last day of binge/purging for no reason.

I have just felt so lonely. No body will text me, nobody will call me, except Scott, love you, I am really so grateful for that! But other then that I feel abandoned. It feels too much like a replay of when i was 10. I wrote a list today, a list of all the people who really show that they care for me. That helped. It wasnt a long list, but yet it was a list, there were people on that list who I KNOW love me. The last few days are wearing me out tho, i want to sleep for a week, and then wake up and have this nightmare be over! Seriously....

Maddi
xxx

out of it.

hi, I am still here, but really really really struggling. i dont feel like posting much of anything. All I can say is today was a hard day and I feel like i have nobody. But that isnt true, i just need to open up my eyes and see the people who are willing to be there for me. I can and will get through this. Its just really really really hard. Thats all.

Maddi

xxx

Trying to be positive!

Hello. Its Monday. Its another day. And I am trying to have hope.

H.O.P.E. You cant really see the butterfly but anyway I drew it for a business card for a guy. Just a collage of stuff on my cork boards. :) My nails. :) The blue and white are the new colors I got yesterday! :)
Theo chocolate bar. I ate it too fast and really didnt enjoy it...so mad at myself right now! :(

Did my hair in a low messy bun with a cute headband to go to the hospital to apply for that job. :) My mom and I got back from that a little bit ago and it seemed well, the lady like me, and now they know my face and not just an online application! She said the position is opening up real soon so it is looking hopeful!

Last nights rasberry tart dessert. :) Pretty!

So...ya...i am not the happiest right now! I have a stomach ache because for breakfast this mornning I binged on chocolate basically!!! :/ I had a very large peice of the tart, which is chocolate underneath, then I ate the whole Theo bar!!! :( So now my tummy hurts and I have to restrict for the rest of the day because its so many calories, i dont want to go over!!! And tomorrow is the first day back to school after break, so I want to go back feeling in control, as stupid as that sounds, so now I cant eat for the rest of the day, and I have to take a long walk and do cardio pilates. Sorry if this is triggering, I obviously am not in a good place with my ED right now, dont take from my example! :/ Its sunny outside, a walk should be nice anyhow, and lift my spirits. I was going to wait till later to post but I wanted to wait and see if my tummy would feel better so I decided to just do it now!

Gosh, I cant believe there is school tomorrow! :( Happy sad. Happy because I can loose weight so much easier when school is in, I'm not sure why, maybe because I burn more calories bc of all the thinking??? Idk....Also happy because then i can talk to Abbi more, we only got to see eachother 3 times the whole break, which I suppose is really good considering she is the only person I saw!! Happy also because I can get away from my mom for most of the day! During break ya I can take walks but thats only a couple of hours. With school tho I can be at school then come home and take a walk, so I only have to see her a few hours a day. Depressing I know, but ever since my last T appt. when my T had this great idea to help our relationship(I thought it was great) my mom has been awful! On the car ride home she told me she had failed at being my mom and she was giving up. Thanks mom! I am willing to try and change but she is not. So now our life together is even worse then before, she hardly talks to me, i really dont understand why, I didnt do anythin to her! :( So I cant wait for school to start for that reason! The only thing I am NOT looking forward to is just seeing the mean girls in my class. What are they going to say? I bet they will just be talking about their fun breaks but I will have nothing to add. I didnt spend any time with any of them...and I didnt do anything exciting. Good thing I have Abbi at lunch or I would be more than miserable. i would make an imaginary friend!

Sorry, this post has lots of random musings! I just need to get out some of my stressful thinking before being thrown into school tomorrow. A walk will help with that too. I'm waiting for my tummy ache to just go away already but its not, so I will probly just go.

Relationships suck, ED has me in its grips, and it just seems like everything important is spiraling out of control. It doesnt help that Karli is STILL in Mexico, so I have no one to talk about my problems with. like ya, Abbi is my friend, but not in that sense. And she is also a lot younger than me, so that would be awful to tell her some things! Besides AN I completely feel alone. If I wasnt in my ED I wouldnt be able to cope at all! I just want somebody so badly! :( Nobody to talk to, nobody to cry with, nobody to hold me, nobody to hug me, nobody to ask how I am doinng. I am trying. Trying to not focus on myself, baking for others, writing notes to people, praying for people, wanting to take my eyes off myself. AN is the only way I provide for myself what I really want and need but completely lack. I NEED some encouragement! Do i even want it tho??? My ED definitely does not! It is sooo happy right now that I am struggling so much that I am COMPLETELY leaning on it, but me, Maddi, the REAL me, wants help and support like nothing else! But I get nothing...so I turn to ED and let it hold on to me, let it play its game with me, let it beat me up, because even tho its torture it feels good. it feels good to let the physical pain of starving distract me from the emotional pain of being alone.

God is with me, i know that, but in so many ways i resent Him for giving me this life, for bringing me into this world. His hand is by me, He is waiting for me to take it. But can I??? My heart has been shattered so many times...it feels impossible to give it up again. The Psalms are encouraging, they give me hope as i read them, but the second i set the book down, its gone. Because altho I was in His word, I wasnt really letting it come into me. Like karli said, I have built walls around my heart. Yes, i have. But its not my fault. At least I dont think it is!!! An abusive teacher, a best friend who abandoned me, a mom who hates me(or at least treats me like she does!), a sisters death, another best friends move away. Those are NOT my fault! How could they be? But they have made me protect my heart in a way that isnt very healthy but it was the only answer. I have given my heart instead to the disease that is killing me. It has never let me down. Yet it is killing me. The thing that seems the best is actually the worst. Where on earth am I going with my life?? Like I said, things are spiralling out of control. How was my spring break?? it sucked. Fun things occasionally, but for the most part, a week I would like to forget.

Maddi

xxx