Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Finally a Spring Break day worth reporting! :)
Just a little pic I drew. :)
Monday, March 29, 2010
I'm still alive.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Falling apart....
Maddi
xxx
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Good and bad days gone by...
Ok, omg, back to what I am enjoying, it is seriously like desert but better because its not tooo sweet(i dont really like sweet that much) and its oatmeal, so of course its good! :D LOVE!
HEy!
Maddi
xxx
Monday, March 22, 2010
I guess I'm just a foodie ;)
Just a little yogurt mess from last night. I tried a new brand of greek yogurt, strawberry flavor, and decided to crumble a oatmeal cranberry cookie on top.
Well, off to bed, I really hope all of you more than amazing bloggers had a good Monday!! :) Btw, your comments really made my day!! :)
Night night!
Maddi
zzz(hehe)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sad on Sunday...
Dark chocolate chocolate and bread bar by Theo!! mmm, it was so yummy! I split it with my friend K when i was at her house last night and ate it while watching Amazing Grace. Oh, I LOVED it! :D I found it in the health food aisle at Fred Meyer's. How random is that?? ;p I am going to get the hazelnut kind next time. I also love the wrapper, its so cute!
Lunch yesterday was amaze!! I had a toasted english muffin spread with 1/2 tbsp PB each and topped with carrot strips. O my goodness yumminess! Ah, I think I have found a favorite! Also had a serving of fruit and nut medley from costco on the side. When i was at Fredy's last night I also bought ten cliff bars because they were on sale. I bought all the flavors and I cant wait to try them all, one for each day! :)
Yesterday, after watching the movie Thin, which is a documentary about girls with eating disorders in in-patient, I decided I need to find a different way to release my emotions. Well, or release them at all for that matter!! I felt so sad watching it, like that could be MY life if I wasnt strong enough to keep fighting. Heres some things that I have discovered dont help me release the hard thoughts, but they DO help me feel better, and by doing them I can make it through better. Like they are positive ways to distract me from pain. I want to write them down so that I remember them, so that when I feel awful I can look at these positive things and see that that is what I can channel my energy into doing.
taking Chiro on walks. blogging. baking. reading. watching movies. drawing. swinging. swimming. organizing my room.
What is sad is that all of those things are solitary....I'm sick of being alone in everything i do.
I also had a drive which went fantastic, yay, then went to Karli's. We watched Amazing Grace, even tho I just watched that but I wanted to see it again, I love it so much. And i had that delish Theo bar, haha, 'on the side'. After we crawled into bed (she has a double bed) and talked.
It started with one question from me. How often do you see your mom? Honestly I was curious, her and her mom seem so, connected, and I just wanted to know so bad. So she told me and asked me the same...and I really didnt have an answer except mumbling, uh, well....she picks me up from school everyonce and a while...then there are the drives to Seattle, and...uh... Ya, pathetic... And we just kept talking, and I kept telling her more and more, and asking her about her parents, and she would ask me the same, and it was just so heartbreaking to see the difference. Like sometimes she feels disconnected, its a billion times worse for me...Not to have like a pity party or anything!!! I also wanted to cry soooo bad. I told her that. She told me that was ok, i could, she wouldnt judge me. She assured me it was ok, it wasnt a bad thing, its a good thing. But I couldnt. I told her I havent...instead I cut or starve myself. Why cant I cry??? K asked me that. And I didnt know what to say because I didnt really know the answer. Am I scared? I think so...Of what?? Of letting go...But why on earth would I be scared to let my tears fall, to cry the big sobs that are stuck in me, the anguish that is building up and has nowhere else to go?? Because I feel alone, I need someone to cry with, I dont want my release to be in secret...But you werent alone, she was right there with you, so why didnt you just let go?? What was holding you back?? No, I wasnt alone. Yes, she was right there. And hell, I am mad at myself for holding back. But why I was, is I was scared shitless. (sscuse the french.) Scared of the unknown, scared to trust her that it would be OK if I cried, scared to feel anything but safe......safe inside myself....always I'm inside myself.
Arg, well i had another paragraph but dumb ole blogger(no offence) wouldnt save it. Whatever :/ Goodnight!
Maddi
xxx
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thoughts that CANT be let go of.
Friday, March 19, 2010
:/ Sometimes I just dont want to go on...
- I was looking at the positives
- I felt like I had a good meal plan for the day that I was going to stick too(and I have succeeded ok so far, maybe just a little over)
- So many heavy hard feelings just werent present! Like it was as if they didnt exist...
- I was excited to get my net book
but now I am sad...because
- I found out my mom read my blog!
- my dad ignored me...
- i just feel LOST!!!
I hate me! I hate my body, I hate it so much, I wish I was just comfortable with it like the other girls...I hate me because of my inability to just not care. I feel sooo hurt. I just want to cry so bad, I just want to be held in someones arms and cry...I cant tho, I have noone. Not now at least, not here. I hate my family!!! I really do, I love them because they are my family, but I HATE the way they treat me. My mom was on the phone so much, my dad too, he is always doing work...Right now they are upstairs, my mom dad, clarissa, and my relatives, just talking, but when i was at the table there wasnt that natural conversation. They are laughing now. What is wrong with me??? Why cant I be treated normal? Why cant I just BE normal?? I want to cry, I just want to cry sooo bad. but there is no one....I dont even want to lose weight. Like ya, I could, but eff it, it doesnt help. When I crawl into my ED cave to get away from the problems, it doesnt fix them, it just makes it worse for when I come out of the cave. So why come out?? Because i HAVE to! Being in my ED just makes things worse, I know that is true, my mom tells me she isnt mad at me, and that it doesnt effect our relationship but what the hell?? What relationship??? I have ruined anything there may have been, ever....I want to leave. I want to escape from this life. i want to live with the Poages. Mrs. Poage would just hold me and let me cry. She would notice and care about me, she wouldnt have to intrude and read my blog the way my mom did to see that I am not ok. She would just know because she cares about me. And ya, i suppose my mom does to some degree, but its only because she has to, its just her responsibility. She has told me before that I should go live somewhere else. my dad has told me that before too. Too many times to count. I know they dont hate me, but they certainly dont love me. Yes, they love me because I am a person, and they have to as christians, but they dont...not in the same way. Efffffffffff, I just want OUT!!! I want to get away! no, I now know that loosing weight isnt the answer...i have found that out the hard way...looking sick on the outside is a picture of how I am doing on the inside, yes, but then that becomes the focus, and not what I really need. I hate hate hate hate hate going up and down, starving myself then changing my mind halfway thru............
How can a child have two parents who refuse to love them?? I just want to...hide...leave...I want to feel SAFE! I hate where I am, where I am not understood, I am not accepted, I am not protected...I am hardly even seen. I want to disapear because I have been treated like it would be best if I just would. But I also want to be seen. I want strong loving arms wrapped around me. tears are running down my cheeks but nobody sees........nobody knows....they are nobodys concern, i have to just take care of myself. i am TIRED of taking care of myself! I am tired of "being my own mom" I am tired of having to control my emotions because i cant let them out...
...thats how I feel...about my life, about my parents, about my siblings, about the people in my class, about the people who have abused me, about all the things i want to change but cant, about all the things i have such strong emotions about but I cant do a thing about...
Ah, well I should go...I stayed up late last night watching Amazing Grace, now I am watching the Secret Life of Bees. :( I think blogging does help me thi, i dont feel so much like crying anymore. It a way out. Also there is a story I want to write and maybe turn into a book.
goodnight,
Maddi
xxx
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
An Unexpected Visit by me!!! :)
Then the last three are yesterdays lunch and snacks. MMMM, I LOVED this Larabar!!! Soooo good!
This is a card I made for miss Abbi with twirler paper. :)
Ah today. Today was a very funny day!! And I wont go into to many details, but it involved phones, bad boys, a trip to the principles office, and skipping class. And o my gosh, I cant stop laughing about it!! Long story short I got in trouble for something not bad, but got sent to the office with 3 boys who had done the thing I did but in a BAD way, then I had the pleasure of putting my principle(who is very full of himself) in a corner as he didnt know how to answer the question I had asked that basically showed him he was wrong about what he was telling us we were doing. Ah, then class was almost over so we just went to the locker room and talked and laughed for 20 minutes till lunch...hahaha, I couldnt stop laughing after lunch. I kept giggling. Honestly I could go thank Mr. D for making my day interesting and worth smiling about for once in the year!!! And no, I wasnt intending to make him look like a fool, it was a honest question, but it sort of did in the end, and I just cant help but laugh!!
I wont be going to gym tonight-low weight + out of town visitors, so just loafing, doing a little homework, and just whatever. Thank the Lord for a good day tho!! :) I am just so happy that something was different, even tho it wasnt exactly positive!! lol, shows how good can come out of "bad."
Eating wise i just havent been feeling hungry, which is a good thing considering I want to lose weight. And I didnt feel AS fat today. Just better all in all. The sun is shinning out tho, and I will go do my homework. O ya, and I talked to Mary and told her about my day, and she is calling me back later because she has something to tell me.
Off to a lazy wazy evening! :)
Maddi
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Bleh!!
Today has been a long day. School was same old, I walked with Abbi at lunch and it was pretty fun, and I just thought it was a little comical because here we are, both with ed's, and the whole time basically we were talking about food bars!! lol. She told me about all the different cliff bar flavors that are at Fred Meyer's and I am going to have to check them out because they all sounded amaze!! Speaking of those, i bought a carrot cake flavored one which I am going to eat for lunch tomorrow.
For breakfast I had apple instant oatmeal. Lunch was a cherry pie Larabar, and o my goodness, this one certainly is my fave out of the 3 that I have tried!! Btw, i will post pictures tomorrow. After school snack was an apple with a tbsp of almond butter. That was different...I didnt want to use PB tho because I always do! Dinner was a lean pocket, and a TLC trail mix bar after drivers ed.
Today I had soooo much homework! Sheesh, and I technically am still not done! Ah, bleh, whatever. Drivers ed was good because it was my LAST class, and I passed the test!! YAY! So now i just have 3 more drives and I am completely done. :) Saturday night I am going to Karli's to spend the night because her whole family wil be gone and she doesnt want to be home alone. ;)
Body image was TERRIBLE today!! Ugh, the whole day I just felt so FAT! Not as bad as yesterday but still....I wanted to hide, or go home, but of course i couldnt. haha, that reminds me, random as it is, that my jerk of a math teacher called the whole class(well maybe just the few people who had questions about the hw assignment, me included) weak and incapable!! Isnt that just pathetic???? I mean, hullo?? We are in math CLASS to learn about math, not be ridiculed when we dont understand it!! He bugs me, and boy, if he had said that to one person in specific I am just sure I would have walked right out of the room without a word and not gone back in. Seriously!!! :/
I will write that metaphor about me that I had in mind. So, I am holding a shield. Just a good sized shield, the type you would see in Roman battles way back then. i am holding up that shield, trying to protect myself, as people are shooting little arrows at me. Sometimes the occasional spear will come in my direction too. A lot of the arrows just stick into my shield, and dont do me any damage. Sometimes tho they hit me, because the shield is not large enough to completely cover me. That is why I need to lose weight, because I need to make myself small enough to fit behind this shield, which is not protecting me enough. When the spears hit the shield they just make it weaker,smaller, and I am hit more and more by the weapons flying at me. I HAVE to become smaller to save myself. Mostly it is just arrows, but there are SOOO many, that it is overwhelming, and they continue to graze me, each time it hurts a little worse than the first time. And the spears are the worst, they leave me cowering, frightened to leave even a pinky finger showing, so I have to shrink, and fast!! I cant imagine doing anything different. Who else could help?? It is just me, alone on the battlefield, I am trapped against the fortress walls, and there are enemies on every side. I do see a rope dangling above me, but by this time I am too small to reach it. I would have to grow in order to grab it and be hauled over the wall by my companions. It is too late tho. The volley of arrows and spears is TOO heavy. Just the slightest give on my part and I wouldnt make it. I have to stay behind the shield. Maybe, just maybe, my companions will lower the rope for me. But by the time they realize I need it, by the time they see that it is just out of my reach, my shield may be broken in two and the largest spear of all could be in my heart. That is how I see myself, in a metaphorical Iliad type war scene, ;).
Well, goodnight again! I have to take a shower and head to bed because gosh it is late!!! So happy Wednesday to everyone!!
Maddi
xxx
Monday, March 15, 2010
Where am I? Or better yet, who am I?
Today, lets see. I had a third piece of dry toast for breakfast, I dont even know why I bothered because that accounts for like, nothing. I guess because I have heard that your metabolism slows down if you skip breakfast. I dont honestly know if thats fact tho!! Lunch was snap peas, which I scarved down real fast because I had a phone appointment with my bestie! :) Yup, thats right, since Mary is on spring break we decided to talk during my lunch break!
It was really fun to talk to Mary, it felt kind of like she was back at school! We talk every day via text, and at least once a week live, but we werent able to connect yesterday, so I texted her last night and told her we could talk at lunch! :) I went to the field on the other side of the building, which I am not sure is allowed, but whatever. ;) We just chatted for a half hour as I walked around. I gave her the latest news, like as of today, and she didnt really have much to tell me because shes on break and nothing at all is really happening. But it was so fun and the end came too soon.
After school the second i walked in the door my mom handed me the phone and it was Mary again!! lol, I was quite surprised. She was calling so we could come up with a "code" for texting when we are talking about our bad "things." We couldnt talk for long but it was really funny and we laughed quite a bit, which was so nice. Laughing is always so nice, and when I laugh it is all the better because i hardly ever have reason to genuinely laugh.
I went and took my drivers ed test, test 9, and passed, no problemo, then I had to walk to the Eastmont park where my mom was with the kiddos because I had finished the test in 10 min, rather than the expected 25. It was nice tho to get some forced exercise because I was feeling quite lazy and i dont think I would have gone on a walk today. Too bad for Chiro, who I am sure really enjoys his walks!!
Soooo, I have NOT been having good body image or self worth feelings at all! Last night I cut myself, just once, not even deep. :/ I hate writing that. I HATE that I did that. I absolutely do. But I think I did because I felt sooo unexplainabley guilty that I am falling and choosing to not pick myself up. I cant put so much blame on myself tho...last time I did I was close enough to not making it...I dont want to feel that way again. I also took a sharpie and wrote "fat", and 'gross" on my thigh. Honestly, it looked that way to me! Ewks, I just couldnt stand it, feeling so large, when all I wanted to do was shrink!! O, speaking of that i have a good metaphore for it, but i will put that in my next post, hopefully I will remember to.
Snicker!! :)
I had a mini snickers bar as my afternoon snack and I dont know what I will do for dinner. Maybe an oatmeal packet, maybe a piece of dried toast. Idk, but tomorrow I will up my calories to a minimum amount, which is more enjoyable because then I can eat dinner, therefore not rising questions from my mom about whether or not I am eating because I always feel so bad when she asks me that, like I am failing her but there is nothing I can do about it. :/
Tomorrow my aunt and cousin from Kentucky are coming to visit!! I am excited to see them!! I am also happy that tomorrow I will be on a cal intake that will allow me to eat a normal sized dinner so I wont get any questions from them. That would be just plain awkward because they dont know I have an ED, at least I dont think they do.
I really should be off, I still have a lot of stuff to do, and I will probs be going to bed earlier then not, so tootles!
Maddi
xxx
P.S. The title of this post really has about nothing to do with what I wrote about, well maybe a little. But I think its a line from a book and I like it!:)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice. :)
Happy Sunday!! As far as eating goes, well, it waas nOT GOOD! :/ I totally pigged out when I got home from the homeshow, then i felt horribly guilty and went for a run and did cardio pilates, then after this post i am going to do some more cardio pilates. Buuut, the whole day hasnt been bad!
Church this morning was REALLY good. It was about Jesus return and how we need to completely turn away from our sin, we cant just hope to drift down the river and end up with Him. I felt bad, just that I am going into my ED, and not leaving it behind like our pastor was calling us to do with our sins...:/ But I am not a perfect human, and I get so depressed and it gets so hard to just make it through a day when I dont listen to my ED, so I cant let go of it, not until I feel safe...which hopefully someday, thru therapy and friends, and God too, I WILL feel safe. I really do believe it will happen. But ya, since I Am at this point listening to my ed, I will go workout some more. Good thing I am not feeling tired.
I cant believe it is like 6:30 already! ! Sheesh this day seems like its flying! And I never would usually say this but I cant wait till tomorrow because it is soooo much easier for me to lose weight during the school week. i always seem to "mess up" on weekends because I dont have that schedule. So I really want Monday to be here, and I wish I could just skip the weekends when i am trying to lose because they just make things complicated!!
I ask myself why on earth I am going backwards, and choosing to relapse and not maintain. The answer to that is I dont know how to handle life right now. Its so weird, I was never really happy. i can look back on the years before this and say to myself, "I was so happy then! If I would just get rid of this stupid ED I could be happy again. Dont I want my old life back??" The answer to that is no. I wasnt happy then. Really, I just was piling up the hard and hurt feelings within myself, I woudnt share them, and I wouldnt let them out. And if I did try to express them, i wasnt understood. I had no one. And I wonder why i suppressed my feelings so well then, and now I still keep them hidden, yet I need my ED to cope?? It seems like I would just get better at holding them in as I got older, but I guess the reason I cant without my ED is because the things to hold in just were getting worse. Like bad things happened, do happen, and I cant do anything about it so I take it out on myself, with starving myself, and if i mess up with that then I turn to harming myself. Its so complex... But I feel able to handle the pain better when I am starving myself, just another form of self-harm, without the permanent scars. :/
Anywhoo, this Sunday after church, which I already said was great, I drove us down to the Town Toyota Center to go to the home show. They had a ton of big inflatables, i wish I had my camera. We jumped around on those for a while, it was so fun. C and I raced on this one obstacle course type one and it was soooo hilarious!! I won, and afterwards C said I looked like a dolphin!! Haha, lol, I probly did, as I was just jumping and diving over all of the obstacles, so all she could see were my feet in the air!! Thats how I roll!!! lol, I laugh thinking about it!!! It was a lot of fun tho, then we walked aroung the booths and got a piece of candy at each and filled my sweaters pockets, mine in one pocket, and C's pieces in the other. lol, it got pretty heavy and bulgy so I just took it off and carried it! :) Ya, I kinda pigged out on like 6 chocolate pieces later....argh, I wasnt even hungry so it makes me mad that I did!! O well, I worked out, am going to more, and i am not going to exceed 600 cals tomorrow so I can make up for todays out-of-control-ness.
After the homeshow I finished The Last Battle. SUch an amazingly good book! Omy gawsh, I absolutely loved it!!
I also baked Sugar and Spice cake yesterday!! Yum! Although baking is a good time killer on those days when I am trying to lose weight and am just waiting for the hour when i can go to bed, it is also bad because this cake was so good I had a big piece today! I was planning to not eat any! :( But it WAS good, so I didnt miss out I suppose. Whatever!
Well, I shall be off to do another CP workout, then take a shower to SHAVE, yes sorry, TMI, but it has been a while! ;) And then I will do some math hw I have from missing Saturday and by the time all that is said and done it should be about bedtime! Thanks for reading my blog you people who do, lol, even if its just one person it would still make me happy! :)
Maddi
xxx
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunny Saturday! :)
With eating and weight I know I am not in the right place, it doesnt take a genius to see that, but I dont want to gain weight until I am ready. And I know, there is the argument that I will never be ready, but i will. Sometimes it just takes longer for some people than others, but it will happen, I know. I no longer am using the excuse of going to gymnastics to keep my weight up tho, because soon I will have a job, then it will be summer and I wont be able to go anyway, then there will be college and i will be too busy. So either way its not going to work for me to go. :/ Lame sauce. I dont want to let people down, but this is my battle, and I will fight it, just...i dont know, i guess just not right now. Right now with everything in my life i am just content to be in my ED.
Well, I am watching a episode of Grey's Anatomy. Its been a while since I have bothered to get online to watch this show, its just been so...over the top weird lately, so I havent really been interested, but today i am treating myself to being lazy! ;) For a while that is, then a walk and some chores and some drawing!
Have an amazing weekend everyone!!
Maddi
xxx
Heres a couple pictures for the adoption agency:The words say 'Unconditional Love'
Friday, March 12, 2010
Thoughts...feelings...
First yesterday. So I woke up at 1:30, I guess because when you are starving you do that, wake up alot in the night that is, so I woke up and ate..Ya, I ate, finally more than 300 cals in one sitting. Ugh, and i read The Horse And His Boy as I ate. Speaking of that, I had been reading thru the whole series before my ED ever started and I never finished them. But i remember it was a good memory to just sit in my beanbag in my room listening to Enya while I read. I felt so happy at that time. Like where did that happy feeling go???Why is it that now, even tho I am older and more mature I cant just hold back any bad feelings and just be happy??? I wish I could...Off subject, so I read, then went back to bed, and woke up again at around 4:45 and couldnt get back to sleep. And finally did and felt really gross and feverish so my mom let me sleep in an hour. Then I went to school and had a biology test, which sucked slightly because I thought the vocab was multiple choice and it was NOT!! :S But whatever, I'm sure I at least got a B. And if i didnt then I would make an appeal!
For the rest of the day I just continued to eat a lot. I guess I wanted to gain weight...maybe I was just so hungry that I did it...maybe I didnt want to have lost weight at my T session which was today...maybe i just wanted the thrill of loosing it again...I dont have the answers, but in any case the day, as far as eating, was miserable as I look back on it because i am regreting it. But I need to look to the future, and realize that most of it, not all tho, is food weight. if I dont eat anything tomorrow then i will be back to where I was, and I can continue to lose weight like I was. :( I'm so messed up. But maybe because of my appt. today I feel like I can organize how I am thinking better?? Idk.
I did some art after school for Agape Adoptions, and I actually need to send it to her tonight, I will post pics of it tomorrow. That was good, and I also finished The Horse and His Boy. I love those books, but they are such short reads it is almost kind of sad! ;)
I dunno, school is so....unbearable sometimes. But Wed. night my mom and I went to a running start meeting and learned about it and I already have a date set to take the Compass test, and my hope is to take 3 college classes, and then I wouldnt have to take any anywhere else, like Eastmont. The only thing that makes me sad is I would have to get my highschool diploma from Eastmont rather than TRA, which is pathetic considering I have been there forever. :/ But that isnt enough of a reason to stay there! So I am excited and also nervous about this big change. :)
Ok, so I want to lose weight, and i have been wanting to do this for a while but keep stopping myself from doing it, usually half way thru, with reasons like: if I lose weight i cant do gymnastics, and I cant have a dog, and I cant do swimteam. But those reasons are pathetic I see now because I will be in college and wont have time for gymnastics because I will be(hopefully) working at the hospital, and I wont have time to take care of a puppy either. So i will lose weight, and stop using those things as my reason to not. I should gain weight when I actually WANT to, which is why i dont understand why i ever did in the first place...i guess it was just those things. And i wont be too weak for college because at my lowest weight, believe it or not, i was working 12 hour days of hard labor in the orchards!!!! i still cant believe i did that....and am alive....So I WILL lose weight, and keep it off until I am actually ready to FULLY recover, because I am so sick and tired of this constant up and down, starving then stuffing, thing. :( So tired of it...
Other than driving over the pass for my session nothing else notable happened today except a several mile long walk. I wish i had the stamina to run that far, it would burn so many more calories. I took this walk when i got home. We stopped at Trader Joes and I got a southwest salad for lunch without the dressing. And I got a couple Larabars i havent tried yet, and the carrot cake clif bar because i have heard it is good.
So about my appointment. I dont want to talk much about it...i dunno, i guess I feel like it is mine, like I dont want to share it with anyone. But I can say that it was so much different, but so much better, than any one that I have had yet. Like ya, I am still 100% stuck in my ED, so it wasnt helpful in that sense, like not immediately at least, but I think it was a big step. Like we hit on something big, something that i never told anyone...but I told her today....and I just want to relive it...like its hard to explain, but i was safe. I felt safe. I dont feel that right now, but I feel better, and I have this memory now...and its so....i just cant really put it in words. And I think I feel really scared right now to because I told her something i never thought i would tell anyone, not that its a bad thing! but i never thought i would and now it scares me to know that i did and i could get hurt, i dont even know how, but i could from letting my need be known...like i am so afraid to ask for anything, least of all help....Like when you gain weight you know you CAN lose it, but when you tell someone something you CANT untell it. So no, i dont regret today, at all, but i am afraid something will happen that will make me want to take back all that I said...And I cried today too...I have never cried at a T appt. I havent cried in a long time. My eyes well up but I always hold back the tears but today i cried, not a lot, but still. *sigh*
Well, I WILL lose weight, and this time not stop half way then stuff myself. I know, its not right, but its what i need right now for some reason. Well, off to do something, maybe watch a movie, or do cardio pilates, or draw, or take a shower, or read The Last Battle because I read The Magicians Nephew today.
Some eats from yesterday:
vanilla yogurt topped with homemade granola and frozen blueberries. :)
Cucumbers and hummus. ahhh, tasty.
French dip sandwhich!!
Off for the night now!
Maddi
xxx
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
EDnesday..:/
Last nights dinner was mango chicken stirfry. I had a half cup of the stir fry w/ out chicken, and 1/4 cup white rice. The mango was delicious! my mom said it was better fresh tho, and unfortunately I had to wait till after drivers ed to eat it. Also I was trying to enjoy my dinner and my mom comes and checks on me so I tell her to please leave me be and instead she just blows up in my face and tells me I am being paranoid and selfish and I was supposed to read books to Samuel!!I was NOT being paranoid, I just wanted to enjoy my dinner without her standing over my shoulder! Whats the matter with that?!?!? And I was sooo hungry, i just wanted to eat first, THEN I would have read to Samuel. Its not like it takes me that long to eat, and it would have been much faster if she hadnt so rudely interrupted! bleh....
So I have been feeling tired today, but not as much, and I didnt have any of those weird chest pains. I had a garlic chicken lean pocket today-minus the chicken, and a mini luna bar-yum! Also I just finished a peanut butter TLC bar for snack. I also had one last night at like 9 because I was so below my cal minimum that I decided I should try to get a little bit closer at least. So I did, and I felt bad afterward, but my body really needed it. For breakkie I made what I did yesterday, my blended blueberry creation.
Abbi and I might go see Alice in Wonderland this Saturday. I'm not sure. Is it worth seeing in theaters?? I just dont have money to spend on seeing movies in the theaters, so I am very picky about the movies i see.
Well, i didnt have a lot to say...but I should go and study like I need to, and I am glad I just get to lay down and relax a bit. So ya, have a good Thursday!!
Maddi
xxx
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
What should i title this post? ;)
mmmm, this was so good, I will have it tomorrow morning for sure!! :)
School was ok. In Mr. T's two classes we just did computer work and I read some blogs when i was finished. Also my team won the villa building competition(thanks to me and my detailing with the exacto knife) so we won candy bars. I chose Snickers, and I am still slowly enjoying it!!
Ahh, i used to not like snickers but now i love em!! It took me almost two hours to finish this! ;) (i just got back from a interruption of writing this post btw.)
Abbi and I had a great talk. She told me how she opened up to her T yesterday, and we also talked just about how our ED's really started, like what the big event that triggered them was. For lunch I had a cookies and cream cliff builder bar. Perty good, but not amaze.
Not the best, but a pretty wrapper! :)
Last nights dinner. This wasnt mine, mine didnt have meat on it and was a lot less, so I took a picture of this one because it was pretty. It was sooo yummy, also with some yummy flat-bread my mom made, that I ate a little ripped off piece of.
Today was a art day, fun as usual, then I came home and did all my drivers ed hw, she gave us a ton of reading.
Well, I am definitely feeling the effects of not eating as much as i should be, but I just dont ever feel like eating! Like seriously, I havent even been looking in the mirror hardly because I know I am really thin, I dont even need to check. Its not really about wanting to look thin, its just about wanting to lose weight and like not eat...i dont know why, but my ED really has me in its grips. I just dont feel like eating. I havent even been hitting the minimum...:/ Last night I woke up at like 4:30 and had chest pains, and I just shrugged that off, and it didnt last very long at all, then that happened again today during math, then again during art. Like its not super painful but it hurts enough for me to notice...and its just on the left side which kinda scares me...ive never felt that before. i just really am a bit scared because i dont want to lose weight, I dont really want to go back down this path, but i am anyway, and i cant stop, even tho I know that i actually can. Its like i want to but i dont want to. Argghh, its so hard....And karli hasnt been texting me to ask how food things are going...:/ Well, i suppose she did Sunday, and i DID tell her not to ask every day. But I feel like someone should know how little I am eating. During my T apt. Dr. K. said I could email her my eats from the day, so i might just do that tonight, and just see how that goes. :/ I am starving but i dont feel hungry. And I am so tired, all I want to do is lay down and sleep, but i cant because I have drivers ed, which i have to leave for in a few...so ya, its just hard...i am so weak...i just want to lay down...but no, I have to finish this day, then tomorrow, then the next day, if i make it that far...:/
Well, this was NOT a very cheery post at all, but its how I'm feeling...so whatever. i must be going tho, have a great Wednesday everyone! Second to last school day for me since i have a T appt. in Seattle Friday. So ya, buh bye!
Maddi
xxx
Monday, March 8, 2010
A start to a busy busy week.
Yesterday my day started bright and early. I would have seriously liked to have slept in a bit more since I am so behind on sleep buut, that didnt happen. So I woke up around 6:30 ish, and wandered upstairs...and had breakfast. No oatmeal tho!!
So, to explain, I didnt have oatmeal because in my bible class my teacher is having us do this little project. The assignment was to pick something we love and do/have regularly and give it up from Sunday till Friday, when we can have it again. Sooo, I chose to give up oatmeal. Crazy, I know!!!! Anyway, its like a lesson in self-control, which I obviously have...anyone with an ED does...But I have to do it for a grade, and I suppose I am going thru the oattie a bit fast, so it wont hurt the food budget. ;] But back to my Sunday...
For breakfast instead i had the muffins I made Saturday night. Oatmeal Cranberry muffins(so I suppose I DID eat oatmeal. lol, I hope that doesnt really count...I suppose it does tho, oops! lol) These muffins are soooo good!! It was my first time making them, I will make them again, probly this Saturday so that we can have them for breakfast Sunday. :] I also had some applesauce over frosted mini wheats. Yummers! :] The cute bracelet from Abbi. I usually dont like unsemetric/unperfect bracelets but this is so beautiful anyway!! Kind of like a statement that imperfect is beautiful, sometimes even more so then perfect! I love this bracelet, I am going to be wearing it all the time!
Yesterdays lunch. Vanilla Almond Cliff Builders bar. mmmm, I didnt really like the top layer, it just tasted like, well, protein, so I ate the top off first then had the bottome, and it was yummy and I could taste almonds. :)
My awesome possum hair. Not a great pic, it was a lot prettier in person if i may say so myself. I had them french braid it in two on the top. Love it, sad I have to take it out tonight, :(
Cliff Bar love!! Chocolate chip flavor, and I REALLY want to try the carrot cake flavor. I have heard its fab!
Well, off to the rest of my night. Some sort of chinese noodle thing for dinner. Love all of you bloggers to bits! <3>
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Falling or Flying??
Today was just another day...but FINALLY I got Mary's b-day package and Maya and Eliza's package sent. And this morning I took a shower, and then drove to the grocery store with my mom. Didnt get anything special tho, she was just getting some ingredients for dinner, which is Quick Pepperpot Soup. And only about 200 cal for a serving, so i am thrilled! hmmm, I took a loverly walk till about 5:15, and it was so nice and sunny, and there were so many people out enjoying the sun. :) Chiro came along too, I always take him with me. I sent my Agape Adoption ideas off. They are just quick sketched, i took zero time on them, the point was just for Miriam to get an idea, and lead me on from there. For breakie I had a bowl of Kashi cold cereal with frozen blueberries on top, I LOVE frozen blueberries on hot AND cold cereal. :)
For lunch I had the cheese thing I made the other day, because we still had veggies. My tummy is still paying for it tho. I need to take a few days off from all dairy, being lactose intolerant and all. I had cheese Thursday, then more cheese bc pizza yesterday, and icecream last night, and then more cheese today, so my tummy REALLY doesnt feel ok. :( :( i was hoping the walk would help but it didnt really. Maybe some of the healthy spinach/okra/carrot soup will help. Mmmm, my mom is taking FOREVER to make dinner tonight. :/ but ya, definitly I am going to stay away from dairy for a while.
Tomorrow should be a very fun day. I am going to leave church a little early so that I can go to Pasco with my friend Christina from gym to watch her and Katie's last meet. I am so excited, I really cant wait!! And food wont really be an issue because I can have my breakfast and lunch at home, I am packing a Cliff Builders bar-vanilla almond kind, that i cant wait to try- , and if dinner is fast food that is ok because i did my research to see what is the lowest calorie on all of the menus. Like actual things, so i dont look like a freak when I order a salad or whatever. Although I have heard that McD's salads arent bad...:) I super duper cant wait tho! I am going to wear my little aerie shorts under my big baggy gymnastics sweatpants so if i am hot i can take the pants off, and i am going to wear my team warm ups jacket. :) Yay, this will be so fun, I love these two girlies. :)
hmmm, there was something else I wanted to write about...hmmm, now I cant think of it...anyway, heres some of the doodles, then I need to go eat dinner. If I think of what it was maybe I will just make a "mini" post.
Good night!
Maddi
xxx
Friday, March 5, 2010
Finally Friday!!!
Yay, it is FINALLY Friday! Bleh, it seemed to take so stinking long, but I am thankful it is here!! I just have some highlights to point out, and a couple foodie pics. Today's been a happy day tho, and I dont really want to go on and on about ed stuff as I usually do. So just the basics and the good stuff!
Today started out as usual, just boring and blah and whatever, but biology was fine because i finished the work sheet, which involved the computer, so when i finished i just read blogs and whatever. :) Haha, then I texted Mary a little, then Karli, who is on her way to Hawaii, actually she has probly arrived. We had a bible test, which i think i did ok, and during math we went outside and while the class played kickball Madison and I walked around the game bc neither of us like kick-ball! It was funny, we were coming up with names that would fit people! :) After that was lunch, I ate that Larabar, yummers, and Abbi and I had a great talk. Every day our talks just get better and better! She changed thereapists, thank goodness, and she really like the person she has now! yay, this will be so good for her!
The last two classes of the day Mr. T let us go outside, and I played some four square and laid on the grass.
After school Kimberly came home with us. We went to Starbucks and both bought a skinny cinnamon dolce latte and split a morning bun, so goood! But that wasnt the best part! The best part was our convo! I decided i am going to sit with her class during lunch, since i always feel like such a stranger sitting with my class anyway, and also kimberly and I are going to work on getting Lydia to stop always making such rude comments about peoples actions and appearances, because it is really bringing kim down. Also I am going to head up a little bible/book study with Kimberly and Abbi, which will hopefully succeed in bringing us closer to God AND bring the two of them back together because they used to be good friends before Abbi's ordeal, which i am not saying is over, but its a lot better. We would meet like once a month at a cafe or something and just hang out and talk about God and our lifes. I am so excited, now I have something to live for! Now the days wont just be the same, over and over again, because the same boring routine just leads me down the wrong path. As I have already discovered...So this should be great, i am going to try to find a good book tonight, maybe call Mrs. Harken to see if she has some suggestions.
As far as food goes i am still trying to lose weight. :/ I dont even really know why, its like i just hate eating! Its all so disordered, i used to always want to be eating before all of this, and now yes i enjoy it when i have something tasty, but all in all i dont even want it....So ya, I suppose I am struggling in that area, but maybe these changes I am making in my day to day life will affect me and this in a good way??? I sure hope!
Tonight, when Kimberly gets back from dance, we will make pizza...which i dont want buuut, i really want her to believe i am healing, because me and Abbi BOTH being anorexic is tough on her, so I want to be strong for her. After dinner we are probs going to do some art. She needs to make a birthday card for her mum, and i need to make the designs for Agape Adoptions, because they really are needing them now! Then we will watch a movie most likely, and just have fun! The first half of our time was all serious talk about school, relationships, and God, and the second half we are just gonna have fun!
Heres a couple eats, :)
My cheesey pleasey meal. I still cant believe I ate that! It seems so unreal! :) The cold leftover veggies on top really made it amaze...i suppose i was a little sparse on the cheese, but not too bad!!
LARABAR! :) Cashew cookie kind. I like apple pie better, but this was still fantastic! I am saving all the wrappers until i have one of every flavor. Two down, who knows how many to go! I will get a different flavor every time tho until i have tried them all. Its fun to draw them out..makes it more special!
WEll, off to stick the pizza in the oven!
Maddi
xxx
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The endless day...
On to today. My body image was a little better, not much, but since my weight dropped it wasnt so bad. By tomorrow morning I will be where i want to be. Well, not really...I would still want to be X pounds lighter...but I know right now thats not an option. Or at least I dont want it to be...I hit almost 900 cals today, i was at 300, but then i decided i really should eat at least some so that I will be more fun when Kimberly comes over tomorrow. I cant wait, i havent spent time with her in a while.
Today was ENDLESS!!!! I am not even kidding! I finally feel like it is over, because now I can go to bed whenever I want, but omg, I hated it! School was miserable, I was so tired from the lack of sleep the past two night, and the fact I had only had a 50 cal breakfast, and I just felt drained, emotionally and physically. And it didnt help that my math teacher made a super RUDE and HUMILIATING comment when I asked him a question. i almost burst into tears. :( So ya, that was just dandy. :/ I read Dear John all during bible class. we have a test tomorrow so I should have been listening and taking notes but guess what??Notes dont help at all, even tho he has all the tests be open note!! grrrr, he is such an awful teacher....so glad we are getting a new bible teacher so I can actually learn about the Bible, which i want to do! Wait, im not going there next year...nvm. Walking the field with Abbi was good. i felt tired, duh, but it was still so good. Apparently her big bro got expelled from NSA for getting a little drunk at a friends house. So pathetic that they expelled him for that! geez... Not like i agree with drinking AT ALL, but give the kid some room! For crying out loud he is in college and its his life! :/ I told her about the nightmare I had a few nights ago...this dream was awful...i hate thinking about it...i was so weak, i kept collapsing, and people would ask if i was ok and i would just shrug it off and pretend it was nothing, and that i just was wanting to sit or whatever. The worst part was I couldnt pick up Naomi...and i remember seeing a pained look on my dads face one of the times i collapsed near the stairs. Is this a foreshadowing of what could be coming?? God, i pray not! :( It was a awful dream...I woke up pretty shaken...
The rest of the day was uneventful till after school. Karli and I went to Starbucks. I just got water and drank like none. But we talked for a good hour and a half, and it was just so good, and i told her a lot, and how i dont really know where i am with recovery right now...and we talked about how i am on the escalator...i dont feel like i am losing ground...but since i am definitely not moving forward i must be...i just cant tell yet. Hopefully i tell before it is too late. :/ Anyway, i asked her for help in helping me to eat. I dont have meals with anyone, except maybe lunch with the girls in my class, and so i dont have anyone to be sure i am eating...and i am usually not..and i lie to my mom all the time about how i am doing because i dont want to worry her. So i asked karli for help, and she is just going to contact me every so often and just ask how food things are going...i think it will be good, i want to be completely honest with her, and no little white lies. I hate lieing...i hate that my ED has turned me into a person who lies about food, and weight. i HATE that. Anyway, i feel like maybe i am struggling a bit with life, but i dont know why?? Like everything should be fine, but for some reason it isnt...I have a phone T app. tomorrow morning tho, so i will express some of these thoughts to her.
I passed my test at drivers ed...I finished Dear John while I ate dinner tonight, which, by the way, i had cheese!!!! First time in FOREVER!!! I just made myself a damn, ;), quesadilla(sp?), and put some stir fried onions and peppers in it, and ate it!! I was having second thoughts as i made it, but then it was made so i didnt have much a choice. I felt happy after i did that...I know it might be a very long time before I ever have cheese again...but for some reason i did tonight...and the experience was strange. Maybe i will do it again sometime? :) Idk...but i lived! Sooooo, I should probs head to bed..tho i dont feeel tired i am sure i am... heres a few pics then i am off!
Dear John!! read one chapter yesterday and read the rest today!! lol, it was a heartbreaker for sure, but good to the end! <3K, this is totally random, but last year Mary and I were totally freaking out about germs after Mr. T told us a nasty story, so we went to the storage room and got our own bottles of hand-sanitizer to carry around with us through out the day. I put a lable on mine, but it disappeared last year and i didnt expect to ever see it again but i was in the locker room this morning and i saw it on a shelf in there! Like it just showed up! Such a funny memory..haha, i just had to snap a pic! lol....The bars I bought at Top Foods. Yum! I ate the Mojo bar today, and i liked it a lot! I am a fan of all these new bars i have been trying! :)
The "MOJO" bar. Fruit and nut kind. I really liked it, the fruits and nuts were so flavorful. Mmmm, nom nom!
Thats it for tonight, I probs wont post tomorrow unless i can while the girls are at dance because Kimberly will be here till late. So goodnight!
Maddi
xxx
The hersheys bar is NOT one that i bought!!! I would never buy cheapy chocolate like that, its not even dark, so i dont know if i will eat it, but i found it at school yesterday. Lucky me I guess...maybe i will give it to someone, idk. i have never had hersheys with almonds and i wonder if it is any good!