Versatile blogger award! :)

So thankyou Scott for the versatile blogger award! :)

rules:
1. Thank the person who gave it to you
2. Write 7 facts about yourself
3. Award it to 15 other people!

Haha, I thanked Scott already so here are 7 facts!

1. Our family doesn't have TV...:( we wath movies on the laptop...
2. I've been to Nepal, Thailand, Japan, Mexico, China(twice), and Canada...:D
3. I had braces for exactly 3 years and 3 days
4. I did competitive gymnastics for at least 5 years
5. I have had 3 hamsters, 4 bunnies, 2 parakeets, 2 beta fish, 1 rat, 1 guinea pig, and 4 chickens, which have all died. But the two cats and the sheltie dog are still alive and well! :)
6. I lived in a tiny hick town, Hazard, Kentucky, when I was about 3 and almost died there when I got really sick too! D:
7. I had my gallbladder removed when I was just 6 months old!

Ok, so I will pass this on to 15 people, although most of them don't read my blog so they won't even know! ;)
Andrea
Maya
Scott(I know, you gave it to me already but I can't think of anyone else! ;))
Eleanor
Melissa
Kelsey
Eliza
Alexis
Alexandra
Lucie
Carrie
Sarah
Tori
Brooke
Becca

love you all! :)

Maddi
xxx

Wow, its been forever since I last posted...ok, well not thaaaat long, but still....

This past week has consisted of heaven and hell. Heaven: DIVING!!! Heck yes!!! \m/(x.x)\m/ :):):) I LOVE it!!! And this year I am already doing better than last! This was just the first week and I am already throwing inward one and a halfs and back one with one and a half twists and front doubles!!! :D So ya, I feel like a rockstar when I dive! :) Hell: Being sick EVERY day....I mean sick as in not making forward steps with my ED...at all...We even have a system set up as of yesterday to help me out...its helped maybe a little as in I dont purge after every meal and my parents make me eat 1200 calories-I guess the minimum for brain functionality. I am mentally and physically being wiped out by this....Also hell: not having contact with Karli...who IS home from the hospital, thank goodness....but I dont want to intrude and call, she is going through something big, my mom says her family is probably being bombarded by other people wondering what is going on, how Karli is, etc...so I dont want to be a bother...its so hard to be patient tho...I think of her every day, I might call Tuesday...Tuesday because tomorrow I am going to a friends house! More hell: Weight gain....yes...:P So lets say it hasnt been a fun week...But tomorrow is a NEW DAY, a day to IMPROVE and HEAL!!!

Tomorrow I will do something productive in my spare time, tomorrow I will have fun at dive and at my friends house, tomorrow I will NOT purge ANYTHING!!! :) I NEEEEEEEDDDDD to be POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to be, willing myself to be, I have a FUTURE to look forward to, a future of SAVING people less fortunate than me, a future as a doctor, and before that a future as a DIVER!!! :) A future of friendships and laughter and pain, but also LOVE.....I HAVE A FUTURE.

Have a positive week loves...:)

Maddi
xxx

Hello!

This week has been the slowest, possible most desired to be forgotten week ever...except for in one way, and thats the way in which I have been loved, I dont want to forget that. Between the support from you guys, and the couple people who have been willing to take me in this weekend, I know I am not alone.

On Monday my parents threatened to send me to the hospital...they didnt, but the night was horrible and I didnt sleep. The next day I went to the Poages home all day just to get away. I didnt want to leave there, I just felt so unstable, unrestful, I wanted to stay until I felt better with life...But instead I went to a slumber party, where I ended up getting a big scratch on my nose thanks to the side of the pool! Haha, we were playing around and I got too close! So now I have several scratches on my face and it looks like I got in a fight! ;) The next day I came home, finished my art project, and worked on finding a place to stay for the weekend while my parents took my brother to college in Cali.

The last day of class went well, altho I really didnt spend much time on my final project, it turned out good and I am sure I got an A in the class! :D

So last night I spent the night at the Poages. My best friend Karli who was in Honduras comes home from Honduras tomorrow because she is really really sick. Please please pray for her, it is scary, and I know it hurts her to have to leave the little boy she was taking care of...I found out she was coming home while I was at her house today, her doctor called her parents and said that was the best thing for her to come home...So it was a hard morning...I couldnt bring myself to eat anything, but I had some smoothie at least...Then I had day shift at work today, which was surprisingly easy, and now I am at another friends house. So this is sorta weird because this friend used to be my best friend, I probably havent spent the night here in 3 years!! But they were willing to take me in, and I love her mom, so its alright. :)

Anyway, I kind of feel like I am in a daze right now...probably between inadequate nutrition and because of all the events happening like my parents being gone and me being at other peoples houses, and the stuff with Karli, and ya, its just really difficult. But I WILL get through this. I am just afraid I need more help than I have here. I dont WANT to go IP, but after the last couple days of even worse eating than before, I feel like I cant reverse this on my own. I dont know what will happen...with Karli or me. I am just so scared.

Maddi
xxx

I have a choice to make.

I can fake recovery-gain the weight, eat healthy, and just suffer through not being "in control", or I can stay sick, giving up diving and college as I slowly kill myself. I don't feel ready to move on, I don't feel ready to stop what I am doing, but I must face that it's the only option. It's do or die. I can give up everything important in my life and slowly fade away, or I can eat. Even if the reasons I choose not to eat aren't resolved, I can do it. Someone told me the other day that if I have enough will power to NOT eat, then I would have the will power TO eat.

I have options. I can go IP. I can live at home and be miserable and not allowed to dive or go to college. Or I can give up the idea of disapearing and live my life. I don't know why I am having such a hard time decideing, the answer should be obvious! But the pull of just...disapearing...is so strong. I could, I know I could. LIVING is harder it seems, but is it worth it too? Can I believe it's worth it? Do I want to believe it's worth it??? I think somewhere inside of me I do, I think I know that I CAN get through this.

In the end it is all up to me. People can try to keep me alive, but in the end it is still up to me. I think I will try to live. I don't know why, I don't exactly know what I am going to live for, but for now I think I will choose life.

Maddi
xxx

Not fun...

Okkkk, so I really don't want to go on another long rant like the last 2 posts, but I just mght! ;) fair warning...:)

Today has NOT been a fun day....and it's supposed to be! It's my big brothers graduation/birthday/goodbye party! He leavs on Thursday for San Diego, where he is going to college at Point Loma. I'm not sure how I feel about him leaving, I guess I haven't given it much thought, but now with the date of his departure so close it is sort of starting to hit that he is going to be GONE and I never really got the chance to know him!!! I feel bad, like he is my brother, we are supposed to be at least somewhat connected, but things have changed, we did used to be close, I think the year he was in 9th grade we really started to grow apart and go in our own directions, his leading him to the public school and away from family, mine digging me into a little sheltered hole. We just had/have opposite desires in life, it doesn't seem like there is any common ground except the fact he is my brother! And to think my sister might be gone in 2 weeks!! And she is younger than me!!! She would still live fairly close but still...anyway, today I don't know if I should laugh or cry, in a couple weeks my life will look completely different having 2 out of 5 people gone...I am happy for my sister, C, but at the same time I don't want her to leave, these highschool years are the years I want to be her big sister to look after her and to grow closer with her, but soon she will be living in another city, and after that maybe even a different state!! She has been asked to join a pre-professional ballet class by the way... It scares me too, I might be living in Seattle in a couple months too... I don't want all of this change, it's too fast...like there is nothing I can hold on to, nothing that can't leave without my permission EXCEPT AN. Which is perhaps the reason I think recovery is bull...ok, sorry for another rant! ;) Obviously I have a lot to write about!

Of course eating still is not good, I haven't kept in a single thing put in my mouth for at least 5 days now...and I have an appoitment with John tomorrow and I don't know if I will work up the courage to tell him or not...I know I should, I know it would be the best thing to do, but I am scared of what he will say or do, I don't want to loose anything like college or dive just because of this, so I don't want him to know...I should tell him tho...anyway...

This week is very busy, I have work tonight then tomorrow morning is my appt with John. And it's the last week of art class and my final is due on Thursday!!!! AAaaaaah, I see some late nights ahead of me!!! Tuesday night is a birthday slumber party for a friend on my swimteam who is turning 14!! Ya, a bit of an age difference, but she is really sweet and mature! And Friday I work my first day shift at the hospital, which I am NOT looking forward to!!! So... I guess wish me luck to get through this week because I already am tired of it ;)

I hope everyones week is AMAZINGLY beautiful!!!

Maddi
xxx

Hullo! :)

So sorry about my last post in which I preceeded to rant about the difficulties of having an eatig disorder...;) well so I didn't end up telling anyone what's up, well I sort of told my T at my appt. yesterday, but not all the way...and I didn't tell her how I was thinking about it. Now I feel bad tho and I know I should tell her...Anyway, aside from that, yesterdays appt. went well, altho I still don't see myself as neccisarily getting anything out of it?!?!

Ok, so on to a recap of Thursday and Friday!! :D My mom and I drove over to Seattle and went to my sisters dance studio and they had a meeting with her instructor, then my mom had another appointment so she dropped me off at a park on Lake Washington and I went swimming!!!! It was soooo nice, the water was amazing, perfect temperature and everything! I swam out to the no wake bouey and back, and dove(shallow diving, just in case) off the dock a couple of times before a lifegaurd told me there was no swimming allowed! Haha, oops! I didn't want to get out just then but at least I had gotten a little bit of time in the water. Then I laid on the dock listening to music and dozig off and watching a really cute couple sit together and fish. It made me want a boyfriend...;) After that awesome time to myself we went back to C's studio and watched a class then drove to a friends house and spent the night. My appt. was early Friday morning, but I felt refreshed and ready to get up! After that we went to Kirkland and I had several hours to myself while my mom watched my sister again. I went to starbucks and sipped coffee, then went to the waterfront and drew some, then wandered through some art galleries which was especially neat now that I am taking that class. I ended up buying a tiny bit of icecream too, which I did NOT purge, and I was really good too, and nice and small. :) after that I did some more drawings with sharpie which turned out pretty cool! I can't wait to post some of my work! I will probably just wait till the class is over tho! :) thennnn I went shopping at some consignment shops! I got 4 new tops, one is from J Crew!! Haha, score! :D I found a cute pair of black jeans at costco today too that will go good with those tops! After that I went to the park and drew some people, but they kept moving. Haha, well the challenge made it fun! After that I met up with my mom again and we got my sis and drove home.

This morning I hopped in the pool but it is colder than the lake was, so I didn't stay in long! :) and now I need to complete another art assignment because try are starting to pile up...D:

ED wize the weight still is coming off... Slower than I would like it too, it's weird, I feel like I don't even want to be recovered right now, I can't exactly place my finger on why. I really don't know, it's not like I've even had an ED for all that long, is it just a stage you go through? Like quite frankly recovery sounds like a lot of poop to me, am I terrible for saying that??? Questions questions questions, I have a lot floating around in my head right now, the main one being, "why the heck am I not wanting to be recovered??!?!?!?" I hope that all makes some sense that I feel that way, I hope that I am not just a hopeless case for thinking like that, but am I??? Agh, it's driving me crazy knowing what I am doing but not stopping!!! It's as tho I am going to go until I am FORCED to stop, like IP, but that wouldn't keep my mind from keeping going in the wrong direction!! :P it's all so MESSED UP!!!

Ok, so I gotta go do that drawing, it's supposed to be abstract, so I have to pick something and draw t in a way that makes it so you can hardly tell what the thing is! And I might just throw some color in there for fun!

Your thoughts on this would be more than welcome!! :)

Maddi
xxx

Heeeelpppp!

Ok, so I have a problem, and its sorta kinda been fixed but not really, and I just really need to get out my frustration about the whole thing!

So about a monthish, month and a half ago, I started binging and purging, which is sooooo bad, I know. I was doing that and I thought my parents didnt know but they did know, the entire time, and didnt stop me. Well finally it came out, and I asked John, the new guy, to help me get rid of this habit before it became anything worse. We concluded that the best idea now would be to have my parents stop me when they saw me eating more than I should, and so I asked my parents to stop me when they saw me. Well this worked for a couple of weeks, I got away with it maybe twice, so I was considering it to be a pretty successful idea. Not for long....I b/ped again, with my parents at home, three days in a row, today being that third. Now here is the thing-they cant stop me because they dont want me to NOT eat, so when they see me eating that is ok, its just when I eat too much. Problem is, I have been purging on amounts that arent that much. Like John was explaining to me that people with bulimia will eat ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Well that isnt me at all! I usually dont exceed a days worth of calories. So now i have learned that I can b/p and still loose weight, so I have done that the past three days. Also I can appear normal to my family and eat meals with/in front of, them. But then I just go and throw it all up. Yesterday I threw up every meal I ate. What is wrong with me??? I wanted to stop, so I came up with a way to, but then I just got around that "block" and I am back at it!!! My family is clueless, I feel like I could die from the inside out without them realizing whats happening until its too late. Really tho, what is wrong with me that I cant stop, I know I am killing myself. You might say, well no duh, anorexia usually follows that path, but this is different. When I am starving I know what is happening, and I know my body is strong, but purging is a whole different matter, it scares the hell out of me. And the desire to loose weight is there too, its like now I am loosing weight by eating but throwing up everything I eat, rather than just not eating. And what really really frustrates me is how easy it is for me to purge!!! Like most people (at least from what I have researched and heard) gain weight after a b/p session. Well, I am not one of those people, and that also scares me shitless. I actually LOOSE weight after a b/p episode, its just way too easy for me, I can get sooo empty after being soooo full, how do I even do that?? I hate this, I hate this pit I have fallen into, I dont have the ability to get myself out of it! What if I DO kill myself??? I am so scared, after I purged tonight I realized this was all soo so bad, and I have been realizing that all along, but I need help. What can I do tho? Would inpatient help or would that just make it worse if they force me to stop, then I miss it?? I think about asking to be admitted, just because I dont want to die, I really really dont. What happens to a person if they throw up everything they eat??? Ah, it scares me so bad, it really does, but I dont want to ask for inpatient because think of what I would have to give up! Diving, and school, and my job, but then if I was dead I would loose those things anyway...I know I have a strong body, I know from all the activities I have done through my life, like years of gymnastics, but how much more can it take?? God gave me ONE body, and it is dying faster than it should, what do I do??? I can keep trying, but i feel like I try for a day, then the next day think "i feel like binging and purging, so I will even tho I know I shouldnt!" Seriously, it is like that and it is awful, thats why I really dont know what to do! I just want the old eating disorder back, the restriction only one, now I have this stupid purging thing, loosing weight by just purging, its hurting me so bad, I dont feel the pain, but I am not stupid!! I have done the research and all, and I know how bad it is for you, lots of people have died from just regular bulimia, and the chances of death are even higher for anorexia with purging, its like bulimia but without leaving ANYTHING for the body. Its a death sentence...I am sorry if this is really triggering, I dont really know what is to people, I know pictures obviously would be, but I dont know about words, so I am sorry if this is. I just feel like I am falling further in to hell. But why?? I have soooo much to look forward to! Like diving, it starts on the 23rd, and my goal is to make state this year, but how can I if I am as weak as I was last year, when I had no leg muscle? And what about school too?? I know starving doesnt effect my grades, honestly my grades were better when I was because I was so goal driven, but I am not talking grades, I am just talking relations. Who would want to be friends with me if I am sick, isolated, stuck in a world of my own? I feel trapped in my own world, I want out, I want to explore and see the world with FREE eyes, not a mind that cant not think of food for more than an hour! And my job, it is so perfect for me as it is in a hospital and I want to go into health care, but soon I am going to be IN the hospital as a PATIENT, because I am so unhealthy! Ugh, please, someone unlock this cage I am in! :(

Sorry this is so depressing, I am actually a happy person, just not about this one topic, and I needed to express this, and I need some advice if anyone has any, or just your encouragement, i always feel so encouraged after reading the comments you all leave! :)

I must go to bed, but happy posts will come, I promise!

Maddi
xxx

Helloooooo! :)

So the camping trip was a ton of fun!!! ED was bad but I still had loads of fun. We only stayed 2 nights, so we got back Sunday night. We arrived at the camp site at about 7 on Friday evening and set up camp. Kimberly, Naomi, and I shared a tent, and my little bro and dad stayed in the tent trailer with my aunt and uncle and their 4 year old. My younger cousin Andrew stayed in his own mini tent :) we roasted marshmallows, of course ED wouldn't let me had the fixings, because just plain marshmallows are fat free. But whatever, they were still so good, I burn the outside and eat it off, so I eat it layer by layer, which is actually quite fun! ;) on Saturday Kim and I hiked to th swimming hole really early so there was no one else there and I swam across the whole thing, which is actually a really long way! Then after lunch we went down again with the fam and I swam it twice! Then later, after taking a nap and eating a early dinner, Kim and I went for a hike along the lake, then came upon a boat dock where we jumped in in our underwear!!!! Sorry if that is tmi!! We also used the lifejackets there, and I pulled Kimberly over to another dock that wasn't attached because she was too afraid to put her legs down!! Haha, it was soooo fun! Then Sunday was just pack up and drive home! :)

today I had a appt. with th new guy John. That was good, I have to talk to my mom tho which makes me nervous, yes, my mother makes me nervous. Tomorrow I will probably do that because today is pretty packed. I am skipping class so that I can spend some time with Mary, we worked things out somewhat, then I am goin to a party with her for a little while, then we are hangin out more hopefully, then I come home for garrisons birthday dinner. I want to see if shez can spend the night but I highly doubt it, she is the queen of excuses!

Anyway, Thats it for ya today, just thought I would share! :)

maddi
xxx

I pack up and leave for camping at Priest Lake this morning!!!! :D my mom decided not to come, my brother doesn't want to, and my sister is still at her dance camp, so it will just be me, my dad, the little kids, and Kim!!!! I really can't wait, this is going to be so fun if I let it be, which I promise I will! I'll catch up reading your blogs when I return on Monday afternoon!

Happy weekend!

Maddi
xxx

It will be a better day!!!

Thankyou!!!! For the comments that helped me to see i'm not at all alone in this, everyone has their bad days! And for me, today is not a bad day! It was a bad morning, yes, but i still have the rest of the day to make better.

Last night I went to K's house to visit with her mom. We talked about random things and babysat a 5 month old baby. It was fun to see the baby, I hadn't seen a baby that age in quite some time! Also she made me a fruit smoothie which I was hesitant to drink but I still did. And I slept for the first time in two weeks for more than 4 hours!!!! It was such a relief as she was telling me there were a couple people she knew who landed in the hospital after panic attacks due to no sleep!!! So I feel physically better today, and also mentally better because I had a chance to just talk to someone. See, the only people I ever really get to talk to are my therapists, and we always talk abot the same things for the same amount of time, so it was good to just have normal conversation for once!!! And I showed her my sketchbook and she was so enthusiastic about it, which was so encouraging because even my parents aren't! So even tho there was a screaming baby half the time, I just loved being there! :)

Even tho my used to be friend Mary cancelled on me, I still have a fun weekend ahead of me. We were supposed to leave today, now we leave tomorrow, but we(my dad, the little sibs, kimberly, and I)are going to go campig at Priest Lake!!! I am soooo excited!!! And I am also not worried about gaining weight because I tend to loose weight on trips!! Especially highly active trios like camping. I am actualy really happy that I get to go, for Kimberly especially because if I was going to go to Spokane she would UAE had a friend, and I think she would have been ok, but this way I can be there for her. I think we are goig to make great memories playing here, another friend of mine told me the water temperature is really nice, so we will swim. Also I have a drawing assignment to do a figure drawing, and Kimberly is the perfect model for that! :D

I need to go get ready for class now, have wonderful weekends friends! You really are my friends, that I can leave and come back, and make mistakes, and just be pure human, and you guys still care about me and understand. I can't ever be thankful enough for that, in all seriousness.

Maddi
xxx

The night from he'll, just about :/

Welllll, I know it isn't exactly great to dwell on the bad but I MUST get this out! Last night was AWFUL and that awfulness has just carried on into this morning which I am hoping a jump in the pool will help with because the pool always cheers me up!

So starting with last night...Work. Oh my gosh, I was honestly the employee to be picked on last night with just about EVERYTHING I did!!! It all started when I was drawing something and the head cook who is a nasty grouch came in and yelled at me to work in the dishroom, then I was sent to deliver a cart of trays, and I had to take the second cart for reasons having to do with my badge(i lost mine and had to get a new one, so it hadn't been activated to let me into restricted areas like the ER and OB.) so I switched carts and when I got back I got in trouble for that, then I got in trouble for apareantly not going fast enough although I amfaster than a few of the girls at least, then I got in trouble for saying something I didn't even say, and even if I DID hint at saying whatever they thought I did, I shouldn't have gotten in trouble because it's not like I knew!!! Then I also got reprimanded for washing the tables before wrapping my stuff, and also the cook yelled at me for not wrapping some stuff early in the night that wasn't even supposed to be wrapped till after closing!!!! I wanted to cry soooo badly, it took all of my will power to not!!! Thankfully my friend J was really nice and empathetic and told me not to worry about those b******. ;) Also my friend C asked me what was wrong and assured me that the girls correcting me weren't trying to be mean. Anyway, it was hell and I sure hope I don't have another night like that!!!

After work my friend C came home with me and we rented a movie called To Save A Life. It was really good, but we didn't finish it, I will this afternoon tho. So when C left I found out my best friend Mary is a backstabbing bad word ;) I was going to see her in Spokane this weekend for the first time in forever because they are visiting from Spokane but she cancelled on me just last night and I was supposed to go there tomorrow!!! Anyway, that hurt soooo bad, it makes me want to cry writing this, I laid in my bed and sobed last night, then I went and b/ped then drew for a while to settle my head and finally fell asleep around 2 am, but at least I slept thru the night till 7. It was a super rough night tho, I am so glad it is over. And now she is texting me, acting like nothing is up, and I am just not going to respond. She. Oils at least say sorry for screwing with me and breaking me heart.

I am too upset now, I am going to go hop in the nice refreshing pool and swim some laps before I get ready for art class, which, by the way, is going AMAZING!!!! Favorite few hours of my day!!! We are doing figure drawing right now, I even modeled for the class yesterday because we rotated around and my teacher gave me th nicest complement and said I had really great features for modeling!!! It was awesome, although a bit weird to have a room full of men looking at me!!!! ;)

anyway, off to the rest of my day!!!

Maddi
xxx

Weeeell, it is Tuesday. Not sure what I think about that...it should still be Monday tho, Monday seems to have sped by! Oh well...

The BBQ yesterday was fun, I was a little disapointed because I only got to see 2 out of 4 of the friends I wanted to see but that is alright. And although we won't be on the same highschool swim/dive teams next year because I live on the other side of the river, we will still see eachother at swim meets! Speaking of swimming I got in my pool for an hour this morning and it felt great to get in, although I am really tired at the moment! :)

I left the BBQ early to go to a friends going away party. It was her and a group of girls from my old class. Although it wasn't my sort of night, I still had fun. It was weird, I felt like a normal teenage girl...thing is, i didn't exactly love what we did, I suppose I just have a different idea of fun! I DID have fun tho, there was lots of laughter. What we did is we all illegally piled 8 people into a slugbug and drove around town doing random things like drive thru Wendy's and buy manderin oranges, and we went to this fountain downtown and waded around, and we wentto a track and ran around it and then we drove down this one long street in the dark and yelled at people walking a long while blasting music. It was scary considering it was illegal. Like I said, I did have fun, but I wouldnt risk it again! after that we drove to another girls house and watched The Bounty Hunter, but it's a boring movie so I left.

Eating stuff is still a struggle. I ate enough to maintain yesterday and it is killing me knowing that, I feel like I need to restrict today and tomorrow to make up for it. :/ there is a certain number in my head that I just can't escape, I want it soooo bad, but for whatever reason I can't quite get to that weight. And I am only two pounds shy!!! I know I shouldn't get to that weight but right now it feels like I MUST. Am I trying to cope with stress or pain?? Both maybe?? Mr. L's accident definitely had an effect on me, ever since that Sunday two weeks ago I haven't been able to get more than six hours of sleep, which, combined with the amount of food I am eating, is not good for me. But for some reason my mind can't rest, I usually fall asleep around 1 am and wake up again at 3:30 am. Those are the worste nights. If I am lucky I will sleep from 1 to 6:30. I also think missing my friend K who is Honduras is another really difficult thing right now. We have been emailing alot, but on the days she isn't able to respond I just feel so lonely. I also feel like I don't deserve to eat, I have just been seeing all of th suffering in this world, and why should I get to enjoy food?? I feel nothing but emptiness after eating, like it just isn't right...my new therapist suggested that maybe it's OCD, but I would have to disagree. I agree with mynold therapist who believes it is a coping method. I must be true because that space visiting my friend Mary and before Karli left I was doing so well. I still wasn't at all comfortable with my body but at least I was willing to fight the voice of ED. But once my life stared falling apart again, once the really steady relationship I had broke away, I turned to what I know helps numb me from a pain that I just can't handle. Same goes for cutting, only that is when I just can't accept how much of a failure I am/was. I don't eat to numb, I cut to numb when I do eat. It's all so complex, so deep, what makes me unable to Handel some things without bringing harm to myself. And writing this I should realize why I am doing what I am doing and just stop, but it just doesn't work that way. Instead I write this, and I know that when I am done writing it I need to go take a walk to burn off the extra calories that kept me from loosing weight yesterday...

Well I have to go, my mom is stressing me out majorly so I AM actually going to take a walk to get out of the house after I finish abload of chores. :/ today is already a crapy day, it started when I woke up this morning knowing I hadn't lost weight. What is really going on inside tho? I wish I knew...then I could figure this out and not have the symptom. Anorexia is a symptom, a display on the outside of something on the inside...

Anyway, I love you all, your endless support is worth so much to me!

Maddi
xxx

Hellooooooo! :)

Well I don't have a lot to say right about now but I am bored and tired so I decided I would post! ;)

Having my license is amazing, and it's only day three!!! I loooove not having to always wait for my ride or ride the bus! :) and it makes me feel older which is something ED does NOT like but so what, I like driving too much to give it up!! My cars name is bumble and it is teal and it's awesome and I will post a picture of it and also some artwork once I get on a computer!

Art was so neat today!! We worked on figure drawing which I love to do, minus nakee people. I did two pictures, they are both sorta rough, but I like the way they turned out!!

Tonight I go to a swim team BBQ then I might go to the drive in with some friends, that would be my first time in a long time seein these friends so I hope it works out!! And I might swing by a going away party fir another friend and stay for a few to say goodbye!

Tootles for now, I hope your week has started out great!!.

Thanks for your comments. Sorry, I can sometimes be REALLY paranoid about what people think of me!!

Yesterday and Friday have been very busy days...I'll start with Friday! :)

Friday afternoon my mom and I drove to Seattle for an appointment, which went well, then to visit my friends dad at Harbor View Medical Center because he broke his neck. The first 2 times I saw him were hard but this time was so much better. I think the first time was hard because he was in the intensive care unit, and the second time he was in a wheelchair and I guess it was hard because he seemed so weak. But this third time was sooo much better. It's still not easy of course but since it was just my mom and I I was able to talk to him. At one point he had PT so Mrs. L and us walked down this big hill to downtown Seattle and bought some shoes for him and then had lunch before I tackled the huge hill to feed the car parking meter. I didn't have anything else to do so I went up to the room and mr. L was there so I doodled and chatted with him, then helped a nurse put him in bed because he was tired of sitting up. That was kind if awkward but it was neat to help. They use this cradle type thing, it's hard to explain. Anyway, we stayed there till dinner then left to get my little sister from the family she was staying with and grabbed some food from safeway and drove home. We didn't get home till late because I missed the exit... Haha, oops!!

Yesterday I got my license!!! It's awesome, but I had a bad first solo drive experience! I ran out of gas in the middle of the street!! My car doesn't have much warning time for that. Anyway, I was stuck in the middle of the street but thankfully right next to a parking lot entrance so some guy pushed me in to it!!

Gosh, I amso busy I have to go do a drawing that is due tomorrow but it's good to be back blogging, thanks for your comments!!

Maddi
xxx